Allen, how is it that you know of Dr. Harley's advice? What is your story?

A forum owner setting rules for their forum doesn't smack of communism to me, at all. People pay for the forums they run and have the right to set whatever standards they want; to me, violating that would be communism.

You will be much more welcome and productive over here, anyway. How did you find us?

No, it isn't communism. Information is available, but Marriage Builders is the sign on the door, they're the ones paying for the servers and this little piece of the internet for you. You are here because they LET you be here. If you want to set up your own forum, paid for out of your own pocket to discuss diverse Marriage philosophies, you're welcome and free to do so.

But here, we talk about Marriage Builders. Over at divorce busters, they talk about Davis' strategies.

Forums thrive on moderation. The chaos that descends without it KILLS forums. I say this having watched forums rise and fall over the last decade.


This is a fallacious argument. No one is FORCED to only hear one strategy. The web is huge and access to one site does not preclude you from going to others and hearing different information.

The visitor wasn't forced to be there; they have an open marketplace of ideas to select from. The internet is a much bigger place than one forum, thankfully.

How about a rousing debate about the efficacy of exposure? Better yet, how about you and V post your situations?

Filtering out information is censorship by definition.

I don't agree with restricting visitors advice to only one strategy.

It's censorship no matter how you decorate it up or excuse it.

I think we are getting off topic! lol

Allan,

Nice to find you here. I got deleted/banned with you and Puppy.

At least I'm in good company...

-Eeyore

Nothing wrong with censorship when other people are paying the bill. If you have a problem with restricting discussion to one strategy when YOU get the service for free, then you're going to have a problem here too. Here we talk about MARRIAGE BUILDERS. You have the right to practice free speech wherever YOU'RE paying the bill on your little patch of the internet. You don't like the rules here, make your own rules in your neck of the woods. That's the nice thing about the internet - it's big.

We are off topic - how can Marriage Builder's help you?

My story is that a year ago my wife finally ended a three year long on an off affair.

Exposure had a great deal to do with that.

Trying to share my experiences and my reading of Harley and Penny Tupy on the db forum lasted several months until someone complained to the moderator because they felt using exposure was "hurtful and vindictive" and I was asked to refrain from suggesting exposure to this person or anyone else on the forum

Got banned.. Now I am here.

The affair has left my home.. we are slowly working towards each other again.

OM is gone, got off scott free since he is single and reckless and everyone he knows doesn't care what a homewrecker he is...

Yup.. good to see you too ee!

Hows you and your wife doin right now?

What have you done to recover the marriage? When was DDay? When was NC established?

You won't get banned around here for discussing other marriage programs, but you will get in trouble if you post such things to newcomers who are here to get help on Marriage Builders. That is destructive and disruptive to the thread of a newcomer who comes here in dire straits.

The Harleys pay good money to provide a forum where people can get help for their marriages for free. That goal is impeded if someone comes on and posts destructive, contradictory advice to a newcomer. That will be censored, as it should.

I disagree with this one, but agree we are off topic.

I don't need help from MB, the affair is out of my house.

I expect you will be seeing others from **edit** arriving here soon too...

There's a rash of bannings and censorship going on there...

Meh. Not great, not bad, it just is.

May be moving into sex-starved territory. She's still here, and the A was busted after exposure a while back. She just doesn't feel like being affectionate or intimate.

MB isn't JUST about ending the affair. NOT by a long shot.

You DO need help from MB.

I've never had an affair affect my marriage, but using MB and posting on this forum has DRAMATICALLY improved my marriage.

MB is for everyone, not just affairs.

What is your purpose posting here, if not to share your story for the benefit of others, or to ask for help from others in bettering your marriage?

Good to hear how exposure worked for you. Are you familiar with Dr. Harley's ten basic concepts? What are you doing in slowly working toward each other again?

I've discussed the idea of using exposure to others outside of the MB forums. You'd be surprised (or probably not!) at the amount of resistance there is to that idea. Comments ranging from "it's their business, not ours" to "it's a great way to destroy a friendship", etc...

In those discussions, part of the problem tended to be the use of the term "exposure" which tends to lead persons to believe that it's being used in an attempt to harm and humiliate, not to bring an end to A-related activity.

Perhaps a better term to use might be "disclosure" which tends not to attract the same resistance, at least not initially

Some people do agree with that kind of restriction.

If you'll read the first amendment closely, it says you have the right to say whatever you want with your own printing press. It doesn't grant anyone the right to do that with other people's printing presses, although some people are nice and permit the use of their press (or website) under terms that are pleasing to themselves and the people they work with.

I don't fully agree with Vibrissa that forums thrive on moderation; I think forums thrive on an open marketplace where people who don't like the terms of one forum can establish a competing forum and everybody can get what they like. This encourages forum owners to be responsive to the desires of those they want to attract and serve. Sometimes this may mean moderation, sometimes it may mean less moderation, sometimes it may mean different standards of moderation.

I like this site's mission and the way it achieves it through moderation. The mission is up at the top: to discuss and learn Marriage Builders concept. That mission would be disrupted if moderation didn't keep us on task, and then the site would be less valuable to me. So I have to respect another site's desire to spend their resources how they like.

But you are right; we are far off topic. Thanks for posting a bit about your situation; I encourage you and all the newcomers you have brought to start your own threads and tell your stories and let us discuss and learn Marriage Builders together so we can see how it can help you. Truth is, in all these discussions, I am actually helping MYSELF figure out how to put these concepts into my own marriage.

Exposure rules

Censorship drools

But how is recovery going? Ending the affair is only the beginning of the battle.

I don't know how it is for you, but if my wife were to be unfaithful, I would not be willing to take her back without complete recovery, which for me includes both of us falling in love passionately with each other again. I would want my wife to make up for what happened, and I would not be willing to continue if she would not do that.

Have you read Dr. Harley's article on Just Compensation?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042b_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042c_qa.html

It's been a year for me ee and we still aren't intimate.

That takes a lot of time, particularly once an affair gets sexual.

Keep up the fight.

Eeyore, I suggest you start a new thread for yourself and tell your story. Marriage Builders can help with sex-starved territory. At the beginning of the year, sexual experiences with my wife were a terror more often than not, and it seemed I was running into constant rejection of everything I asked for. We started the Marriage Builders program and she ranked Sexual Fulfillment at the very bottom of her priority of emotional needs. Now after several months, she desires sex enough that I can't keep up with her and she not only grants my requests, she seems to just read my mind and figure out what I want.