I already suspect everything that you have brought up. Since recorder finally forced her to own up to the fact that the affair has never ended, I have no expectations of NC at this time. She is supposed to come back from PA with a decision to either stop the A and agree to NC with EP, or to move out. I know that she is going to her sister's, because I have been in contact with her. It is 7 hrs away, and OM is local. He works construction, and has no money, so likelihood of him going to PA is low. I wouldn't be surprised if they hook up on the way there, though, but nothing I can do about that now.

Okay. Please do as I suggested anyway. Okay? Somehow, I don't think she's intending on going to PA to stay with her sister.

Sister is no longer a member, lives an "alternative lifestyle", actually just "married" her partner in DC a few weeks ago. She is surprisingly supportive of me, our marriage and our family though. This is not the best environment for her to make this decision, as she will essentially be on vacation while she is there (no kids, responsibilities, etc.). However, her sister can be quite tough with her, and has been very direct in her opinions that WS should think long & hard about what a good husband/family/life she has. The one thing that does worry me is that her sister is also rabidly feminist/anti-men/anti-traditional marriage, and likes to talk with my wife about being more independent and not being what she calls a "submissive Mormon wife"- whatever that is- I've never really met one, and my wife most certainly is not what I would call submissive. I actually sent her sister an email yesterday explaining what is now going on, since I have found that WS has been lying/concealing the truth from most everyone. If she has been doing the same to her sister, it will make for a very ineteresting visit. I do believe that a big reason for this visit is to get away from the pressure that has rained down upon her since exposure. Sister will not be on board with helping me control WS in any way. One of WS' issues is that I am too controlling. Obviously, this is not the best situation, but I do think that it could turn out to be positive. I had already planned to "go dark" when she leaves, but I am not ready for the Plan B letter just yet. Thanks for the advice.

Mark sorry this doesn't sound like a really good situation, I believe you best bet now is to give her the Plan B letter and STAY dark, do not answer and calls, no texts, nothing. And DO NOT I repeat DO NOT let her come back to the home unless she is willing to end all contact and work on the marriage.

You need this break for you Mark ok? Remember that. I wanted to come back home after the first night but wheels was not ready, hence why I stayed for 10 day's.

You need to be strong for your family ok?

That's fine, because you're not trying to control her. You're trying to save your marriage. Two separate things. Again, I would suggest that you confirm that she is there. Any decent (okay, maybe that word is a stretch under these circumstances)spouse human would be kind enough to let another concerned human know that they safely completed a seven hour trip.

I will talk with both of them once she is there. I am quite confident that she is going there. I know her sister pretty well, and she is surprisingly supportive of our marriage. She has no resources to arrange alternate living arrangements, and I have eyes/ears on all of her regular spots. I don't think she will hide locally for a week, but I do think that she may meet up with him on the way there and/or on the way back. As I said, given the fact that her lying about NC was just exposed this week, I have no expectations of NC right now. I have let her know in no uncertain terms that NC and EPM are non-negotiable if she wants to stay. I hate to say this, but maybe she needs to have one last fling with him before she will commit to try. (I almost threw up when I typed that, but if this thing needs to burn itself out to end, then let's throw some gas on it and light a match.) I do think that once he has to meet all of her EN's, it will end somewhat quickly. Her life is going to suck if she leaves, and he is going to get to meet Real WS, not just Date WS, if you know hwat I mean.

Mark,

Since your W is trying to "find herself". I offer you this from Pepperband's famous posts. Finding yourself

Enjoy,

JL

Here is my dilemma. WS used to work in my business. One of the things that she wanted to change after this all happened was to no longer work here, so for past 3-4 mos. she has been stay-at-home mom (which is great, she could have been doing that if she had let me know she wanted to). Because of this, she has no income, and is completely dependent on me for financial support. She has nowhere to go if she wants to leave, and I can't very well put her out on the street. She will not go and live with OM, because she knows there is no way I would allow her to take the children there. She has been actively looking for a job, but with no success so far. What am I to do?

Thanks, I actually read that last week and sent a copy of it to one of my wife's friends, who is a formerly WS herself. I have gone back and read it several times since. It is so true.

Give it to your W.

JL

You don't have a dilemma, mark. Your WW does. If you're going to fold because you won't let her own her choices, why don't you just let OM come and live with both of you? Stop controlling her, even in supposition. These are things she needs to be looking at right now. This is the Reality portion of the program that she's going to have to think about. Not you.

I could also say "I guess she should have thought about all of that before destroying your marriage and family."

I agree with everything you are saying. I have no intention of allowing this to continue. I guess my question is, how do I prevent her from coming back home if she won't agree to my terms? I am meeting with the top divorce attorney in our area on Monday, so maybe he will explain my legal options. I have told him that I am not interested in a divorce, but in killing the affair and waking my wife up to the reality of her choices. We'll see what he has to offer. I have been reticent to do this, but she leaves me no other option. If she comes back and agrees to NC/EPM, then I will just keep the attny on retainer, and keep that to myself.

If you don't want a divorce, don't go to a divorce attorney. They specialize in divorces, not killing affairs and waking spouses up.

If she comes back and says "Nope, I thought about it and I'm going to keep having my cake and eating it too" you thank her for her honesty. Then the next time she leaves the house you pack up all of her clothes, etc., put them at the front door and change the locks. You put a Plan B letter in with her clothes where she can find it.

When she comes back and starts pounding at the door you tell her she is welcome to come back when she's finished with OM, and you'll talk to her then. You will officially be in Plan B.

Is your home owned by both of you?

Agree about the attny, but need to protect myself, plus not going to allow her to take the kids. Also, would like to sue OM for alienation of affection, put a good scare into him. Home is owned jointly, so not sure what my legal rights are. Will be exploring that with attny.

You live in a state that recognizes AOA (North Carolina, right?), so you could have a claim. In that case it would make sense to get legal advice on your rights and on whether or not you have actual grounds for an AOA lawsuit, as well as on what you need to do to protect your children. That's a good call on your part.

The condoning one last fling thing - bad idea.

My H did it. Twice. He even paid for my plane ticket, believe it or not, and drove me to the airport (both times).

We are now raising my OC that resulted from the last "fling."

Do you really want to find yourself in that situation?

I'm glad you brought that up, writer. It's never a good idea for the affairees to meet one last time to make it "official" as you can well attest.

I think Mark realizes that there's a good chance WW will hook up with OM at some point this coming week. I just hope the outcome isn't a bad one.

Glad that I can serve as a cautionary tail to all mankind. I think I've found my purpose in life.

Yes, I too needed to "figure out what I really wanted" and "find myself."

I found myself all right. I found myself in one heck of a mess.

My wife, too, accused me of being "too controlling". You will never persuade her out of this while she is still a wayward.

Checking her phone records? You're too controlling.
Following her when she goes to hook up with OM, and confronting her half-naked and sweaty in bed with him? You're too controlling.
Calling the OM and telling him to stay away from your WIFE? Too controlling.
Calling everyone you know to ask them for advice on how to handle your wife's cuckolding? Too controlling.
Refusing to allow yourself to be manipulated by her lies and blame? Too controlling.
Not being willing to live with a woman who is fscking a man who isn't you? You're too controlling.
Telling the kids the truth about the trouble your marriage is in? Too controlling.
Not playing along with her lies? Too controlling.
Doing the same chores around the house you've done for years without complaint? You're trying to control her by mowing the lawn and making her feel guilty!
Refusing to pay for Internet service that she uses to keep in touch with her affair partner? You're too controlling!
Copying evidence of her affair to a place she can't destroy the evidence? That's just way, way too controlling!

You're trying to run her life, don't you see? By being a strong, upstanding husband doing the right thing, you're trying to control her with guilt. By gathering evidence of her affair, you're trying to control her behavior with fear of what you're planning to do with the damning evidence of her infidelity. By confronting the OM, you're trying to control her behavior because what if he doesn't want her anymore because he doesn't want that kind of trouble? By refusing to leave your home you're trying to control her and make her leave instead. By refusing to sleep in the guest room you're trying to control her to force her to sleep with you or go to the guest room herself.


PUH-LEEZE!

This "control" thing is wayward speak for "ruining my affair". So from now on, every time you hear her use the word "control" when talking about you, substitute "ruining her affair" or "opposing the affair" in your mind.

I had a fun night one time substituting the phrase "fighting for our marriage" aloud for every time she tried a blame-shifting phrase like "invading my privacy" or "controlling me". Drove her bonkers, and definitely DEFINITELY not recommended MarriageBuilders behavior, but it helped me keep my cool while she's finally the one that stormed off. She wasn't used to that and it put her off-kilter for a bit to really consider whether this other man was worth her marriage.

Also, don't expect her sister to stay on the side of your marriage for long. It takes a very strong person to continue to believe the right thing when a wayward wife starts heaping piles of imagined abuses on your head to everybody who will hear it.

This was also the case with my H. Met up with OW to "say goodbye" and end it (before I found out) and she became pregnant.

I will always think it was on purpose because she knew the end was coming and she had divorced her H for my H, but I can't prove it.

Last fling, bad idea and hard to forgive/forget. Try to avoid it happening.