Hi Melody,
I can tell you listened to the program last night I emailed them with more questions.
Yes, I think here is was talking about the difference between a renter and a freeloader. He said the renter will bargain to a minimum, while you can always recognize a freeloader because he will always blame you for all the problems. SO I think here what dr. H was saying is that if my H were to come back he will make sure I know that all the problems with the M were because of me. Of course I should not take him back.

At this point is not even an issue whether I will take the WH back or not, because i realized that it is really who he is in his essence that is flawed.
Dr. H will never say something like: your WH will never change or your WH will never come back...but he puts it in a way that you sort of get the feeling that chances are so small you might as well resign to the fact the the M is pretty much over.

Now for me is deciding what to do next.

I have been applying for summer jobs in the States as I plan to spend at least 2 months over there working. I will then get a feel for things and apply for a full time job taking a sabbatical year from my current job.
If all goes well I will then permanently move. So in a year from now I could easily be in the States or at the most in 2 years.
As far as D goes. I am not going to file. It is costly as I have to D in 2 different countries. In the States is fairly "cheap" but here the rule is strict: the person who asks pays all the expences and it is assumed that if he/she asks for a D she must want out and is somehow at fault (unless phisical abuse is proven). I do not even want to go there with the legal system we have in this country....
SO I will leave it to my WH to file. After all he is the one who wants out. I will not sign the D papers unless he puts on them that he is leaving because of anothe woman. Because that is the truth.
As far as dating others. I have no interest at all. However I have decided to do plan B till Oct 15 2011. After that if I feel like it I will date. I can live without a man and without sex for a long while.
blessing

Yes, this is a good point. And I think that many times, after the separation and after the honey moon of the A is over the WS clings to the OP just because they are the only ones that will put up with their behavior and will keep them company..because, let's face it, they must feel pretty lonely.
Blessing

Does someone have the link for this show? I'd like to listen to it...

it aired yesterday and the re-broadcast has been taken down now. I am not sure if you can access it thru the archives-
Here is the link
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/

blessing

Voila!

http://richwith.com/mb/radio/
http://richwith.com/mb/radio/oldershows/

Thanks!!

Joyce emailed asking me if I want to be live on the show so I will be on it tonight first thing when it starts
I am going to ask what Dr. H suggest I do given the situation with my WH and how he foresees situations like mine in terms of R of M.
I will also give him more details about my story.
The only thing I am nervous about is if any of my WH relatives will be listening to the show and will recognize me....I will make sure I convey the devastation an A brings to a family so if they are listening they can finally undestand the magnitude of what their relative (my WH) did.
blessing

yippee!! I can't wait to hear you!

I can't wait either!

Atena, do you think you'll be nervous? If you do, you may want to have a few notes written down in front of you before you call in. That's what I did and it helped as I had such bad stage fright that I completely forgot everything I wanted to say...

Great advice SusieQ...Thats a great idea...I do that even when I go to the doctors cuz it never fails that I forget to ask something....Unfortunately I usu still forget to ask once I get into her answering the first question...and Usu I only have two questions...I swear since the A thing happened I have lost some vital brain cells.

I did it!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for your advice! I did have notes and it helps!

Dr. Harley and Joyce are wonderful and they make you feel so at ease!
Their were truly helpful.
The show is re-broadcast for the next 23 hours.
blessing

I can't wait to hear it!

Atena, you are a star...

I want to listen to it and hope I can listen to the re-broadcast.

What kind of advice did he give you?

Blessings.

Atena tattled on us to Dr Harley!! She said the forum members were giving her hell about working at the same place with her H!

I want it to be honest and tell them all the truth about my plan B, I was going to bring up living in the marital home but there was no time left.
I love to tell on you guys!!!!

uh oh, I am in trouble now! lol

He basically said I will be better off without him because in Dr. H's opinion my WH, being a serial cheater (he did not use this term) will not come back repentant (if he even does come back) But, if he does, he will not be repentant, he will blame me for his affair. He will also not agree to take extraordinary precautions.
Dr. H said that WH that are on their second A will have a hard time not having other A's. They will not be able to commit to one woman, their W, for the rest of their life. So he said he does not see my M in good shape at all for this reason.
He did not say that WH will not come back, he said he might but not repetant and that , in that case, I should not take him back.
He added that in his experience BW do much better than WH in the long run. Dr H said he believe my WH is headed towards a downward spiral.
He talked to me before the show started and said that my WH has lost all his morals and he is so fogged up because of the A that chances that he will come back to his senses are low. He in fact added that he does not want to encourage me to look forward to my WH returning.
In fact, he said, these type of man rarely come back to their senses and end up dying early or doing very poorly because they do not take care of themselves.
He also said that since WH admitted about being suicidal before his first A and claimed that A helped him with those feelings, Dr. H believes that WH will experience those suicidal feelings again in the future.
Basically WH is not improving his life by the choices he made and I am better off without him.
blessing

The rebroadcast won't open for me for some reason... Anyone else having that problem?

ETA:

Ok, it launched the media player on another computer and I got to listen. Wow, they spent so much time with you, atena! It was a great segment and you guys hit on some important points re exposure, moving to Plan B, etc. Thanks for sharing!!

I just want to quickly run this by you all.
I was on the balcony yesterday afternoon talking to a gossipy collegue from work who retired last year. She wanted to know about me and WH so I told her, very matter of fact, that I did not wish to talk about him.
However she started giving ME details about what she heard and she heard that one of the new teachers here at school is interested in WH and has started asking about his marital status. She also added that she knew all along about my WH affair with a co worker a few years ago but that no one had the courage to tell me.
At that point I said to her that my WH has been unfaithful to me many times probably throught the whole M and that he is a very skilled liar. I also added that he has plenty of women interested in him. This interest combined with his wayward attitude really makes it into a pretty predictable lifestyle of cheating.
I then concluded by saying that what he does is fortunately no longer my business and shoud be the concern of whomever he is currently dating.
I changed the subject then asking her about her grandchildren.
THEN I gazed down and saw that OW was also on the balcony and hanging her clothes and must have been listening to the whole conversation!!!!!!!!
I am sure she is already super jelous and suspicious of WH and now after what she heard me say on the phone I am sure she is going to report it to WH and he will problably hate me even more! I am sure he has not told her about him cheating on me in the past nor about OW at work being interested in him!
Should I worry?
Blessing

bump