You go on which yo bad self, mom!

So, it appears that the beginning of the end is here. last night ws came home, nice dinner as a family, walked together, some light talking about his job, came home, adult daughter asked/confronted him regarding ink cartridge needed for computer(she had two huge grad school papers to print) she was angry. he calmly said, 'i won't allow you to talkt o me like this' and walked away. later, i was worried about our 15yr old son(suffers from depression) he was outside alone at 9pm, told ws. he was unaffected. even got on his blackberry with email from overseas(where sweetie is) and i said, what are you doing? he said, email from "place". i said, you're not even concerned about our son? he said, what do you want me to do?
half hour later, in kitchen, daughter begrudgingly apologizes to ws for her attitude. he told her that he won't be mistreated(after years of mistreating us) then teen-age son more or less told ws he sucks(not those workds,but something derogatory) ws went to bedroom. i shortly followed. he said, 'i'm done. i can't do this anymore. i can't this abuse" i said, 'ok, alright'. i also said,' i am sorry you are hurting so much right now" he said, 'i need time for myself right now" "goodnight wife" then i left.
this am early, ws leaving for work, i went into our bedroom, he said, ' i think it's time for me to move out" i said, 'ok, alright" he said, 'things have to radically change around here or i am leaving". i said 'ok, alright"
so ws has already planned, schemed and set in motion his plan. i am going to let him go.
we are to see a pastor this afternoon. he said before leaving, ' i hope pastor has something to say that is enlightening" or something to that effect.
ws has already left the building-i am going to let him go. i am not going to fight, argue or plead. my teenager is very vulnerable and needs me. ws sees NOTHING of what he is doing to our older kids(younger two are mostly unaware)
i get 3 hours of sleep at night, have a wicked cough and brewing sinus infection, no $ since ws moved it all and i am stressed to the max. he can go and have his cake or whatever else he wants. he wins. he gets the prize.
knowing ws, and mucho reading the last few days on mid-life crisis, it looks HIGHLY unlikely that ws is going to "get it" and return home to his family. he already had his new life planned out and his future mate. i am not strong enough to be one of those who waits months and years, to then have a ws not return anyway.
thank you all for your support and kindness during this period in my life. it has been very painful and your support has lifted me up and kept me sane. i am not going to be a punching bag, a doormat or a fool. my ws is lost, he IS a lost soul and only time will tell what the outcome is for his life.
my kids are so precious to me and losing their father like this is awful, terrible, disgusting, hurtful, unbelievable. the last 37 days has shown me some of my own faults and contributions to our poor relationship. i asked for forgiveness, he gave none. i asked for a new beginning, he wants one elsewhere. i expressed my love and commitment, he hardened his heart.
i know i have exhausted my own possibilities to restoring our marriage and creating a new one. i am at peace over this fact. i can look at my beautiful children and KNOW that i tried to do the right thing. their ws has other plans.
it's going to be ok. i have God on my side and wonderfully loving children and friends who support and love me.
i will let you know how it's going but i am most likely not moving to a plan B.
love and blessings to all

If there ever was a jerkwad that needed to be Plan B'd...


REALLY???? He's betraying his family every chance he gets, and they are abusive?

What amazing fogbabble...

Mom, fighting, or letting go, do Plan B anyway. Got it? Do it anyway!

DARK.

You have to show him his actions do not lead to an amicable split. OK?

Little boy needs to man up and put on his big boy underwear.

mom,

Please pause and take lots of deep breaths - you are under incredible stress - it looks like you need a plan B approach for you sanity but dont throw in the towel - can I tell you that on day 35 I was ready to meet with the attorney and file but decided to take a breath and give it time - two weeks of hell after that before the breakthrough and my husbands realization of his actions and selfish behavior - please hang in there but go ahead and start plan B!

mom,

Also remember you are sleep deprived and its reallllly hard to
think clearly on auto pilot!

I am unable to do a complete plan b as suggested because i have no one to be the intermediary with the kids etc. we are new to state, just don't have that kind of friendship established yet. ws took the money into new account to do future bills-he has told me that i can do them with him(watch) then he will give xxx amount of $ for living expenses.
i cannot go completely dark and i am afraid to NOT get an attorney involved regarding visitation and custody of my kids. do i file for legal separation? not file for anything?
i am sorry-the stress(and my illness) are wearing me down, down, down. worry over my teen is causing me great angst.
you are all so terrific.
i have to book saa. i will look at it shortly

You are certainly within your rights to go straight to Plan D. I'd still suggest Plan B.

You didn't move any of the money? He got it all? I know this has been exhausting, mom, but you need to straighten up here, for a second. You need to take another look at the money situation. Is there any money, anywhere, that you can secure?

You may not want to deal with this right now, but you need to. You and your children are financially dependent on a man who is taking all his money away. That won't do.

You mentioned awhile ago good credit and available line to tap
do it now so you can talk to an attorney - you can talk about
separation to protect finances but slow down - the plan B is
to save your sanity it doesnt have to be forever and you may just have to use an attorney as an itermediary - read SAA asap so you understand the fog and fantasy your husband in living in!

there is a life insurance policy i am going to cash out(my name worth over 7grand) i have cash advances available on two credit cards(but will carry high interest) i have some jewelry i can wsell.
i have a depressed teen who is (right now non)homeschooled and i have to not run around all day and leave him alone.
there are BIG stresses right here, right now.
i DO appreciate the advise and counsel.
i am going to try and focus going forward today. thank you all

Also in most cases the betrayed spouse ends up filing becaues the WS is feeling guilty and drags their feet -

If you think you can handle it for plan B I made a policy of email ONLY so we didnt get emotional but that was only the first 14 days he was out of town but I had kicked him out of the house when I confirmed the affair -

You are right. This is classic WW setting YOU up so YOU feel responsible for choices that he already made. You are going to have to let him go.

There are people here who may be willing to IM (mod) for you. Really, it is taking the pertainent information from a message, and passing on ONLY what is 100% neccessary to both parties.

So simple I am sure it is hard.

You better buckle your seat belt. He is way, way into the fog and it is going to be one heck of a ride.

what is WW?

I want to let him go-just went thru hidden paperwork, notes, etc. made me sick to my stomach. I don't want to be this person. I want to get on with my life. I have become physically ill from the stress-he really is not worth it. Are my children and family worth it? Absolutely, but if ws makes decisions and choices, I am not in control of those, only in control of me and what I can provide to our children(they are awesome btw
WS has never had much of a conscience about our relationship, no ownership, that certainly isn't going ot change now.
I just hope he's out by week's end.
i am sure he's using the visit with pastor this evening as "final decision". Go GOD!!!!!
thank you

Give it a short stop right here. Is this the real, and actual truth? He has NEVER been a partner and friend to you, EVER? Or is your current context causing you to rewrite your marital history?

If you just walk away, when the pain subsides, will this still be your assessment of the ENTIRE marriage?

mom,

you probably are one of those people who needs to be in control at all times - just like me - that is why you are the first person I have ever tried to help on here - your husband is alot like mine too - the whole kid thing and resentment of how much YOU are handling by yourself is very overwhelming - I can relate to it - let him move out and start plan B - read! ww is wayward wife I meant to write WH which is wayward husband -

when you read SAA you will learn how fog impacts all the decisions your husband has and will make - have you told any close friends and relatives whats going on - you need adult support.

Also you know about the stages of grief - you will go through all of them - right now you are angry and that means you want to find control and that would be by making some decisions!

headheldhigh,
ws has been a workaholic, very much living his own agenda for 23+years leaving me with kids, life, etc. he has played provider role very well, outside of that VERY little in way of parenting or partnership. he has traveled and come and gone, gone to bed without saying goodnight, not telling me specific travel itinerary, etc for years. (mostly work and travel, NOT going to bars, golfing, etc, well, not that i know of)
goldengirl,
i have told a few close friends and get support readily. i never see myself as a "control freak" but ws's inability to show leadership FORCED me very early on in our marriage to "be the boss" at home. it's funny, ws is a hugely successful, albeit quiet, upper exec. he is a very good leader and team builder, very fair and thought of very highly by peers and subordinates. emotionally, he has always been ill-equipped to lead at home, so left it to me instead of trying. he did spend many of the early years drinking on weekend(evenings, not all weekend) but relinquished all parenting responsibility to ME. i made it work, and you bet, i realize i resent it like h*ll, but that is all i knew/know and we have both paid a huge price.
also, ws has shown very little respect at times for our older 3 kids, now 22, 20, 15. has called names, threatened(you can go live on the street-i'm in charge, very much an emotional rager and bully) otherwise, very introverted and detached so as not to have to "deal' with family life.
last night, ws felt he was expressing his woosy feelings at being offended by the kids "picking on him". in reality, they don't respect him because he doesn't act like a father. he accuses me/kids of he's "only a paycheck" but honestly, he has set it up this way.
do i see good in him? absolutely. have i contributed to our troubles? you bet-we are both realizing what dysfunctional upbringings we came from, but i did go to him on day 5 of this ordeal, tell him what specific grievances i committed and needs i did not meet, and ask for forgiveness. his heart is cold and closed to me, so no matter what i DO, it's not going to penetrate.
getting ready for plan b
thanks to all

My husband traveled and was a workaholic as well leaving me to homefront but not issue with disrespect of kids - they were younger than yours though - I never resented the fact that I took on almost all the care of the kids - that is the number one thing that changed on day 35 for us and now it is team effort and he actually cares whats going on with the kids.

the paycheck comment was used at my house too!