Yes, she has her own access to check the account that she pulls money from. She just assumes (yes probably FS) that the money will be there. Its fixed now I guess, did some juggling.

One thing I did tell her when she said "this is BS, I haven't done anything to deserve this mistrust," was that I don't feel like I should have a deadline, after which I have to trust her, nor should she feel like I do. She was very quiet when I finally talked to her, didn't say a lot, then after I said my piece, she was quiet for a bit, then relaxed and we made friends.

She is slowly getting better about ackowledging, admitting and apologizing when she is wrong which is weird to watch since its completely out of character for her. I am very proud of her for some of the things she has done.

Good to hear BT. Keep strong. You sound like you are doing great.

I think this was a very good lesson for her, to see that her past doesn't just go neatly away, and that the fallout can continue in many ways.

Sad what our decisons cost us. Today my DD left her bookbag in my car which I took to work. I would have run it to her immediately but my DH became suspicious doubting whether I was at work or not. I called him from a work phone but the number came up unavailable. Anyway, he drove all the way here, got the bag and then took it to her school, leaving her somewhat anxious until it got there.

I realize his mistrust is a direct result of my actions. I am sad because that small little event reminds both of us of what I did.

In my opinion, you do owe her an apology for not having money in the right account as that is now your job; HOWEVER, she needs to realize that it is now your job because of her actions. Just like someone who needs to take public transportation or rely on a friend if they lose their license....sucks if they are made late or whatever, but they got themselves in that position to begin with.

I think Maritial Bliss said it best. Your handling of the subpeona was wonderful BTW, that had to have contributed lots of love units. :-)

Thanks sunnydaze. She did get several apologize for my end of the money fiasco.

I really wish she would start a thread on here so she could connect with other people like you sunny, who have done this or that, but are making the effort to rebuild. Obviously there are a great many people who have been through this but I would bet that the majority of people aren't handling it with MB principles. Would be nice for her to have a similar support to what I have received here.

Even if not, she can keep her receipts and keep the account balanced. People did this with checking accounts for a long time before it was possible to check your balance every day online. The figures online are usually 2-3 days behind, anyway.

That's just good common sense responsibility.

It's not your fault that she isn't keeping the account balanced, BT. It might be your fault if you are making charges on the card and not telling her about it.

I agree with markos, FWIW.

This is just one more thing that is someone else's fault (YOU) and not her responsibility, in her eyes.

She takes your FS for granted.........

No I don't use that account anymore at all. I use "mine" or the credit card, which is also in my name only.

K, so new sort of problem...

There are 6 people involved so I will clarify them first.

Me
WW
OM
OMW
OMs BFF
OMWs BFF

These are the 6 people. OMsBFF and OMWsBFF are married. As a result of my WWs close contact with OM, she happens to know that OMsBFF has been cheating on OMWsBFF for somewhere around 10 years with the same "mistress."

So, my reaction is to tell OMW. Its what I would want a stranger to do if they knew my WW was up to something. I would rather know and deal with it than not know and exist in a lie I am unaware of. EVENTUALLY, I will find out, and it will be worse.

So, I tell WW that we should tell OMW. WW says she doesnt want to, thats its "none of our business."

So... I dont want to go and do it behind WWs back, I would rather POJA some sort of agreement.

Here are the issues I would love some opinions on:

1) Does anyone else believe that I/we SHOULD tell OMW or OMWsBFF (if we could get a hold of her) or is it truly "none of our business?"

2) What does my WWs statement ("none of our business") say about her? I havent awareded her Former status yet as I dont completely trust her. Is this evidence that I shouldnt, that she isnt out of the fog yet, or is this just a difference in opinion?

3) If you agree that OMWsBFF has a right to know, how can I explain this to WW? I dont like telling my WW the "answers." I prefer that she learns as much on her own and tells ME what she is learning, rather than hear her parrot what I say. If I hear her say it, then I can trust that it is more "real."

Any thoughts or help would be appreciated.

My impression is to let this thing lie.

Normally, I would be all in favor of letting a BS know of WS's affair.

But this all too closely tied with the OM. Your wife should be in no contact, which means she is (or should be) totally shut off and insulated from the OM's life.

By pushing her back into this situation, you may be pushing her right back to contact with the OM. Even if that doesn't happen, it brings her other life with OM and his friends right back to the forefront of her mind where old feelings will be remembered.

OM, OMW, OMBFF, OMWBFF should all be forgotten and not given another thought. What's worse is that you are pushing her to get back in the middle.

My advice is to apologize to your WS and let her know that she was right. She needs to have nothing to do with these people's lives anymore.

If these people were current and mutual friends, I would also have your reaction. I would make it my business.

However, as you and your wife's only connection to them appears to be the OM, I think acting in a fashion to support "no contact" is more important than worrying about disclosure. You don't want to get caught up in their drama again if you can avoid it. Cheaters often run in packs.

I'd tell my wife, "You're right, honey, we want to stay as far away from any drama involving OM as possible. Thanks for helping me see that." And then I'd move on to a more positive topic.

"There are 6 people involved so I will clarify them first.

Me
WW
OM
OMW
OMs BFF
OMWs BFF

These are the 6 people. OMsBFF and OMWsBFF are married. As a result of my WWs close contact with OM, she happens to know that OMsBFF has been cheating on OMWsBFF "

Are you and WW friends with these people? Have you socialized with these people?

No. We arent friends with these people. We have no dealings with them outside of WWs prior contact with OM. She has talked to OMsBFF a couple times during her time with OM, but thats it. WW HAS had contact with OMW once because we had to go to their divorce hearing as a result of the subpoena.

My reaction is to tell OMW. I mentioned this to WW once only when she told me about that affair. I havent mentioned it since then. I have just been thinking a lot about the whole "none of our business" comment.

So far 2 of you that have responded have agreed as far as "a BS SHOULD be told," but that since its her OM and their business, our NC and recovery is more important than their mess. I guess I will see what TR thinks after I have answered his question.

This sound about right?

I can definately see the point about not involving us in their business.

What if I were to tell OMW. I occasionally have contact with her when she gives me heads up about her lawyer sending a subpoena or when she asked for our phone records for her evidence. If my WW is ok with me dealing with it, leaving her out of it, what do you guys think about that?

I just, I dont know. I feel really (expletive deleted) knowing someone else is going through this and that if I was them, I would want someone in my position to tell them. At least, even if I didnt believe me, I could look around a bit. Maybe she is blissfully ignorant and happy, or maybe she is going through counseling with her WH and doesnt even know that the true barrier to any progress is his cheating. I dont know. I just feel like its not my place to judge, just that if I was in her shoes I would want someone to tell me. Just like so many of you told me "SNOOP MORE, THEY ARE GOING AT IT LIKE RABBITS!" Sure I chose not to believe you, but at least you guys had the decency to tell me.

Thanks guys for your perspective, hoping to hear more. If we had another appointment with Jennifer soon I would ask her about it...

I know I am going against the grain here, but I think that if you have the info on the BS yourself and you were to send the message and then send them here, I think it would be okay.

The fact that you guys have already talked about it, and it is still weighing so heavily on your mind keeps you stuck. I understand that you want the BS to find out. I also understand what the others suggested as well.

Good luck with your decision.

It's a problem only if you think it is. Think about it this way: if someone you knew, even remotely, had a daughter who was being molested by someone, would you assume it's their problem and not interfere? I'm hoping your answer is NO.

The sorry thing about being a contributing human in our society is that sometimes you have to contribute. Contribute now and help this poor woman.

I have made it clear to everyone I know that they need to be faithful, or they'd better hide it from me, because I will bust them in a heartbeat.

Well, Scotland and MaritalBliss, I happen to agree with both of you a far as what I personally think.

However, my WW does not agree.

So... do I tell OMW about her friends adulterous husband on my own, do I tell my WW I am doing it, or do I honor POJA and not do anything until we agree on it?

If I have to POJA it, then how do I explain it to WW so she sees the right of it? And if she doesnt see the right of it, what does that say about her?

Props to Scotland, again, with no fear of being the "naysayer."

Thanks MB peeps... its what I love about this place! People not afraid to be up front, open, and truthful! Thanks again for your perspectives!

"If my WW is ok with me dealing with it, leaving her out of it, what do you guys think about that?"

All BS's deserve the truth.

So you call the BS's. When they ask how do you know, your going to have to tell them about how your WW found about their WH's affair when your WW was having her affair with her OM.

Anonymous exposure is not the best way to go for many a BS will not believe an anonymous person and they are denied being able to go over the facts they have just been presented with the presenter.

Your WW�s OMW was exposed. That was a must be told.

These other BS�s deserve and need the truth and should be told.

The more I think about it whether or not they are your direct friends they should be told.

Poster�s on MB, WS and BS have come back to say someone at work or some neighbor is having an affair should they expose. They are told yes these BS deserve the truth. But these people directly know the WS and/or the BS.

Caution, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, no good deed goes unpunished. You can have some WS hoping mad because they got caught. They may threaten law suits, get restraining order. Can�t be sued for telling the truth. But you can�t prove they are being WH�s. They will claim you are making up stuff because you want to create problems for your OM so you are trying to get the OM in trouble with his buddies by telling lies. He said she said. Your WW will not be able to prove the OM told her about his friends having affairs. OM will not be able to prove he did not tell your WW.

These OM will definitely get mad at your WW�s OM for having big mouth.

What do you want to do?

What do you think is the right thing to do?

Remember in life there are things that should be done, must be done, left undone.

Think it through and do what's best for you.

I can only speak from the perspective of being a BS. I would never, NEVER cover for a wayward. NEVER. I would let your WW know that this is your 'new' life - that you both live in totally honesty in everything that you do.

Think about the wayward's spouse - don't you think they deserve to know?

I was a BS that was told about a budding EA almost 3 years ago. It was one anonymously over the phone from someone my WH and OW work with. To this day, I don't know who it was. I was gaslighted. The affair continued to the point we are at today. That is why, when I expose any affairs from now on, I will tell them about this place. I am forever grateful to this person. They didn't even know me(at least I don;t think so).

I firmly believe that BS need to know. I also know from personal experience that there are times that is not possible due to personal and family safety issues. It is totally up to you. I have made the choice to tell more often than not to tell, and that was before MB. Now, I KNOW it is the right thing to do.

As far as what you should do with your wife, I think you should tell her how you feel. Let her know that this is something that you feel is the right thing to do. If you two fully POJA it, you could come up with different ways to achieve your goal(either to tell or not). Let your WW know why you think it is important and find out why she feels like you shouldn't. Really listen to her side. You may see that your choice is to not tell. If you two POJA it and decide that you shouldn;t tell, it should then be something that isn't talked about anymore.

I cannot believe that ANYONE would EVER advocate NOT TELLING!!!!

Gather evidence. Do whatever you have to do. EXPOSE THIS TO THE BS!