And now he's not sure if he's coming home.

He is obviously conflicted. As waywards are I guess. I don't even know how to respond.

When I was in Plan A, I figured out that DS was an EN that I had been lacking in pre-A. I would make dinner and have it in the oven. No word said, it was where it was. At first, WH would come home and ask where it was, I told him. After that, it made me laff, he would just look in the oven everyday to find himself his dinner. Now, I KNEW that he was with OW that day, they work together, but I also had a time limit. If he would have come home late, his dinner would have been in the garbage. I was cooking for him because that is something that I as a wife would do for my husband. It is something that I would do again if he were to come back to the marriage.

Stay away from the ILY's right now. It will annoy him. He KNOWS that you love him.

Have you read Schoolbus's body language thread? You should make sure that you touch him everyday. Brush his cheek with your hand. Look into his eyes as often as possible. Become super flirty.

You will show your WH that you are willing to meet his ENs by actually doing things to meet them. You will not waiver on your actions due to his reactions. You just become the wife and woman you want to be. BUT you need to let him know that the affair is NOT okay. You will do it in a non-LB way. My fav was, "I can not accept a marriage where you have a girlfriend, would you like a cookie?" Said while I was looking in his eyes(well attempting, since he didn't want to look at me) and holding onto his arm slightly squeezing.

You CAN do this. You just need to realize that you are going to have a short time pf Plan A before you are in Plan B and you don't want to look back thinking that you could have done more. BTW, when is the end of your Plan A? When are you starting Plan B? It is supposed to be only for 3-4 weeks for women. Do you have your letter ready? Requirements for recovery figured out? IM in place that knows what to do? This is part of Plan A too.

DON'T RESPOND.

Don't let him think that you are there for his every whim. You just live for you because soon enough, you may be doing just that.

While you are waiting start getting ready for your plan B

He said he found an apartment and he's trying to decide if he wants it or not. He has till tomorrow to decide. Thing is the apartment is a month to month deal If it is the one I think it is.

I have read the body language thing. It's funny I was doing so many of those things already. And didn't realize it. Still am when he's home.

He so caught up on this whole this isn't who you are this isn't who you've been this isn't who you will be thing. It's so annoying.

I can only assume he's not coming home at this point.

Don't discuss any separate living arrangements with him. Let him know that you will only talk about MARRIAGE. You need to let him know about your feelings in a non-LBing way.

Sorry to press you on this, but have you made any preparations for Plan B? You will not be able to carry on like this indefinitely without committing some HUGE LBs. You don't want to look back at your Plan A and think, "What if?" You will most likely do that anyways so why not make this PLan A the best?

Scotty- I'm glad you're on this thread. I've always admired your story and think you are a plan A / plan B queen!

You're awesome! Want, listen to Scotty.

Thanks.

I am working on Plan B. I have started think about it atleast. But I was also trying to focus on Plan A. And trying to spend some time to myself everyday. Werei didn't have to think about work or him for just a little while.

He's so conflicted. He acted like he wasn't coming home then just now says agian I don't know what to do. Haha I guess he's like me.

He didn't come home last night. I've been making a journal of events and trying to include pictures. So I am going to get a picture of his car there on my way to work.

He does a lot of lying. Alot of not telling the truth too.

About plan B. I might need to start sooner than I wanted too. I was actually going to try and do it for a while. But anyway.

What is said about me moving out instead of him I really don't have much desire to be in this home without him. And I think it would be good for him to take care of the house on his own. He says he wants to keep the house. And I have no desire to have it. So thinking him keeping it might be a good thing.

I have been busy all day. I talked to him very briefly throughout the day. Like nothing was wrong. He sent me an email about something that affects our future. I don't understand. He is looking at getting an apartment!

Anyway I have no idea.

His car wasn't at he house this morning. But he may have hidden it elsewhere. So I have no idea where he was last night.

How are the Plan B plans coming?

What2, Just FYI, once you move to Plan B, you need to be prepared to STAY DARK until your WH meets the conditions of your Plan B letter. It will be hard at first but every poster I have read who has done a good Plan B says they feel better after they go thru the initial withdrawal period.

I will get you a good Plan B reading link so you can make sure you know what you are getting into. Hang in there.

Dear husband,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create a voice in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my husband. I so want to be able to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and the children.

The past five months have been a difficult passage of time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery in the beginning, only to slip and fail again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I don't know where you are, or when you'll be home. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect. But lately God has given me a strength that I never knew I possessed. I have grown and matured more as a Christian than I have in my entire lifetime. Whereas in the past I endured the hurt and pain, I now see that it is soon to drain my love for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you, except regarding the children, and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. Please feel free to call the kids at any time and set up visits. If you need to contact me, please do so through email or my pager voicemail.

I will be seeking counsel on how to best protect the kids financially, specifically child support and how to set that up.

I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. With God's help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

God be with you, my love.

Your loving wife,
KK


This one really hit home. Thanks for the link. Very helpful. I think I will use this letter as a base for my letter. I already have lots of ideas written down for me to use too. I wil post my draft when I finish. Probably won't be until this afternoon.

He actually came home last night. He is miserable. He didn't get the apartment as far as I can tell. I've been in contact with an employee at his work and she says he's been miserable there. This is taking it's toll on him. I just wish he would realize I don't want to be miserable anymore. I want to be happy.

Any thoughts on me moving out for plan B? I don't know if that's normally done or not.

You don't move out.

You stay in the family home.

You ask HIM to move out. If he wants to live the single lifestyle he doesn't get to do it from the family home.

What are your finances like? Can you support yourself financially? Can you separate your finances so none of your money goes to him?

I can't pay for our house on my own but could easily get my own place on my own. He would have a hard time paying for our house on his own but he could. The apt he was looking at was a furnished month to month it was on the high side but there was no lease. I would almost rather him stay at the house in some ways but I don't want to leave obviously. But I just feel that if he's at the house by himself he may start to miss me. When his laundry piles up and he has to do it himself and the dishes never get done. And he has to feed the dog and make sure he takes care of it. If he moves to an apt he will basically live out of a bag and it woould seem less like he was missing me and more like a long work trip or something.

DO not contact threw emails or anything else STAY DARK that means...

No emails
No texts
No msgs on FB
No calls
No pix
Not wondering what your husband is doing

NOTHING!

Find someone you know that can be an IM that way if he needs to contact you regarding the kids he needs to call that person then have that person call you. OK??

STAY DARK

What2, it is HIGHLY recommended that the BS stay in the home.

One of the problems is that he may bring OW into the home and then if you were to reconcile, it may be too difficult for you to ever return there.

Secondly, it should be a natural consequence of his straying.

I think many WHs don't resist continuing to chip in $$ when the BS moves to plan B, but you may want to talk to a lawyer to see what your rights are in a separation.

Some serious Plan A in the works this weekend. OW is not in town. Cooked an awesome dinner last night and breakfast this morning. I will go into more detail later. I guess he's going to stay here since his getaway is gone. He doesn't want to spend the weekend alone.