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My wife, too, accused me of being "too controlling". You will never persuade her out of this while she is still a wayward.
Checking her phone records? You're too controlling.
Following her when she goes to hook up with OM, and confronting her half-naked and sweaty in bed with him? You're too controlling.
Calling the OM and telling him to stay away from your WIFE? Too controlling.
Calling everyone you know to ask them for advice on how to handle your wife's cuckolding? Too controlling.
Refusing to allow yourself to be manipulated by her lies and blame? Too controlling.
Not being willing to live with a woman who is fscking a man who isn't you? You're too controlling.
Telling the kids the truth about the trouble your marriage is in? Too controlling.
Not playing along with her lies? Too controlling.
Doing the same chores around the house you've done for years without complaint? You're trying to control her by mowing the lawn and making her feel guilty!
Refusing to pay for Internet service that she uses to keep in touch with her affair partner? You're too controlling!
Copying evidence of her affair to a place she can't destroy the evidence? That's just way, way too controlling!
You're trying to run her life, don't you see? By being a strong, upstanding husband doing the right thing, you're trying to control her with guilt. By gathering evidence of her affair, you're trying to control her behavior with fear of what you're planning to do with the damning evidence of her infidelity. By confronting the OM, you're trying to control her behavior because what if he doesn't want her anymore because he doesn't want that kind of trouble? By refusing to leave your home you're trying to control her and make her leave instead. By refusing to sleep in the guest room you're trying to control her to force her to sleep with you or go to the guest room herself.
PUH-LEEZE!
This "control" thing is wayward speak for "ruining my affair". So from now on, every time you hear her use the word "control" when talking about you, substitute "ruining her affair" or "opposing the affair" in your mind.
I had a fun night one time substituting the phrase "fighting for our marriage" aloud for every time she tried a blame-shifting phrase like "invading my privacy" or "controlling me". Drove her bonkers, and definitely DEFINITELY not recommended MarriageBuilders behavior, but it helped me keep my cool while she's finally the one that stormed off. She wasn't used to that and it put her off-kilter for a bit to really consider whether this other man was worth her marriage.
Also, don't expect her sister to stay on the side of your marriage for long. It takes a very strong person to continue to believe the right thing when a wayward wife starts heaping piles of imagined abuses on your head to everybody who will hear it. Quoted for truth. Good post, DNM.
Last edited by maritalbliss; 11/03/10 06:19 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Okay, perhaps I mis-spoke about the "last fling". I certainly don't condone it, and definitely haven't told WS that would be okay. I just feel like she has ample opportunity and there's not much I can do about it at this point. Chance of pregnancy is miniscule since WS has had that taken care of (after 4 kids). Still, I am adamantly opposed to it, in fact the thought of it makes me sick. I was just sort of thinking out loud.
BS(me)- 44
WS- 41
D-day #1- (EA) 08/02/2010
D-day #2- (PA) 09/24/2010
WS moved out- 11/11/2010
NC- 02/21/2011
Plan A
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has her sister called you to let you know she is there?
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Exposure update: WS was confronted by her sister and her mother last night. Got a very angry text from her, followed by a "no need to respond" text. I called mom and sis, and as expected, she had been lying to both of them about the A being over. Sister is still very much opposed to the A and in support of our marriage. I had a very good 1-hr phone convo w/ her sister, and she will be keeping tabs on her during her visit, and also is going to try to talk some sense into her. When I got home, I was expecting rage, but what I got was ice cold indifference. I continued to Plan A and told her that I knew she was very upset with me, that I understood why, that I was sorry she was upset, but I was not sorry about the exposure because I was trying to save our marriage/family. This morning before I left for work, she came and sat in my lap and hugged me and said "I am not going to remain angry with you, because I want this week in PA to be productive." So, she is on her way to her sister's, and I am home with the kids. I have decided to use this week as an emotional vacation from her, and try to spend some quality time with my kids. She will decide whatever she decides. I do believe that the pressure of exposure is doing its job though, and I only wish I had known about these concepts when this was just an EA. If I could do anything differently, I would have done nuclear exposure on the first day that I had confirmation of the affair. I truly believe that it would have ended quickly if I had done that.
BS(me)- 44
WS- 41
D-day #1- (EA) 08/02/2010
D-day #2- (PA) 09/24/2010
WS moved out- 11/11/2010
NC- 02/21/2011
Plan A
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Talked to sister last night, she is expecting her tonight. WS will be leaving this am, 7-hr drive. Sister is still opposed to affair & in support of marriage. WS had been lying to sis about A being over, and sis is very upset about that. Had a good discussion with her last night. She is in my corner. WS has promised to call to let me know she has arrived. We'll see.
BS(me)- 44
WS- 41
D-day #1- (EA) 08/02/2010
D-day #2- (PA) 09/24/2010
WS moved out- 11/11/2010
NC- 02/21/2011
Plan A
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Talked to sister last night, she is expecting her tonight. WS will be leaving this am, 7-hr drive. Sister is still opposed to affair & in support of marriage. WS had been lying to sis about A being over, and sis is very upset about that. Had a good discussion with her last night. She is in my corner. WS has promised to call to let me know she has arrived. We'll see. Good job, mark. Keep us posted, okay?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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and I only wish I had known about these concepts when this was just an EA. If I could do anything differently, I would have done nuclear exposure on the first day that I had confirmation of the affair. I truly believe that it would have ended quickly if I had done that. say's that  People do not realize that it REALLY is the ONLY way to kill the affair they think by keeping it a secret will help their marriage but in fact it will just ruin it FASTER I even asked wheels why he didn't expose earlier because I know it killed my affair dead on it's tracks
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Don't forget, not just AOA, but also sue him for Criminal Conversations (legal term for adultery). I talked to a lawyer about them. Statute of limitations is 3 yrs for both, and theb lawyer wanted 33% or the up front paid $5000, whichever is more. So make sue OM HAS $5000 at least worth of stuff to take, unless you don't mind dropping some bills just to ruin him.
If you proceed with this let me know how it goes please. I am waiting until OM and OMW are done witheir divorce to see if OM 'gets back on his feet' before I move. I don't to pay $ for nothing, but he isn't going to even look for a job until D is done and alimony settled. Once that's over, he could get a contract job to go over to the Stan or something for upwards of $100k/yr, thinking he's in the clear and made off light on alimony. Then comes the slugger...
Maybe. Just waiting to see how it plays out.
Lifelong recovery never ends.
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WS arrived safely at sister's in PA last night. Called to let me know she was safe. Time of arrival syncs with departure time (verified by 18-yo D, who was home when she left). Texted me this am to check on kids. Seems in good spirits (reasonably good, but not "smokescreen good", if you know what I mean). Fingers crossed that she will do some soul-searching, and that her sister can have some positive influence. I guess now it's wait and see time. Meanwhile, trying to take an emotional break and take care of kids.
BS(me)- 44
WS- 41
D-day #1- (EA) 08/02/2010
D-day #2- (PA) 09/24/2010
WS moved out- 11/11/2010
NC- 02/21/2011
Plan A
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WS arrived safely at sister's in PA last night. Called to let me know she was safe. Time of arrival syncs with departure time (verified by 18-yo D, who was home when she left). Texted me this am to check on kids. Seems in good spirits (reasonably good, but not "smokescreen good", if you know what I mean). Fingers crossed that she will do some soul-searching, and that her sister can have some positive influence. I guess now it's wait and see time. Meanwhile, trying to take an emotional break and take care of kids. Did you talk to your sil to confirm that she is there? Calling at the right time isn't enough. She could have called you after getting 7 hours away in any direction.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Are you going into plan b? I think you should.
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WS arrived safely at sister's in PA last night. Called to let me know she was safe. Time of arrival syncs with departure time (verified by 18-yo D, who was home when she left). Texted me this am to check on kids. Seems in good spirits (reasonably good, but not "smokescreen good", if you know what I mean). Fingers crossed that she will do some soul-searching, and that her sister can have some positive influence. I guess now it's wait and see time. Meanwhile, trying to take an emotional break and take care of kids. Did you talk to your sil to confirm that she is there? Calling at the right time isn't enough. She could have called you after getting 7 hours away in any direction. Need to use SIL's land line to confirm they are there. BBW Blood beats water.
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Yes, confirmed with sis, also have talked to both this am. She is definitely there.
BS(me)- 44
WS- 41
D-day #1- (EA) 08/02/2010
D-day #2- (PA) 09/24/2010
WS moved out- 11/11/2010
NC- 02/21/2011
Plan A
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Yes, confirmed with sis, also have talked to both this am. She is definitely there. what is your next plan? You sure can't plan A her while she is 7 hours away, have you thought more about entering into plan B? I highly recommend this.
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Very unsure about what to do during this time. I know that blood is thicker than water, but I also know for a surety that SIL is 100% against this affair. She has been in regular contact with me (w/o WS' knowledge) since the beginning, and has never wavered in her support. I spent 1 hour on the phone with her Wed night, and she is highly ticked off that WS has been lying to her about A being over. She has even threatened to come down here and confront OM herself. She is very attached to our kids, and I am 100% certain that I have a friend in her. With that said, I am afraid to Plan B right now, while WS is in such a fragile emotional state. She is really feeling the effects of exposure, and I don't feel that now is the right time to cut her off. When she initially left, she said she did not want me to contact her, but she has contacted me several times since then. All were normal too, not rosy, sweet stuff (the kind of stuff she has done in the past when erecting a smokescreen). Although she has promised NC and SIL has promised to monitor as much as she can, I still know that OM will try to contact her. I am afraid of being "out of sight, out of mind". I may be completely off-base here, but I'm going with my gut on this one. Once she returns, if she does not fully commit to NC and EPM, then I am definitely going into full Plan B.
BS(me)- 44
WS- 41
D-day #1- (EA) 08/02/2010
D-day #2- (PA) 09/24/2010
WS moved out- 11/11/2010
NC- 02/21/2011
Plan A
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I may be completely off-base here, but I'm going with my gut on this one. Once she returns, if she does not fully commit to NC and EPM, then I am definitely going into full Plan B. No, I think you're on the right path. Keep going.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Mark, it IS possible to Plan A from afar. It HAS been done before. It is harder but it IS possible.
Now,having that out of the way, you need to do this YOUR way.
You would go into Plan B after a certain amount of time and seeing that your WW has NOT ended all contact, which means it is still an active affair. Plan B isn't meant to be a punishment, it is a TACTICAL move. It is something that you do because it is the right move for YOU.
Are you ready for Plan B? You need to prepare everything beforehand. In the meantime, I would suggest that you Plan A as much as possible while she is out of town.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Definitely not ready for Plan B. Trying to Plan A- flowers to arrive today, card from me to arrive tomorrow, etc. Came home Wed night expecting post-exposure wrath, but instead got icy indifference. Stayed in Plan A- very kind, I understand how you feel, etc. By yesterday morning, she was quite decent to me. She has even said to me more than once since I started Plan A- "I have a hard time staying mad at you." I know her feelings for me are still there, just buried beneath her feelings for OM. If the combination of distance and the watchful eyes of her sister can help her to maintain NC for a time, I believe I have a fighting chance. Maybe I am being naive', but I figure there is plenty of time for Plan B later, and I am emotionally capable of continuing Plan A. In fact, I could continue Plan A for quite some time if she would commit to NC. What I can't do, and won't do, is continue to allow the A to go on. As I have said before though, it looks like exposure is beginning to work its magic- it is going to force a decision- one way or the other.
BS(me)- 44
WS- 41
D-day #1- (EA) 08/02/2010
D-day #2- (PA) 09/24/2010
WS moved out- 11/11/2010
NC- 02/21/2011
Plan A
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If your WW stopped her affair and had NC than there would be no need for Plan A anymore. You would be changing to recovery. If your WW continues her affair, you WILL need to enter Plan B after a certain amount of time. I know that right now you feel fine, but there will come a time when Plan A will take its toll. It isn't meant to be done indefinitely. Right now, focus on Plan A, but don't let it turn into Plan Doormat. Ensure you let your WW know that you are willing to recover your marriage but that you are not willing to accept an affair as part of that marriage. That there are boundaries that you have in place and that you will defend those boundaries. Plan A is about showing your WW the WILLINGNESS and ABILITY to meet her ENs in the FUTURE. I don't know if you read the newly betrayed thread but there are some excellent posts by Mark about Plan A. Here is the link, http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240&page=2
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Right now, focus on Plan A, but don't let it turn into Plan Doormat. Is sending flowers and cards something you normally have done for her, Mark? You need to be careful doing this, if it isn't. Like Scotty said, you don't want to appear needy or weak, or like you're trying to bribe her. You want to appear strong and reliant, and an attractive choice to return to. Not a doormat.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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