latest email: read lower one first

would appreciate it if you left me relationship with my children to me. The question on coming home needs to be asked to you not me...I left at your urging not mine...do not try to spin this any other way.




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hubby,
I hope that you plan on returning home tonight. I did not want you and son to get into it. He is still in recovery from his own crisis, even though he looks good, talks a mean game.
See you later.
How should I respond? funny how he is "spinning" the spin. isn't he the one who told me HE wanted to end our marriage?
also, am i supposed to confront the a as if i am sure it exists?(even though he denies it?) or wait till i get the information?
Met with pi, got things in motion...feel good about that. I am getting much calmer. thank you. i appreciate your responses very much!

I am completely devastated and menatally exhausted, what happened yesterday and last night really really hurt me more than I can ever put into words, I feel like my heart has been completly ripped out of my chest...

he also wrote this in email(other short one before above one) I thought he got what he wanted, a night away from wicked shrew, me? maybe i am getting the hang of this

mom, take a deep breath and try to relax. You WH is trying to wrap your mind up to where you don't know if you're coming or going. So let's put things in order, okay?

First, tell us about your meeting with the PI.

Next. No, don't say anything to your WH about an A. Let your PI come up with irrefutable evidence before you say anything. And let us know what the PI finds before you confront WH.

Finally, remember that your WH is going to be saying and doing a lot of things that may be completely out of character for him. You may feel at times like you're in the twilight zone. My H once confounded me by saying, out of the blue, that I was harming the ozone layer by using hair spray. WTH?? This guy never had a thought about the environment before that one came out of his mouth! It was just my H being wayward and trying to find fault with me. It's what they do.

I guess I must have been doing okay if all he could find to complain about was that I was using hair spray, LOL! (and even that one didn't fly because my hair spray didn't contain CFCs

You are doing fine.

Your WH is having tantrums right and left cause he is not able to continue his fantasy unabated by reality. Your actions and calmness are also messing with his solution to whatever led him into the affair.

Stay calm no matter what you face. No matter what you face....even if your Taker (a MB term for ego) gets riled up for a fight. Calm. It is in your best interest. In the best interest of your family and even if it doesn't appear to have effect now, your marriage.

Keep focused on laying good groundwork and having info to know what you are dealing with and the players involved. Once you know that...keep it close to your vest to do the best onward work and do not let your emotional ego blow all your intelligence as it will want to do.

By the way, all people are emotional to the max, some just have less skill at being still and riding the waves. It is a skill you either learn as a toddler or as an adult. Being human IS having emotion.

latest email(i've gotten 6 today from huber busy and important executive husband) asking me for the credit cards we have open and the balance. he does not participate in the bill paying at all and hasn't for years, although when we have debt(and we do now) it's always my fault. so does this mean he wants to control the money so he can have money for his hunny? ugh, i am starting to lose the resolve i had earlier today.
the pi went well. i liked her, now i have to scrounge up $ to get what i need. i gave her retainer but she said it usually takes about 3 weeks...
thanks for your input. i hope he doesn't come home tonite and carry on

I would stop responding to his emails. Sounds like he's trying to create drama, and that's an energy drain.
I would like to think your PI can come up with intel much sooner than 3 weeks. When did she say she's going to get started? I would suggest finding another PI if this one can't 'work you in'.

Yep. It sure is funny, how they can be just soooo busy and important that they don't have time to meet their spouse for lunch, and yet they do have time to shoot out tons of self-serving emails (and, need I add, time to have an affair.) Yep, that one sure does make me ponder...

pi said she'd start on wed or thurs....i thought that was ok? non?
WS called me at 12:26pm on my cell. i had just plugged it into charger and erased everything. i said "hello". he said, "you called me?" i said, 'Um, no, but how are you?" then he told me he was going to drive from downtown to the chiropractor here and then back into town for a meeting(about 25 or miles, traffic wouldn't be bad but it's highway) i said, 'um ok". i said, "are you coming home tonite?" he said, " i want to talk to the kids(older two)" i said, 'ok, are you going to stay?" he said, "do you want me to?" i said, "of course" then i told him that i appreciate him not yelling or raising his voice but some of the things he has said have been cruel and very hurtful. he said, "if we're going to have a good marriage, we have to be honest" hahahahaha. even I can laugh at this one . hugs to you miss maritalbliss.
this is keeping me afloat in a surreal way

Hang in there, mom. We'll help you.

so I am sitting with WS last night watching tv(one of his emotional needs) and it's going ok. He talked about a project at work, then kind of blurts out "OW is going to China for a couple of weeks". I said, "Oh" and meanwhile thinking "Oh cr@p!" cuz the PI is supposed to start this week. He said she is going this weekend. I said,"How can someone go when they have kids?" he said they just expect you to go. He also said HE was supposed to go but that was cancelled awhile ago. I texted PI and she wondered if he's just trying to throw me off track.
But my report is that I did not commit one LB last night-no relationship talk, no tears, NOTHING! Now, of course up super early today with stomach pain, not so good...

Good job, holding off the LB's! Question: you think your H has an important EN to watch TV? Because that's a form of parallel play, KWIM? You're not really engaged with each other when you're watching TV. Watching TV is pretty much a solitary activity. Or do you watch it and discuss it throughout? I'm confused...

well i asked him questions about football, small talk, but he is generally very quiet. he goes walking but takes off without me(on purpose) he seems to be isolating himself more. am i supposed to bring up our relationship or not?

Here was his morning email to me: becaause he sat down with the older two, ages 22 and 15)
It was pretty much a uni-directional conversation (Ie me talking to them) but I wanted to share with you a couple of things that I told them so we are on the same page with the messaging to our children:

1) I love them very much and no matter what happens that isn't going to change

2) I told them you love them very much and that we both want whats best for each of them and that neither one of us would do anything to hurt them

3) That Mom and I are working thru some very difficult things most of which date back to things that happened way before we were married. I told them this isn't easy but we are working on it and this isn't something you fix in a couple of days

4) This isn't about them or anything they did. I also told them that its OK to be upset.

5) They should not be in the middle of this or really even know its going on. The fact that they do bothers me greatly. This is between me and your Mom and somethings we need to work out. I apologized several times for their involvement and for being hurt

6) I told them I would not talk about the details because if I do I may say things that might paint their their Mom in a negative light and I am not going to do that.

7) I told them I would answer any questions they had at any time, no yelling just the truth

8) I told then that they had a very good Mom and that she deserves to be happy

9) In an absolute worse case scenario all that would happen is we all wouldn't all live in the same house, we aren't there but that is the worst thing that could happen out of this. We would still be a familly, they would still see me as much as they would like and I would still take care of them, I would still buy them things and most importantlyI would still love them.

10) I told them that there will be changes that need to come out of this mostly on how your Mom and relate to each other, change is hard on everyone buts its long overdue and it really needs to happen if we are all going to be happy as a couple and a family.


You dont need to respond, but I would ask if you tell them something different that you tell me about it so I have some idea of whats going on with our children.

I will talk to other son this weekend.

I don't understand, maritalbliss, how we can WORK on the relationship at all when
A: he's having an A
B: he hasn't "forgiven" me for all of my transgressions in the marriage
C: he keeps saying that he doesn't think he wants to be married to me

What is the straw holding this together? i am very weary today and he doesn't notice me, doesn't seek me out, etc etc. I don't want to harass and chase, and aggravate him. Then he sends me emails all day...

mom,
Your husband is in the middle of his affair and is only thinking about that, you right now are the bad guy, you have to get evidence and then expose the affair to everyone, including your children......
Then ask him for No Contact with the OW, if he is not willing then you have to go into Plan A while he is still there and when he moves if that is his choice Plan B is the next step..
Remember at this stage, you stay calm, have a plan and whatever you do, don't believe a word he says.......it's like they are possessed by an alien.......don't expect anything, this is the time in your marriage where you need to be the tougher one.....
Remember one thing, the one thing the OW forgot about was how smart you are and that she shouldn't underestimate you...........You have more power than you think, a life, a history, a family with him, if he sees you in a better light and you always look good, smell good, fill his needs...........she is just fantasy, you are life........remember that, don't get hung up on the now, keep an eye on the big picture and plan......
you are in a good place with lots of vets to help you through every step
(((hugs))))

you are precious and thank you! feeling it today as i ran errands and finally bought SAA....
he keeps emailing me with this and that which is funny since he doesn't talk when he's at home.

i will return as needed(which may be in 5 minutes!) and the support i receive here is beyond. i am grateful

so hubby just texted me very urgently. asking if i have marital counseling appt set up yet. i put him off saying i called therapist and am waiting for a callback. he said ok thanks but he did say "we are getting nowhere fast" so it seems he is desperate to get on with it, so why am i bothering? and faking all of this? someone please tell me?
my husband is a very strong, intimidating individual. he is greatlly wearing my own self-esteem down through this process of ignoring me, of telling me how i suck, of telling me he wants out.
my husband fits no mold and after years of marriage books, etc, he is the ONE person who doesn't do what they say "when/if you do this, they will do that" he doesn't fit into that logic.
help!

Grrr....if your WH was in front of me I would slap him! How dare he manipulate and confuse your children like this!

Let's go at this a piece at a time:

When a guy watches football, he watches football. This is not UA time. And your WH doesn't want UA time right now anyway.

As far as what he said to the kids:

Mean. He's out of the gate and already flagging them that something is going to 'happen'.

This is a lie. Yep, you're sure working on something difficult - your WH's affair. It is a lie that you're working on things that date back before you married. He's setting himself up as a good guy.

This directly affects them. They aren't suddenly 'not' a part of the family with no business knowing family matters.

Ouch! Where's my 2X4!? He is alluding to them that your 'issues' are YOUR fault.

Uh-huh. I wonder what he would say if they asked him if there was another woman.

Reverse psychology. This is to get them to buy that bit about his not wanting to put you in a 'negative' light. Yep, throw out a little compliment about Mom after you've thrown her under the bus. Then they'll think you're sincere.

Another set-up. He's preparing them for his trip to Fantasy Island.


You are dealing with a foggy wayward. Don't try to logic him out - it'll just make you crazy.

He is getting certain needs met by you when he emails. I would be inclined to disregard them and not respond. Your call, though.

My husband was like that in the beginning as well, when I found out about the affair and it was all in the open he kept saying it is how he feels now and he can't just pull a switch and change things, but he constantly talked to me about what happened and how it was all my fault......I said fine if that is what he wanted out of life then go be happy......
The whole time Mom I was looking good, smelling good, being reasonable, understanding his emotional side of things.......I was telling him that this was only his decision and that I still loved him and wanted to make our lives together be great again......
When I spoke to him I looked right into his eyes, I would brush against him by mistake of course, hehe!!! and I would ask for a hug to get over the emotional turmoil I was feeling, he did, at first didn't respond, but after a while he was hugging back, it's just a way of connecting with someone again.....
My point is my husband was gone in every way and you can slowly reconnect with him and the fantasy OW will soon not look like the better option........
This is a tough road but I think you are strong enough to fight for what is yours....in no way was I going to let something that only last a few weeks ruin what we had in 27 years.......there is a great balance you have to achieve here, you have to make him fall in love with you all over, you have to be understanding, you have to be loving and you have to be accountable for your actions........all the while be respectful of yourself and your boundaries.....he will see a loving, strong woman that might be just to hard to give up for some chance at a happy life, he might just realize he has that already in you......
I know it's hard to think like this but feeling sorry for yourself and just standing back letting things progress is just a single life waiting to happen.......
I suggest all these things as well as following the advice and steps of recovering your marriage by the vets on this site.......there are steps that are important to do with the right timing.....good luck........stay smart

ok, i will not respond to emails or texts

and ladies, i appreciate your thoughtful contributions.

i will homeschool my teen, shower, get gorgeous for his evening return, try and see if he wants/we can spend time alone(i have a 5 and 6yr old so they DO take up evening time till bed) WS goes to bed early, remember? cuz he gets up at 4 or 5 to go and meet his honey before work...

onward...:)

I unfortunately was in a similar situation as you but confronted my hubbie with "proof" and after 2 days he spilled all the details of the affair - I kicked him out and he spent two weeks with the ow and I sent an email saying is this is or are we going to save this marriage - he left her and we went to marriage counseling - I give the counselor a lot of the credit - my hubbie had a lot to say that never was said and it cleared a path to recovery - at the same time my friends and relatives that knew what was going on were quite concerned with my emotional state - make sure you are taking care of yourself - sleep and food!

thank you goldengirl,
i am spent but my faith is holding me up. the weight loss is shocking as i have tried to lose weight for 4 yrs with little success. i am looking hotter but WS doesn't seem to notice..maybe I will try the braless approach?
thank you for your input. talked to pi. she tried to familiarize herself with our neighborhood and his place of work(it's a huge one) and videotaped someone but sounds like it wasn't him? i dunno.
your presence here is helping me get through