Go Mark, Go! You can't make WW stay, but you can keep the communication pipeline open. No matter how angry she gets at the exposure, remain calm. Let her know that you love her, your life together, and you are doing whatever it takes to save your M.

PERFECT. Keep it up!

If it's possible to expose to important people on the OM's side -- his parents, his siblings, his children, since he has no wife anymore -- they should be your next target.

You may want to expose to the divorced friends about the extent of the affair, as they may not have been aware of their role in aiding & abetting the affair.

My wife is LDS. I used to be LDS myself and served a mission in California, turbo-Mormon style until about 8 years ago (a story for another time). My exposure also included her bishop.

Don't forget her Visiting Teachers and Relief Society President and/or counselors. They will be important as they are part of the ward correlation committee meetings and aren't under the same confidentiality restrictions as the Bishop and other members of the PEC. Also your wife's former counselors in the Primary Presidency are people who's opinion she valued, or she would not have selected them. Make the affair the big thing EVERYBODY is talking about in church this Sunday.

Exposure works, bud. Keep up the good work. I'm rooting for you.

I served in CA also, although I am a bit older than you are. We may have knocked on some of the same doors. Bay Area for me- how about you? Primary counselors are among the church friends that I referenced earlier, so they are aware.

Transparency Disclosure: I am a Jew by blood, Agnostic by belief, Baptist-raised, former Disciples of Christ board chair. So don't yell at me if this is a dumb question:

What's the deal with the divorced friends? Are they in the Church? (that's what I mean by 'dumb question' - I don't know what the LDS's stand is on divorce and membership. Although I should, since I've been just about every stripe of faith but Wiccan, LOL.)

Can pressure be brought to bear on them for condoning your WW's A? Can you talk to a Church leader and mention their condoning the A? Is that something that would help exposure? I don't mean to get them in trouble in their Church, but it would seem to me that they should be standing firm with the Church in denouncing this A, not condoning it. Their approval of the A weakens everybody and helps no one. KWIM?

@markc5466 California Arcadia 1992-1994 (Northeast LA). Knew my wife for several years beforehand, and married her four months after I got home in September of 1994. Never regretted marrying her for a minute, even when doctrinal & historical concerns forced me to acknowledge my lack of trust in the promises of Christianity. It wasn't religion that brought us together -- although it was a church dance -- it was mutual compatibility and a wonderful dovetailing of interests and sharing.

Glad to hear your exposure targets. You have no idea what rage is until she rages at you over this exposure. Mine raged twice: once when I exposed to a number of people who contacted her, then again several months later when I told her all the names to whom I exposed who had NOT contacted her. So, for your best chance at a later recovery without a second blow-up, tell her you exposed to everybody you could think of

I can help with that a little bit. The LDS church recognizes two types of marriage: earthly marriage, or "temporal" marriage for life only, and temple marriage, or "eternal" marriage which ostensibly continues after death.

If a couple has not been married in the temple, infidelity with immediate repentance and no-contact is often only punished with temporary "disfellowshipment" or "probation", either formal or informal. Temporary restrictions may include not being allowed to hold church callings, prohibition from taking the Sacrament, ineligibility to enter the temple, and others as the Bishop or Stake President deems necessary. If the unfaithful spouse is unrepentant or the leadership decides it is necessary to protect the church from their actions, they may optionally elect to excommunicate the unfaithful spouse.

Typically, if the unfaithful spouse has any dirt on the betrayed spouse, the BS may also suffer disfellowshipment temporarily. Also, if the male has been through the temple and his wife has not, punishment is more severe for the one who has undertaken the temple covenant of the "Law of Chastity".

If married in the temple, excommunication of a sexually unfaithful spouse is usually swift. If @markc5466 and his WW are temple-married, his exposure to the Bishop will almost certainly cost @markc5466's wife her membership in the church, within the next month or two at most. Excommunicated members are allowed to attend, but prohibited from paying tithing, speaking in church, taking the sacrament, holding any calling, and their names are removed from the rolls of the church. In the MLS system, they are listed as "NONMBR", or "non-member".

If the member was high-profile, unrepentant, or a risk to other members, their name will be announced from the lectern as being excommunicated in a stake or ward meeting. This is a rare remedy for infidelity, however, and is usually only used for exmormon agitators or those who have defected to various polygamous off-shoots of the LDS church.

They may be re-baptized after a year and a petition to the First Presidency of the church, along with an endorsement of their repentance by their Bishop and Stake President. After re-baptism, they may have a temple ceremony performed called a "restoration of blessings" that restores all privileges and blessings held before the infidelity.

I'm intimately aware of this because I re-baptized my mother after her infidelity, and watched the whole process happen. Plus I participated in a number of excommunications, and had access to the confidential "Church Handbook of Instructions" which discusses these kinds of policies in frank detail.

Divorce alone is a separate matter. If divorcing for "irreconcilable differences", a no-fault divorce may not cause any restrictions on church participation. However, a female may not re-marry in the temple "for eternity" without first obtaining a "cessation of blessings" -- that is, an annulment of the first marriage -- then obtaining a new Celestial Marriage.

A man, on the other hand, may divorce a wife "for time" and take another wife in a temple marriage without first obtaining a cessation of blessings. However, he will be required to obtain "permission" from his first wife, in writing, before doing so. Typically, an acknowledgement that the man is performing his duties related to child support and alimony sufficiently is enough. If the first wife is unavailable or does not respond, he typically may only marry his second wife "for time only" unless there is compelling reason for a temple marriage with his second wife. The second wife being temple-worthy and not sealed to anyone else is often sufficient justification. If the first wife is deceased, he may marry a second wife in a Celestial Marriage without restriction.

Now, those are the facts, here's the part where I get a little bit speculative regarding culture, not policy

Divorce is frowned upon, and divorced men -- who divorce for reasons other than infidelity on the part of his former spouse -- aren't eligible for high church callings. Also, excommunicated and re-baptized members are ineligible for high church callings (Bishop and above), and of course women are completely ineligible for priesthood leadership callings regardless.

Do-No-Mo: I wouldn't say that excommunication always occurs when one has been married in the temple. In my case, my H and I were married in the temple and I was only disfellowshipped after my A. I was never excommunicated.

Thanks for the clarification, @writer1. I stand corrected.

What do you believe were the reasons for the disciplinary council deciding your infidelity warranted disfellowshipment rather than excommunication?

This is only speculation, of course, since I don't really know their reasoning, but I think few factors lead to me being disfellowshipped rather than excommunicated.

1. There was some time between the end of my A and the disciplinary council. The Bishop was aware of the situation during my A, because my H talked to him on a number of occasions, but I had stopped going to church. The Bishop really didn't want me to "confess" during this time, so even on the few occasions when I did talk to him, he didn't really seem to want me to give him too much info. about the situation, probably because he would have had to call a council much sooner if I did confess and I likely would have been excommunicated, and he didn't want that to happen. So, by the time I went before the council, my A had been over for about 5 months and I had already decided to stay and work on my M.

2. The reason I believe the Bishop wanted to pursue a course that would not result in my being excommunicated is because I do not think he believed that I would be likely to return to the church if I were excommunicated. I think he thought/thinks there was/is a better chance of my returning someday if I remain a member. I have not been active in the church for 3 years now, and I don't really see myself going back. There are just too many unresolved issues for me, and I don't think it would be very honest of me to go back feeling as I do.

My H was also disfellowshipped instead of excommunicated.

His affair was nearly a year and an OC was involved. I think it was a very close call. The stake president said he had expected the vote to go with excommunication and was suprised when it was just disfellowship.

I think it was the complete change of heart and attitude he had by the time the council convened. There are some specific guidelines, as well, as to "pretatory behavior" and others that he didn't really fall into. But truly, I think it was his humble, repentant attitude that made the difference. And it took him 5 months to get there after D-day.

There were quite a few people who thought the decision was wrong and the council was too easy on him, but I have to think it was for a purpose and they were directed to that decision.

He is a fully active, commited member and was reinstated after a year.

unresolved issues? The bishop should have ask for full details of the affair that is his job, he will determine what is best by what he feels right (with the spirit guiding him) that is why he is the bishop. It sounds like he did not do it correctly because now you are not active and you have unresolved issues which I do not know about or why? What do you think you would have done if you were excommunicated?

I had to tell the bishop everything, I remember sitting there and knew he felt uncomfortable asking the questions he even apologized and said "I'm sorry but I need to know everything I know it's hard" he was right it was hard that's why I was balling the whole time I was in there. It was hard remembering everything I had done to wheels.

I was not disfellowshiped or excommunicated I think mainly because it was an EA instead of a PA and because it was my first time doing something like this, he said if I repeat this again I would be excommunicated.

Before going to the bishop I told wheels I would do ANYTHING even getting re baptized if it came to that.

I'm sorry but this makes absolutely no sense. It is no business of anyone but writer what her reasons are for not returning to her church. She doesn't need to explain those reasons to you.

She doesn't have to tell me either, I was just confused and wanted to tell what happened with me. I didn't mean to sound rude, sorry.

One divorced friend is a church member, although no longer active. Other two divorced friends are not church members. 2 of the 3 are former adulterers, and all are already aware of the affair, and condone it, so they are of zero use for exposure.

How did the exposure go?

Mat- CA/San Jose- 85-87. Married my wife about 18 mos. after returning home. Happily married until the affair (but not according to her rewrite of history.) I am already experiencing the rage, and she is not even fully aware of all of the exposure yet. Hope we can survive this. I am putting alot of faith in the people on this board. Exposure, and its aftermath, sure are scary. WS is leaving tomorrow to stay with her sister for a week (leaving me home w/ 4 kids, work, home, etc.). Needs to "find herself" and "sort out her feelings". I have asked her to commit to absolute NC during this time. She has agreed, but obviously I have my doubts. Exposure seems to be taking its toll, and causing her to count the true costs. That's my hope anyway.

Too early to tell completely. Her church friends have all confronted her, and she is supremely unhappy about that. Her parents nor my parents have said anything yet, but they are actually all getting together today to talk about the situation. That could lead to some sort of "parental intervention", not sure. (That will not be pretty.) WS said she plans to talk to our 18-yo D tonight. If she finds out I have exposed to her, she will be livid. She is leaving tomorrow to stay with her sister in PA for a week, so I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing. Her sister has been very supportive of the marriage and against the affair, but is supportive of WS asserting her "independence", so I am ambivalent about this trip. I do feel that part of this trip is about escaping some of the pressures brought on by exposure.

I don't like the business of her leaving to 'sort things out.'

Ask her to call you as soon as she gets there, so you know she arrived safely. When she does, ask to speak to her sister, because you want to personally thank them for helping your family out during a hard time, or whatever. The whole point is to confirm that she's where she says she is.

If she doesn't call you within an acceptable amount of time, call her sister yourself. Because you want to make sure she got there safely, right? See what your SIL says.

If your WW refuses to let you talk to her sis, .

If her sis says something like "Oh, yeah, she's here but she just left to go to the store.

If WW calls you when she gets back from the 'store' and her sis is mysteriously not able to come to the phone

I'm worried that she's going to be with OM. I've seen the same scenario play out on this board many, many times. Especially knowing that she's leaving her kids behind in order to 'sort things out'. That's not the action of a typical, non-affairing mother. Confirm by talking to both of them at the same time.

Mark this was mine and wheels situation to THE T!!

Wheels exposed me

I went to live with my sister for 10 days

The night I left I realized what I wanted (my family and my life back)

Don't you worry about a THING what you need to do now is start focusing on you not her.

And when she leaves give her your plan B letter, stay dark! No emails, no text, nothing! Find an IM to help.

Is her sister active? Is she married with kids? Because if she is then this will help in your advantage.

This is what my sister did to help me realize what I wanted...

Call her sister up, talk to her about some things that you feel your wife should do and NOT to do

TO DO:
Only speak positive about your DH
Read the scriptures daily and pray
Have her only speak of good times she had shared with you
etc..

NOT TO DO:
Contact other man
take her phone away if she needs to call someone she uses her sisters
Talk negative about you or the marriage

Trust me this will help, because it helped me. I think I read like 4 books while I was there and reading the scriptures.

Two things:

1. Her leaving the house -- rather than attempting to force you out -- is actually A GOOD THING. To protect yourself, document the days that she's gone and you're holding the fort. Be prepared to show in court that you're the primary caregiver. Contact a lawyer -- you do pay for ARAG insurance through your work, right? -- to help you understand your best course of action to protect your children and yourself in this situation. This will help your bargaining position should worse come to worst. And if it things get better and she leaves the OM and commits to a program of marital recovery, you'll have deposited Love Units showing your strong and capable Family Commitment.

2. Unfaithful spouses move out for one reason, and one reason only: to make extra time with the lover. Period. That time may not happen for one reason or another, but they want to get away from you and the emotional turmoil surrounding your marriage in order to have time available for the lover. Nod and smile and play nice with her excuses, but know in your heart that reason, without the DJ of saying it aloud: she's moving out to be able to spend more time with him without your "interference". This is a good thing, too, as it forces the lover to start meeting all of her emotional needs.

If you're wrong in your assumption, you never said anything, therefore no DJ and hey, it's better than you thought! If you're right, you're prepared for the reality she's brought into your marriage against your will.

However, it's painful for you to know that what she's asking you to do is stand by and wait patiently while she painfully vacillates between you and her lover, deciding who she's going to pick.

Be prepared now to set very strong EPs before her return. Her leaving puts you in the position of strength here. You are the strong father, and she will be the supplicant returning. Make the following conditions of return to your home, and change the locks/garage combo/etc. if necessary to enforce your boundary:

1. No contact with the OM for life in any way.
2. Extraordinary Precautions to prevent contact, including complete transparency into all of her accounts. Dr. Harley recommends quite a few different things, like changing phone numbers and moving if necessary. Figure out what you need to feel safe, and those become your EPs.
3. Commitment to a marital recovery program of your choice. A few hundred bucks for the MarriageBuilders Online Course is worth it. Set aside time once a week to read aloud together and get your homework set up, as well as schedule your UA time for the coming week.


Her next step after a brief time away from you, and an attempted return without any Just Compensation -- if she follows the typical wayward wife script -- is to try to force YOU out of the home, to introduce the OM to her children and try to integrate him into her domestic life. It's much easier for a woman to bring a strange man into her domestic life than it is for him to bring her into his (this was just on the radio show on Tuesday). By documenting her abandonment of the children, you can prevent this turn of events and the Financial Support she'd force you into (child support that she lives off of). Once again, the OM would be forced to meet her needs, and will almost certainly (95%) fail in the attempt.