First of all, I cheated on my current wife for 10 years, with 16 different women. I was "outed" last December, 11 months ago, by a girlfriend's husband. It was the best, and the worst, thing that's ever happened to me. On the positive side, all my secrets, my double life, my worries about being found out...were all gone. Everything was out in the open. What a relief. I had always felt horribly about everything I was doing, but never could stop, though I tried again and again. I went to a program for sex addicts, but after going for 4 or 5 months, I began to feel like I was out of place. I began a "Journey" with some other men in my area, and found that a relationship with Christ was the only thing that could fix my issues. That being said...I haven't had any extramarital affairs, except for one slip in February (9 months ago). I'm not saying I'm perfect, or "fixed". If I felt that I was ok, I wouldn't be here posting.

A couple months after being found out, I caught my wife in a text conversation, which soon led her to confess of an affair she'd been having with this guy for the last year. She promised to end it, but since she was going through all this stuff dealing with me, and all the lies I had told her, she kept him just as close, because he helped her cope. I thought it was over with them, since she kept telling me it was, until I showed up one evening, a day early from a biz trip I'd been on. His car was in my driveway. Needless to say, I had a few things to say to both of them before sending him packing with a wagon of threats behind him. According to both of them, it's really over now. However, she absolutely refuses to delete him from her friend list on facebook. She says she never talks to him or anything, just needs him there for comfort. You can imagine how that makes me feel, that she needs comfort from her former lover.

We have been trying to make our marriage work for the last 9 or 10 months. I have learned a lot about myself in the process, but it doesn't seem to be doing me much good. One thing I learned is that I need emotional connection, just as much as any woman. The difference is that I GET emotional connection FROM physical connection, at least partially. This is the problem I'm posting about. My wife feels so much pain from everything I've done, all the wrongs, that she can't be intimate with me. But I need intimacy to feel loved. She says I'm meeting her needs, but my "love tank" is at a -43. I'm very close to leaving the relationship and calling it a fail. I'm so lonely and feel like I have no one to love or receive love from. She doesn't seem to get it. How long should this take? I'm not sure how much longer I can be expected to go without sex/intimacy/love. I'm miserable. She seems like she just wants to go about life as usual, basically ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away.

Is a man supposed to just sit and wait for 9 months to be intimate with his wife again? If this is normal, please let me know.
Thank you for listening.

After cheating with 16 different women, I'd say you're lucky to not be six feet under.

That said, how old are you both? And do you have children together?

Click 'notify' and ask the moderators to move your thread to the 'surviving an affair' forum.

That comment is pretty judgmental, and not helpful at all. I'm here for help, not to be beat up. I can do that on my own.

We're both 33, no kids.

Let's keep this discussion manageable please. We will be keeping a close eye on this one. Thank You.

Just click notify if there is a concern with another posters comments.

The question I would have, is that if you were to move on, and "call it a fail," what are you going to do in your next relationship to prevent recurrence?

You have given her quite a bit to resent, and that is something that is going to take MOUNTAINS of work on your part to overcome.

Yes, she has her own sins to account for, but it's really pot and kettle at this point, isn't it? And, to be honest, you've got a much bigger pot!

Have you bought SAA? How on board is she? Has she read anything from this site? Have you gone over it together?

I realize that the physical intimacy issue is a big one for you, but you have a need for an overall overhaul that needs to be addressed.

Baby steps, one step at a time. PoJA, PoRH, time and patience.

I think your BW is better off without you. She likely thinks so too but may not know what to do and turned to OM. I'd talk to her about D...you are a mess that will suck the life out of her.

Can you give us a little more information? Do you have children? Who are the other women? One night stands? How long did these affairs last? Are you/were you into porn? What happened when you were busted by OW's husband? What did you and your wife do to recover at that point?

Respond, how much of the information on this site have you read?

Have you read the Basic Concepts?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Have you read the Rules to Recovery after an Affair?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

There is an article that may be very helpful for you called "How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex.html

What the heck?! I come here to get help and advice, and one guy thinks I should be dead, while another calls me a mess and should get a divorce! That's not helpful! Have I not made it clear that I'm trying to change?!

I appreciate the helpful posts from a few of you.

That's a cop-out. She could have divorced him. There's no excuse for an affair, even if you're the betrayed spouse.

This program will work for any couple who are both willing to save their marriage.

You should read as much as you can on this site, and familiarize yourself with the ten basic concepts.

You have a tough road ahead of you, but if you truly are changed you need to work with this program, and if you and your wife are both willing to work on your marriage she needs to establish no contact with the other man.

Good luck.

Respond, I don't think the comment about "six foot under" was meant to be taken literally.

But you can click "ignore" on anyone that you find to be unhelpful. I've got to be honest there can be a lot of that.

Plunge into the main reading material on the site and ask questions about it here; I promise you will receive help.

I never said her A wasn't wrong and never will say it isn't. However, given the depth of the betrayal (the entire marriage), they are relatively young and no children, I would go with Plan D.

Markos was advised to divorce me when he first got here, too. I'm the "dud" that wasn't worth saving :P

Divorce doesn't have to be the answer, if your betrayed wife is willing to save the marriage. Read the links Markos posted, if you haven't already.

As a WH you will get a lot of 2 x 4s. Stick around and try to see the message behind the 2 x 4 (as there is ALWAYS ONE) and you might just be able to salvage your marriage.

Prisca, with all due respect, I am familiar with the MB concepts. OP asked for opinions and I gave mine. Based on what OP has said, from my own experiences with WSs (mine and others), and what Dr. Harley has said re: serial cheaters and addicts, I stand by my opinion that D is best for BW. If she were here, I'd tell her the same thing.

Respond,

The comment was not judgmental. It is a fact.

You ARE lucky to be alive. Adultery kills more than just marriages. Any one of the husband's of your OW's could have found out about your affairs and completely lost grip and shot you or beat the life out of you. Your wife could have come completely unhinged and murdered you.

Because most of us here are BS's, we KNOW how close a BS walks to losing their mind when finding out about their beloved's affair. There is a time frame when the utter shock of betrayal suspends our reasoning. It's in the news all the time.

Your defensiveness is getting in the way of understanding what people are trying to tell you.

Your have a better chance of receiving help here if you can place your defensiveness aside and look for the real meanings in the posts.

This poster was not saying they wished you were dead or that you deserve to be dead, they specifically said YOU ARE LUCKY.

And you are.

She speaks the truth.

My brother sat outside the OM's house for 2 days with his loaded gun in his lap.

Had I had the whole truth while the OM was still in this city, I'm not quite sure what I would have done.

I have these lovely fantasies of running into him, and what I would do...

With equal respect, I never said you weren't. I also gave my opinion, which is also in line with MB concepts. This marriage is salvageable, if the betrayed wife wants to salvage it.

Frankly, if I were the BW, I would walk too. But I'm not, and she's not here. He is, and he wants help to save the marriage.

As I said above, drop the defensiveness and look at what is being said. BR, shared her opinion that you have done so much damage that it is likely that your wife can never recover from the hurt and resentment.

Sometimes divorce is the best option. It is a valid statement.

No one has said there is no hope. There is hope if you are willing to live a lifestyle of extraordinary precautions that prevent you from having an opportunity to have an affair. That will be a drastic change for you. Are you willing to eliminate the lifestyle that created an environment that made it so easy for you to have an affair?