ManinMotion:

Yeah, I avoid the "I never loved you" as much as humanly possible.

We came from fairly conservative backgrounds and our first married years were fun but awkward! Don't want to get into TMI!

But yes, we enjoyed doing so many things together and I thought we had a connection(!), and when she came back from the affair she wanted to do them all immediately. We watched our favorite movies, went to our favorite museums and restaurants, etc., in the 19 days between the affair's culmination and her confession. She says she thought I would leave if she told me and says she never intended to, but her guilt got the best of her, either consciously or subconsciously.

Celtic, the key to falling in love again is to spend 20+ hour per week of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate needs: affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. This has to be spread over a 7 day week so that means you should be spending every night together. Traveling apart leads to detachment and will impede your goal.

It doesn't matter if your marriage was not very passionate or romantic before, it CAN be if you implement this program.

Celtic, I would also strongly suggest that you contact the OM's wife and touch base with her. Make sure she knows all about the affair and is watching from her end. This will be great insurance against the affair.

1) She needs to COMPLETE withdrawal. To do so, she has to have NC whatsoever, and this will include; destroying any pictures, messages, emails, letters, mementos of the affair. Bringing up memory of the fantasy IS CONTACT and lengthens withdrawal.

HeadHeldHigh:

Thank you for this advice. There is still one picture, on her Facebook page of all things! I agreed to let her keep it when she destroyed the others. Very few people know the truth of what happened, including none of her family and only my sister.

I actually am not sure how to find her, but OK! Will keep that in mind. Randall

OK... hard question.

Intimacy has happened since diclosure. It ain't easy. She does not feel like it most of the time. Obviously this needs to be a mutual thing... Does the sexual intimacy come last if necessary?

Well then, either the picture, or FB needs to go. He isn't friended on her FB, is he? That needs to go!

Do you have full access to her FB, email, and phone? Do you know how to check your phone records via the computer? Get on top of it! Contact resets the clock! Kill it!

Be patient with it. Once withdrawal is done intimacy should restore. I suppose some spotty intimacy is better than "show and pony" intimacy to cover up her continuing transgression.

You may also run into some "hysterical bonding." I'm not all hip on the regular description here, but in my case it was like the whole "new relationship" situation in the SF department.


Patience, padawan.

I would get rid of any reminders of her OM. That will prevent her withdrawal and it is extremely disrespectful to you.

He's not on Facebook.

So...

I guess those of you who have read this don't buy the "I never loved you" thing. I suspected that may be the case... since I have had trouble buying it myself! The problem is she is committed to the idea. Completely. It makes her pretty angry if I tell her I just don't believe it.

Here's a bright idea; don't believe it, and don't tell her that you don't!

Ding, ding, ding!

It's "fog talk." She is only focusing on negative aspects of your M to justify her A. The idea that she was never in love with you is her way of saying that sleeping with another man was kosher. It wasn't. She knows it, but will continue with this, and many other justifications, to stop from facing the fact that she did something selfish and cruel to someone who loves her.

Ack. Shouldn't post before I'm done.

Don't wait for explanations or apologies. They may never happen. They aren't really needed. If you follow MB, you may eventually get them, but don't dwell on it. Don't let an apology or an explanation be your motivating factor for recovering your M. Love, protection, and care are the motivating factors for recovering your M.

Capice?

HeadHeld:

Thanks again. I have not dwelled on the apology, although some mediocre ones have come. As for the fog talk, I wish I had thought of that myself. About 8 weeks ago!

What you have here is an immature woman. She has ideas about love that revolve around the fantasy love and euphoria that exists in the beginning of relationships.

Lots of people get caught up in it.

I�m going to be the contrarian here. I see no reason for a BS to stay in a marriage after they�ve been cheated on when there are no kids in the picture. I�m in the minority, but I�m disclosing that viewpoint up front.

My question to you is this: Why are you going to settle for being with someone who has to be convinced to love you?

You asked earlier how you could make a beautiful and intelligent woman fall in love with you? Easy. Show some self respect. Show this cheater the door, wish her a good life and never speak to her again.

Then, find out how and why you met such an immature woman with such poor boundaries, avoid anyone who is like that, and find women who have realistic views on love and life and who wish to settle down and have children.

Her view that your love is �old people love� shows that she has unrealistic and idealistic views about love and marriage. You will never please a woman like this or meet her expectations.

I know you wish to save your marriage. Give it every try. The things I say are things you have to conclude on your own in the end, but I offer you the idea for you to chew on.

You do not need to settle for a cheater. You have no kids. Kick her to the curb, find a good woman, and forget about this one.

And as a BS, you'll have fog thoughts.

So, let's get this out of the way; nothing about being in this situation is right, fair, justifiable, excusable, or OK.

It cannot be undone, you can just try to make things better than they are now, and/or were before. Everyone thinks things were OK before, sometimes even the WS after they come out of the fog.

The ONLY reason to view the past, and view past mistakes from here out, for either of you, is to PREVENT THEM FROM REPEATING. They cannot be fixed, they are not argument fodder for today or tomorrow.

However, you WILL think about the past, as it is a natural part of the grieving process, and you WILL grieve. You HAVE lost something emotionally tangible.

But, like any other loss, you are going to have to find a way to move forward.

Unrealistic? Yes.

Idealistic? No.

Man, I HOPE I have me some "old people love." This generation of octogenarians and above are an amazing people when it comes to love and commitment.

When I watch a little old lady sitting by her husband, holding his hand all day, even though he sleeps through 90% of the day, and no longer remembers her; THAT is love. THAT is commitment. THAT is what a true, ideal love brings about at the end of your life.

Please! Give me some "old people love!"

Did you see this post, Celtic?

Just to make sure there is no confusion, Marriage Builders is not about "old people love", but about passionate, romantic love. It is not about peaceful co-existence or settling. Done properly it will achieve passion and romance. The difference between this and affair love is that it is not based on a fantasy and it is SUSTAINABLE. Since affairs are tenuous, short term relationships, that feeling can't last.

Celtic, all you have to do is get your wife's agreement to try this program. She doesn't have to "believe it," she just has to try it. If you can afford phone coaching, I would sign up with Steve Harley with Marriage Builders. He can sell her on the prospect of having a passionate, romantic marriage with you.

The difference between Marriage Builders coaching and traditional counseling is that MB really does work. Check out this article: What is Marriage Coaching?

This does not describe what Marriage Builders means, though. It is about heart thumping, infatuated, rip your clothes off kind of love. MB is not talking about peaceful co-existence, but passion.