I meet with my STBX yesterday, primarily to speak about our sons 21st birthday, but as there were so many unresolved issues around the breakdown of our marriage and his affair - I asked for answers:

The meeting was a disaster, with a lot of finger pointing and I do confess to taking a few sniper shots at him.

However....some of his comments (true or not) got me thinking.

It's time for me to move on. But to do this, I don't want to drag 'personality' issue with me.

So my question is - How do I make myself a better person? A more sociable person - a person others want to be around?
How do I move into the big wide world
How do I meet new people - without the 'speed dating/book club' route
How do I work on my conversation skills

Do I ask my friends for feedback on what they think are personality deficits?

I know there are good points and they include:
compassion / kindness / generosity / caring
I seem to battle with (As per my STBX):
Affection / Aggression / wanting to control

I have the added problem of Multiple sclerosis, which takes up a fair amount of my time in rehabilitation.
A medical diagnosis that my STBX does NOT recognise

So.... I keep asking myself - who would take on the responsibility of my medical condition, along with my age (50) - because I REALLY DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE ALONE

I have to re-invent myself and I don't have a clue how to do it

Forget your weaknesses, go with your strengths! Do things YOU enjoy. Put no stock in your STBX's assessment of you. You know what you like and what you don't like. You know what you are comfortable with and what you aren't. Find the activities you like to do and you will meet people who like the same thing. Don't do things for the purpose of meeting people - rather, meet people as you do things that you want to do.

In other words, try to reverse your thinking about it.

I went through the same thing after my separation / divorce with my XH. Even though he had many issues, he convinced me that "I" was the reason for him to behave and engage in unlawful stuff like he did.

Don't let his remarks 'decide' who you are. You have a lot of positives and wonderful traits to offer, that is why in the first place your STBX was attracted to you.

Focus on your strength. Find people who appreciate your nice attributes. Then work on yourself to make you a better person, but you are whole a lot better person than what your STBX says you are.

I don't think you can "re-invent yourself." Nor, should you. It's better to polish yourself up a bit.

Also, keep in mind that one person's trash is another person's treasure. Not calling you trash here, but just because your STBX thinks you aren't affectionate enough or are too affectionate doesn't mean another man won't find that aspect of you perfect. I'm mildly affectionate. I like less physical touch than most, and if some man started whispering sweet nothings to me, I'd be deeplly suspicious. But I found a man who was a great match for me.

If you want to brush up on your small talk skills, the speed dating may be the way to go. Don't look at it as a way to get dates so much as lots of practice!

And as for your age and physical condition... Well 50 is pretty young and your children are gone. You can provide the kind of intense attention to a man that I still cannot. The MS is more difficult but keep in mind that in the beginning you aren't asking a man to take responsibility for anything other than picking up the dinner check. If things advance you'll have to tell him about your condition and prognosis. Some men may decide it's not for them. But some men will decide to continue seeing you. My first husband gave me herpes, and so far, only one man has had a problem with that.

Let me give you an example.
I was married to my kids' dad for 23 years and in all that time, he never seemed happy with me, never seemed to like me, let alone love me. He divorced me inside of one month and I remember him telling me "We used to go to town and you'd be talking away and I'd wait for you to shut up and you never would!" So here I was, opening up my heart to him and he's waiting for me to shut up.

Fast forward a bit...I remarried to a wonderful man that loved me with all his heart and soul...and I, him. One day I'm working on my crafts and he's sitting there just killing time and he says, "I love it when you make those happy sounds." Those happy sounds? What are you talking about? "Oh, whistling, and singing and stuff. I could just listen to the sound of your voice for hours!"

Same scenario...different person. One person fit with me, one didn't, that's all.

There's nothing wrong with you being you. Granted, if you're married and something bugs the other person and they TELL you about it, you can try not to do it, but when they don't tell you until you're divorced, it's a little late for that relationship.

Seriously, take on a new hobby like Salsa dancing. Do something physically active and get a make-over.

Dragonfire,
I am probably not the best person to give advice as I have such a hard time adhering to advice given OR perhaps I am one to give advice since I've lived with some of the issues.

Do you like yourself? I mean, really like yourself? Not the picture that your X painted of you but who you know yourself to be.

If the answer is YES then maybe Greengables is right in that you just need to do some polishing. Do things you enjoy and things that would benefit you such as physical exercise.

50 is young, especially when you are looking back at 50 as I am. I still consider myself young at 52. My DD and I are taking a bootcamp class three mornings a week at the local gym.

I too don't want to grow old alone and don't want to always be the 5th wheel at every function. I have lots of housekeeping to do in my life as well, but folks here give great advice. Sadly, they can't make us take it or use it or do it - otherwise we'd all be great and no one would be posting on the boards.

Seriously though, take stock of what you like about yourself and build on that. I imagine there are lots of men out there that are still looking for good women - or at least I sure hope so.

Hi Everyone

I haven't been on line for a while - as Life2short & Greengables suggested, I've been trying to do some self polishing.

I'm still trying to get STBX to agree to the settlement - Oh Boy - you would think he was the victim! My Attorney thinks that the offer I've put on the table is crazy, as all I've asked for is the property and Health benefits. However, he's to cover all our sons costs. I know I could go to Maintenance Court and get Personal Alimony, but at what cost and how long would the 'fight' go on?

OK, so back to the 'Self Polishing', I've taken a look at who I am, and what I'm good at. I must say that it's been difficult as I'm a modest person regarding who I am.
With the settlement I've offered, it will mean that I'll need to go back to work, both for the financial and emotional stimulation. And that's the 'problem'.
If I re-ignite my company, there's no guarantee of either getting contracts, or if I do, can I handle the huge stress that goes with it - so that's a debatable option.
I'm keen on trying to get someway of using the Graphology, I've been studying. With my own son not really having a strong direction of what career to follow, I was thinking of developing a 'Graphology Test' for young people, which will show their strengths and what direction they should think of going forward.
I'm also going to look into getting a diploma to coach horse riding, as this is where I do have experience. It is also something I can do, regardless of how my MS progresses.

But, firstly I need to pay attention to my house and garden.I've let it go a bit and I feel that if that's looking good, it will give me a better feeling about my space, and may even help eradicate some of the lingering 'memories' from my STBX.

But regardless of my plans, after devoting 25 years to a marriage, working, being Mom and wife, it's really difficult to know what 'I' like. I was chatting to a friend yesterday, and he said "what have you always wanted to do, because now you can"
My honest answer "I don't know", and that's because I've never given myself the opportunity to explore my likes/dislikes

That's just so dang sweet! Glad you found that in your life KC... that's rare.

DF-

There's a good book called "When He Leaves" by Kari West and Noelle Quinn that might be helpful. It's a Christian based book, but it also is a workbook with activities that I found very helpful in working through all the "junk" that an A and D brings.

It helped me a lot.

I agree that re-inventing yourself? Bah! Learning to like who you are, yay!.

I am sure you are more awesome than you think you are now anyways. Don't let STBX make you put yourself under a microscope.