Thank you so much for your reply- you have said some things that I desperately needed to hear. WS seems to still be doing well, but I have discovered that she has opened a secret bank account, and has a secret PO box. She also still has a gmail account that she told me she had deleted. All of this leads me to believe that she has resumed contact. I have stepped up the snooping, but I don't want to say too much for fear that she may be looking at these boards. (She is the one who found this website, isn't that ironic?) I believe that she has every intention of leaving, and maybe that is what it will take to wake her up. Meanwhile, I am trying to keep things as normal as possible at home, especially for the kids. I am trusting in the Lord that His will be done, whether I like it or not. It is difficult to see how this woman that I married, who was the most compassionate, generous and caring person I have ever known, has turned completely inward. It is painful, but that is where she is right now. As for myself, I am feeling rather numb right now. I don't feel good about the renewed emphasis on snooping, as I feel that it shows a lack of faith (in the Lord, not WS), but I feel that I simply must know what is going on. At times now, I find it difficult to pray, as I'm no longer sure what to pray for. This is a new problem for me, something I have never experienced before.

Mark I am sorry for your pain, now is the time to start preparations for plan B.

Markc,

Pray for the proper resolution to this situation. I don't know what that is and neither do you, but that is what you need. Life takes interesting twists and turns pray for the proper resolution and the insight to understand it.

That would be my suggestion.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks- that is exactly what I have been doing- praying for the Lord's will to be done.

Markc,

I do not view your snooping as not trusting in God or showing a lack of faith. God puts people and things (including technilogical know-how) in our path to help us. He is answering our prayers by giving us what we need to help ourselves.

A friend of mine used to joke that his brother kept praying to win the lottery. Day in and day out he'd pray. Finally, God answered him and said, "John, you need to buy a ticket."

There is a much better story about a shoemaker and Christmas Eve...There once lived in the city of Marseilles an old shoemaker, loved and honored by his neighbors, who affectionately called him �Father Martin�

One Christmas Eve, as he sat alone in his little shop reading of the visit of the Wise Men to the infant Jesus, and of the gifts they brought, he said to himself. �If tomorrow were the first Christmas, and if Jesus were to be born in Marseilles this night, I know what I would give Him!� He rose from his stool and took from a shelf overhead two tiny shoes of softest snow- white leather, with bright silver buckles. �I would give Him those, my finest work.�

Replacing the shoes, he blew out the candle and retired to rest. Hardly had he closed his eyes, it seemed, when he heard a voice call his name��Martin! Martin!�

Intuitively he felt a presence. Then the voice spoke again��Martin, you have wished to see Me. Tomorrow I shall pass by your window. If you see Me, and bid Me enter, I shall be your guest at your table.�

Father Martin did not sleep that night for joy. And before it was yet dawn he rose and swept and tidied up his little shop. He spread fresh sand upon the floor, and wreathed green boughs of fir along the rafters. On the spotless linen-covered table he placed a loaf of white bread, a jar of honey, and a pitcher of milk, and over the fire he hung a pot of tea Then he took up his patient vigil at the window.

Presently he saw an old street-sweeper pass by, blowing upon his thin, gnarled hands to warm them. �Poor fellow, he must be half frozen,� thought Martin. Opening the door he called out to him, �Come in, my friend, and warm, and drink a cup of hot tea.� And the man gratefully accepted the invitation.

An hour passed, and Martin saw a young, miserably clothed women carrying a baby. She paused wearily to rest in the shelter of his doorway. The heart of the old cobbler was touched. Quickly he flung open the door.

�Come in and warm while you rest,� he said to her. �You do not look well,� he remarked.

�I am going to the hospital. I hope they will take me in, and my baby boy,� she explained. �My husband is at sea, and I am ill, without a soul.�

"Poor child!� cried Father Martin. �You must eat something while you are getting warm. No, Then let me give a cup of milk to the little one. Ah! What a bright, pretty fellow he is! Why, you have put no shoes on him!�

�I have no shoes for him,� sighed the mother sadly. �Then he shall have this lovely pair I finished yesterday.� And Father Martin took down from the shelf the soft little snow-white shoes he had admired the evening before. He slipped them on the child�s feet�they fit perfectly. And shortly the poor young mother left, two shoes in her hand and tearful with gratitude.

And Father Martin resumed his post at the window. Hour after hour went by, and although many people passed his window, and many needy souls shared his hospitality, the expected Guest did not appear.

�It was only a dream,� he sighed, with a heavy heart. �I did not believe; but he has not come.�

Suddenly, so it seemed to his weary eyes, the room was flooded with a strange light. And to the cobbler�s astonished vision there appeared before him, one by one, the poor street-sweeper, the sick mother and her child, and all the people whom he had aided during the day. And each smiled at him and said. �Have you not seen me? Did I not sit at your table?� Then they vanished.

Perhaps God is visiting you and answering your prayers by giving you the armor you need to fight his battle - after all, affairs are one of the "Big 10" (and I don't mean college football)!

Regards,

BB

WS seems to still be doing well, but I have discovered that she has opened a secret bank account, and has a secret PO box. She also still has a gmail account that she told me she had deleted. All of this leads me to believe that she has resumed contact.

It sounds like she is making secret plans. People with nothing to hide don't hide anything. I recommend you get a legal counsel, and know your rights and that you protect yourself in advance. This is something that no one wants to do, because it seems to show lack of trust, but it is wise to be ready.


I have stepped up the snooping, but I don't want to say too much for fear that she may be looking at these boards. (She is the one who found this website, isn't that ironic?) I believe that she has every intention of leaving, and maybe that is what it will take to wake her up.

It's like Alma says in Alma 30....... the devil makes things look good up front, but he doesn't support people once he leads them away. As in verse 60: " And thus we see the end of him who perverteth the ways of the Lord; and thus we see that the devil will not support his children at the last day, but doth speedily drag them down to hell."

I hope she figures out what is happening before it's too late for her. Truly these are the last days, where even the elect will be deceived. May these days be shortened for the sake of the righteous.

Meanwhile, I am trying to keep things as normal as possible at home, especially for the kids. I am trusting in the Lord that His will be done, whether I like it or not. It is difficult to see how this woman that I married, who was the most compassionate, generous and caring person I have ever known, has turned completely inward. It is painful, but that is where she is right now.

Continue to pray for her, and do all that you can. It's not always given to us to know every thing that we can and should do. Remember the brother of Jared went to the Lord to get help in lighting the boats, and he was asked basically "What do you want me to do." Don't be afraid of it though, if there had been a better way, God would have done it differently. I suspect you have seen enough in your life to know that God doesn't make mistakes. If you need direct help, you will get it, if not, things will come to you, and you will do them.

As for myself, I am feeling rather numb right now. I don't feel good about the renewed emphasis on snooping, as I feel that it shows a lack of faith (in the Lord, not WS), but I feel that I simply must know what is going on.

God expects us (in most cases) to do all that we can do. He expects us to work with all our might, mind and strength. It's not lack of faith to use the tools God gives us, unless he has specifically told us not to do something - as he did in ancient Israel when he warned the priests not to steady the ark, and they did it anyway and were struck down. I don't think you have been given that warning. Keep doing what you can do.

And, as far as feeling numb............ Good grief, how else could you feel at this point? You know the gravity of the problem, it's with you all day every day, but you see no solution yet. It's hard to cope with normal every day life, let alone with something like THIS. Give your self some credit. I think you have done an amazing job so far - you may fall apart in private, but I think you are doing well in many ways. I salute you.


At times now, I find it difficult to pray, as I'm no longer sure what to pray for. This is a new problem for me, something I have never experienced before.

Pray anyway. (I know you know that.)
Give thanks for the things you DO have. Your children, your job, your testimony.

Ask for:
Guidance
An increased measure of the spirit
Help in knowing what to do from day to day.
Help to avoid mistakes
Help in teaching your children
a strengthened testimony
a Level head when things are the worst
the ability to be happy anyway
Guidance when you pray, that you may pray as God would want you to pray.

Remember, this is God we are talking about. The one who knows you better than you know yourself. The one who led the children of Israel out of Egypt through the sea, and fed them and provided for them for 40 years. He hasn't lost the ability to help us.

I think you will feel his help as you read this. He wants you to know that he is aware of your needs, and will back you up.

Keep coming back and talking when you need to talk. We'll be here.

SS

I see many others posted while I was writing mine. What nice posts.

SS

Mark I believe satan knows who to target to ruin a family, and that is the mothers because we are the nurturers, we are the ones our children come to when they are hurt. With out mommy in the home there is no comfort in the house. He knows the last day's are here, so he is working extra hard! Just keep praying.

Maybe I overlook this but, ...CONFRONT THE OM. Tell that predator to leave your wife alone!!!!

Thank you for this, Brits Brat - it gave me goosebumps.

Thanks to all for your kind advice, it has been very insightful and helpful. I wanted to update you on my current situation. WS and I took a trip to the beach to celebrate her BD and our anniversary. Our two younger children accompanied us. We had a wonderful weekend. WS was very kind and loving the entire weekend. She has been staying at home more, less hanging out with single/divorced friends. She actually went to dinner with a group of married friends from church this past week. My increased snooping has turned up nothing- so far she has been everywhere she said she was going to be. I am still troubled by the bank acct and PO box, but she is giving every indication that she is trying really hard. She insists that NC is being maintained, and I can't prove otherwise. Still unable to be intimate (SF), but I can tell she is trying in that area also. So, what does everyone think? Is progress being made, or is this a smokescreen? Continuing with Plan A for the time being. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Here's what I'm reading in your post:
WW is still going out with friends of hers who are not friends of your M.
WW has a secret PO box and bank acct that you do not have access to, meaning she can still be in contact with OM and you wouldn't know it.
She will not have sexual relations with you.

I'm not sure how much progress you are making. What snooping tools are you using? Have you put a VAR in her car? How about a keylogger on her computer?

Keylogger- yes. Turned up nothing so far. Considering VAR.

Have to agree with maritalbliss. She is still living a secret life. Its weird but no SF can mean that she doesn't want to be unfaithful to the OM. If she has SF with you it will mean that she was/is a cheater.

WS has agreed to a telephone counseling session with Marriage Builders. My question is this: if she is still in contact with OM and is lying about it, is there any value to doing this counseling? Should I do the counseling alone? Anyone who has any experience with this, I would love to have your input.

A VAR may be the best bang for the buck, especially when she's out with 'friends.' How long has the keylogger been on? Do you give her ample opportunity to have "unsupervised" time on the computer? How often does she use it?

Do these married friends know about your wife's affair? If not, they certainly should. They might be a valuable asset in letting you know about anything that is going on when your wife is not with you. Who have you exposed this A to?

The lack of SF could be a sign that she is still in contact with the OM, or it could mean that she is simply still in withdrawal. Withdrawal took quite a while for me, even after my A ended. How long has NC been in place?

I don't have any experience with this, but I think you should keep the counseling appointment. I know MB counseling has been very helpful for others, even when only one spouse is completely on board with the program.

Keylogger has been in place for 2 wks. It is on her personal laptop, which is the only computer she uses. She is home all day alone, and uses the laptop daily. She does have her blackberry though, which never leaves her side. VAR will be picked up tonight.

These married friends are all aware of A, WS actually exposed to each of them. One of them is also a former WS, and she and her H have been a godsend. This group of folks are definitely my greatest allies. A has been exposed to both of our parents, and they are all supportive. Lack of SF feels like lingering withdrawal to me, but can't be sure. NC has been in place for 4 wks, assuming it has been maintained. She admits that she still has strong feelings for OM, but not as strong as before. I believe this is true, because for first 2 wks after NC, she was deeply depressed. She does still seem to want seperation, but is "not ready". Mixed signals all around.

You know, I have actually said that very thing to her- "It feels like you think you are cheating om OM with me." She says that is ridiculous. She says that she feels traumatized by the PA. I might add that both of us were virgins when we wed, and until now, neither of us had ever been with anyone else. She did actually disclose the PA to me voluntarily (I was aware of the EA, but not that it had progressed to full PA.) She also continues to maintain that SF with OM only happened once, but who knows?