Yes Schooner.

"I will work on this marriage only if you end your affair and all contact with OM. If you will not end your affair I release you from this marriage to pursue it. No middle ground, no "making your mind up". The affair ends now or the marriage ends now. ".

Not a threat: a simple fact.

Marital counselling will not help right now, and most are ineffective at any point. As you have seen. Can you counsel with the Harleys?

Hi! I've just ordered "How to Survive an Affair" and "His Needs Her Needs". Hopefully they arrive soon.

My WW is still refusing to write a NC letter. She still views the OM profile on FB (even though he has blocked her directly, she can access his page throught mutual friends - the curse of the FB, it's making it SO easy to have EA's).

The fact that I have confessed recently to my own PA's within the past week and a half, has given her a lot to be resentful about. I am so sorry for what I have done to her, the PA's, the bickering and the acts of violence and need to atone (if given the opportunity) for as long as needed. She is, of course, using this as an excuse. Without trying to sound callous, I need to focus more and more on her ending her affair, and only then give her the opportunity to shift the attention on me.

At this point I cannot give in an inch. We have had issues with her taking control and she has learned that others invariably give in.

Unfortunately things seem to heading more towards plan C - I guess my only option is plan B with me moving out, or is this just giving in?

Sigh, this is exactly what WW is demanding, that we end it right now and sell off the house and part ways. If that's to be, so be it.

I just think that if we do sell off the house, that's it - there'll be no opportunity to try - even after all that we have gone through, I will miss her so much. Somehow I am hoping for one last opportunity, a small miracle, a window in time in which we can somehow try to make up for all the hurt and try to reconcile.

I informed WW that I am not prepared at this stage to sell off and that we spend the coming winter to renovate (with the excuse of getting a better price next spring). Am I just wishing on a falling star?

If you still want to fight then fight. Re-expose every time NC is broken. Don�t have to prove how you know the truth. Never reveal your sources.

Renovating the house. Any way to stall usually a good idea.

Except how long have you plan A�d WW?

Hi,
This affair is proving to be very tough. Even though, I have exposed like crazy every time WW sends OM a facebook message, she still continues.

It has reached the point where I am putting the house up for sale and then it will be plan B until 15.4.2011 at which point plan D can be finalised.

It is now 38 weeks since D-day, with 35 weeks of really strong plan A, renewed contact (with SF) on 10.10.2010 and no willingness to end the affair.

In spite of this outcome, I am absolutely convinced that exposure is the way to go, my mistake was in not immediately implementing the marriage builders advice. Best wishes to all others in similar situations.

Have you exposed to Everyone?

Have you exposed your kids?

Schooner, how could you implement Plan B? Is there any way you could get her moved out with a legal separation?

Hi again,
It's now Sunday evening. The real estate agent came around on Friday and the estimate was less than we paid four years ago. This means that the pressure is off for the time being to sell and split up. The WW is trying to assert herself by insisting on all sorts of compensation for having caused her embarrasment by exposing using the message service of facebook.

The trouble is that she constantly views his photo's on the FB and even though I have sent the OM a text message insisting that he block her completely, he has not done so.

My problem is that due to her serious LB actions, my desire to rekindle the passion is at an all time low. At present, and for the last three weeks, I have not desire to even touch her. She, in addition, is very full of vindictive put downs. All in all, I am beginning to feel that I would be better off with a divorce. We have had a very bitter marriage all along and maybe I just want the rest - a three week holiday (alone?) would feel wonderful.

I have been reading 'How to Recover From an Affair' and can see what I should have done way back in February this year. Somewhere I need to summon the positive energy to continue. By the way, I started on anti depresants a week ago, perhaps I am also feeling their effect. People are saying that I appear uncharacteristicly apathetic. I admit that I do feel a bit numb.

Anyway, the situation has slightly improved, the WS is actually saying that maybe we should still give it a go. But, and this is the biggest setback, she will not send a written letter of NC to the OM. This, alone, seems to me to be a fairly large red flag.

Best wishes, Schooner.

She's got it completely backwards here. If she's saying stuff like this, she is still in a 100% wayward mindset.

And I always wonder why WS cry about exposure causing them "embarassment" and "humilation". If their affair is so wonderful and right, then why wouldn't they want everyone to know about it??


Dude, it's a red flag the size of a planet. And so is the first quote above.


A "go" for what? If she is SAYING this, but DOING the above, then she is just trying to see how far she can push you so she can still have her cake and eat it, too. I do not see where she has done anything at all to clean up her act.

Hi,

I hope somebody can clear up my confusion. My WW is out of work and does not have the funds to move out. At present, I would like to see her write the NC letter and send it to the OM. Seeing as how she refuses to do this, and is trying to cake-eat, the next step would be plan B with her moving out - but who pays her rent?

Regards, Schooner.

She does. Tell her that, if she does not agree to your requirements for the recovery of your M she can take her clothes and her FB pictures of OM and get the hell out. When she whines that she doesn't have money for an apartment tell her that's her problem. (And she should have thought of that.)

DITTO!

Schooner, I know that you love your WIFE. BUT the person whom you are living with and taking care of, is NOT YOUR WIFE. She is OM's affair partner. It's hard to get your mine wrapped around it. Your WIFE is GONE. She MAY one day, when she is willing to change, come back. She may be able to redeem herself once again, but YOU CAN'T HELP HER.

As far as where she would go and live, or who would pay, let OM, he wanted her. If she doesn't have that option, that is HER problem. Get your Plan A done and then move on to Plan B. Let your WW suffer the actions of infidelity. Understand that when she suffers her consequences, sometimes it will affect you too. That's okay, you will come out on top as long as you do your part. You can do this.

Tell her the OM wants to SF her then he should support her financially.

Tell you do not share women, or cover the expenses for other men's women.

Schooner, you aren't discussing Plan B with your wife, are you?

Plan B is a plan that you make ALONE, and you need to be getting your preparations made as soon as possible. At the beginning of Plan A you should get everything ready to go into Plan B immediately.

Hi,

Right now I'm in stalemate. WS will not write a letter of NC and continues viewing the OM's FB photos. I believe, after my persuasive discussion with the OM face to face, he will not readily contact my wife again. Still, there is no recovery.

I contacted a lawyer last week and I am in a better position than I imagined. It is entirely possible for me to buy out her share of the house and pay off her mortgage. At present, this is a very enticing proposition. She will then be able to buy her own apartment and the divorce will be granted in five months from now. Both my DS and DD will officially reside with her but both want to visit me as much as possible. Both pets, dog and cat, are not used to living in an apartment and will stay with me.

On the whole, now that the affair has exposed all the hostilities we have been dealing with throughout our marriage, this may be the better solution. In all honesty, I am looking forward to resolving this one way or another, at least this way I will end up living on my own terms. It's only now that I realise how much resentment I have held agaist WW.

This sounds as if I am throwing in the towel, perhaps in the long run this is what I have desired all along. To quote my own title "I guess this is now over". Still, I am applying MB plan A until the last minute. Thanks to all for all your kind support. Of all the websites visited, this one feels is for real. I certainly am hooked to this site and Dr. Harleys advice.

Best regards,
Schooner

Hello again,

I am still at home. I have caused so much fuss over each and every time WS has sent OM a message via Facebook, that others are beginning to think I have lost my marbles. The OM has not answered a single message. The WW does not want to move out let alone divorce. She insists that the PA is over (gaslighting of course) and that we should just get over it all and continue with our lives.

I am still in stalemate. I cannot force her to leave our home (she is a co-owner) and there is no point in selling off the house because then we would part ways. Likewise, if I bought her share of the house, she would have enough funds to buy her own apartment and would not have much incentive to return. At present she is here but will not send a letter of NC and still views his FB page daily.

I am at wit's end. I am somewhat in plan A with plan B in hand (which is actually plan D). Does anybody have any bright ideas on how to implement plan B? Any suggestions are more than welcome.

Best regards to all,
Schooner

P.S. I forgot to mention that WS was beginning a new chat on FB with another young man, in very similar circumstances to the one which developed into an EA and PA. I was able to halt this one before it got too far.

Hi,

Out of desperation I signed into my WW's FB account and sent a rude message to the OM in her name. I also deleted all her male friends who were also friends of the OM. In addition I deleted all her messages sent by other admiring men. By deleting these friends, she was not able to view the OM's facebook photos.

This was shortlived as she was able to reinstate a number of these friends and thus able to see OM's profile.

I also had sent the OM a derogatory message in her name via FB in the morning, to which he replied in same tone later this evening. What I did was not very ethical, but, it has had the effect of her having finally received a hurtful message from OM, and she is devastated! I have probably paid a high price for this, but to be honest, she was perfectly happy to just coast along, viewing his photo's and sending the occasional message, until they perhaps sometime meet again.

Have I committed too large a LB? How do I continue from here?

BR, Schooner.

Are you in a "sort-of" Plan A?