Do your children know all about the affair?

My suggestion would be to expose this affair everywhere and continually raise holy hell until you run off the OM. You need to run him off. At the same time, contact an attorney, file for divorce and let your wife know the marriage is over unless she ends her affair.

You must DEMAND that she end her affair. Polite requests are not going to cut it.

Schooner, you do not expose and then run and hide! Stay in your home! Sure, your WW will explode. YOU don't have to. Stay calm. Let her know that you will NEVER enable her affair by letting her sneak around undetected. How DARE she insist that you do so! Let her get mad!

Do not leave your home and give her the weekend to do damage control.

Schooner

You need to read up how affairs work.

Wayward spouses are in love with the FANTASY of the affair. If your WW left you for OM ( in the tiny likelihood that he would want to be with her outside of an affair) they would soon have to find money for bills, clean the toilets, disagree over stuff, discover the vile habits that each has but which they have not disclosed to each other in the affair.... all that.

Cosmo magazine LIES, Schooner. Your wife hasn't found somebody BETTER than you, her affair elevates OM to an impossible level of perfection.

It almost never happens that the affairees stay together for long after divorce. The 5% that DO marry each other last less than 5 years on average.

Do not concede defeat in your heart. Affairs are mutual self delusion. Even if you two CANNOT build a fantastic marriage in the future your WW should certainly not be with this scumbag OM.

You have been given some great advice here. The only thing I would disagree with is that I do not believe you have effected a plan A with your WW, so she has not experienced the man you CAN be. That means I would consider an immediate plan B to be somewhat premature but I am happy to be disabused of this view.

Plan B must come very soon in any case, along with immediate nuclear exposure.

all blessings

Schooner, you should not leave. You should stay there and let her know her affair is done. You should not leave. You are a big boy, you can handle her barrage.

I am preparing for the massive exposure - it looks like it will be about 400 people on FB alone. Most of those will have no inclination what it's about. In addition all personal friends and relatives. Just one question before I start (it looks like Saturday earliest because this will take hours), his face will be caked with mud, any instances of somebody having revenged? Not that I'm personally afraid, there will be some very disillusioned people (that I do not personally know).

maybe you can narrow it down to the significant people, I think 400 is an exaggeration, really.
You should expose to your family, his family, OP spouse, kids, close friends (who will support you) workplace.
Unless you have a large family...I do not see how you got to 400
blessing

Schooner,

Me and my wife are living very close to you (not Finland, though) and I can assure you that MB works here perfectly as well. You just have to follow it! Do not modify it to your "not so ideal circumstances" just listen people here.

You haven't answered a very important question - is there OMW?

Schooner, go through and pick out family members and MARRIED people. Leave the kids and single people out of it. When you do it, space the emails a minute apart so fb does not shut you down for flooding.

Here are some sample letters:

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Schooner, is this guy married?

Be sure and put your name and contact info in the message so they can contact you. I bet you get contacted by other girlfriends at the least.

Schooner, I agree with your plan. Expose and cut her off financially. There is no sense in being her doormat. She wants you for security and him for a piece when the OM feels like it. Time for her to have a reality check. At least you show your children that when they marry someday (if they do), they will know that there are boundaries. Something your wife apparently won't be able to teach them.

I now fully understand the importance of no contact. The intention of the exposure is to make the continuation of the affair as unpleasant as possible as well as to bring pressure on my WW from her friends and relatives to stop bringing our marriage to a condition of divorce.

To answer a previous question - the OM is not married, is 27 years old, and is dedicated to having a good time, including enjoying the attention of WW's infatuation. He had a previous girlfriend whom he still is friends with. He has a twin brother and parents.

Due to the fact that it is not possible to do a plan B, ie one in which she leaves the home, I am seriously considering filing for divorce as soon as I have exposed. This would be seen as an ultimatum that she choose whom she wishes to be with (ultimatums do not seem right). If, after the 6 month grace period, she has made her choice, the divorce papers can be retracted.

Her situation is typical in that she is cake eating. In her mind she wants to continue with me for a while, see her OM occasionally AND should the OM change his mind about being serious about her, then she will leave me! She had the audicity to point this out to me. At the same time she is fully aware that financially she cannot be on her own, if we seperate, she will need to find another supporter.

Our finances are seperate and nothing could be easier than divorcing - we have no need to consult lawyers on this.

What are your opinions on me filing for divorce?

Will filing for D get her out of the house? You're not going to file and then continue to live together, correct? Please get a lawyer. Filing and continuing to live together is the same as Plan C.

\

I think its very necessary in your case. You really need to be in Plan B. And you are right, you can file divorce, separate, and then drag things out in the hopes that it takes longer to divorce than it does for the affair to die.

What about the idea of planting a "for sale" sign in the yard. Might just be another dose of reality to try before the reality of a divorce filing.

WW's have a tendency to think you are bluffing. They sometimes treat and view their BH's as their pets.

If you file...she won't believe you intend to follow through with it...add it the "for sale" sign and things become more believable.

Plus...she'll have to deal with the guilt after the children react to the "for sale" sign. They won't be happy with HER that they have to move and the reality is, as you stated, the house will eventually have to be sold anyway.

You don't actually have to REALLY try to sell it. Just set the price a bit high and see what happens.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- shut off the internet too or block FB at the router. Make "home" a fb free space.

The show is on the road. This morning I drafted a divorce notice which I dated for tomorrow and we both signed it (with a little coercion from me). I gave her an ultimatum - she sends a written letter of no contact to the OM by tonight, or I will submit the notice tomorrow. Her initial response was of being deadset against the letter and that divorce is welcome. An hour later she sent me a text message saying that she did not want a divorce and started to bargain - no letter but she will not go out for a month! She now is beginning to realise that the decision is entirely hers. I will not bargain. She is to commit fully to a marriage with me only or she leaves the marriage and sets up elsewhere. At this point I welcome a clear decision, it may go either way, but I don't have any more time to waste on something which does not bring me any satisfaction.

Way to go, Schooner!

Schooner, you need to start thinking about your personal boundaries now. If your WW does not divorce you will need to make very clear what behaviours you require in order for you to remain trying to rebuild your lives together.

For example mine were:

1) Utter OH & transparency in all areas of life
2) Verifiable NC for life
3) work on improving our M

Your wife should also have a boundary that ANY sign of violence from you and she will leave immediately never to return.

mieti sit� yst�v�

When are you exposing the A?

I will expose tomorrow night (Friday). Looking into it, it will not be a long list after all. This time I will include all her relatives - last time it was only her sister. On the OM's side all I can find is his brother, ex-GF and I'll try to find his parents. On the subject of a NC which I insist she write to the OM, are there any good examples in these pages. I want to make sure that all the angles are covered.

Hi everyone, tonights been a busy night. The WW and DD are at the movies and I have been exposing like crazy on FB - it started slowling down and I need to constantly prove I was a real poster. Now friends and relatives of both WW and OM have been informed. I need to tomorrow find 3 phone numbers of WW uncles.

I also filed for divorce this morning and written confirmation is expected by Monday. I have not informed WW yet. I have also arranged to try get some compassionate leave from work and will be moving out next week - before I do thant, I'll see what the outcome of the exposing is, maybe I can force her out!

The only thing missing from a perfect day is a little "knock, knock, knocking" on OM (door). That would release some of this pent up anger and frustration.

Is there a good draft of a plan B, one which could be adapted to me moving out.

Thanks once again for all the support, this really feels good, no matter what the outcome.