Not sure of the success rate but it is the best way to have a marriage to salvage and rebuild from.
As you said, your H is lying and in love with someone else.

You lay your best groundwork in plan A and then if it does not get him to turn back to you and close the door on the OW, you can either follow MB plans (B) or settle for a mess.

Plan B is for you. You nurture yourself and learn to create your identity separate of your identity as part of a couple. You are in a triangle now anyway.

Plan B can be the way to saving a marriage but it is also a way to save yourself.
No guarantee on the marriage but a guarentee on YOU.

If you go into a plan B....you will go through a hellish grief period where you miss your marriage experience LIKE h.e. double toothpicks. That is your withdrawal from being with your spouse.

I think you have to start thinking about your circle of aquaintances for an IM.

While discussing money with dh during plan A, ask your dh for money in an account with a year's expenses(assuming you have built a life savings together so far) in only your name so you don't feel as vulnerable in this situation (since he sounds like a financially amiable guy at least at this point). Tell him it is to make you feel safe and is still both of yours. You tell him you will not use it but have it in case he were to dissapear off the planet and you had to take care of the family.Play the damsel a bit here.

Again, plan B is the best road to saving a marriage, I believe in the plan. Other plans are not really plans. This is. You follow it even when your instincts say "No! I can not do this miserable thing!" Instincts are selfish and want us to have immdediate control which isn't likely in this experience in life. It is long haul city. Not for the faint hearted. Not for the delicate souls. It is war for your family.

so tonight i took advantage of the part of plan a that says, "do something for yourself". i took myself to a favorite japanese restaurant, then to see Secretariat. It was a much needed respite from the stress I feel in this mess. my wonderful dd took care of her siblings.
Also, didn't want to be home when hubby came home from work, but he did kind of pounce when I got home and we talked briefly. he has a very bad cold boo hoo. Apparently, he saw the therapist today and is still as "confused as ever" haha. I love him battling his conflict. he tried to put it on me and said "i played a big part in it" and i said, "well, you keep telling me that you want to work on you and this is about YOU, so it's really NOT about me" all the while in my pink satin pj's that haven't fit me in probably four years(yay me!)
i think i can i think i can i think i can

"Do something for yourself"

is really important right now especially when you get stressed and discouraged - if something gets revealed and you go plan B its even MORE important to pamper yourself - go buy some new clothes!

Mominpink5


Are you okay? You kinda fell off the grid.

sorry,
so we had a decent weekend and ws seemed very conflicted about moving out. he said his therapist said that "i wanted to hurt him" and that he should move out. ws said he didn't know what to do, but i kind of convinced him that leaving the home wasn't the right thing to do.
so yesterday, we sat and talked and talked as we did monday evening. he had an appointment with an attorney so he went to see her(a christian woman) and she told him he wasn't ready to leave the home, so he shouldn't and he should consider a new therapist. so did ws make up everything about the therapist?
then, ws works on this "plan" of us having our needs met(much like emotional needs), our dealbreakers(or LB's) etc. so ws seemed very enthusiastic and said he was finally at peace at his decision to stay for now.
so, ow is out of country for work. is that why ws is coming my way? he showed me texts and i read one that she said she had gotten "there" so she is most likely out of the country.
next, pi has trailed him twice. all she knows is where he parks. big flippin' deal. :(, his blackberry and computer are password protected so it's like i am going to get any solid info.
i am confused, heartsick and wondering if i can "play along": with ws regarding this new marital plan of ours. i feel like i am nuts, and ws keeps telling me there is NOONE ELSE.
tonight we are walking. it has been 30 days since he said he's done. my stamina comes and goes. i am getting better at controlling my emotions but they say not to continue plan A for too long. how the frick can i move to plan B when i don't have the goods on him? i need a "there there" or a knock in the head, or something

There are a tremendous ammount of "indicators" to tell you when you need PB. I do not think you are there(not even close) yet. There are better advisors than me here, tho.

Keep posting and reading. Do you have the SAA book?

You know what?

You can't control him, you can't control the therapist, you can't control anything or anyone but YOU! And that is very cool. I know you are emotional. I believe everyone really is, some just show them outwardly more than others. You will get better skills are holding your cards to the vest from this mess. That is a good thing.

Anyway, work your best plan A while you are fact finding and enjoy the feeling of being your better/best self even during a difficult experience. You can lay your groundwork, find out more and learn to not react in lovebusting or even revealing what you find out. Feel the emotions and use the knowledge of the situation to your best advantage for yourself. To be in the know, unbeknownest to your wayward H.

If OW is out of the country, fine. He isn't dating her while she is. Good. If she really isn't you will find out from the PI.

Anyway, enjoy plan A. It is kind of courting your H away from the other woman. It is courting him enough so when you DO implement plan B.......he just might think of you more than he otherwise would. Compare every freakin' thing she does to you. Think of you in the middle of the night when he wakes up with a guilty conscience, etc. You will be on his mind if/when you go to plan B in a more haunting way than if you don't plan A before plan B.

Hang in there. It isn't fun but it is challenging to your very soul. isn't that what life really is about?

I agree with Barbiecat regarding being nowhere near plan B
with exception to visitin an attorney - how do you really know what advice he received?

stay calm!

thank you so much. i have seen an attorney and it did comfort me(we have 3 minor children, two are young).

my sister just prayed with me over the phone while i sat out in the garage in my car(it wasn't on and i feel MUCH better.

i will get through this i will get through this....

You've got us, too, mom. Know that. When you're in your darkest moments and feel so alone, WE ARE HERE. I was thinking about you at 3:00 this morning and sending healing wishes your way. (I was on my way to the bathroom. )But you are so important to me that you were on my mind as I stumbled my way in there.

You are among friends.

well ws husband mentioned kind of casually, i sort of prodded, that if things don't work out(big project overseas) well, yeah, there's a real possibility he would have to go and fix them. um, ok. that would probably put me into plan b. cuz if he and she were both over there, the consumation would most likely occur.
i am feeling great peace and because of my beliefs and things ws said to me tonight, he is making it clear that remaining here and working on "us" is very conditional-his conditions. i am like the lamb going to the slaughter...it's ridiculous and repugnant given the crappy husband he has been in most of our marriage. he is either going to wake up, be woken up, or drift off in this fog and lose everything. i think i am understanding more and more that even though i want to restore our marriage, i can't control him or make him do anything and somehow there is some freedom in accepting that.
tomorrow morn, i'll probably be a nutcase again!
thanks mb for your thoughts-i always look forward to hearing your input, the support means the world to me, it really does!

Remember the book - "The Little Engine That Could"

I think I can I think I can -

also when you feel like you might explode visualize a stop sign. It worked for me many times - that was advice someone gave to triggers here on MB

thank you gg
feeling blue today and defeated. gonna spend time with my teen-ager
(((hugs)))

last night, ws and i went to look at health clubs to join together. he got kind of p*ssy with a young punk club worker who said he couldn't try out the bench(hubby is ex-football player wanting to get back into lifting) so he kind of told the kid off. i oohed and aahed over his machisma haha.
ok, all we do is TALK, like for hours. he talks and talks and i listen. is this good? not good? of course he says there is no one else, that the therapist told him i cannot be trusted and he should leave me. i told him therapist is nutso.we made this sort of written 'gameplan' about our needs and wants and trying to implement them. is this all just bogus?
we also have an appt with pastor next week and ws seems excited about that. is he just yanking my chains on all of this? p i had found nothing. i am wasting time and $...
i am pathetic-ws tells me he loves me and desperately wants THIS to work. i still have a pit in my stomach most of the time. trying very hard not to LB and keep plan a in motion

I would say talking and talking for hours, where you're just listening isn't good. Is he not listening or you are not talking? And I don't see how he can continue to see a therapist who undermines your marriage (YOU can't be trusted??). That would end fast with me. Does he want to work on this marriage or not? I know easy for me to ask, I don't know if H wants to.

me 45
H 46
married 18 yrs
just recently separated

You can't demand a WH stops seeing a therapist. That is controlling and a big love buster. Plus, it won't work. The WH will see whoever they decide to see.

You can say, I don't see logic to that (what the therapist by hearsay says). I dont' want that to happen, etc.

Talking IS good.

You are doing good mominpink5

It is a long haul though. Don't expect any quick fix or magic moment that it is all gone. Learn to live in the moment and be beguiling as can be during plan A.

I wouldn't believe a word of this unless you see it coming directly out of the therapist's mouth.

got some xanax from dr yesterday to takae anxious edge off. lowest dose possible, then i split it in half . hoping this helps my stomach etc issues.
i did say that i thought therapist(who treated our son briefly before his hospital stay in sept) and whom i have met that i think he's wack, cuz this man is VERY manipulative, direct and confrontational. that is what ws likes about him(the direct approach) but i have no real idea what has been said. ws told me today that therapist told him to run from me, as i want to destroy him and that upset him greatly, etc etc. i kind of just said "wow". he said that since he isn't adhering to therapists recommendation to leave the home(he has appt next week) that therapist will probably refuse to continue seeing him. he did the same thing with our son. do what i say or else! VERY BIG EGO, non? ws seems to want to present "plan" to therapist that he/we have created regarding meeting each other's needs.
we did a couple's devotional last night and ws is insistent we join a gym together. i haven't thought of myself as beguiling lately but i will do my best.
thanks to all for your unending support. i won't believe at the end of this that i made it through!(that spoken from someone who endured 5 yrs of infertility to have #4 child and thought THAT was the hardest thing ever) until(our teen-age son battled depression) until...well THIS BIG FRIGGIN MESS.
so, CAN ws fall back in love with me? not as long as she is around right? and how do i get the goods since pi isn't doing, can't find squat?
happy weekend to all.

I don't think your PI is going to come up with much until OW is back from China. I think you're going to have to wait awhile longer, sorry to say.

I hope the Xanax kicks in fast!