I have read so many posts and I have to say if just have of the things I read were happening to me I would feel better.
2 little Girls ages 4 and 6 I love to pieces and married i thought was happy
My story.
D-day august 9 4 days before my 10th anniversity. I found out by a key logger that my wife was having a full blown love affair with my neighbor(he is single 15 years older and next door 10ft away). I talked to her that night and we decided to work things out but she told me she had feelings for him. Long story short 3 weeks later i was filling for divorce because she lied about everything. She didnt stop seeing him. In fact slept with him for the first time hrs after our first marriage conciling appt. I learned all this by her best friend. She called me and said that she has been completely bullshiting me.
I could go on for days about the past 3 weeks. It a nutshell she planned marriage they bought a house(he did) and planned everything. Including what she wanted in a divorce before i even filed.
The next 4 weeks were complete torcher I had to watch my wife and him sit ft away from me drinking wine and planning there future on his front porch. Watch her on weekends go out with him buying furniture, dishes and planning there new house together.
Again there is so much more but tryng to keep somewaht short.
About the end of september I started to give up and just not show any emotion around her. I planned a night out with another mom(going through same thing) that was simply 2 people going out for a few drinks to let off some steam. The very next day my wife came to me and said she wants to really try to work things out.
The first couple of weeks were ok but then the last few weeks have complete torcher.
We both are seeing people but we are having trouble communicating. She has done somethings for me.
She tells me she is dedicated to me and working it out.
She shows me some effection and passion.
But
She refused to tell him that it was over and dont contact me ever again.(She doesnt want to ruin her options)
She tells me basically that I need to show her good times or I will push her into his arms again.
All my needs are a fight( ex. Had fun day with family on the way home I noticed a motorcycle with a girl on the back of it. Instintly i went into my funk because that was one of the first lies I found out. Instead of somehow helping relieve the pain she gets mad and tells me. How long is that going to bother u and now I'm thinking of that great time with him)

Am i supposed to hold everything in and just make sure she gets her good time until I blow my top.

So many more completely damaging things I could write.

I need help. Maybe I can get it here with people that have gone through this gut wrenching problem that I have. Im an emotional disaster waiting to explode and sometimes I just want give up.

I would file for divorce and get away from her and her affair. If that means you have to move out and take the girls,I would do it. Preferably, you want to sell the house and get away from there, but I realize that is probably hard to do. The next best thing would be to get her legally removed by filing on grounds of adultery.

SEcondly, I would file a restraining order on the OM and keep him off your property. The fact that he has come in your home makes me wonder about you. Why would you allow such a person to darken your doorstep?? He should never be in your home or around your children.

And lastly, dating other people is ADULTERY. You are a married man. You can't very well object to her adultery when you are doing the same thing.



Your wife is a manipulator and a cake eater, but I blame this on you. You have permitted this to a shocking degreee.

Johnson,

> If you've truly read "so many posts" on this site, you should know that you should NOT be "dating". You are now having an affair.

> If your wife won't commit to No Contact with the OM, then you need commit to a plan. Start with Plan A and them move onto Plan B as the situation warrants.

> If you cant do either of the two above listed things, then you need to file for divorce.

I agree with MelodyLane that your wife is a cake-eater and you have a spine made of Jello. Either stand up for your marriage or move along.

aBetterMe

Wow I may agree with the last sentence but the other are alittle harsh
I not sure in texas but in new york if i did try to take kids out of my house away from wife i would be putting myself in big trouble. He has never been in my house after the affair. Before that yes because we were all good friends.
A restaining order I tried and it may work for a week but I cant prove anything that would hold up in court
Dating your correct is adultery however a few drinks and crying over what crap our lifes have become I wouldnt cosider that a date
Again Im here for help.

You need to start fighting this affair and contact an attorney to get your family away from this OM. In many states [even no fault ones] you can file for divorce and get primary custody of the children. That is what I would do, but first see if you can get her legally removed.

This is a terrible situation that will NEVER be resolved until you move away from the OM. <-----that is where I would start if you want to save this.

And we are here to give you help, but you are sorely in need of a wake up call, Sir. This has got this bad because of YOUR lack of action.

Seeing other people will not help your marriage and will look very bad in a court situation. It also teaches little kids that it is ok to date when you are married.

Yes I do agree that I should of taken action.
The good news is he is moving in the next week. So Im sure things will get better.
Just to make sure everybody is understanding me
My wife and I r still in the house and we are trying to work it out, Things are not completly lost we have some moments of good times. I believe she isnt contacting him nor is he anymore. She canceled her email and I watch the phones like a hawk.

Let me clarify this date thing. I was getting a divorce(papers were served and still on on record). I went with her and another person for a few drinks only 1 time. There has been no contact after those few drinks and I have not seen her. I told my wife this. I was not trying to hide anything.
I do understand what everybody is telling me but please can we move on.

What does this mean? Did you have a restraining order taken out against OM? On what grounds did the court grant that?

Ask her to leave. If she won't then you can file for divorce and look into have her legally removed.


Going out, having drinks with a member of the opposite sex and discussing problems in your marriage is how many affairs begin. This kind of behavior is detrimental to any progress you may hope to make with your wife. If you need to talk to a friend, I suggest a MALE friend.


And we're here to help, but we can tell from experience you require a few 2x4's and a harsh wakeup call. Try not to take offense. Rather take the words for what they are: honest and straight forward advice.

In that case, I would suggest getting the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program outlined in there. [they sell it cheap on this website] There is a very narrow path for recovery and deviations are a disaster. A marriage that doesn't go through extraordinary measures of recovery after an affair is a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage and repeat affairs are often the result.

here

Lawyer told me that I can start paper work for one but if I can't prove any wrong doing It will not work. They will not grant it on a home wrecker unless there was physical or mental abuse against my children. Her name is on the mortage also and I can ask her to leave but i cant force unless she was physical abusive.

Johnson,

Your statement above is why we were under the impression you were currently dating another woman. Perhaps you MEANT to say, "We WERE seeing other people but are no longer"? Either way, you have an opportunity to re-read anything you type before you post it. Good communication skills, as you are now painfully aware, is critical in any situation where you are trying to elicit information or provide information within any relationship, (online, in marriage, etc).

Please take the time to communicate clearly with us and it will make it easier for us to stay focused.

Sorry for the seeing people thing.

That meant we are both seeing professional help apart not together. We are planning going together in the next week or so.

I will try to explain things better so this dont happen again. Was worked up reliving the past few month and didnt clearly explain the situation.

How much have you read here? Are you familiar with "Plan A" and "Plan B"? Are you aware of the reasons why the concept of "No Contact" is critical?

Please bring us up to speed on what you know. You're floating in hopelessness but you have the tools here to create a plan instead.

Im trying to understand A and B
Part A is getting her to stop A and work on marriage
Part B is getting out to make her understand what she is losing

Johnson, things will make a lot more sense if you pick up the book Surviving an Affair. If the OM is moving next week, you have a CHANCE to save your marriage so Plan A and Plan B will not be relevant. plan A and Plan B are for when the affair is still ongoing.

Melody,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't side like this affair is over according to Johnson's statement above. And sure the OM is moving but that won't neccessarily end the affair either. And how far is he moving? 5 miles, 5,000 miles?

Johnson,

Have you exposed this affair to everyone??

Yes everybody knows of the affair. Freinds,family,nieghbors.

He is moving about 5 miles away. I have no proof that it is still going on. I check the car mileage,cell phone have key loggers on both computers and there is no evidence. I cant be sure because of the lies.

I would strongly suggest renting a place until he moves. Get your family out of there until he moves. And put your house on the market anyway because living there will be a painful trigger for you both.

Melody, he states above that the OM is moving in the next week.

You can't rent a place and move in that amount of time.