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KC,
thanks for the advice. I knew when I said it about her counselor that I was being mean and probably a LB. I also knew that when I walked out and said what I did, that it was a little too much and hurtful, but after putting up with it so long, and examining our marriage these last few months, I realize exactly what I put up with and what it did to me/us that it kind of all came out(she actually wore her wedding dress to go trick or treating as the bride of Frankenstein with the boys when they were little ; I said how I didn't like it and she ridiculed me for not being comfortable with it). I did keep it short and didn't go too long. I do know that it hurt her, because it stopped her dead in her tracks and she became quiet and apologized. I wanted to tell her, but not like that and not in anger. Counseling is on the 5th; so I will be anxious for the next 10 days. I'll be on if anything progresses in the meantime.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
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You know, it is so hard not to DJ when you're going through the end of a painful marriage or a divorce, I think all of us have done it...my remark was just meant as a reminder if you want to save your marriage (if possible) to keep that goal in mind. You are bound to have a lot of pent up stuff over the hurts from all the years...a counselor could help you with releasing it...these are the things we all end up having to work on. Fun! Squeezed in there right between Seinfeld and CSI or homework and dishes. smile By and large, you've been doing terrific!


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Okay maybe I should have gone off on her years ago. Tonight was my son's football game. I went to work out and then was going to the game. My wife called and asked if I was coming to it. I told her yes. When I showed up, I stayed away from her to not infringe on her territory. She called and told me to come sit with her and our neighbors. She talked to me very socially during the game; and we walked out to the parking lot together and continued to talk. This is more movement from her than I have seen in years.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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This morning I am walking back to my house from my neighbors and she is driving by to go to our other neighbors and honks and waves. I go over and we socialize for about 10 minutes. It was all very pleasant and she was very friendly.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
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awokenhubby,
How are you doing? Haven't seen you on here for a while...catch us up!


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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KC,
Sorry for no update. We have continued to talk since last post. Nothing serious, just how is your day and talking social personal stuff. She has called me to talk about the boys but then we talk for most of the time very friendly. So far I have avoided relationship talk. Tomorrow we go to the counselor, a JC session as per her request after I told her off. I will update as to developments after I get back from the session. I had a car accident about 2.5 weeks ago and she even offered to let me use her car while mine was being repaired. I turned it down of course, but the fact that she offered. I am curious as to what will happen tomorrow; I am hoping, but not expecting.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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So counseling was interesting. It started out with him (the counselor) asking what we wanted out of this session. we both replied to be able to communicate and get along. Then we started talking about the argument at her apartment and her bashing me. I then brought up the issue of her bashing me for years is what put me in the depression. She got defensive and tried to attack. The counselor then got us calmed back down and talked about how to communicate and leaving the issues in the past in past to effectively be able to co-parent. We ended up being able to have a good talk about our boys and their problems and how to work together and communicate in a positive way. He explained that my depression was not caused by her treatment of me, but of my poor coping mechanisms of dealing with her treatment of me. I know that sounds like some psychobabble, but it makes some sense. He also talked to her about her perceived attacks on her by me and her inability to talk to me about them. Overall I thought it was productive. At some point in the session, I felt like a burden lift off of me. I'm not sure if it was the anger for how she treated me, or the resentment for her leaving and blaming it on me, but it felt good. At the end of the session, I made an IC appointment for me, and Karin asked for another joint session. Whether it is for the co-parenting reason, or for us and a relationship possibility I don't know. I can be optimistic but make sure I have no expectations. I will continue to work on me and take care of the boys while continuing with the separation agreement. I will also continue to try and communicate with her and reconnect with her. Maybe it is time to ask her for a date again and see what she says. Do I tell her about my feeling of the weight being lifted or is that just emasculating?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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A quick update on my progress. I no longer have anxiety attacks or bouts of depression. I am doing a good job of taking care of the house, boys and bills. The house may not be as clean as she kept it, but we are three guys! There is not garbage and filth, but the baseboards don't get cleaned regularly. There is never piles of laundry. The yard is neat and the house is functioning well. I have lost a total of 70 pounds and I am turning heads and getting compliments from everyone on my body, including fellow teachers and students. It feels weird, but good. I have now biked over 1600 miles since the middle of June. Family and friends have said they haven't seen me this happy and relaxed in years. It makes me more committed to making sure she has gotten help and we know how to work through problems before we give reconciliation a try. She still has not talked about it, but I am not ready for it. She will really need to convince me of her changes and being able to treat me right before and work through problems constructively before I want her back. If that doesn't happen, then I content in knowing where I am now and that I can have a happy, great life with another partner. I still would like my marriage back, but not the way she and it were. I am still in plan A, because the separation agreement is not finalized and because I am seeing progress in communication between us. If it continues, I will continue Plan A. If it plateaus then it is time for Plan B. I have not lost my love for her, or desire to reconcile so staying in Plan A is okay right now.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
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Awoken,
That sounds like a good progress report, glad to hear of it! It is good to be optimistic but not have expectation, and there is a difference. Expectation comes with an agenda while optimism is an attitude.
Good luck with the IC...and I wouldn't think it would hurt to tell her how the counseling session impacted you. It might open up discussion with her. So long as there's no relationship talk, no attacks, and stick to the present, it should be okay.


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I called my wife this morning and asked her out for dinner. She has plans, but we talked very socially about our personal lives and days for over half an hour. I feel we are slowly reconnecting, but time will tell.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Well we continue to talk every day, and talk about our personal separate lives. She brought over her electric bill to have me look at and give her my opinion on. I don't know if we are reconnecting or she is cake eating. I asked her out for dinner this weekend, but she hasn't answered yet. Again, time will tell.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Well I made homemade soup this week and sent some over for her. She enjoyed it and thanked me. She then brought over some banana bread for the boys and I. We continue to be friendly and talk, but I still don't know if progress is being made.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Dec 2007
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Not sure where you want to be with WW, but progress seems to be being made.

I don't remember and 52 pages is too much for me to read to find out if your WW had an EA or if it went to a PA. So I will ask is there NC with the OM?

HAs WW agreed to not go to FL alone ever again? Too bad you can't get MIL to move away from the OM. Future family visits will suck.

Though I would find it hard to visit MIL that allowed her DD to use visiting her as an excuse to have an affair.

On the brightside this couselor seems to be helping the both of you to get your selves back on track. Just keep doing what your doing.

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Road,
Thanks. It was an EA. She waffles between admitting it and saying it was just harmless fun because of the distance and she knew nothing could happen from it. She doesn't realize/accept that any attachment to another man is harmful. As far as NC, that hasn't happened yet in an official form. I can check her cell phone records, it's still part of our plan. She has very little contact with him that way. As far as the NC letter and my demand of it, if we move forward toward a reconciliation it is a definite demand. That and she continues joint and individual counseling. The no going to Fla. alone is part of the NC, and that will be interesting to see how that goes over if and when the time comes. Right now I am just trying to reconnect and plan A her.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Aug 2005
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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
Thanks. It was an EA. She waffles between admitting it and saying it was just harmless fun because of the distance and she knew nothing could happen from it.

FWIW, WWs move out of the marital home mainly to make themselves more available. Are you sure that is the ONLY A your WW was involved in?



ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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MIM,
I could be wrong,but I am certain. We have talked about it a bit. She felt so stifled/beaten down, that she felt she had to get out or kill herself. I know that is not a sane person talking, but that was her feeling. Please know that I never intentionally said or did anything to make her feel that way, but because of the mental abuse by her mother and her severe self-esteem issues, she would take everything as a put down and then attack me intentionally, hence my depression. She is now going to IC, and not a religious one either. I have no idea what they are talking about or working on, but she seems to be much more stable. Hence my attitude of time will tell if we can reconcile. I do not want the marriage back if it will go back to the same. It has to be a lot better, or I'm better off with someone else.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
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It sounds like you're making progress...whether or not it's enough remains to be seen. It's slow but seems to be getting better than it was.


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Well we are still communicating about personal things. She is interested in my quest to get my 2,000 mi. on my bike. I sent her the picture of my odometer at 1,900 miles and she congratulated me and we talked about my new fitness. I haven't been able to tell her that I am doing this now because she isn't tearing me down for doing it; something she used to do whenever I started working out when we were together.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Oct 2009
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Small moves make for large changes. Keep it up as best you can without thought of her returning your affection.


Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
Two Years Later
Four Years Later
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Doormat,
Thank you for your encouragement. I have started to read your whole thread; it is quite a long one! It makes me look at my situation in a different light and see some things that I should be doing differently. Mine is different with her moved out, but the whole EA and her denying it as such is very similar. I am seeing some progress, but I am not sure when to change to Plan B while seeing progress. I know if I ever get the feeling that she is connecting with me only to be friends after the divorce, it is over and dark Plan B is in effect. But Right now I see more and more connecting. She is still talking about her future alone, but until she decides to try to recover she has to plan on her single future; like the same way I am protecting myself financially. I just wish that I could talk to her about our connecting and if she has any thoughts about reconciling. I know I'm not supposed to, but I am curious.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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