Is it possible you guys just may be underestimating how much more complicated a poorly managed forum has made my marriage?

is that within the realm of your imagination that maybe.. just maybe... He's upset with a forum for its involvement in jeapordizing his marriage?

I come here for support, whether its a third party interloper attacking my mariage, my mother in law, or an internet forum you guys I don't think should be supporting the partly thusly connected by me as causing a great deal of problems for me and my wife.

Is this how you handle it when a third party starts contaminating a marriage too? Show up and argue a case for the other person and attack the forum poster?

Seriously guys, you need to relax and not get so judgmental without hearing details first...

I, the one here, would like the benefit of the doubt for the moment.. would that be ok with you please?

If someone came to me and said an interloper, thier mother in law, or an internet forum has made their marriage hell I would support them... Them being the ones there for support...

Isn't that what's supposed to happen here? Take the person's post at face value and offer what help you can?

And you say "maybe" the OP has some responsibility for the state of my marriage.. MAYBE?

Seriously?

Maybe we all should get our backs down and stop attacking.

I just don't like being second guessed after only being here for four hours.

If you don't want to hear my complaints don't read my thread... I have to take responsability for my marriage, I live in my home. The third party skips off stress free to violate another home now... He's done his damage here and now he's moving on...

I am not blaming HIM solely for the state of my marriage, but I would appreciate not being second guessed for holding others accountable for their contaminating actions as well.

You appear to want to drop the whole thing on my head and give everyone else a free pass...

Did it ever occur to you that I don't want to show up on a forum and drop my life out in the open in my first day here.. I want to get to know the people I am sharign with first?

And frankly I am not impressed with people supporting third parties or giving them "maybe" a free pass with no accountability for three years of damage preying on my home.

Allen instead of attacking us can you please give us the story and details? We can not help you if we do not know what to help with.

You are typing a lot but saying nothing.

Please tell us your story and tell us what you need help with.

Allan,

Frankly who cares about the other forum, time to stop talking about it, this one works, at least it did for me.

And yes there are many forums where the tone is to blame the victim and make the victimized feel guilty, but not this one.

It's been a year for me ee and we still aren't intimate. That takes a lot of time, particularly once an affair gets sexual.

Do you believe your W is still not longing for OM if this is the case?

God Bless
Gamma

I'm not supporting a third party. I, however, cannot think of any way that third party ruined your marriage.

Your spouse's affair ruined your marriage. Your lack of recovery has ruined your marriage.

I don't want to dump it on your head and yours alone. But typically the state of a marriage is the result of the choices of 2 people and 2 people only: those IN the marriage. Third parties are influences for good or bad, but only the 2 involved in the marriage can affect the state OF that marriage, by the choices they make in responses to those outside stimuli.

Waiting for details.

Sorry Vibrissa but I don't by the suggestion that OP cannot affect the state of the marriage.

Sorry, but I don't buy that.

I think once I third party gets involved its three people driving the marriage, not just two... And getting it back to two is the first step.

I don't buy this letting the third party off easy thing... I own my bad choices in my marriage. I own my part in my marriage being vulnerable to an affair.. I largely brought it to that state.

But once a third party covertly began to drive my wife away and she started listening that was theirs. I wasn't even privy to its happening for several weeks. I can't take responsibility for something I don't even know is going on.

I am fine with doing work. I am fine with owning my marriage, but within four ours of registering I have people on my case telling me "maybe" the third party had something to do with my marriage taking a beating and that anything involving an internet forum has nothing to do with the state of my marriage.

Outside influences can and do a lot of damage.

I am not finger pointing. I am aware of my bad choices. If I didn't think I was to blame for anything I would have ended things as soon as I found out I was being two-timed.

You can't fight for your marriage without taking ownership.. Not effectively anyways.

Maybe I don't want to offer details yet. Maybe I just want to read for a while and see what kind of people are responding?

I wouldn't walk into a family therapists office and open my marriage up immediately ether. I would spend the first two or three sessions getting to know the FT and how they go about their work.. Kick the Tires if you will... And that's for a professional who does this full time with a license.

My day yesterday started out with my being banned for advocating a strategy I first learned about from here. I invited others here who wanted to explore it further since it wasn't welcome elsewhere... That's it...

No details... Just me, reading and inviting others to come here for perhaps better support... I will withhold judgment for a while and my details...

But I do resent reading of Third party interlopers being offered free passes on a marriage support forum... Not a good first impression I'm afraid.

Thanks

An OP as in a physically or emotionally present OP who is affecting/influencing the actions of a WS are very much considered an offender on this forum.

OPs as in other forums where you have received non-MB advice are not.

Are we having the same conversation??

Did your wife post on the Other Forum and did they encourage her to cheat on you?

But - there is NO POINT in focusing on a third party. Even when that third party is the affair partner, rebuilding cannot begin until that person is out of the picture.

Sometimes that affair partner gets off scott free - free to destroy someone else's marriage. Did he/ she help destroy the marriage? Yes, but it was the WAYWARD SPOUSE'S behavior that afforded them that opportunity. Once you've done all you can to alert your community that the Affair Partner is dangerous, you need to let them go.

They're not getting a free pass - they just aren't important in the recovery process. Your wife's OM is irrelevant now. He is out of your life, time to stop wasting energy on him. Time to focus on you and your wife and your marriage.

Similarly, there are toxic outside influences that can damage a marriage, in-laws, friends, etc. It is the CHOICES you and your wife make that ALLOW these people influence. The problem isn't the people, the problem is the choices that you and your wife make that let these people into your life.

Focusing on parties OUTSIDE the marriage don't help your marriage. I'm not supporting them, I'm saying they DON'T MATTER to your recovery, which is about you and your wife and YOUR choices.

Some people can influence your wife for good, make CHOICES to ALLOW those people into your life. They can help better your marriage, but if your marriage is better, it is because of the CHOICE you two made to allow them to help you.

An internet forum only has as much power over your marriage as you ALLOW it to have. Ultimately the choices you make and your wife makes belong to YOU.

My mother committed adultery. She has modeled adulterous behavior all my life. If I cheat on my husband is it the fault of her influence? Of course not. I would have MADE THE CHOICE to be influenced by her. Unless she holds a gun to my head and makes me sleep with a man not my husband, she cannot bear responsibility for MY CHOICES.

Your OM takes responsibility for his part in the destruction of your marriage, but he was ALLOWED to do that by YOUR WIFE. So now, focus on your wife, because SHE was the one who made the choice to allow OM into your lives.

If I read correctly, this thread was just an introduction to alert anyone who knew Allan from over there that he is on this forum now.

Allan and I, along with several other new forum members, just got here today after a bad experience with another forum.

On the other forum, even our goodbyes were deleted by the moderators, so people on the other forum do not know we came over here.

For those who can not wait for my own thread, here is the Cliff's Notes version of my sitch:

- M 16 years, 3 children (D4,S6,S9).
- W had online A with M man she met on FB.
- Exposed to family and close friends, busted A.
- During exposure period, admitted to W that I had A 17+ years ago before we were M, when we were dating. No A on my side during our M.
- W now says she can not forgive my A 17+ years ago, and isn't sure she wants to work on the M.
- Still together, sharing a bedroom and bed. No affection or intimacy from W.

Please save your comments and suggestions for my own thread. I do not wish to hijack Allan's thread, and I'm not ready to discuss here until I get to know you better.

There will be plenty of time for all of us to post our own stories and start to contribute to the group; for me at least, today is just for orientation and introductions. Once I feel welcome, I will post more of my story, ask for advice and share what has and hasn't worked for me so far. I'm not there yet.

If this forum is going to be as aggressive and confrontational right off the bat as it has been so far today, this may not be the right place for me, either.

Eeyore, just want to say welcome, I'm sorry you're here. MB can help you restore your marriage.

Welcome to the forum, eeyore! We're glad to have you all here.

Welcome! Best place to come if you want to save your marriage, if my husband didn't come here I would be half across the world with some lousy lo-life OM...SHIIIVVVERS!! YUCK!

Read everything on this site, then you can ask questions.

Allan, it's not customary around here for us to help people avoid responsibility for the lot they have made in life.

You can recover your marriage. Not just keep your wayward wife in the door and not seeing anyone else, but recover the entire relationship, the love, the infatuation, the joy, and the sex. Would you like some help?

Nobody here gives a free pass to third party interlopers. Such as the man your wife had an affair with, for example. Most people here are pretty merciless to such folks as long as they are unrepentant, actually.

I think the deal is, most of us aren't buying the idea that the moderator of an online forum was an interloper in your marriage. Unless that is who your wife had an affair with?

Hey Allan and friends, you might want to also check out the Marriage Builders radio show. Dr Harley and Mrs Harley have a radio show every week day from 1 to 2cst where they talk about marriage and take questions from callers and emailers. You can send them an email and Dr Harley will answer your question on the air. You get a free book too. Marriage Builders Radio show

Bull.

He's taken no resonsability.. He walked out and left me and my wife to clean up the mess he and my wife made.

He's taking no responsability.. please stop.. you aren't convincing.

Well said ee

Now I'm avoiding resonsability?

Wow... you guys really know how to invite someone to open up... I should just give the OM a call and ask him for advice.

please stop posting to my thread if you are going to be confrontational and abuse people... if you are going to make accusations and support OP violating marriages please taken it elsewhere... I don't want that on my thread.

Hey, Allan,

I saw the part about not being intimate in a year and I guess I have a knee-jerk reaction to that...and it makes me worry about contact.

Has NC been established? Does your W work or see OM at all in any capacity? Do they work at the same company (even in separate buildings)? Do you have a keylogger set up to check and make sure she isn't looking him up on FB etc? Have all momentos from the affair (notes, cards, pictures) etc been destroyed?

Allan, welcome to MarriageBuilders.

I have not read this entire thread. Frankly, the first page or two of the back and forth conjecture and assumptions and misstatements regarding the finer points of online discussion forums is not really what I'm here for.

I think you would agree, no?

So here's what I suggest:

Use this thread to post your story. Post relevant details, where the M is now, and what you would like to improve upon. (Improve yourself, your M, etc.)

See how it goes.