ok, he forgt his blackberry. found it on bed. was open!!!!!! found emails/texts with secratary requesting direct deposit change. pi said take pics. also she said get as big a cash advance on your credit cards as you can. good advice? sorry my hnads are shaking really bad.

i wonder if he could be coming here and reading? i have no idea but he does update my computer on the weekend....ugh i am sick

GO SEE AN ATTORNEY TODAY!

MAKE COPIES OF ALL FINANCIAL RECORDS!

WITHDRAW AS MUCH CASH AS POSSIBLE AND OPEN A NEW INDIVIDUAL BANK ACCOUNT AT A NEW BANK!

KEEP A WRITTEN LOG OF EVERYTHING GOING ON AND EACH STEP HE TAKES AND YOU TAKE!

Do not rely on guilt of a ww and the court system
Get to the bank TODAY

Clean out your accounts. Right now. As quickly as you can. Close any open credit card accounts that you can.

I would say yes. Are the credit cards in both of your names? Can you max them out with a cash advance?

mom, what else did you find on his phone?

your are living my life three years ago last month - your hubbie is not thinking straight - I also paid all the bills etc and all of a sudden an interest in banking - he didnt even have a check book or the online pw - protect yourself - I am sorry to say
this confirms something is going on with this woman - dont worry about upsetting him - he is an alien right now I assume you have read about that on ths site by now.

I have a busy day hope someone can counsel you as needed today!

thank you all. ws came home at 9am, our 5yr old was in the middle of vomiting and i was rushing around with wet hair to go to a dr's appt(long awaited for a bad shoulder) i said what are you doing here? he said i am here to work on the finances. i said can you watch kids while i go to the dr(normally i would NEVER leave a sick child but since ws is leaving i have to take advantage of my healthcare while i have it) so ws casually said have you seen my phone? i said i haven't seen it. he has since found it(hee hee) and now he's laying on our bed with little dd working on spread sheets to figure out where the money goes...have at it. it'll keep him busy for awhile!
i believe since his OW is leaving for china this weekend(if she hasn't already) he is "relaxing" up a bit. last night, he said to me as we sat discussing finances(again), you know i could take you in my arms right now and hold you, but well, gee, i don't know if i want to be with you or not. gag me . see i'm smiling
i shook all morning. frankly, nurse at dr's office calmed me down a bit. came home with some renewed strength and resolve. i did make copies of our tax returns(have one year left to do) hid paperwork, copied pic of his checking acct etc...
i see an atty tomorrow(thank goodness it's scheduled!). he is going to pester me to cancel these cards but i am going to put him off.
thanks to all-i feel like this is a nightmare that NO ONE should live through! i am going to be thin and gorgeous by the end of it though, 22lbs down in less than a month. i can't say that part of this "feels" good but i am not looking like a maternal, bloated alien anymore.
(((hugs))) to you for sharing yourselves with me at this critical time in my life

maritalbliss,
he also had a couple of texts to his secretary saying "this sucks. thanks for all of your support and help in this"????? and another one to her saying"can you come in here? i don't know if this is working or not, i think it is..." don't know what that one was about..
interestingly enough the OW's texts and emails are virtually nonexistent hmmmmmm

i have credit cards in my name and one in both-i have really good credit have probably 20 grand cash available to me if i wanted it...cabo anyone?

just walked into bedroom. he had his yahoo acct up quickly took it down. there was an unfamiliar name with things like fw.:credit report probably a few(5 or so).
i said show me what's in your trash he did nothing..

i said i don't like the feeilng that you are out to get me. we have five beautiful children and i have given you my life and devotion. he laughed and said i'm not out to get you. i am just trying to get a handle on these finances and how to fix it and to create a budget. he said laughingly you're somethin else
YES I AM and I AM GOING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF ALL OF THIS!!!(didn't say it but was thinking it)

Where is my bathing suit...I know it's in this drawer...

Thats funny - I moved exactly 20k to a 60 day CD in my name
My first impulse was to take the 70 in our jointsavings and buy a lexus in my name with cash - but we all know the minute you drive it off the lot it depreciates!

The yahoo reaction is of concern - remember the ww can go dark to with ow to cover their but - may have already consulted himself re how to proceed

Bumping for you, mom. What's going on? Are you okay?

thanks! yes, i'm still standing

yesterday was another marathon talking session- it's like he wants me to convince him why to stay and then at the end of it, he says "i just don't think i can be married to you" OKAY I GET IT. then get the frick outta here!!! he said the 3 reasons he's still here":God, the five kids, he loves me. i said wow those are pretty good reasons. he said he dreads coming home(that really hurts) he prefers being at work, where he is liked(i get the subtext of that one)he said there is no spark, no passion(another stomach kick)on and on. he said the therapist thinks it would be good for him to be on hiw own for awhile. i said most people don't get to check out of their life like that, especially with kids. i said you leaving will have a great impact on our kids. he said can i visit the kids. i said of course. then he will abruptly say "why don't you like me" i say i love you and i love the idea of us moving forward to a better relationship". then (this is after 2-3 hrs of talking) he says, i think i want to leave. i will borrow some money from (family friend). i said ok, if that is what you want. i leave room(upset but didn't let him know, call dd, she said mom knock it off,let him go(she's the msw candidate and a really smart cookie) and i go back into bedroom and say, WS, you know what. i want you to do what you want,, so you should leave. that seems like the best idea for now. but there are two rules: if you scr*w or date, all bets are off. he kind of nodded. and then i felt much freeer, i told him i can't keep him here against his will and i can't make him love me.(meanwhile i am getting much more in control of my emotions these days, at least when around HIM so no crying or snivvling)
so at bedtime, i tried on old jeans(now down two sizes! thank you cheatingbastardpredivorce diet!) and was kind of giddy about it. i said what's going on this weekend. he said i don't know, maybe have to work sunday for a release(these are planned WELL in advance so i am sceptical on this one-maybe apt hunting? was a thought) i said i can help you pack. he said where am i gonna go? i said i dunno you are the one who wants to leave. he said we can't afford it. i said you should have thought about that before you asked me for a D(all light-hearted), so...he also had talked to our 22yr old dd while i had our 6yr old at therapy, i said how'd that go? he said he's more conflicted than ever. haha! poor thing-our daughter is really sharp and will make an awesome counselor. she told me later she tried to be unbias but wanted to smack him. he kept putting things on ME and she would gently redirect and say, "this is about YOU. you asked for this and it's not on mom". i love that he's more confused now-ha!
moral of story-as day went on yesterday, i got more empowered and realized in my heart that if he wants to go, ultimately he's going to go. forcing him here isn't go to "keep" him here.
i am not one of the spouses here who had a really great relationship and marriage and my spouse went off the deep end-we have had lots of issues(his refusal to grow up, his detachment emotionally, his inconsideration, his poor leadership and more).
so if you have/had that kind of spouse i can't imagine the pain of this(and this is killing me!) but we have a pretty poor start. can it be rebuilt into something great? absolutely, but not without both of us.
dd also told her dad that leaving has consequences and if he doesn't like it, well he can't just waltz back in.she said certain people in this house could not take that and shouldn't have to.our 15yr old who suffers from depression couldn't take it. so....that's it for now. he's up gotta go

Your DD sounds like she'd make a great heir to Dr. Phil.

"How's that workin' for ya?" is what I kept hearing as I read about her talking to your WH.

thanks karmarose! i tell you, she is in her grad program and her field placement is at a rehabilitative center in the bowels of our great city . she does an amazing job with these older, other race men with whom she should have very little in common! it's strange, my older 3(22,20,15) all despise their father but when it comes to this final break, you can tell that they really want reconcilliation. he has no idea the damage he will cause
ps ow changed her facebook to complete privacy, i used to be able to look at her friends list, she had also changed her pic(which was a sort of sexy-ish pose) to her kids about 2 weeks ago. i'm on to you BEEEE OTCH!!!

last evening, ws and i went to grocery. on the way he began talking about ow, about an incident at work about how she aggravates him, about how she's going to be leaving and looking for a job elsewhere????????? prior to that he showed me a new phone ("they have boxes of them at work-which they may very well)and some new applications that apply to his car, so he told me ALL this detail about how you have a password, i casually said, "oh so there's an actual phone number" he said yes. BINGO. so this is how ws is talking to ow. AND he brought it into the house last night and put it with his "stuff:"(other blackberry, wallet, etc)
so my question is, it appears that ws is moving forward with ow, for her to leave the company i am guessing so that neither will be fired. i have been on plan a. he is mildly receptive but it always ends up in same final sentence "i don't think i want to be here" and "i think i want to be on my own for awhile". should i just kick hiim out? my nerves are raw and although i have gotten a MUCh better handle on my emotions outwardly, i am being eaten alive inside. my heart is so heavy and i know the outcome of this. i want to go into let it go mode so that i don't have to endure this extreme pain.

Mom: This is something you have to decide for yourself. I totally understand being eatene alive, being disrespected, not wanting to be taken on the painful ride that you see before you.

I did not follow MB to save my marriage. My H seemed hell bent on doing what he wanted, "being on his own". That meant he wanted a free pass from me to go be with OW. He wanted me to play nice and go away quietly but really....wait for him just in case he might want to come back some day.

I chose to tell him to leave and I divorced him. He's continued on a downhill ride for almost a year now. One I would have been on with him and probably couldn't have impacted. I chose to save myself and let him have his new life but without me waiting in the wings. I'm not going to tell you there's no pain involved but it was my pain and healing. I've disconnected from the mess of a life he has now and I didn't have to be on the receiving end of lying, cheating and disrespect. For me, it is the best thing I could have done.