Background---Together for 2.5 years. It has been rocky. I have never been physically abusive or called her names. She is very hard on herself and has had self-esteem issues. I did not do a good job to build it up. I made a mistake 1 year ago, by chatting online with an old girlfriend. I wasnt sure why but...she found out and the trust was gone. This was after I asked her to marry me. She always thinks I am doing this again...because I do spend a lot of time on the Internet for work.

When I get upset with her, I have said maybe you need to find a new place etc. I made her leave July 28th and she got a home just down the street from me. We then continued to see each other...but never really addressed the issues. I am a poor communicator and say dumb things when I get upset. I want to work on this but don't know how.

I have broken her heart many times, but she has stayed with me and seemed to still want to try.

She is incredible and I took her for granted.

We were intimate 3 weeks ago...and she wanted to work on it still. Then last week I said something stupid and she sent me the 'it's over, I can't do this anymore'. I talked to her and found out she has been dating a guy. She told me in an emailt hat they have dated 3x and he is sweet and a gentleman...and treats her well. I guess he wants a chance with her but she told me that she told him that she just wants to be friends as she is not ready for a relationship. She told me she started dating him after we were intimate.

We have both been wrecks. She told me not to email or call her. Then she emailed (of course I emailed alot..and was honest and poured my heart out). Evidentally it is too late. I did say in one...'tell me you dont love me in an email and I will stop pursuing'. The email never came. She said she was confused and give her space etc. I then made a mistake and sent her flowers at work. WOW...she was upset! She said she bawled at work and that they were beautiful, but wished they had come sooner...and meant more. She stated she appreciates my openess and honesty this last 4 days....and needed it earlier in the relationship. She said she has never had a guy do and say so many wonerful things this last 4 days. I asked her to go to counseling but she stated: 'I don't want to because the one thing u are not offering me is what I've been asking for over and over again, please let me have my space so I can think and relax and stop worrying! Please! You love me and want what's best for me but u are ripping me apart every hour of the day!'

The email today stated: I have been reading through your emails from last night because I decided it was best for me to turn off my phone for the evening. I want to clear something up that you mentioned in a previous email because your feelings and opinion of me are important to me... I did not go on a date before we were intimate for the last time, the first time I went out with him was almost 2 weeks later. I am telling you this because I never want you to feel betrayed or in the dark like I did at one time. It hurt too much and I wouldn't wish it on you at any point because even though I know you don't believe it, I do care very much for you and hate that you are hurting. I do plan on calling you soon because I don't care how angry you get or how much you say we can't be friends, I don't believe that's true and eventually I would like to be able to talk and be in each other's lives when we both know we can handle it. Thank you for agreeing to give me time and space. I think it's what you need too. This has consumed us both and we need to let go.

I do hope you are feeling better and have been able to sleep. It hasn't been easy for me to do either lately. I will call you in a few days if that's ok and you still want me to. If not, I will understand and respect your decision.

I replied:
That sounds fine. Give me a call if you want to and when you feel comfortable.

I have not emailed her, like I have been doing. I know I need to give jer time. I also think there is a SLIVER of love still left in her for me...I just know the type of person she is.

I know there is info missing...and I can elaborate more....but can someone tell me what she is saying and what I should do. Some say act happy ...dont contact her....and let her see changes...and if I please/beg and pursue it will hurt. I just wanted her to know I wanted to fight for her...because I was an idiot and DO LOVE her...and willing to make the changes I was unwilling and didnt see before.

Advise...PLEASE!?!?!?
Alan

When she calls--- how should I act? What if she brings up that guy? She is a very jealous type and if I was to say I am dating, it would affect her...so dont want to go that route. She is very emotional right now...and I know I have pushed her away...but IF I do the right things she may be curious as to 'changes'. She is divorced (as am I) and never ever wanted to stay with her ex or even remain a friend...so with her coming back and 'wanting' to be friends and see each other tells me she is heartbroken and looking for support. There is unfinished business etc. My only concern is in her condition she is dating and this guy seems good for her...so she may be heading back to a relationship already. If she does this because of her vulnerability--then my chances are shut down or do I just wish her well and promote the guy and let her know I am here for her? We were best friends at one time..and she has said that over and over again. I did sign up for a counseling session and boaught some books. I have poured out so much to her the last 5 days it is unbelievable...and she appreciated it and asked why now? I said sometimes it takes something drastic to trigger...but hopefully it isn't too late.

What should I do or how do I act if she calls...and what if she wants to see each other? She may just feel guilty how it ended and that she is/was seeing someone. Remember-she emailed me the 'end'.

If you are dating, say so. Anything else is dishonest.

"Signing up" and "Buying" are different from 'attending' and 'reading', so be clear: have you gone to counseling or read anything?

I don't know how to advise you because it sounds like you're getting mixed messages. I will say it's not a good idea to date if you still hope/want the person back. The fact that she is dating already sounds like she has shut the door to the possibility of the two of you getting back together. She "wants to be friends down the road" because she doesn't want the pain of totally having you out of her life...however, is that really fair to the next person she's seeing?
Personally, if it were me, I'd probably let her go. I know how hard that is because you still love her and would love to have her back...but do you really think that's going to happen? Sometimes we're forced to accept things we don't like...I know, my fiance just broke up with me 5 weeks ago and he never even had a discussion with me about it. I have no choice but to accept it, as painful as it is, as much as I don't want to.
Good luck with however it goes!

I am accepting it much better today. Most days have been rough. I respect her and have not contacted her. I think she misses me, but have to give her that time to miss me...if she doesnt then she doesnt. We had great times and I truly do hope she does will. I will not use any 'tricks' to try and win her back. I am going to go to counseling by myself...start having a social life again...and do the things I can do to change myself for the better. If she wants to be my friend I will have to try to do that--but it will take time. I do care about her and want her to be happy. She is a very good person with a good heart. Funny--I see how great she is now but did nothing to change myself during the relationship.

You are right...I can't lie to her. I have been reading some books and have signed up for counseling. I am learning to let her go. It is what she wants and I need to respect that wish.

I'm glad you'll be in counseling, that can be a great help. A good counselor won't tell you what to do but will help you look at everything you need to in order to make a good informed decision. They also equip you with the necessary "tools" (like communication techniques, helps). Good luck to you!

Nebraska, I think you should let her go too. I think so because of the very first sentences in your first paragraphs. You've been dating 2.5 years and it's been rocky. It shouldn't be rocky.

I'm not sure it was as simple as you making some changes. A good book that helped me see relationships differently is Will Our Love Last? It's about compatibility, and we're not talking about having common interests here.

Ok, update: We have had no contact for 4 weeks. She stated she would never speak to me again. She has been dating a guy for 1.5 months now.

Last weekend she contacted me about my daughter. We talked for 2 hours ont he phone. She evidentally saw me out on a date with someone and she mentioned it. She said it was hard to see. We had a nice talk.

She then started emailing. We emailed back and forth. She then wanted to come over and pick some things up at my house. It was things she could have picked up without me there. We talked for two hours outside. She cried...and was mad that I am better now...but wasnt this way during the relationship. She said her boyfriend is 'nice and fun'.

The next morning the texting and emailing continued. She then texted to call her as she wanted to have phone sex and talk to me. Unfortunately I gave in. She then regretted it.

We continued to talk/text/email like old times. BUT I realized I had to take a stand, as she told me she still has strong feelings toward me....but was confused and scared...yet had feelings for the BF and doesnt want to hurt him.

Last night I called her and told her if she doesnt choose me or him, then i am out and won't talk to her again. She said she wants me to be part of her life because we have so mush history...but realizes she cannot offer me that right now, because of issues we had. I told her understand and that I will always care...and good luck. So i am sure she is done...she cried...said she needs to break up with BF because she cheated on him etc.....so confused.

What do i do now? Just wait? I am working on myself and she said she noticed that;)

She does indeed sound like a lost soul, I feel bad for her "BF". You would do well to stay away from her as far as possible, she is a classic "bad news" person.

AGG

Very similar to what my XH did to me. He was upset, mad, blamed me for all of his issues. But then he cried and wanted back. Then the next moment he said he was scared and could not do it.

The counselor I was seeing at that time said if he was really sincere about coming home without using me, I would be able to 'tell'. And unfortunately I could tell that he was trying to 'use' me. Later he even confessed that he 'used' me. Because he knew that I had a soft spot for him.

Not saying that this is the same but be careful.

People that are no good for other people are no good for us as well, just a red flag. It also goes to show it's not a good idea to jump from one person to the next, we need to give ourselves time to heal beforehand or this is what happens.

Stay clear of her!

I think if you ignore her and STOP responding to her for a while she might actually get the hint that you will NOT be there for her to use and "fall back on" whenever she feels like it.

If you allow yourself to be the "fall back" guy...that is what you WILL always be.