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mason Offline OP
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My husband has been having an affair with a co-worker, I should say his subordinate. She is recently divorced, no kids. He travels alot for work so the affair was easily concealed and happened primarily at work meetings and functions. We have two boys 5 and 18 mos. Since I have found out about the affair, he went form saying he does not want a divorce, to I miss her (ow) to I want to try, to I want to see if I can date her outside the office (that one felt really good)
I did plan A when he said he did not want the divorce thru his ambivalence until he told me he wanted to separate so he could figure things out. I told him to leave the house immediatlly.
Since then he has been flip flopping. The dating outside the office just happened last week, he was suppose to see her in OH, but I told him if he went we were done.
He did not go..he told his boss, he has already told most of his family and friends. The OW is suppose to be resigning, I will believe it when it happens.
I anonymously sent an e-mail to HR, and his counterpart at work. I have a list of names from form linked in that work there that can expose as well. I am doing this anonomously because I really do not want them to find out is me, things are hard enough for me and the boys at home.
His boss is disapointed with him but will not fire him, my H told him it was over and the OW was resigning. He has a meeting in OH next week and I would like him to feel uncomfortable, right now he feels relief, like he dodged a bullet with work. His ambivalence is killing me. I am nervouse one the OW leave they will really start dating outside the office, although he live in NJ and she lives in OH.

Need help deciding if I should further expose. I do not think HR will do anything, I sent the email a few days ago and I have heard nothing. I also need to stay annymous, further expsosure people could suspect me. I sound crazy!


Me BW 43 / WH 44
2 DS 7 and 4
D day 8-2010
Asked him to leave 9-10
Exposed 11-10
FR 1-2011
Back with OW / In Plan B 2-11
False Recovery Back in Plan B 7-12
Divorced
Better Life in Progress!
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The problem with trying to remain anonymous is that most people won't take something like this as seriously as they would if there was a name on the note. They might even ignore your exposure to them. Who do they have to respond to or answer to? Heck most people who haven't had to deal with infidelity don't even much care if someone is having a fling at work.

You'll need to get more serious and more of "a problem" for them to get them to act, IMO. Let them know that your WH has been having an A with a co worker and using company resources(time, phone, whatever). I think for them to take this situation seriously you'll have to come out and stand up for yourself.

How long have you been in a plan A? Sounds like you need to do a couple of weeks of a stellar plan A and then into a dark plan B. This can't continue as it is. Doing a wishy washy plan A will just enable the A.

Glad you made it to the site. Welcome.



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DDay PA 6/05
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Unless you're an expert in computers, your 'anonymous' emails can be tracked to you. The email itself contains headers that specify your IP address which will likely point straight at the computer you used to send the email.

Fortunately, you don't have to worry about anonymity. To save this marriage, you need to fight for it proudly, vocally, and out in the open. Sending anonymous notes isn't going to solve anything--it'll just push it farther underground.

Further exposure is necessary to end this affair. You need to tell everyone who has in influence in your H's life. Not through anonymous notes, but proudly signed with your name and phone number. The vets will be along soon to guide you through this process. Be strong. Lean on them if you need.

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mason Offline OP
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I did plan A for a month, the week we were on vacation I tried so hard but by the end of the trip he was already feeling conflicted. I understand about not being anonymous, but my husband is about to go on antidepressents, finally! we are in therapy separately but same therapist and he has already exposed himself to his boss. Right now the only thing we are talking about are the kids. Like everyone whi is posting, I am not sleeping, suffering for anxiety and have extreme jealous rage against the OW.


Me BW 43 / WH 44
2 DS 7 and 4
D day 8-2010
Asked him to leave 9-10
Exposed 11-10
FR 1-2011
Back with OW / In Plan B 2-11
False Recovery Back in Plan B 7-12
Divorced
Better Life in Progress!
Joined: Jan 2010
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... he has already exposed himself to his boss.

Hehehe.... You said he "exposed himself", hehe!

Just kidding to lighten things up. Everyone is right, the exposure needs to be done out in the open so you can show your husband and everyone else that you are going to FIGHT for your marriage.

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Originally Posted by mason
Need help deciding if I should further expose. I do not think HR will do anything, I sent the email a few days ago and I have heard nothing. I also need to stay annymous, further expsosure people could suspect me. I sound crazy!

mason, this is a very ineffective exposure. Anonymous exposures are meaningless because they can be easily dismissed as gossip. I doubt your "exposure" impressed anyone. I know I would dismiss it myself.

If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to do this in a way where your exposure has credibility. I would do it this way:

1. send a certified letter to the Director of Human Resources and cc a key VP and your H's supervisor advising them of the affair.

2. make up a list of close family and friends and call them up and expose the affair. Call his parents, close sibs, your parents, family and pastor. Tell them all about the affair and ask them to use their influence to persuade your H to end his affair

3. expose to all children over the age of 4. Tell them about their dad's filthy affair, how it impacts you and why adultery is immoral. if you dont' tell them this, you can be assured your H will blame the problems on you

4. Find the skankho's facebook page and copy and paste all her contacts into a WORD doc. Cherry pick her parents, family members and ALL married friends. Send them all a letter telling them about the OW's affair with your H and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to leave your H alone.

SIGN IT WITH YOUR FULL NAME, ADDRESS AND PHONE # and tell them to contact you for evidence. Ask that her PARENTS call you personally

THAT is how you do exposure, Mason. You have no reason to hide behind anonymity. You must tell people who you are so you can TAKE FULL CREDIT FOR YOUR EXPOSURE. You are not the one that has something to hide.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Are you positive that he told his boss? WSs lie...they will swear on their children's lives, stare you straight in the eyes...then LIE. Verify this if you haven't done so.


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DDay PA 6/05
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Originally Posted by MicheleG
Are you positive that he told his boss? WSs lie...they will swear on their children's lives, stare you straight in the eyes...then LIE. Verify this if you haven't done so.

If he did tell him, he told him a spun story and it sounds like the boss is handling it under the table. That is why she needs to send a certified letter to HR director and cc the boss. That way, no one gives into the temptation to deep six her letter. I assure you that many bosses are tempted to hide stuff like this and handle it off line. If the letter goes out to everyone, then no one can hide it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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mason Offline OP
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Thank you, yes he did tell his boss and it looks like he dodged a bullet and no action will be taken. All of his family and friends know already, he told everyone. I think he was either trying to relieve guilt or looking for some type of acceptence.
I understand about the anonymous part. I am passive and want the word out but do not want to look like the crazy wife.

I have a list of coworkers etc.. and I am prepared to move further with the exposure. I want hos job to feel like a pressure cooker.


Me BW 43 / WH 44
2 DS 7 and 4
D day 8-2010
Asked him to leave 9-10
Exposed 11-10
FR 1-2011
Back with OW / In Plan B 2-11
False Recovery Back in Plan B 7-12
Divorced
Better Life in Progress!
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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As long as your exposure is done in a loving way, you will not look like the crazy wife. If your WH or OW find out that you are going to expose, they will paint you as the crazy wife. Did YOU talk to any of his family to tell them? When he told them, what did they say to him?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by mason
All of his family and friends know already, he told everyone.

He told them WHAT exactly? And how do you know he told them? Have you spoken to them personally?

Quote
I understand about the anonymous part. I am passive and want the word out but do not want to look like the crazy wife.

Its ok to be passive but not if you want to save your marriage. Very few people will think you are crazy, and if they do, so what? Is your goal to save your marriage or is to garner approval from everyone?


Quote
I have a list of coworkers etc.. and I am prepared to move further with the exposure. I want hos job to feel like a pressure cooker.

I would go higher and expose this to Human Resources where it will count. It is ok to expose to coworkers, but they will just gossip.

Start with his family, the OW's family and Human Resources.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What Mel said, Mason. Do not assume that your H was forthcoming to his employer with his actions. Verify. They may likely give you some sloppy, self-serving crap about how they can't disclose employee information, yadda yadda. It doesn't matter what their response is - the important thing is for you to confirm that the correct information is in their hands. Talk to family and employers yourself.

Mason, you are in a battle. It's a battle for your marriage and the life you know right now. This is not a time for wimpy action. You need to enter into this with grit and determination. Go save your marriage.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Try to fogbabble back to your WH. Waywards are selfish and want their ego stroked always.

Tell him that him ending this is saving HIM and his job. HIS money, etc. They understand that stuff.

Meanwhile expose skankyho. Do it.

Tell wh that unless he has no contact with skankyho, HIS job could be on the line and she could sue for sexual harassment. Again, appeal to the wayward side of him to get him to side with you until the affair is 100 percent dead.

Meanwhile plan A and B. And whack him with the carrot and stick of it too.

You can even call btw, an airline to confirm if somebody is on the flight if you're worried skanky is on the same business flights as wh is. Everytime I called, Delta gave me all the info I needed to know smile


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Oh...yea, I pretended to be her (the skankyho in my case)sister. I pretended to the airline there was a devastating family emergency and I had to reach her upon their flight landing.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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mason Offline OP
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I did speak with his mom and his sisters, everyone is extremely dissappointed and sad and are hoping we can work it out.
Not sure, he is at a work meeting with her this week and I think next week as well. I am sure he told his boss and he told his boss it was over. ( he told friend of his this- not me) Not sure I believe that.
It is just so hard to try to make sense out of all of this.
Having a bad crying day today.


Me BW 43 / WH 44
2 DS 7 and 4
D day 8-2010
Asked him to leave 9-10
Exposed 11-10
FR 1-2011
Back with OW / In Plan B 2-11
False Recovery Back in Plan B 7-12
Divorced
Better Life in Progress!
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
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(((mason))))

Quote
It is just so hard to try to make sense out of all of this.

It comes down to his not protecting his boundaries. He allowed someone else to meet a top EN of his and he liked it, it felt good, so he allowed it to continue until he started to "feel" something for her. It's endorphins. She could have been anyone.

Work the plan A. Have you read the carrot and the stick of plan A?

Quote
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.






BW(me)
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DDay PA 6/05
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If you don't want a D, don't talk D. Tell him so.

Show him that you are willing to negotiate new "terms" for your M, but you will never allow a third party in it.

Don't argue or even try to engage in any type of critical discussions. He will actually go out of his way to start fights. It's his way of convincing himself that what he doing is because of YOU. It's his justification for his bad behavior. Don't fall into the trap. It's what he wants you to do...DON'T.

Be pleasant but firm.

I think you need a to get your ducks in a row for plan B. Do you understand plan B and why just planning Aing a WS doesn't usually end the A? Please read up on it. Your WH is deeply entrenched and you're going to need to work these plans to have a chance at R.


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DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 355
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mason Offline OP
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He is no longer living in the house, Can Is till do plan A. The only thing we are talking about right now are the kids. I do not want a divorce, he is still ambivalent. I have told him that I want to work on things but I can not do it with three people in the marriage. I told him she needs to be completely gone. That has not happened yet because they are still working togther. She is supposedly his giving her notice (I doubt that)

The therapist says he is clinically depressed and was probably depressed before the affair even started. ( i do not think that is an excuse) she told me to sit backk and try not to win him back at this point because that is what OW is trying to do.

I am so angry, sad, confused and like everyone else hates this more than anything.


Me BW 43 / WH 44
2 DS 7 and 4
D day 8-2010
Asked him to leave 9-10
Exposed 11-10
FR 1-2011
Back with OW / In Plan B 2-11
False Recovery Back in Plan B 7-12
Divorced
Better Life in Progress!
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Quote
I have told him that I want to work on things but I can not do it with three people in the marriage. I told him she needs to be completely gone. That has not happened yet because they are still working togther. She is supposedly his giving her notice (I doubt that)

The therapist says he is clinically depressed and was probably depressed before the affair even started. ( i do not think that is an excuse) she told me to sit backk and try not to win him back at this point because that is what OW is trying to do.

Okay, you've made your position clear with him. Good. But you still need to create disruption in the affair by informing his employer. Have you read the letter on this site for informing employers? Based on their work relationship, his employer could be subject to a sexual harassment lawsuit caused by this A. Employers don't like to hear the word "lawsuit," believe me. Why have you not done this yet?

You're right - depression does not excuse the terrible actions of having an A. When one person in a marriage is depressed, the couple works on it together. They don't run out and add more depression and grief by having an affair.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Yes you can do your Plan A when your WH is living outside of the home, others have done it.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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