I really appreciate your reply. I am a former member of the bishopric, and currently serve on the high council, so I am intimately familiar with the church disciplinary process. My experiences have been just as you described- I can't imagine a more loving and compassionate situation. Unfortunately, my wife is convinced of the worst-case scenario. One of the reasons I am not pushing this is that I know that her level of humility, contrition and remorse will largely determine how this process goes for her. We are very fortunate that we have some close friends in our ward who have come forward to support us and shared with us that they have been down this same road. Their support and advice has been invaluable. The WS from this couple has told me that one thing my wife needs right now is to feel in control of something, because regardless of her ridiculous words and deeds right now, she is painfully aware that the affair is in control of her, not the other way around. The initiation of repentance is one thing that she can still control. She has also told me that for her, she had to be absolutely, positively certain that she was done with it before she would begin her repentance process. She says that when she makes this decision, it will represent a big turning point. I know that we are in for a long road, but I believe that if she can break this addiction, she will come around. I am now trying to exercise some faith, but it is not easy. Thanks again for your advice, it is much appreciated.

Regretfully, this statement is very accurate and very common and very predictable. Waywards are not very unique, they tend to buy in to the same lies. The Enemy has only so many lies that he can use to wisper into her ears and we've seen em all on these forums. So, yes, it's predictable!

Plan A is still the best offense and defense if you want to attempt to save your marriage. My wife's plan A left a lasting, positive impact on me even when everything had appeared beyond hope.

Saying a prayer for you.

Her primary method of contact has been by cellphone (blackberry). She is no longer calling him or texting him, but she was at one time instant messaging him over the internet via the blackberry. She has removed that program from her phone, and pretty much allows me unfettered access to everything now (cellphone, computer, facebook, all passwords, etc.). We did the lying/deception thing for a couple of months, but that seems to have changed. The only thing that bugs me now is her hanging out with her divorced friend, but each time I have checked up on her, everything has checked out. I may be delusional, but I think no contact is in force. (I will continue to be viglant though, I'm not stupid.) I may have mis-stated the 30 day period. This was actually sort of my idea. In the beginning days of NC, she would get very despondent as she fought withdrawal. I told her that I didn't think she would physiclly survive the ordeal if she had to get up every morning and decide , so perhaps we should set some milepost in the future that no matter what, we would work towards, and then re-evaluate at that point. Of course, I was hoping for a longer period of time, but she came up with 30 days. She insists that it is not a deadline, just a checkpoint, and part of my plan A is that we have agreed not to discuss our problems during this period, and try to live as normally as possible. So far, this is working pretty well. Obviously, things are not normal, but we are getting along well, and she seems to be warming to me a little more each day. I have been very clear with her about the realities of separation and divorce, which is one of the reasons she has agreed to no contact and appears to be trying so hard. Thanks for your advice.

I totally agree- she wants to say she tried. I am going to give Plan A a full try, not just for her, but for me as well. I also need to know that I have given it my best effort. Your prayers are much appreciated. I have probably spent more time praying during this ordeal than during the rest of my life combined. What I have determined is that she has her agency to choose for herself, and I can't take that away from her. I can and will do everything within my power to influence her decisions though, and I just feel that right now, plan A is the right thing.

Well, wonder of wonders, something has happened today that has never happened since this ordeal began. My WS actually initiated contact with me without wanting something (texted me just to say hello), then dropped by my office for a friendly visit (which I said I would faint if that ever happened), and left me with a tender kiss. My Giver thinks this is a great sign. My Taker thinks something is up. Progress, or cover-up?

Have you considered changing her cell number? Has she changed her email address? She needs to make it impossible for him to contact her. If he calls her and she sees his name pop up on her phone, all the hard work of going through withdrawal she's been doing will go out the window.

His number is blocked from her cell phone, via the Verizon website, which only I have access to, and his email is blocked also. I have taken as many extraordinary measures as possible, but with tracfones and various internet means of contact, it is virtually impossible to prevent any contact. She and I have both talked about the fact that if contact occurs, the clock will be re-set. She even said that she fully expects him to try to contact her one more time, even though she was very firm with him. I have talked with her about not answering unknown numbers and having some resolve about what she would do if he somehow got through to her. I guess we will have to cross that bridge if/when we come to it. She does seem fairly determined, but I understand that I can't believe everything she says either.

You need to ENSURE contact doesn't occur, especially as she believes he will attempt to break NC.

He can use a different phone to call her. He can set up a dummy email account.

Change her phone number. Change her email account.

Then he DEFINITELY can't contact her.

It is worth it to avoid this very real risk.

Mark wheels and I are LDS as well, your story is soo similar to ours. I had 2 EA's online. My husband found this site after the second one started (thank goodness he did too!!)

I wanted to say one thing though about her going to see the Bishop, you are right you can't force her to go. After the first EA I told my husband that I will see the bishop when "I'm" ready when in reality my intentions were to never go. A couple reasons...

Embarrassment (we are very much liked in the ward)
Fear of Ex communicated
And fear I would still be in contact of the OM

Well what ended up happening instead of venting to my bishop I was venting with a really good friend of ours that we have known for 3 years (he lives in ausi) well I guess you can find out what happened after that. Wheels was smarter this time around seeing the same old signs, but what he didn't know was that I actually fell in love with him (HUGE MISTAKE)

What woke me up was after Wheels exposed me I woke up. I actually had a burning desire to go see my bishop and start taking those necessary steps and getting my marriage back and the repenting process. I was gone for 2 weeks visiting my sister because I actually left after he exposed, the day I came back I made an appointment to get back on the right track.

I guess because I was very remorseful, told him exactly what {H} and I are doing (I told him all of the MB principles to help our marriage) I wasn't disfellowshiped or ex communicated. Of course I didn't partake of the sacrament for 6 months I was very grateful for everything that our Bishop said and the help of MB.

If you want to hear both wheels and I's story here is wheels thread....

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=159174&Number=2328730#Post2328730

Here is mine

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=160243&Number=2376119#Post2376119

Don't want to make this post too long, but if you are interested on what Wheels did and what happened by all means if it helps read it.

Sorry you are here, but you are at the best place to help your marriage.

P.S any contact from the OM will set back your marriage even if she is listening to songs, looking at pix of him, etc. That is still contact.

Your wife needs to feel remorseful and the only way to help her get to that point is to expose the affair.

I would say CHANGE her numbers and email addresses. I believe that your wife is LONGING for OM to make contact. She is HOPING it will happen. She wants to feel that excitement. Change all means of contact so it CAN NOT happen.

I don't mean to tell you this to harm you, just to inform you.

I agree about your WW want him to make contact. Not wanting it, but wanting it. The idea that she fully expects him to make contact with her makes me think either he has already or there is something else going on. Take control of the phone and change the number. NC rarely happens right after d-day and it is very painful to have it broken.
She should want to do this if it makes you feel more comfortable and able to trust her.
It sounds like it was a good day with WW. I hope that it is a sign of things to come.
But for now, I would not believe what she says unless you can verify. I was stunned how much my H could lie and look me straight in the eye. And I believed him. Partly because I wanted to believe it was true, I suppose. But mostly because I had never known him to be a liar before! So, I still believed him when he said he was not seeing or talking to OW.
That was before I found out about his secret apartment where OW would stay with him. And his secret cell phone so they could stay in contact with each other. And e-mails/pictures of OC. And him giving her a �good-bye� diamond ring���and me the exact same one! And on and on��������������..
Each time I found more lies after d-day was more painful than the last.
Make NC as easy to verify as you can.

/sign the idea of changing her phone number.

OM tried to call my WW 3-4 times one day before we could go in the next day to change her number. Fortunately she didnt answer, her phone still said "First unheard message" so I know she handnt listened to the messages, and teh bill did not show her answering the calls... so I know she didnt talk to him than, but sheeeesh... MUCH TOO CLOSE for comfort.

Change her number, change her email, change her Facebook / social site passwords to things you know so she can go on it only when you are there and log her in.

Check history on internet, or install a keylogger.

NC is not something to leave to chance or worse, up to your WW. It needs to be something you can control and verify.

Scotland was of IMMEASURABLE help to me while I went through D-Day and beyond. Her and the other vets here really have seen all the lies in the Wayward Script. Trust them.


Edit: Oh yeah, also, obviously it is ALWAYS possible for her to make contact if she REALLY wants to. BUT, you CAN give hints that you are watching. Do not tell ALL the ways you are checking up on her, but do little things like ask what websites she visited today, and when she tells you some, ask her about one she didnt tell you, even if its benign, so she knows that you already knew what sites she was on. Same thing if you install a tracking GPS on her car, or at least log the miles on it when you leave for work, and what it is when you get home and compare. Then ask her what she did. If she doesnt mention going anywhere, and theirs miles on the car, ask if she went out. If she says no, thats obviously a lie. You can confront it there, or recognize that maybe she has a new way to break NC, and you should have the car monitored or something. Whatever you choose, the power is in your hands.

It will help her remain committed if in addition to her personal commitment, she knows you are watching, but isnt sure about all the ways you watching.

People dont do things they know are wrong unless they think they can avoid the consequences.

Good luck!

I appreciate your comments. Our stories are quite similar, except in my case the OM is an old boyfriend. We actually discussed the repentance process last night, and she seems to be gathering her courage. I know that this will be a huge step along the road to recovery. I can tell that she is really trying hard. She seems to be over the deepest depression, but she still admits to being somewhat in withdrawal. One issue for her has been intimacy/affection (not talking about sex, just normal hugging, hand holding, etc.). She has made great strides in that area this week, so I am hopeful that as her addiction to OM breaks, her feelings for me will return. By the way, every indication is that OM has gotten back together with his ex-wife. He disclosed to WS when she requested NC that ex-wife was pursuing him again. He also told WS that his wife had been aware of his feelings for WS during their entire 18-yr. marriage. Continuing with Plan A with fingers crossed and much prayer.

Thanks for your advice. I have actually been doing almost all of the things you suggested. I am in "trust but verify" mode, continuing to monitor things. So far, everything has checked out.

Hi Mark,
I am sorry for the happenings that brought you here. Life seems difficult enough without loosing the help and support of one's companion. To have this happen....... sometimes seems impossible to deal with.

However, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and are doing what is needed.

I would also recommend getting Dr Harley's books. I think reading through them will help you make a much better plan for the future.

There are a number of things to keep in mind as you go through the next few months.

1. This won't be fixed in a few weeks or even months. It will take a few years. I recommend you give yourself a time line of at least two years - then look at it again, and do a major plan revision based on where you think you are at that point in time.

This doesn't mean you loose your choices during that time. It means you have a plan that gives you the most chance of success. You will still have the freedom to do what you think is best if she does not respond.

2. Study and learn Dr Harley's Materials.
I have taken the "Marriage and family relations" Sunday School class ........... probably 6 or 7 times. Maybe more. I always agreed with the theory, but I didn't know how to make it work in my marriage.
After we got:
"His needs, her needs"
and
"Love Busters"
I knew what I needed to do, and I knew how to do it, and how to measure it.

These books are wonderful.
You also need "Surviving an Affair."

Don't try to actually "do" everything that you learn all at once, but if you have it in your mind, you can use it during the stages of recovery. The more you know the better your chances.

Besides, it gives you something to concentrate on, so you don't go crazy.

3. Pray

4. Pray

5. Pray.

6. Once your W fully commits...... discuss, implement, and keep the four rules faithfully.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html

7. Change yourself.
Using what you learn from Harley's books, make the changes in yourself that are needed. You have no control over what she does, but you can control what YOU do. If there are things you can do better, do them. Remember that you get to keep the changes that YOU make. No matter what she does, you can be a happier and better person when you come out the other side of this.

8. Your children need to know.
They already know something is wrong. IF you don't tell them what it is, their imagination may supply something worse. They may think it's THEIR fault, because they don't know the truth .

I believe it was Jesus who said that the truth would set us free. Your children deserve freedom.
Be prayerful. If you are in tune, the Lord will help you do this the right way.

9. Don't let any thing knock you off the path. You already know there is opposition in all things. It is by design. It is for our good. However, there is always danger in it.
Keep doing the things that you know will help. Don't do the things that will harm you.

10. Do things with your family - even more than usual. Families in crisis need someone to lead. Be the leader they need. It might be hard, but God is faithful to help us when we ask, and then try as hard as we can to make things work.

Spend more time with your children. Invite your W to come, but if she won't, go do things anyway. It can be as simple as going for a walk together........ and talking while you walk. There is no substitute for time, especially right now.

God bless you, that you may have the best possible outcome from this terrible experience.

SS

Mark - are you and your wife praying together, as a couple, daily? I know that for my husband and I that one, simple act has done so much to bring us together.

Do you have a calling right now? You may want to consider asking for a release so you can focus as much time as possible on your family.

Have you asked for a Priesthood blessing? That could be a great source of comfort and strength to you. Has your wife requested one?

Are you leading your family in prayer and scripture study, in FHE?

How are you doing, personally, on your spiritual journey? Prayer, fasting, scripture study?

You don't have to answer these questions, just evaluate them for yourself. Right now is the time to turn to the Lord and ask him to buoy you up.

Thanks for the advice. I am reading "His Needs, Her Needs" right now. WS has promised to read it next. I plan to order "Surviving Affair". Prayer has become about the most important thing in my life right now. You are so right about the opposition. Even when things are going well and everything checks out, I still find myself with groundless feelings of suspicion and mistrust. WS continues to improve, but someone described this as a roller coaster, and that is an apt description. I'm holding on for dear life, trying to avoid love busters. I am prepared for a very long road.

We do pray together as a couple daily, with few exceptions. That is one thing that we were not doing regularly before, and I really feel that was one of the cracks that allowed the adversary in. WS will not pray vocally during these couple prayers, but she will pray when it is her turn during family prayer with the children. We have also placed renewed emphasis on family scripture study, which WS does participate in. My wife has requested and allowed me to give her two p/h blessings. I currently serve on the stake high council, and have not asked for a release. Stake President is aware of my situation, and is counseling me regularly. He shares my opinion that WS should come forward on her own to confess, so he is holding off on calling her in. I have asked him to use the discretion and discernment that come with his calling to decide how best to proceed.

Thanks for the advice. I am reading "His Needs, Her Needs" right now. WS has promised to read it next. I plan to order "Surviving Affair".

I don't know how much advice you really need - as I said, you seem to be doing well. However, it doesn't hurt to have some outside observer tell you that every once in a while.

I am glad you are reading HNHN, as it I believe it will help. If your W will read it, I think it will help her to "get it." Don't push it though.

Prayer has become about the most important thing in my life right now.

Isn't it interesting how Humble we can become at times? Wouldn't it be great if we were always this humble? God is good to help though, and not leave us to ourselves. I can feel the gratitude in your comment. Prayer does that for me too. What would we do, or could we do without that anchor in our lives? That's how I can say with confidence that you will be OK however this turns out. HE knows you, and he doesn't let us fail if we continue to be humble, and keep trying. Some people say that Jesus was a failure, because he was killed, and never finished what he set out to do. However, his future looks pretty bright to me. If we stick with him, ours will be too.


You are so right about the opposition. Even when things are going well and everything checks out, I still find myself with groundless feelings of suspicion and mistrust. WS continues to improve, but someone described this as a roller coaster, and that is an apt description.

Improvement (in your wife) is good, but you need to tie your feelings to your own inner self, and your relationship to God, not what she does or says. Remember the story of Elisha, and his servant. (2 Kings. 6:16�17.) Remember that you have help, and always will if your heart is right.

You need to know what is going on, and you need to do all in your power to make things work, but God is capable of doing the heavy lifting. Trust him. Trust him no matter what happens ever day, or how it looks, or where it goes.

I'm holding on for dear life, trying to avoid love busters. I am prepared for a very long road.

I smiled when I read this last part. Isn't it the way things are? We have to hold on............ so often. And we endure while we do it.

I think President Hinkley was right, the trick is to learn how to enjoy the ride.

How was your weekend? How are you doing this week?

SS