My wife had a short-lived affair a couple of months ago that culminated sexually. She confessed a few weeks later, and the relationship has ended. We still are living together and are starting to implement the Policies of Radical Honesty and Joint Agreement.

We have been married for over decade with no children. Our lives have been very difficult in terms of our careers, and we were always very supportive of each others ambitions. We have similar interests, share mostly good conversation, and genuinely care about each other.

But my wife says she never romantically loved me. She married me because she thought I would be (and have been) a good, faithful husband. We have maintained a reasonably active sex life, though it was probably never what either of us had hoped for.

My wife says she feels no connection to me.

I admit that some of my habits and instincts were off putting and I am doing everything to correct that to help meet her emotional needs. Because the affair is still fairly recent she feels nothing towards me and keeps talking about wanting to leave to find true love. Yet she hasn't, because even though she recently became the chief breadwinner (at the same time the affair happened) I apparently meet a lot of the more basic emotional needs.

Is there hope for this? How can I possibly win the heart of a beautiful, intelligent, and successful woman who says she never loved me?

(On that score-we both have post-graduate degrees. I am currently finishing my doctorate, which is why the income flip happened.)

One additional bit of information: we have been to one counselor. It was helpful in processing the reasons for her affair-"we married young and my wife never lived on her own" was the conclusion for what it is worth. The counselor strongly suggested separation so she could get to know herself. My wife has promised to support me regardless of what happens through completion of my degree later this year.

Celtic, she is saying what most cheaters say during and after an affair. They feel they were "never in love" although you have evidence to the contrary. This is because of the contrast effect. An affair is an addiction that is based on a fantasy, much like a crack high. She is comparing you to this.

You most certainly can fall in love again if you use this program in its entirety. For example, if you spend 20+ hours per week of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate needs, you can fall in love again quickly.

This is all contingent on whether or not she has ended ALL contact with her adultery partner. Does she ever see or speak to him again?

Is the other man married, and if so, does his wife know of the affair?

First, I am trusting that she will tell me if she has contact with him. I do not snoop, although my wife also leaves her email and cell phone available and has not changed her passwords.

We live in the same, very large city as TOM. The last contact that she informed me of was over a month ago when he called to tell her he was recommitting to his marriage and going to counseling. It was apparently a very short conversation that resulted in her grieving openly for the affair a few days later.

Fire the counselor, and possibly hire a hitman to remove this kind of drivel from the Earth.

The conclusion is only this; She acted selfishly knowing full well what she was doing.

She is now justifying her behavior by claiming she never loved you.

You BOTH carried on in the marriage based on fairy-tale beliefs like "true love." It was lack of knowledge that lead you to where you are now, and so many are guilty of this because we had no way of knowing, and no need to seek it out until considerable damage has been done.

You need to start reading through the Basic Concepts, and the Q&A for How to Survive Infidelity.

Your counselor doesn't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and is giving you bad advice. A separation only increases the risk of divorce and fuels the affair. Your counselor doesn't know how to save your marriage which is why he gave you such bad advice.

Let's just apply some simple logic to the separation advice. Lets say your car is broken down in your garage. Do you drive to Clevevand, Ohio to fix it or do you go in the garage and fix it under the direction of a master mechanic? Which is more likely to result in a car repair?

It is the same with a broken marriage. One has to BE THERE to fix it. Leaving does not fix it, leaving makes the problem worse.

The reasons above have absolutely nothing to do with why your wife had an affair. Marrying young and never living on her own has absolutely butkus to do with it. She had an affair because she has poor marital boundaries.

This is horse-pucky. She had an affair because she was bored and had no boundaries or respect for your M. Did you ask the counselor how having an affair would address the fact that your wife never lived on her own? At what point during the affair was she living on her own? How would having an affair 'fix' the fact that she 'married too young'?? There are NO justifications for betraying your spouse and marital vows! If your WW thought she married too young, why didn't she leave you? Do you see where having an affair is NOT a valid response to that??

Ask the counselor how many marriages she has saved. Ask her how many times she's moved out of her marital home so she and her husband could "work out issues." What a crock. People don't leave each other to work out childhood issues, blah blah blah! Where do these idiot counselors come up with that concept???

Heh. I did fire the counselor. Nicely.

She did hide a number of things from me over the years, then again, it was not until just before the affair that I sensed anything was wrong.

I have read the basic concepts and practically memorized How to Survive Infidelity. I have also ordered the books and am getting myself to a clinical psych and my priest on a regular basis.

How will telling you about renewed contact help anything? Secondly, if she is conducting her affair, you are the last person she would tell.


If you want to save your marriage, you should be snooping like a bloodhound.


I would strongly suggest that you move home and then expose the affair to the OM's wife and everyone else. This is the most likely thing to save your marriage.

If your wife is still in touch with her lover, she would tell you she wasn't so you wouldn't interfere with her affair.

You need to move back home, Sir, if you want to save this. Moving out simply enabled her affair.

Is the "contrast effect" as simple as I think it is, and is this in one of the books. I have ordered them..

I didn't move out. We have slept in the same bed every night since the affair.

It is as simple as you think it is. Her affair was based on a fantasy and she is comparing you to that. The solution is to create a romantic relationship to replace the vacuum left by the fantasy.

this is a must read: Men, Don't Leave Your Home!!

Good!!

OK, dumb question again: BS, WS? I can't figure them out.

Another dumb question: she really is over him. Or he her, I have had no doubt of that since she mourned the affair one night right in front of me and told me his wife had his Blackberry. She basically said over the weekend she knew it wasn't real.

She is not over the fantasy. I want her to feel romantically in love with me, don't get me wrong. But this fantasy is now her goal in marriage. We have an amazing relationship in so many ways, but it is what she calls "old people love." How can she get over the fantasy... or is a renewed relationship going to fulfill that in some way?

Celtic

1) She needs to COMPLETE withdrawal. To do so, she has to have NC whatsoever, and this will include; destroying any pictures, messages, emails, letters, mementos of the affair. Bringing up memory of the fantasy IS CONTACT and lengthens withdrawal.

2) You need to work TOGETHER to create romantic love. You can do this on your own for a while if you Plan A - you will eventually want her on board with you. In fact, it might be better if you Plan A for an amount of time that YOU determine before sharing anything MB with her. Create that environment of romantic love, and use MB principles to guide her, without revealing them to her.

You are doing a grand magic act which creates a reality and not an illusion. Don't show her the mirrors before you show her the trick!

BS= betrayed spouse
WS= wayward spouse

It sounds to me like your M (marriage) got worn in and 'comfortable', sort of like an old shoe. You don't want your M to be an old shoe. Can you blame her if she doesn't either? Again, that in no way justifies her A (affair). Both of you contributed to the condition your M is in today, and both of you can fix it. It's going to involve restoring romantic love to your M. Yes! You can do it! Get started reading on this site - read the articles on how affairs begin, how to end them, and how to restore romantic love to your M.

Regarding the what she was doing on her own:

She was out of town on business for four weeks, having just become the chief breadwinner. I visited her for a few days but was finishing a summer course and had to go back. I met TOM and his wife while they were out there, but she likewise had to leave to go back to work a couple days before my wife returned. It was at that point things got out of hand.

I feel terrible for the poor woman. I suspect this was not his first affair, as she seemed very angry when I met her.

What is YOUR opinion of what your M was like, particularly during those first "honeymoon" years? Was there romance involved? Was it fulfulling?

Never trust a WS's version of a M's history.

I also wouldn't encourage conversation that leads to her stating stuff like she never romantically loved you.

Thanks, Marital Bliss. I have noticed that when our relationship starts feeling "normal" she can grow more distant, and it seems we do better coming out of states of conflict. I just can't live like that forever! I am trying so hard to find a new, exciting shoe, but I just can't seem to make it last longer than a few days.