WS and I went for a walk. I was asked and revealed our debt. We have since had a very long talk. He shared himself and talked about each of our brokenness in relationship to who we have been in our marriage, upbringing etc. He said he has to work on HIM first before he can work on US and I should be likewise working on me.
so it all was (I thought) revealing and honest. He did say this is absolutely NOT about another woman.??? I said it sure looks like it is.
Then he said that both therapists(apparently he saw 1 last week, which I knew about and 2nd one in same practice today) think he may "need some time alone". I said what does that mean? he said you're reading way into it. there you go(all the while in a very calm voice) I said I don't know what Christian therapist would tell a man with five kids to move out on his family.
as for the bills, WS has not been responsible for our money ever. he did initially as newlywed but left me do that. we have always been slightly housepoor as we buy houses that we "grow into" financially. now he says he wants control of the bills, etc. i am not opposed but my gut is telling me he wants $ for something else. i asked him if that is why he inquired about the bills, to see if he could afford to live elsewhere. he got a defensive posture and said, 'now now, don't go there" or that more or less.
am i a fool? being duped? what is up with this guy? it was a very deep discussion. he shows little compassion for my tears. i did tell him how lucky it is for him to have this "me time" to self-actualize amidst the kids, their needs , etc. he says he must do this for himself. ugh
thoughts?

Let him know that you think it's wonderful that he is interested in being involved with the household finances. And that, henceforth, you will being working on them. Together.

The counselors are full of it. It is dangerous to work on issues apart. Couples work on them together. It's actually pretty worthless (as we've mentioned before) to attend counselling when at least one of the spouses are in an actual affair. Unless you're working with the Harleys. Have you considered that? They don't do the warm & fuzzy "contemplate your naval" type counselling. They save marriages. Big difference.

there you are . yes i have contemplated it, but WS says this is his time to work on him and i know he would not consider it, considering he just told me that this is NOT about another woman. i know i am being emotionally lambasted and it hurts like h*ll.
i did tell him thank you for leading(that is one of our core marital issues, he got busy being a workaholic early on and left me with the kids, bills, and all decisions). so now i guess he had some emotional awakening and he's suddenly "aware" of how much i have emasculated him. honestly, i don't remember being a nag, et. i learned to keep my mouth shut, do my job, but he keeps reminding me of what a shrew i've been.
this is so hard-he keeps saying that he wants this stellar, emotional marriage, but perhaps not with me. it's like a kick in the teeth over and over. the 'ole "we'll see how this goes" speech.
i am left wondering and confused tonight. but peace that now he can stress over the $. little funny: my WS is super generous and said that there will be NO CHRISTMAS this year, except the two youngest will get a small gift. so unlikely!

Who have you told about his affair?

Well, okey-dokey, then. Let him take over the finances (it'll be a nice breather for you to not have to deal with paying the bills on time, etc.

But you've got to make sure you're set up to 'look over his shoulder' while he's doing this, and without his knowledge. You need to keep an eye on where the money goes.

Do you have joint checking and savings? Joint credit cards? Make sure you can access your account info online. Don't let him know you're doing this. He may make a misstep and leave a paper trail. (Florists, dinner out without you, hotels, etc.)

MIP, why are you participating in your WH's mind games? He is rewriting history like mad so he will come out of this situation smelling like a rose and you will look like the Wicked Witch of the West who cut his roundies off and oh, look, miraculously he will find the love of his life JUST after you guys get divorced.

Exposure of the fact that he is having an affair NOW prevents him from being able to play that. Concentrate on getting something solid that proves he is having an affair and then let everyone know about it. Quit getting into these convos where he is just jerking you around to keep you off balance. Get centered, get your intel and EXPOSE!

Also, if you hand over control of the finances right now, he will gut them like a fish. WS are notorious for using family finances to pay for trips to Vegas with their new honeys. Or maybe a ticket to CHINA?

He does not have your family's best interests in mind right now. You have to get control of the situation or he will spend every credit card to its limit to go "bond" with his OW, then dump you and the kids in a divorce that he blames on you and your "nagging".

i don't know what to say. i gave him the checkbook this a.m. he said i am sorry for this mess. do i call the pi and ask her to start right now?
i am feeling very confused and upset. thank you for your thoughts.

You do need to watch this, mom. That's why I said you should keep a tight eye on the finances. Check online every day - a few times a day.

My concern is that he is addressing his financial sitch to see where he can come up with the scratch to get a place of his own. If that's the case, he's going to suddenly pull out enough for a security deposit and the first/last month's rent. That's a chunk of change. And you won't know it until after the fact. You need to be ready to wipe out the rest of the money if you see that happen.

You won't avoid this by refusing to hand over the financial reins, so I wouldn't bother getting into a tug of war over who's paying the bills. I would normally suggest that the BS wipe out most of the money and put it in a new account that is safe from the WS's hands. I don't think you're in a position to do that yet.

Anything from your PI?

Yes, this is a terribly stressful time for you and you are getting a lot thrown at you by your husband--and us, as well!

I think a lot of betrayed spouses have trouble adjusting to the fact that their wayward spouses have actually moved into the "enemy" position. It's a shock to find that your friend and lover is now working against you. But until you make that adjustment, you're are always going to be coming from behind. Does that make sense?

Yes, get the PI right on it, look for emails, phone numbers anything that you can use as reasonable proof that there is an affair, because your WH is actively working to make it look like he is not adulterous and everything is all your fault.

The money thing--protect yourself and your kids. Limit any damage he can do and don't underestimate the damage he may do. Hang in there, MIP, we're behind youu!

thank you all. problem is work computer(laptop-password protected0 and work blackberry(also password protected) since i have accused him, he now erases his texts etc.

yes, i understand and yes, i am devastated. in the end of all of this, if he leaves(and i think he will) i want my kids. that is the crux of this. i know his threats are empty and false-but hearing it makes me sick to my stomach. he has erratic hours, works tons, has lots of stress and is a hands-off dad, so i KNOW in my heart the kids are with me, but it still makes me ill thinking...

thanks for support and compassion. i NEVER knew this was so awful. worst thing i have ever lived through, i think it's the ongoing-ness of it, ya know? it seems to never end(and i am probably in the beginning of it at 23 days

Your PI needs to start on this yesterday.

Mom, please tell me you have access to all of your banking records. Can you check accounts online?

yes, i can. we have a joint checking but there is one he has and one i have without each other on it...i don't think he online banks at all.

the pi did an initial run to our home and to his office already. she had told me surveillance thurs or fri and since WS's hunny is supposedly going to China this weekend for work, pi suggested they may want to say good-bye?

If he does not online bank, then how are you going to check the balances? He will start blowing all the money on the OW.

I would get control of the finances again....do not trust him. Or all your money will be gone gone gone!

Please talk to an attorney now about how to handle finances. You have just turned over your family financial future to your wayward H who has never before shown an interest in handling them.

This is too coincidental. He's doing it now (wanting to handle finances) for reason. Probably planning to move funds or try to put money where you can't get it. I think you handed it over because you were trying to please him thinking it would get him back. I think this is a bad mistake and he may already have moved funds....all he has to do is write a check off joint funds and put it somewhere you can't find it.

You are acting like you can trust him still, that he has your interests in mind, when in fact, he's the man who recently told you "he's done...wants out of the marriage". THAT IS THE MAN YOU'RE DEALING WITH NOW....THE ONE WHO WANTS OUT.

You need legal advice NOW.

Set up online banking for your joint accounts if you haven't done so already.

Whether or not he's paying the bills wouldn't matter if he wanted to write a check and wipe their account out, so it really doesn't matter who's paying the bills. All it takes is one swipe of the debit card.

I suspect he is assessing the situation to see where he can pull enough money to move out on, but still leave enough so his kids don't get screwed.

mom, I'll mention again, set up an online access to your accounts. Be ready to move money.

mom,

Please move money now - if something happens you will need a decent retainer for an attorney and to pay bills - the last thing you need to stress about is $$

I think it is too soon to do this, and it may well backfire on mom. Your call though, mom. My gut tells me he isn't going to leave this family destitute.

My experience tells me the courts would kick his [censored] if he did.

Mom, do you have printouts of past financial statements? Put them in a safe place.

I don't think you can count on the courts to "kick his [censored]" fast enough to prevent lots of problems. Look how many people here on this forum have had the courts move very slowly even when the Wayward spouse was withholding court ordered support. Some courts have given continuance after continuance while the custodial parent and children scrounge for money to keep a roof over their heads. I think the best solution is never get in the situation of losing control of a large part of the family finances.

He's said he's done. No matter how bad you want to save the marriage, you don't hand over everything to the one who says he's walking out the door.