I still can't believe how many people are telling me that he is abusive/dysfunctional...I know he is...but hearing it from people here when Ihave only told them the facts is just..well unbelievable really.

I can't believe I have such a strong love for someone who would do this. What an idiot I am.

Remember when you were dating people? Remember how when you broke it off how hard it was? We get bonded to people. That is the way it is. Breaking these bonds is very very hard and painful. Breaking it off with a dysfunctional cheaterman is much harder since you have had to lie to yourself in order to put up with that bad treatment all these years. It takes a lot of energy to tell yourself the truth instead of believing the lie.

Remember how hard it was for you to break it off with the other affair- guy? You still think about him, right?

Breaking off any love relationship, marriage, or friendship is hard, hard, hard....after a couple months you feel much better.

***But it is much worse to NOT BREAK the bonds of an abusive/cheating relationship.

Yes Bubbles, I am angry because seeing him last night has reset my clock....

I really believed that out M would last for ever and I did not go into this light hearted.

I just feel numb right now at the reality of the situation and who I married.

It took my husband FIVE failed attempts before he could fully quit smoking!

Harmony,

Sorry this happened but I think I can say that just about everybody posting to you KNEW it would happen. I was fairly certain that he is an abusive personality, but what do I know. However, I do know that abuse people don't let go of their victim easily. They will try ANYTHING sweet words, attention, threats, violence to maintain their control. Hence people telling you to change your locks.

You asked STay away from him is step one. Look up abusers on the web and you will KNOW exactly why your first statement is foolish. He has done nothing wrong. It is all your fault, he doesn't have to work on the marriage you do, and finally you are his and he is NOT letting you go.

Any of thoughts make sense in light of last night? He does not want the marriage you want. He had the marriage he wanted with you taking his abuse and doing what he wanted. Then you messed the whole thing up and had an affair, suggesting his control was not complete. What to do? Punish, that is the ticket, so he started to punish you, berate you, abuse the marriage, while telling you all the time it was YOUR fault that you were being punished and that he was not happy.

In one way it was your fault. You stopped being his slave but you have found that you could NEVER be a good enough slave.

Hello Harmony you need a plan, then you need to proceed with your plan. There is no way you can make him happy, and frankly I see little chance he can ever make you happy. He has been too badly damaged by his past. Drugs mess with brain chemistry, some folks are function, some only function in limited capacity. his family of origin have also messed him up, and then there is just plain HIM. He has free will, he has failed to adequately deal with the events of his life. He has failed to become the sort of man that many women want. Fortunately for most women he dumps them for someone else, but in some cases he must be dumped.

You have my take on it. You call.

JL

Just get out of the house till you have the locks changed and you get a restraining order. Its that simple for now.

I told you about the pretty and nice girl I used to know roight? The one who had an abusive boyfriend but she kept insisting he was reeally allright and misunderstood? Ya know, The girl weho the boyfriend caved her head in with a hammer in the woods?
She didn't listen either..


Listen... get out of the house, get a restraining order, and don't go anywhere alone for awhile. It would help if you had a brother who would threatem him also besides the police, I don't think he has any respect for law.


OK, thats what you should be doing, not trying to figure it all out. Just do it.

You got that right. He is going to do whatever it takes to reclaim his possession.

You need a plan beyond the locks and alarm system. Have a room in the house with an interior lock on the door and a phone inside.

10-15 minutes is an eternity, and that assumes the police take you seriously.

Have a car key and cash and a credit card stashed outside the house so you can leave empty handed if need be.

You may never need any of that, but there is no downside to having it in place.

Things may settle down, but don�t go back to your house without a safety plan in place.

Actually, come to think of it, every woman living alone, regardless of dating/marital status should have that in place. It�s just sensible.


Replace the word �idiot� with �healer� and I think you will be much closer to the mark.

Reflect on that.


A victim never has any responsibility of any sort for the abuser�s conduct, period.

Harmony is no more responsible for her H's abuse than he is for her A.

Still feel a bit low today for many reasons:

1. The fact that he only came round to use me and know that he could still maintain some sort of control over me. Once he knew that he left.
2. A reminder of how much I love and care for him, and how painful it might be to let him go.
3. That he may never want to seek help or recognize that his behaviour is �abusive�.
4. That he is going to make it difficult for me to move on.
5. That I know the right thing to do is end this M as he has far too many issues to deal with.

I was doing so well last week, and am trying to get back to that place.

The police came round last night as a follow up to the call I made. I told them I didn�t want to do anything formal as I think he is just not handling the situation well, and all I wanted to do was protect myself. It was weird when I was telling them about Saturday night, they asked me if he had ever hit me. I said well he has only hit me once under extreme circumstances, then they said and what about before? I then said well he has kicked me a couple of times, but nothing serious. I was thinking, OMG listen to yourself Harmony, you are making excuses for him. They said I should just put a chain on the door so he can�t get in when I am in the house and call them and they will treat it as a priority 1. They said if he turns up drunk then they can come round and remove him but he won�t be arrested unless he touches me.

They also asked me what did I do when I asked him to leave, I said that I didn�t ask him to leave as he was drunk and been driving. Then when they were asking for details, they asked for his car reg. Nightmare. So now I am worried that they are going to catch him drink driving, if he got banned from driving that would be his whole career ruined.

When he comes to pick up his post I am going to leave him a Plan B letter, telling him that it will be more than a change of heart for me to take him back, and that he would need IC for his abusive behaviour and commitment to MB program.

He is on a path of self destruction and it is not good to watch.

For the first time, since he has gone I feel a need to contact him to try and reason with him, stop the drinking and get yourself sorted out. I am not not going to but its hard.

That is really good that the police stopped by. You H should get banned because he has the habit of drunk driving. He is not only a threat to his career but other fellow drivers.


We are what we protect. The question is what will you do? Whom do you protect, yourself or him? Will you proceed with your own plan, your own personal recovery, your future, your potential, or will you follow him on this road?

He will drag you into it, if you don't stay away from him, you know that.

I would like to give you some encouragement, this unfortunate night have told you many things, about him and about yourself, this is valuable information and all you can do is to continue learning. Now, since you have more information, you have a good chance to make better decisions, have a better judgement. You are a brave woman. You don't have to become a superwoman, there are just steps you need to do - changing locks, removing yourself from his paths, blocking his phone number (on a cell and house phone), so he cannot reach you in any way, stop worrying about him and continue working on yourself.

Harmony,

If you slept with WH, which you implied, please tell me there was protection? If not, you better go back to get tested for STD's again right away. There are diseases out there that could ruin your hopes for becoming a mother some day. You need to take care of your own health and well-being.

As for the rest, I agree with everybody else. The raod for your WH to become the kind of person you would want to be married to is going to be a very long one. Personally, I don't think he has it in him. He would have to quit drinking for one thing and I highly doubt he would give that up.

So, talk to the solicitor and get the D filed. Once you are filed you probably have the legal rights to change the locks on the house and keep him out. You simply cannot allow him to come and go as he please any longer. Please explain the whole sitch to the solicitor and follow their advice to the letter.

Sorry you are in a rough spot right now. Obviously, from the traffic on your thread there are plenty of people that care about you. We all want to see you be happy and succeed. In this case, I believe that success is defined as a divorce from the abuser and moving on with your life with all of your new found tools and knowledge.

Well Ok. Somehow its OK for you to stay at the house without any real protection. Thats easy for everyone to say in the interest that he will have a miraculaous chamge.

I guess its OK to take a chance on your health or Hs future freedom.

There is a time when you should pull in the autorities and protect yourself. What the cops did was the only thing they can unless you file charges. Its a senerio I have seen many times and sometimes it ends much more tragic.

He's escalating...

You can go down to your local courthouse today, and file for a protection order, and then have him served, or you can let him flounder without any real authority working in his life untill he does something so bad that he might never forgive himself.

Doesn't anyone GET that? Is this guy above the rules we have in society that are meant to protect us? Yes even the times when we need the law to kick our butt and we cry, "But, but, its not fair! This and this happened and then I felt!..."

Have mercy on this guy somebody please. He needs seriuos help and its too bad if its embarrassing. He will thank you for it later if he ever sees it is for his own good. If he doesn't then well I guess he will use it as another excuse for feeling sorry for himself.

He is not facing anything that all of us have to learn to deal with. Its time someone really loved him enough to show him a way out from himself, his habits, even his own interpretation of his life and self images. He can change but he won't respect what is not authority and strong enough to stop him. Love takes many forms for men, in his case it seems he has yet to realize that and is seperated from the truth.

The world will continue to work like it does, it will not bend to his image of what it should be, the truth will stay the same as it allways has, but there is a way out of this mess he is in. I am not talking about reconciling his marriage, I am talking about saving his life first.

If he comes back and hurts anymore people, including himself, whether it be a car accident or violence towards Harmony, it will set HIM back.


Get someone to be around you and protect you Harmony 24-7, and make him keep the boudaries you need for saftey by getting a restraining order.

All kids get mad when they are forced to do something they don't want to do and they tell you they hate you and you are ruining thier lives. If he allowed to hurt you or others it will be even harder for him to come back.

He will only trust Love if it is strong.

I know Niitse, I am trying to get my head straight again, but he has reeled me back in totally and utterly, I will even to go as far and say that he lookd smug Sunday morning. I started crying Sunday morning as he tried to hug me before he left and told him to leave me and go. I don't want to focus on him, it will take me another day to get my head straight and I will be fine.

I am really concerned about his behaviour, it is very erratic. I still love him after all and want him ok.


No I stupidly did not use protection, so will need to get tested again. How embarassingly stupid.



The way I am feeling right now, is that there is still a part of me that believes he is going to hit rock bottom and want to change. I can't get my head around filing for divorce. I know I am probably kidding myself, I just need to be sure. Maybe its just because of yesterday, as I was feeling so strong last week. I just need to get my strong head back again. When I am back on course I will come back to this one.

Thanks all for your support, this has helped me so much. My family and friends are there too, but though dont have the experience of these situations that people seem to have here.

Textbook.

Harmony, I agree 100% with CP. I think you are taking this WAY too lightly.

CP and I have known women murdered by abusive men. It isn�t a theory -- it�s a real world bloody risk.

You think he won�t do �X�, and he does �X�. You think he won�t do �Y�, and he does �Y�. Every time he goes a little further, it feeds his self- loathing, and he can�t face that so he goes further still to feed that insatiable beast.

Are you really prepared to risk �Z�? �Cuz that is where you are headed.

You are not safe. He is going to hurt you. You are taking that lightly. You truly believe he won�t do �Z�.

I see every indication that he is absolutely going to do �Z�.

Again, the time of gravest risk for abused women is right after they leave their abuser. You just �left� your abuser again on Sunday. He doesn�t even know yet that he�s been left.

You cannot seriously believe he isn�t going to try a repeat.

Get every legal protection you can in place. Don�t be alone, ever, walking to or from your car or anywhere else.


Then stop watching.

CP�s right � your H has to be yanked out of his self indulgent downward spiral.

Plan B is the kindest thing you can do for him � think of it as a manifestation of your love for him if that helps.


You are worried about the wrong thing.

You should be worried that he is going to kill a family of three and end up in prison.

And stop beating yourself up over what happened. You aren't stupid. You are a fallible human doing the very best you can.

You don't have to decide whether to divorce or not right now. What you need to decide right now is to get all available legal protections in place.

Hi All

A bit numb at the moment. Back home tonight, he has not been in, I have someone coming round in the morning to put a lock on the door from the inside.

I know he won't be back for a few days as he has got his 'fix' and I have in some ways given him the idea that he can walk back into my life at anytime, great There won't be a next time.



I hear you Constant, I agree with you. I don't know what I am suppose to do, I am afraid of doing something that is going to wind him up. The police know now, I am having the locks changed tomorrow and I am seeing the lawyer aswell tomorrow and will let her know the situation. When he next comes back and tries to get in the house and can't get in, he is going to hit the roof. If he does I will just lokc myself in the bathroom and call the police, by the time he breaks in and tries to get in the house the police will be here. Hopefully it won't come to this. He is so out of control, I don't know what he is going to do.

I feel worn out with all the emotion.





I don't know how to take it really thats the problem. I am shocked out how he is being, and keep thinking he is going to snap out of it and he isn't he is just getting worse. All he keeps going on about is my A and I don't realise how much damage I have done. As soon as I mention about his OW he just is oblivious. There is no reasoning with him drunk or sober.



How do I do that? I know Plan B is suppose to help, but when?



I am tryng to do the best I can, but I had a moment of weakness thats all. I think I was just relieved to see him out of his 'Dr Jeckyl' moment. I still really don't understand whats going on. I know he is hurt by the A, but all this? A GF said to me he is just totally in love with you and can;t cope it with it. Hmm whatever. This is why I come here, as many people that surround me just don't know what I am going through and it wouldbe unfair for me to expect them to know what advice to give.

Hmm lessons learnt over last few days:

1. H is not allowed in the house whilst I am here
2. Do not enter into ANY conversations with him whilst in Plan B
3. If for whatever reason I am in his presence, don't get into a conversation with him, walk away.

You could also add the little question, "Are you ready to end your affair(s) and work on our marriage?" If he says anything but, "Yes," you walk away.

You CAN do this.

Plan B DOES help. You just need to stick to it. If you think about the way that you felt after only a few weeks in a Grey Plan B, imagine the feeling of courage and strength that come from a DARK Plan B of a few months. You CAN do this. Stay strong. I sense that there is a little part of you that wants to see WH. I "get" that. I have that little part too. Then I think about how it would throw away all of the work I had put in so far and how disappointed everyone here would be in me. The emotional strain is NOT worth it.

Exactly. Stop trying as in Dark Plan B.


When/if he is ready.

Let me put it to you this way.

A mother is supposed to say �no�. It�s a big part of their job description. Trust me on this.

�No� is always accompanied by a message � what I refer to as sub-text. The sub-text to �no� matters � it matters a lot.

I�m sure your H�s mother said �no� but I suspect her sub-text was incomplete, and I'm being generous with incomplete. This is why I want you to go fill in the data points on your lists. You already knew then what you think you are just now finding out. But that's a subject for another post.

In raising my children, I have kept an eye on the sub-text --- �no� because�. It was and is my view that my job is to raise them to autonomous reasoning human beings, and without the sub-text I am not giving them the tools they need to do that. I am sure many will disagree with me, but I have exhibits �A�, �B� and �C�.

When you Plan B your H, you are saying �no� with a sub-text. The sub-text is �no� because I love you so much I won�t settle for less than your best.

It isn�t a punishment. It�s a gift.

Not doing well still since weekend episode.

Still on a downer. I am missing him. I don't know why. Can't believe I was so weak.

Had a lock fitted from the inside so he can't get in when I'm at home.

Went to see lawyer today, pointless really, I am not ready to file for the D.

Still not really making any plans, feels so final doing that.

Works Christmas party coming up, don't really want to go on my own, so I probably won't go. I am still wearing my wedding ring so people still presume I am married and living with H at work. I really want to keep my private life separate from work as thats the mistake i made last time.

Saturday night friends birthday party, who just got engaged at the weekend. I don't want to to as there will be other married couples there who I haven't seen since the break up, and cant face the inevitable - Sorry to hear about you and H. So will probably not go to that either.

Husbands and I birthday coming up, find that totally depressing, as its only a few days appart. The thought of not seeing him or contacting him on his birthday is horrible.

I am really annoyed as the weekends events have really affected me.

what you need to do is reread the post you wrote, the night he came home drunk, realize what he has done to you, and forget about him. Stop thinking about him, and start focusing on yourself.

You should go to the work party, if someone ask about your husband say "He is out at the moment" then go to the next conversation.

You should go hang out with your friends, if they ask say "he is out at the moment" and go to the next conversation.

Plan B is for you, NOT HIM! Remember that.

Harmony,

Woe is me! Woe is me! Look, it is time you stopped the victim stuff and became a woman. You have a good job. You have friends, you have work friends, and you are doing a woe is me thing on yourself. What the heck are you thinking?

Your H has huge issues and has had them since before you married him. He does NOT define you, He does not need to be present for you to enjoy your life. He is not on this planet to bring you joy. At best you are on this planet to support and love one another. Right now that is NOT the case. He wants to control you and continue his affairs.

Remember we talked about boundaries and plans? Well, consider acting like a victim as a boundary you need to address. Quit the "woe is me" stuff. You chose the man to marry knowing a lot that should have said don't do it. You chose to have an affair that has set him off in a big way. He chose to have affairs and punish you. He has chosen to threaten you and occasionally get violent.

What part of this is an accident??? None of it. You are not a victim.

Start getting your life straight. Start enjoying your friends either married on not. Start living an honest life, you are NOT happily married why pretend you are. Your friends, married or otherwise, know people who have marriage problems you are not the first or even the most important.

Quit with the excuses, the victimhood, and the lying by omission. Go live your life. Start making a new life doing things you enjoy and work on your boundaries, your plans to protect them, and who you are.

God Bless,

JL

OK I am embarassed now, blushing...

Really let him get to me at the weekend, more annoyed at letting him worm his way into my arms and even more annoyed that it has taken nearly 3 days to snap out of it.

I am on a mission now to enjoy my life and he's not going to get in my way. I think the key thing to remember is people go through marriage difficulties all the time and I don't have to pretend otherwise.

I am going to make an effort to get out more and stp staying at home so much to 'feel safer'.

Thanks JL. I need to learn not to let him have this effect on me, Plan B is good.