I moved over here from divorce busting.

1/09: I become unhappy w/H & M due to H's heavy work schedule & H's disinterest/refusal to ML

Spring 09: problem worsens, tell H I need sex. H & I ML 1.5 times from 1/09 - 9/09. H starts accusing me of having A (didn't).

6/09: start thinking about leaving H. Stop coming right home after work, spend as much time away from home as possible.

7/09: H starts affair (I think. Could be earlier)

Summer 09: withdraw more and more; trying to decide whether to stay or go

8/09: H talks about renewing our vows

9/09: H says he wants D (out of nowhere); get suspicious, check his phone, find incriminating texts & pix from co-worker OW. Believe H's lies

10/09 - 1/10: temporarily move in w/female friend; NC for 6 weeks

11/09: A goes from EA to PA

1/10 - 3/10: back in home w/H. H threatening, manipulative, bullying. Finally realize/believe H is having A.

2/10: expose A to BIL (only living relative on H's side). BIL doesn't believe, doesn't want to get involved

3/10: 5th anniversary; H & I have major battle, H physically attacks me for the only time; move to apt, do not give H address

4/10: H introduces OW as new g.f. to our mutual friends

3/10 - 6/10: Minimal contact w/H. A still going strong

5/10: Get the first paperwork from L the day before my birthday (which was on a weekend). I only asked H to not wreck my bday for me, so I'm pretty sure this was deliberate on H's part.

6/10: expose A to all mutual friends (95% married couples). MF's also don't want to get involved. H becomes increasingly hostile, violent, vicious. Last face to face interaction w/H, H threatens to kick my a$$. H takes me off health insurance, but doesn't tell me.

7/10: H files (appears to be heavy pressure from OW); I contest. Last contact w/H (text; H making up crazy accusations). H freaks about not knowing where I live - says the only way I can have my stuff is if movers bring it to me.

10/10: Still trying to get the rest of my property from the home. After that is done (trying for the last 3 months!!!), exposing A to OW's parents. OW is single.

Love H, unsure of whether or not I should continue to try to save M. Unsure if I am still in love w/H. H has been violent, vicious, spiteful since January. Appears that H does any and every thing that he thinks will be hurtful.

Won't allow me to see our dog. That is about the only thing he knows for sure will hurt me. Haven't seen her in almost 4 months. But to H, I don't give any sort of reaction. It kills me, but I am not going to reinforce his behaviour by letting him know.

Any help appreciated.

What were the results from your policeman friend Vul.. would they not offer you escort into your WH's home to get your belongings?

I would seriously look into filing an abuse complaint and get a police escort in there to get your things and your dog.

Hi, Vulcanized; I saw your thread over there and am glad to see you post your story. I'm having a little difficulty following some of the DB acronyms, but I think I can transpose.

Have you read any of the following to see how Marriage Builders can help you?

Basic Concepts: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html
How to survive infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
What are Plan A and Plan B? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Here is some additional good reading:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Hi Allan,

Still waiting to hear back from L regarding whether or not to get a sheriff's deputy to get my stuff. Gossipy neighbors will have a field day if I do. Unless H does something new, I can't file a complaint. Avoiding H like the plague makes it less likely that he can/will do anything.

H has dog custody. H was letting me have visitation w/her (just like if she was a real child). My landlord suddenly changed his mind about her staying over around June. HOWEVER, I just got a call from him today, his elderly mother, who owns the building, and whom he claims is the one who didn't want the dog here, is going into a nursing home next week.

I figured I'd wait a little, then talk to him about this again. I know that you can get a legal visitation in place for pets. If I can bring her here again, then I will set that up w/my L.

Hi Markos,

Thanks for responding.

I have read some of the articles on this site. Also read His Needs, Her Needs. Thank you for the recommendations, I'll (re)read those as well.

I discovered this site at the same time as DBing. Spent much more time there than here. When links to this site were posted over there, read them. 'Plan A' I've read 6 or 7 times, I think!

Vulcan, welcome.

Some basic info:

How long married?
Do you have children?
Is this a first marriage for both of you, if not how did your previous marriages end and how did this one begin?

You say you are familiar with Plan A. Have you executed a Plan A? How was it? How long did it last? Are you willing to consider implementing a Plan B?

Oh, goodness, you shouldn't be doing Plan A multiple times!

Plan A can cause all kinds of health and emotional problems for you. It is especially hard on women, for whom it should not last longer than 3-4 weeks except in some special circumstances! Women come out of extended Plan A with post traumatic stress disorder, ruined immune systems ...

Plan A has a time limit, and it should start with preparations being made to go into Plan B when that time limit is up.

Also, it is not "Plan Doormat"; it has a carrot and a stick:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296184&gonew=1

Personally, I viewed this site from afar for a long time, thinking I was implementing the concepts, and then got here and had some discussion and found out I wasn't.

I'm in a similar boat. Lurked here for a year and a half, only started posting about 6 months ago and I've learned SO much and improved my marriage by leaps and bounds since I started ACTIVELY working on MB.

Isn't once enough?


V,

I don't think anyone here would recommend reconciliation with a physically violent spouse. If he ended his adultery today and wanted you to come home how would you address this?

Didn't see the physical abuse part. Thanks for pointing that out Chris.

I agree that he would need to address his Anger and Violence problem before you consider reconciliation. This would be part of any Plan B letter if you decide to go that route.

Could the violence be a symptom of the affair addiction?

Doesn't matter.

It is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE behavior that MUST be addressed before she gets back with him.

I think a Plan B may be in order, this is initiated via a letter which lays out the requirements to recovery. Vulcan should stipulate Anger Management to deal with the physical abuse as one of those requirements.

Plan B may lead to divorce, but it also creates a safe environment in which the BS can overcome and heal from the pain of the A.

Once is MORE than enough. H knows that this is my line in the sand. Physical violence is never acceptable. Shortly before the wedding, H & I had a fight. I wanted to leave, H physical blocked me and wouldn't let me. I punched him in the face. This was the only time I had ever raised a hand to H in anger. H forgave me. I was truly sorry and up until that night, I never hit H again. That night, I punched him for slapping me, breaking my glasses, dousing me in beer & throwing a beer at me, spitting and screaming in my face.



I really don't know. That is a lesser priority than the A. H, under normal circumstance, doesn't have a problem refraining from using violence.

As to H ending A. I don't know. Even if that were to happen, I'm here until 3/11. I wouldn't even consider moving back in w/H for at least 6 months after ending A. In the interim, I'd require IC and MC, as well as NC w/OW. H has heavy duty introspection and making amends to do before I'd even consider R. I don't know if H has capacity to do this or not. Currently, it's a moot point.

I am unsure if I should continue to contest the D, counter file under A, or just hold tight and wait. Part of me thinks that D is the best solution. Part of me thinks that if H end's A, then we alone, w/o OW's influence, should decide whether to R or to D. Part of me thinks that maybe we can R and have a stronger M for all this.

I agree its unacceptable.

I am just suggesting that the concern may be greater or less so depending on if its associated with the addiction.

If the affair ends, the violence could then end with it which is more optimistic.

Yes, I advocated a Plan B on the db forum. There is just an issue of some of Vulcan's belongings being at her WH's place and the shared ownership of their pet dog.

I would advocate a third party and/or sheriff deal with getting the things out and a lawyer to resolve the pet custody.

Yes, Allan, I think that is exactly what that was.

We were having this fight over OW. The following day, H was incredibly remorseful, ashamed, apologetic. H talked for hours; OW was calling H during all of this. I got frustrated and tried to walk away. Said to H: this is the problem. SHE and A are the problem w/us. Told H he might as well answer. Talk to her. H kept saying he didn't want to, he wanted to talk to me.

H is not a violent man. Not w/me, not w/other people.

But he has been violent. Once it happens, it becomes easier and easier to give yourself permission to become violent again.

He needs to address this issue. Saying sorry isn't good enough.

Hi Vibrissa,

Thank you for responding. Married 5.5, together 7.5. First M for both. No children.

As for Plan A, H gave a list of bogus reasons for wanting D - I am a slob, it takes me too long to get ready to go out, my (now former) BFF is over too much (once a week, if that), I don't socialize w/his friends, I'm always late.

I worked on these things. H sees that these things have changed. So, clearly they were excuses to cover the A.

As for Plan B. Told H that I wasn't living in an open M. As I was NC at the time, I sent the following email. H never responded, which I expected.


I moved back into the marital home roughly 3 weeks later. I was polite to H, but did not pursue, spent time out of house, or locked in my office. H tested me, picked fights w/me almost daily. H also initiated R talks. I listened, said little. H did have a valid issue that I wasn't inclined to have R talks (prior to bomb).

I moved out 2 months after moving back. I couldn't take the hostile environment.

Whenever H brings up D, or his reasons for it (which have shifted to I'm a cold bi^*h), I calmly respond that D is due to OW and A. That has been my mantra since February. I never out right said to H that I'm moving and not telling him where I live due to his A, but I think he understands the implication. I've told H numerous times that if he D's me that I will not be his friend, nor his enemy, I will be COMPLETELY gone from his life. H had a major freak out right before I left, b/c he thought I was going to change my phone number and not give him the new one. H was adamant that I had to be his friend, that I couldn't stop speaking to him.

H is still w/OW. I have been predominately NC since I left 7 months ago. I think he grasps that I will continue to be NC until he ends A. But maybe not, maybe I'm giving him to much credit.

I've considered writing him the protection letter, even though he has already filed for D 3 months ago. I assume that his extreme anger is partially due to exposure and partially due to my being NC. He was upset about the first bout of NC. I think he continues to call me cold, heartless, etc b/c I'm not asking him to R M, haven't said a word about he possibility since Feb. Just been living as best as I can and never, ever letting him see me sweat. When I see his friends, I'm upbeat, positive and happy.

Most waywards are like this. They believe is some fairytale fantasy divorce. IF he can get you to still be his friend, then his actions aren't THAT bad. Helps him sleep at night.

Based on this behavior he very well may respond to a full, pitch black Plan B.

Plan B starts with a letter and indicates an intermediary through which essential information can be passed and someone who will let you know when your WH decides to recommit and do the work necessary for recovery.

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

If not I suggest you get and read it ASAP.