There could be a small chance my WH also asks for a leave of absence. I know he was thinking about it last year and the year before but then changed his mind. He seems to think about it every year and then...does not do it.
But even if he leaves I will leave as well (of course he will not go where I go, I know for sure.)
SHould I come back here I will have a different home and will not have the triggers I have now.
The thing is..the job I have here is really good. So I will have to think long and hard before I leave it.
blessing

{{{{{Atena}}}}....You did not do something wrong that made you deserve all this....I used to think this about myself also...but bad things happen to good people too....Bad people do bad stuff to good people all the time...

But we will triumph through all this crap...Bad people will not, it may seem that way temporarily....But theirs is a deep, soul killing, self inflicted Bad, That may take a while...Ours is a wound inflicted upon us by someone else. Our souls are still intact and our heads can be held high with no guilt.

Our treated wounds will heal, atena, and they will fester in their own gangrene from the wound they inflicted upon themselves , just covered with a bandage and ignored, thinking it will just go away itself. Eventually it will eat away at their soul. They may seem fine on the outside, but evil is eating them on the insides.




Ahhh, sorry I think I got a a little carried away. But that is how I feel about it.

I thought about this myself too. I thought of it in two ways. I look at every experience as a way to LEARN. Every experience that I have had before today, good or bad, has made me into who I am today. That means that every experience I have today, will make me into who I am tomorrow. So, live and grow.

Also, I pray every morning and every night that my WH and OW feel the consequences of their actions, I forgot that sometimes, those consequences will affect me too.

Like Still said, we will grow and become BETTER from our experiences, where the waywards, who choose to remain wayward, will NOT.

Hi all,
I went to visit my mom and brother this week end, they live 3 hours from me. I told them I am seriously thinking to take a year leave of absence and they went up the wall. My mom started crying saying that I am almost 50 and that I will never settle...that I have a good job here and their support and they do not understand why i want to go back to the states even if only for a year.,,,to do what? What do I think...that things are easy over there?
They think I am letting WH dictate my future because I still think too much about him and make him influence me to the point where I have to move. They do not understand why i do not see WH for what he is, a fool and cruel SOB.
I stayed calm and explained and they still were upset.
When I left to come back home it was raining and my car slid and I hit the railing on the road (very windy roads). Fortunately nothing happened but I did not have the courage to tell my brother or mom so I am putting it down on the forum just to get it out.
I am kind of scared of being alone and having to face big changes even if I know they could be good. I hate to see my mom cry and my brother upset...and risk my life because of all the tention in my life...
blessing

Bump...
and also to complete the stress, a colleague just came in and said that it is ok to stay married till something better comes along (refering to my WH)...I just can't believe the guts people have! Plus she advised me to stop being angry and find myself a sexual partner....
I did nothing to her to begin this conversation..I was just sitting and smiling..nothing else.
blessing

bump

Your best bet is to get out of that country and move to the states. I still agree on that, if people don't understand the pain you are enduring then they won't understand why you need to move.

And please don't take advise from people that you don't want to switch places with.

I am looking for jobs. Again, in education they open up later, probably in the spring.
I am ready to leave, really.
I would not want to be living the life of the people who do not want me to move. That is so true...
blessing

Hiya Atena

Sorry to hear about your car accident, I hope that you are ok.

It is so important that you make decisions that are right for you, and not what anyone else thinks.

You have been in Plan B for such a long time, and like you are doing it is a great time for you to move on. You are making baby steps towards this, but have a plan to get him out of your life once and for all.

Your mother and brother are only upset as they want to see you happy and closing the door on your WH. You can show them this though, through how you live, and choices you do to make yourself happy, not what others want. So what if your 50 and decide to move? Thats almost like saying that it is wrong to have kids to young or too old! Its about whats right for YOU.

Atena, you must speak up and not let your colleague speak to you like that! God you sound like I use to be! You a strong brilliant women!! Put that colleague in her place. You are so much how I use to be. When I first came here all the work on boundaries has put me in a good place and would have let her know in some uncertain terms that her unsolicited advice was not required. You don;t come across as angry at all, you come across as a good kind women, who got involved with the wrong man.

Although you can only make the right decisions for yourself, there is some sense in what the people around you are saying. I prefer to ask for advice, rather than be given unsolicitied advice.

However, I do remember JL saying to me once, that those around you who seem very insensitive and abrupt are also quite useful at giving a straight view of the situation. Not sure if it applies here.



Please please, make your life a success Atena. You really deserve it. If you are angry with your WH, and it sounds like you got over that sometime ago, then the best way to seek revenge is success.

Harmony

PS

its Atena time!!

You sure you didn't mean "Antena?" HAHAHAHAHAHA

Atena, people don;t understand Plan B. They don't understand what DrH knows to be true. They go off of their own personal experience and they try to help you. They really mean well, they just don't know how to help.

I would suggest that you get as dark as possible now, and even make plans in case you don't go to the Sates.

Atena,
First hugs.
I guess your family must be I-talian. I am familar with that "beast". it is call Italian Guilt and my family loves to throw it on thick every chance they get.

Your Mom and brother are giving you the good arguments about why you should not leave. The real reason is that they do not want you to leave THEM. Plain and simple.

So what you are almost 50. If you can take a leave for a year and WANT to then you should.

Sorry it was a double whammy with first your family and then the accident.

Change is difficult. I am facing with selling my home next year and what my next move will be. Some days it paralyzes my thinking but when the time comes I will have a plan.

Your life is already a success it just got railroaded a bit.

blessings.

Thank you Scotland. Yes, I have to make plans for both scenarios here or in the States. jobs are hard to get over there and I need an extra piece of accreditation that I do not have..so. But I want to be optimistic and the right job is out there waiting for me...
blessing

Yes, my family is Italian living in Italy where everybody agrees with them and thinks I am crazy...they just think I am irresponsible. They say I am blessed with a good job and should not spit on it nor be ungrateful....
By the way I am not 50, but 45, but to my mom ...she always says she is older (she is 76 but says she is 80..) go figure why...I guess it adds more drama if you are older! So she makes me older too.....!!!!!
Change is difficult but I live each in every day as if I were in a nightmare...this house...the OW right in front of my eyes...at work trying to avoid him...people I know who know him and see me as the abandoned wife...
I know it is just a mental thing..the nightmare thing...but it takes such a huge amount of energy every day to remind myself that life is what I make it and if I allow OW and WH to make me miserable then it is my choice.
Thank you for everything
blessing

Hi all,
sorry I only come here to vent. I am looking for jobs in the states and for sure, if god wills, I will at least spend the all summer over there.
It is hard. As it is now, I do realize that seeing WH at work and OW at home is not at all conducive to my recovery. I can't help noticing when her car is parked in front of my apartment building (then I knwo she is home) and when is not (then I know she is with him)and week ends are the worse because she spands the night at his place (I know because the car is not there..)
Is pure torture. Is this A never ending? How can it possibly be?
I listen to MB radio daily and Dr H keeps repeating that 95% of A end within 2 years...that they are just fantasy etc...but by now, after more than a year in plan B, OW seem to be able to meet WH needs just fine...
He must have hated me so much by the end that he will never think of me again...
I do love him still....I am just waiting for my love bank to be below zero..but when is this going to happen.
OK, I do keep busy, I have friends, do sports twice a week, belong to a meditation group. I am also planning 2 trips in europe...what more can I do?????????
Any words of encouragement will help....I just want to be happy as much as WH is...it is not fair.
blessing

You need to understand that knowing you are in the same building THEY KNOW you are watching and it just makes their fantasy more interesting and more enticing.

That is why we kept telling you TO MOVE out and to get away from your husband, now can you see?

Until he knows you are gone then the reality will set, so really you can't count that whole year you have been in "plan B" because you haven't, not at all.

Once you move then is where you can start counting the day's you have been in plan B.

Leave that job and move away. That will help EVERYTHING! I'm sorry I wished you had listened to our advise when you first came here, I'm just glad that you are finally taking the action to get out of your situation.

Atena, would it help if you rented yourself a little place elsewhere and spend the rest of your time until you move to States there?

I cannot imagine that you see their life every day. It will affect your health sooner or later.

Thank you for your replies but I just wanted to remind you all that for almost a year I was NOT living in the marital home. I spend from October 09 to Aug 2010 away from there. When my energies and financed were consumed I moved back to the marital home.
SO, for a long time in plan B WH and OW knew I was NOT in the marital home spying. And that did not effect the A one bit.
I was gone for good part of my plan B so I do not think that it was all wasted....
It must be that they are truly in love or that she is so easy on him catering to him at his door step (she is basically OW delivery, he calls up and she shows up at his door step..she does house calls....) He couldn't ask for better
--her kids do not go with her when she visits him, she leaves them with XH
--she has a car, he does not. If he needs rides she is there for him
--she has no education he is highly educated. SHe is full of admiration for him
--they only spend quality time together, then she goes home and deals with her brats and he has all his independence and free time to relax and do what he wants
--our son is in the states,,,asks nothing of us
--WH has enough money to take care of all he needs.....

Now tell me ....how does me living in the marital home can top it off with all the amenities this A has already????
Please take a close look at it and be honest with me....
blessing

Living there affects YOU, atena...You. Who cares about how it affects those affair [censored]....We are worried about YOU. {{{atena}}}}