Think of this like a drug addiction. When she sees him on facebook, she isn't taking a hit off the joint, but she's sitting around while others do, inhaling the fumes.

Contact is contact, even if he doesn't reciprocate it. FB contact is harmful because she is holding on to her feelings for him. Every time she sees his page, her feelings for him come back. EVERY scrap that reminds her of him needs to go. Permanently.

You cannot just 'trust' her that there is NC. She is not trustworthy. You need to know there is no contact. If you found out she saw his page through a secret key-logger, don't give up your source.

I'd just sit her down and say that you do not trust her and you feel it would be foolish to do so post-affair. As such you cannot just take her word that there is no contact. You need her to sit and write a NC letter, you need her to block him from FB, you need her to remove all items from your home that remind her of him, including songs, cards, notes, etc.

This is part of the stick - requiring the ending of the affair. This is part of Plan A.

It's not just meeting her needs, it's ending the affair. So a confrontation IS Plan A.

We've been through all of that and she's not willing to do it yet............She wants to do it when she is ready, not on my timeline. She's kind of doing it incrementally. The affair phone is gone. I believe this looking up on FB is the last remnant of memories...that and some songs she has.

Does this mean I go Plan B? I personally don't think so as I'm willing to wait it out a bit longer with the Plan A. Am I interpretting this wrong?

Plan A REQUIRES you demand she end her affair. Period. It is abusive for her to persist. She is STILL having an affair, without NC she will return to her affair.

This is why NC is so critical.

You are stuck in limbo.

Her not willing to do it YET, her wanting to do it on her timeline is evidence that she wants to keep the affair going. She will escalate her contact the longer you let her go on.

You gotta start playing hardball.

She will NEVER be ready. There will always be something keeping her from doing so. You can wait if you like, I seem to recall that you have a January date in mind. But you must actually SPEAK. You have to let her know what it is you need.

You may not need to go into Plan B immediately, keep up Plan A for as long as you can, but remain firm on NC. When she breaks NC, remind her again that this is a requirement for recovery and you won't always stick around.


This is a troubling scenario. She shows no remorse for the hurt she has caused you. Unless you stand up for yourself she will continue to walk all over you.

Good luck wantit, it isn't easy but you will get results from it. Either commitment to rebuilding the marriage or not. Time will tell.

Look at it this way, see it as a test for her love for you, if she lives you enough she will find her way back. Would you want to settle for anything less?

Once you lose respect, this is not good, stand up for yourself. Do it gently calmly in total control, he'll practise in the mirror. Just crack on.

She would be with OM now if she wanted him that badly she is not your prisoner.

Good luck and your still way if plan b.

Thanks again. I have to leave now but will post again in the morning...

Want it

Haven't heard from you awhile - just checking into see how things are going?

Be good to know.

Hitch

Hi Hitch...sorry for the lack of an update. We went to Morocco last week and just arrived back on Tuesday night. Things went alright and our son enjoyed it for sure. As for her and I, well we did ok but it felt like for much of the trip she was there by herself and still didn't interact with me much, which was quite disappointing. She seemed like she was in a sour mood much of the time (yes, there were some good moments). When we got back here and we were talking at dinner she mentioned that she just isn't happy with anything (not directed at me our 'us') and used to be a happy person, etc, so she doesn't know what's wrong with her. She complains about everything non-stop.

I still think she's in withdrawal both from the A and from me. Yesterday and today she's acting very nice to me, but it always seems forced and insincere. I'm still doing most of the Plan A things I should be, except it's starting to wear on me with little reward. There are still a lot of tense moments and triggers.

oh, and I saw she at called OM the day we were leaving... still not confronting her on those issues yet.

*edit**

want, she should be confronted every time this happens lest she get the feeling that you don't care. All hell should break loose anytime they are in contact. Don't sweep this under the rug. The goal is to create as much conflict as possible in the affair.

As Yoda said to Luke, "That is why you fail."

My friend, it's time to quit burrying your head in the sand. Otherwise you're just showing you're her doormat. She can step on you and wipe her feet whenever she pleases.

No woman respects such a man. I say that as a man who was just like you.

Guess what. I ended up divorced and separated from my kids.

Hi Want it

Good to see you managed to enjoy part of your holiday.

All the guys here are right, you need to face upto what is going on. You don't want to continue along in a false recovery. By the sounds of it you have been doing lots of carrot, can you give any examples of stick?

Also, you might want to start preparing yourself for Plan B if she continues contact. The experts round here will be able to give you more advice. Steve Harley asked me, how is your wellbeing, are you OK continuing with Plan A? You might want to ask yourself that...

Keep strong and fighting for your M.

Harmony

Back in the office and thanks for your replies.

So, how do I go about confronting without giving up my source (the eblaster on the computer)? It would be impossible because she would know I'm spying on her and she would only go deeper. Mind you, her "contact" is very infrequent now, but still occurring.

With that, I already have Plan B planned out for January when we arrive in Dubai if contact continues. I just can't kick her out of the house here in Africa with no support structure built in.

I had a break down last night. She pretty much ignored me the whole day 'working' on her computer, which she was on some social activity/volunteering she does. She saw I was a bit bothered so I told her I felt like she was neglecting me. Later, she hugged me and I just busted out crying - which I didn't want to do but couldn't help it. We had a heart to heart this morning and she did more swearing up and down she loves me and promises to make it work, etc. However, she isn't on board with any recovery plan and just "working on it herself" and hardly meeting any of my EN's at all. I'm still very tentative but continue Plan A'ing...but like I said, it's wearing on me and pretty soon it won't be OK.

Stick - I don't have much evidence of my Stick, but I did all the basic things like telling her if she continues contact she'll be out and will have to do it on her own dime and our son stays with me, etc. She knows that still stands except she doesn't know I can see what she does on the PC, which goes back to I can't reveal that source but I'm just collecting evidence until January. So, I can maintain this Plan A until then.

Just remember to communicate lots, if you do get to Plan B, you want to ensure that you have said and done everything you wanted to!

That also includes doing to the best Plan A you can do!!

Keep up the good work want it, your doing very very well.

I know, lack of updates.

So, she's been decent lately....

...and then, with that, I find yesterday in her browser history (and I wasn't even snooping) a blatant view of OM's facebook page - she didn't even use Private Browsing this time. I show her and we don't talk for about an hour - she's seeming upset that I'm still 'snooping' on her.

We talk and I tell her it hurts my feelings when she does that.

Few things she says:
"I'm curious to how he's doing and feel guilty for hurting him and just want to make sure he's ok"
"He doesn't know I looked at his page, we aren't Facebook Friends"
"I can't just shut off how I feel inside"
"You have nothing to worry about and I would never run off with him"
"I love you and our family and would never do anything to jeopardize it."
"I don't mean to hurt your feelings."
"I need to fix myself first before I can work on fixing us...I'm broken because you broke me so many times"
"You don't understand how I feel at all"

Lots of how I did this to her in the past but now when roles are reversed I say it's not OK.
Mentioned to her that I wish she would read some of the Harley books...which she dismissed.

Told me this morning she wants to talk to OM just to make sure one last time he's OK and she didn't ruin his life. Mind you, OM is single and 23 years old (she's 38) and she thinks she may have ruined his life because she caused him to fall in love with her and she broke his heart....so she doesn't want to have that on her conscience the rest of her life.............................
can you feel me rolling my eyes?

I'm still Plan A like crazy all day every day.


any input ?????????????????????????????????????????????/

Tell her you will not consider continued "recovery" if she continues to use FB at all, period.

Each contact (and yes, viewing someone's FB page is considered contact) resets the NC clock. As long as you allow it she will continue through this cycle.

My suggestion--block FB on your computer. Some of the more technically minded people on MB will have to advise you on that, however, as I'm not sure where the menus are for it and such.

Thanks, Karma. I agree with you. Thing is, she isn't onboard with my/MB concept of 'recovery' yet and has yet to firmly agree to NC. Wants to do it on her own.... so, I'm still Plan A trying to convincer her otherwise until we can get out of here where we currently live.

She doesn't want me controlling her and I fear the 'selfish demand' of blocking FB (because that's what she'll currently see it as) will make her feel controlled.

Your marriage can survive her anger but not continued contact. If you continue to allow this contact, you are enabling the affair to continue, if only in her mind.

You are not controlling her. You are controlling YOU. You are setting a boundary.

It is NOT a selfish demand to ask her to block a medium she is so thoroughly utilizing to further her affair (again, that is only in her mind at the moment from what I've read).

She wants to do NC on her own? That is a selfish wayward thing to say and here is what it means:

I like that little button thing, and it rings true.

You're correct on all counts, karmarose.

We leave in 1 month and this is the first evidence I've seen of breaking NC in over a month, so I can put up with it and Plan A until we leave. Once we get to our next location, I'll be muuuch more willing to firmly place the boundries and extraordinary precautions.

It's our 7th anniversary in a week.

With this sort of FB use, I would suspect that she is not far off from getting another affair phone.

Think of it like this.

She is a (recovering?) alcoholic, who continues to sit with her friends who are drinking. She sits there and watches the beer and watches her friends drink the beer and wants beer. At first just looking at the beer is okay. Then she takes a drink. And a few more.

You can always block FB and claim to not know how it happened. After all, silly internet browser updates...sometimes they screw up what sites are allowed and what sites aren't...