Based on this you DO need marriage builders. Ending the affair isn't enough. What has been done to recover?

No, employ the MB program, in its entirety.

Will you folks start your own threads, and use MB?

We're working on it...

Just navigating discussions right now.. It will settle in soon not to worry... we just arrived.. you don't want to scare people off on their first day here do you? lol

My purpose here is both to learn, and to help others.

I have invited others here from another forum where exposure talk has become highly unwelcome.

We will split threads up soon... just doing a meet and greet for the moment here to regroup.

I expect more to arrive over the next few days... all eager to learn more about using exposure effectively.

Trying to discuss it where we were has gotten us banned.

I'm glad you've found MB

Be careful V, I saw your post on db forum.. you are gonna get the boot like Puppy and I did.. not just your account but your IP as well

Settle on in, we're glad you're here since you already believe in the program. Please read the top of the page, here's a clip of the (imho) important part for you and your pals:

Sometimes you may hear alternative opinions that conflict with Dr. Harley's Ten Basic Concepts. These are often raised by those who have not solved their own marital problems, but still feel they are qualified to advise others. When this happens you can expect some members to explain why their approach won't work, and why Marriage Builders� offers a better solution. There are many who are offended when that happens, but please keep in mind that the ultimate purpose of this Forum is to discuss and learn Marriage Builders� concepts.

I am fine with discussion and counterargument.

The db forum was not. They wanted no argument about exposure - period.

They won't even allow a debate about it so people can learn why its so terrible... Won't even hear it.

I welcome alternative viewpoints and I appreciate that they need hammered out a bit and that just gives people more insight when they see someone offer counterargument.

The arguments are as much a way to learn as reading a simple article...

Arguments refine thought... And people learn watching that process happen.

When you shut down that process, you shut down learning.

That is what I objected to on the db forum and what I was ultimately banned for.

Over here exposure is generally accepted conventional wisdom, along with the other Marriage Builders concepts promulgated by the Marriage Builders founder, Dr. Willard Harley. Dr. Harley pays to put the site up, so typically in each person's thread they will be encouraged by other folks to consider how exposure could help them. They might push back with their objections, and will usually receive answers more specific to their situation.

What we don't like is when on someone's thread they are being encouraged to expose and they are expressing their doubts, and somebody jumps in, counter to Marriage Builders and counter to Dr. Harley, and agrees with their doubts and encourages them not to expose! Since Dr. Harley is paying for the forum and he has expressed the purpose here is to learn Marriage Builders, he doesn't like folks to be dissuading people from using this program. In addition to lively debate from regular posters, people who persist in that kind of behavior usually find themselves moderated and eventually banned.

The same is true for ALL of the Marriage Builders concepts, not just exposure. And there is much more to this program than just exposure or just ending an affair. Marriage Builders is about creating marriages full of romantic love, which most people I know believe fades after two years or so. Many of us are using the program to restore, increase, or maintain romantic love in our marriages even when there has been no affair. We've also seen people who just settled for bringing a wayward spouse home after an affair and didn't go all the way with the program and restore romantic love; these people are usually in for great heartache, and we want to spare them that. The typical scenario for recovery (including restoration of romantic love) after an affair, if the program is engaged in actively and without modifications, is about two years. We don't want to see people languish year after year in sexless loveless marriages to someone who cheated on them, hoping to get thrown a few crumbs now and then and hoping some magic will make things better.

Generally, everybody is encouraged to ask their questions and express their objections so they can see why we here feel like each point of the Marriage Builders program is the best way to do things. But they are discouraged from disrupting someone else's thread with their own objections. The purpose of the site is to learn Marriage Builders; not to pick and choose from many different programs.

The cool thing is there is enough information on this site to implement the Marriage Builders program free.

Here is a helpful thread for betrayed folks new to Marriage Builders: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

On the db forum what I had recommended if anyone disagreed with a practice in general to open a thread and we would hammer out there... And that leaves each posters thread focused on their situation.

That's the thing... If I saw a poster disagree in geenral about exposure, I moved the convo to its own thread. If I saw a poster disagree how it fits that situation, you can hammer out there as it will only open up the person's marriage details and allow free info to flow...

I didn't care for general debates about the usefulness of a strategy to sit on personal threads either..

But what I objected to and was banned for was having a debate about the principles at all... It wasn't allowed.

Correction.. It was allowed because the mods weren't helping anyone on teh forum and I "got away with it" until someone objected because they didn't like Harley's argument and got miffed.

They alerted the mod.

I refused to keep quiet.

I was banned. lol

They won't allow any debate about exposure there. I would like to think Harley's princples would entertain some challenge in order for people to learn.. as long as it is in its own thread.

From my experience if someone doens't want to open their idea up for debate its usually because the idea doesn't stand up in public debate...

I realize this can get to excess and name calling etc can ensue.. i am not at all about that.

I am good with Harley's policies as long as my input is at least welcome on the face of it...

And I welcome challenges to anything I have to say... openly welcome them.

That's the problem with the db forum.. they don't tolerate debate there...

Either you push the strategies or you get off the forum.. period. No discussion or personal input is tolerated... Particularly on the subject of exposure.

I have seen my marriage almost go into the toilet due to this Draconian approach to forum management... very distasteful.

If your marriage is in the toilet it is due to the affair. Not the policies of an online discussion forum.

If your marriage fails to recover it is because you and your spouse didn't put into place a plan and protections to ensure that recovery.

Not because of the policies of an online discussion forum.

What is your plan Allan?

You say there is no physical intimacy in your marriage yet you are a year out from NC. It sounds like you're limping along. Now that you are here, are you willing to try MB to improve your marriage?

For a 3rd time: what have you done to recover your marriage?

Your marriage didn't almost go into a toilet over any approach to internet forum management.

You and your wife put it in the toilet. Not some anonymous mod. Don't blame the internet for personal choices.

Sorry guys, you don't have the details... It WAS the forum's handling of things that pushed my wife to the brink

Please don't speak without the details.. YOU weren't there, I was

Well

Seeing as you won't actually GIVE details, just gripe and blame your problems on others...

I'm sorry YOU AND YOUR WIFE are responsible for the state of your marriage. NO ONE else - well maybe the OM.

Is it possible you got bad advice? Probably, but the internet has a wealth of information available to you. You obviously knew about MB but chose to use the Divorce Buster's program. That was your choice.

In order to fix this mess you will have to accept responsibility for your choices.

I really cannot conceive of how a forum moderator is to blame for the state of your marriage.

So your wife was posting and they FORCED her to cheat on you? How does that happen? I think you may have a kidnapping and rape charge to press...

wow

And because your imagination is that limited you chose to attack me?

Wow.. that's great support you offer...

Wow, more attacks...

Allan

Do you want help, or do you want to complain.

You're posting a lot, but you aren't answering questions.

This place is big on personal responsibility. You can't fix what you wont admit was broken and no one can help you if you don't explain your situation. You say we don't know the whole story. Why not instead of complaining about attacks, you actually TELL US THE STORY so we can know what is going on.

I won't support someone who choses to blame a forum moderator for their marriage state, when they give NO DETAILS as to how that actually occurred. Since I don't know how things happened, and I CANNOT REASONABLY CONCEIVE of how an anonymous internet entity substantially contributed to the destruction of your marriage more so than you or your wife did, I am left to assume that you are scapegoating someone else for your problems.

Please! ENLIGHTEN me rather than getting your back up.