Yea. I understand. The thing I've read though, and maybe I misinterpreted, that if I am meeting my spouses needs unconditionally he will be wanting to meet mine as well. This is of course not the case with a wayward spouse but I mean if I wasn't dealing with a WS. And maybe I should have found this place 6 months ago... I may have stopped the A from happening all together.

I am making plans to do a workout plan with my sister. We are going to lean on each other for support. I'm in pretty good shape. I've actually lost about 10 lbs in the last 2 months but that's because I've cut down on beer and I've been eating cereal for dinner. I am going to stop that now. I am going to start making dinner as I would if he were coming home to eat. Then I will say we are having blank for dinner it should be ready at x time. Than if he says I have other plans I can just save his portion and have it for lunch the next day. Plan B will be different of course but this is what I am going to do now.

When he sees that I am making fantastic dinners for myself and working out every morning and that I am taking care of myself. I want to look good for him and cook dinner for him.

The affair didn't happen just because you and your WH weren't meeting eachothers ENs. It happened because your WH has WEAK boundaries when it comes to members of the opposite sex.

If your WH doesn't come home for dinner because he is with his skank, the food does not get eaten by HIM.

You need to do a superb Plan A where you do both the carrot AND stick. Meet ENs, avoid LBs and put pressure on the affair.

What I think you misunderstood about meeting ENs is that when you are getting your ENs met, you tend to want to meet the other persons ENs as well. That happens in a healthy relationship. You are dealing with a wayward. You need to get a solid Plan A in for a few weeks and then go into Plan B.

Unconditional should not be in the marriage vocabulary.

Unconditional is a recipe for abuse. You meet his needs with love and care because you vowed to.

This typically encourages your spouse to reciprocate.

When it doesn't it becomes painful, and our Taker emerges to protect us.

Continuing to meet needs unconditionally leads to neglect and abuse and the death of the marriage.

There is nothing wrong with thoughtfully requesting your needs be met. You are not obligated to stay in a neglectful, abusive marriage.

You want to meet your husband's needs, and you want your needs to be met in an ideal marriage situation. There is a perfect balance of Giver and Taker.

That is why Plan A is short - because for a short while it is unconditional. But you can't sustain that. After a while you request that your needs are met, i.e. ending the affair and recommitting to marriage and recovery.

You can't do unconditional forever.

Yea I will eventually need my needs met also.

I know it is rare but what if he comes to his senses before Plan B and decides he is ready to commit to the marriage and recovery. Do I then ask that my needs are met also? I feel like if he were to come home from this trip and be like I've been an idiot I will go NC and I am commited to you. Then maybe I should continue plan A and very politely ask though maybe not right away but ease into my needs and ask that he meets them. Start with an easy one. I know he will not be open to reading books or going to therapy so I will need to find my own way of doing it.

Ok maybe that was expectations. Sorry. I will put that aside. Tonight I relax. Tomorrow I get to work. I think I might try and organize the house while yes gone clean up some crap that's been piling up. And make sure it's super awesome clean when he gets home.

Message delivered.

That was fun

.

Now go relax

I did relax. A bunch. Now I'm going to sleep. No response from my message yet but it doesn't really matter. He got it that's the important part. I'm going to sleep now. Getting up early. Can't let my sis down, gotta work out. And two glasses of wine affect me way more than they used to.

I feel pretty good tonight atleast.

So. He triedto tell me I was using sex to to cover up the issues. Then said that I have never done anything like that before. I just explained I thought it would cheer him up after a long day at work an that I was thinking about him. And just because I've never done it before doesn't mean I can't do it now. And I told the truth that I thought it was fun. He didn't respond after that. Now I have to deicide if I should do something tonight or not. Hmmm.

Also I think I will get started today on Plan B stuff. I needto get my letter nailed down.

Good for you!

Just told him the truth. You love him and want to make your marriage work. Hard to argue with that.

No need to fight.

Post your rough draft Plan B letter when you're done.

Will do. Going out after work with some friends but I am going to try an start drafting the letter during lunch. I think planning for Plan B will help me keep sain during Plan A. Plus I am actually finding that I like doing things for him. I want to make him happy. I really do. Yes I want something in return but that's not going to happen right now so I will reward myself for my efforts. I think I need to come up with a reward system for myself. Like if I have a good plan A day I get x amount of money to spend or if im good all week I get to go to the mall. And if I slip up maybe make a punishment.

That is the thing about having a plan - it empowers you. Dunno about the reward/punishment thing, but if it helps, then go for it. Knowing your end date for Plan A/start date for Plan B will help.

It is very empowering!!

Maybe the punishment is a bad idea but I should be rewarding anyway I think. I just want to come up with something.

I haven't decided on a specific date yet for Plan B. I want to Make sure I do a really good Plan A. I know some stuff says no more than 6 weeks. I don't know if I will be ready then. I really want Plan A to just work. I know I know it probably won't. But I have hope.

Any thoughts on something to do tonight. I could just send another picture but thinking I should do something different. Maybe this time do something not sex related. I could send a funny picture of the dogs If I can catch them in the act. Or a nice email.

Nice email.... or a picture of your dinner with a caption "This would taste so much better if you were here to share it with"... or maybe a little love poem.

Is there something you can link to from your past that is pleasant? A favorite restaurant, date, event? Something fun only you two shared together? Maybe incorporate that into it.

He told me I am trying to be someone I'm not because I think it is what he wants and that I won't be like that long term and he doesn't want me to change. Does this even make sense? Ahhhhh. Babble.

Babble. Ignore it and stick to your plan. You're changing to be a better you- that better you will be a better wife. This is as much for you as him.

You're doing good

Alright I'll just keep at it. He's coming home tonight. I think I am going to make some dessert and have it sitting there when he gets home. And the house will be completely clean. Then I'll slip into something comfortable and strut around the house.

lol, sounds like a plan.

I can't remember, what are his top needs?

SF domestic support and probably admiration too.

I just have a bad feeling he is going to go to her house first. Ughhh.

When I talked to him last night briefly he was telling me how it was so unlike me and he thought I was changing myself to make him happy blah blah. I just said. I wanted to do something nice for you because I love you very much I am not changing who i am. It was like he wanted to get mad but he had nothing to get mad at. We talked for a few minutes about random stuff and when he had to go I said I love you very very much. He sighed and was like "ok whattodo"

I will just show him that I love him by my actions.

So new development...

Last night he said his flight was getting in late.

Today I asked him his flight number. (I always do when he is traveling) and he said he didn't know it yet because they switched flights. I said ok let me know when you know or atleast what time.

So I've had this bad feeling all morning. Intuition if you will.

Then something on his facebook makes me think he is already at airport so I start thinking if he's already at airport his flight is not getting in "late"

So I text his Coworkers wife and ask if she knows flight times. She says she thinks she knows and that there was a flight change and tells ne the new time. Which is not late. And in fact he would be home in time for dinner. So now I don't know what to do. I know his flight so I will know when he gets into town. But he is still trying to tell me he has a late flight. I guess assuming I'm not going to figure it out?

Ahhh waywards!!!!

Any ideas of what to do?