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Joined: Dec 2008
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You gals are singing my story with the tactics of the POW.

I agree that there seems to be an awful lot of them out there... willing to do whatever and WHOEVER to get ahead in life. Some seem to want a H while some just want a Sugar Daddy. Either way, they are aggressive and unshameful in their pursuit.

There seems to be no moral code for these women. In my sitch, her family knew of WHs status and didn't dissuade her from going after him. My sister's staked out OWs house near D-day to assess the situation. OW's mother was loading bags and bags of items -- looked like clothing -- into her trunk. Come to find out, she was helping OW clean out a closet for WH since I had kicked him out and he was staying there. So the apple didn't fall far from the tree here!!

And I learned that OW had given a house key to WH so he could come and go as he wanted... and this was before I kicked him out... so early on in their relationship. So here is a woman who lives with three kids -- the youngest is 10 -- and she gives a key to this man? This was another tactic -- that she TRUSTED him with her house, her possessions, with her children.

The key seemed to be a big deal when -- during each of their breakups -- how the key would be returned would come into play. One time, WH left when she and the kids were out to dinner and the key was left under the front mat. Another time, on the night stand. Another time, OW sent over a friend to meet him in a parking lot where they exchanged a bag of his items for the key.

And the manipulation was also in the "bag" -- not a plain trash bag, but a big, fancy bag from "Juicy Couteur" to let me know that WH bought her items there (I had already seen it on the credit card statement). This was not a place I shopped since it's really expensive and the only shops are out of town.

See.... all in the "manipulation" and the "stick it to the wife" mentality.

She was also outward with her methods for me. She would leave me text messages. She would show up at events WH attended when we were back together. She would not take no for an answer. Yes, she would say she understood and that WHs happiness was what she wanted. Then she would accidentally run into him somewhere. I really believe she parked near his office and tailed him to make sure she was where he was. And of course, they would say to each other "the universe is pulling us together." She called me one time -- "woman to woman" -- to let me know that WH had just left her home after a several hour romp. What a NICE gal!!!

The other thought on this is that my WH is in midlife where many of his actions points to a crisis of identity -- of wondering if this is all that life has in store from him and feeling stalled by the daily grind of work, home, kids, repeat. OW offered a 180 turn with freedom to travel (she'd drop her kids off with anyone), to spend (she didn't care if the credit cards maxed out), to live (she didn't have a regular job so she was available 24/7).

Her other tactics involved sex. I know this because WH came home "shaved" -- and doing "different" SF moves. He talked about toys and threesomes and other kinky stuff that I've no doubt OW introduced him to. I mean -- when you're an older man and a young Bimbo is performing for you like a pro -- it was much easier to cross the boundary because the PRIZE was more enticing -- than maybe ever before in his life.

That's my point. When these POW hook them once -- and hook them BIG in a sexual way -- they know that he's going to come back time and time again. It's like the drug dealer giving them FREE meth to get them feeling good then gradually raising the price so the druggy does whatever to russel up the cash for his next fix.

And I'm not giving my WH a free pass here. He should have said no and meant it.


Joined: Mar 2008
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Wow, HH.

I never knew you had to deal directly with all that.

serious.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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For predatory OP, a married person is simply a much bigger prize. "He/she is ignoring his/her spouse for ME. That's how awesome and special *I* am. He/she could be with their spouse, but they're lying to their own spouse for ME ME ME."

The attention/admiration meter goes off the charts, and the predatory OP is thrilled and keeps wanting more and more and more of this. Married targets provide it.

Trouble is, once the target's marriage is destroyed by this he/she is often not so attractive because now they're just like anybody else. The predator no longer has the thrill of being chosen over a spouse and will often move on to a bigger and better married target.

Some predatory OP are themselves married and use their married status to entice and flatter the target for the same reason described above: "I'm ignoring my spouse for YOU. That's how special YOU are."

But these predators never realize that once they destroy their own marriage with this behaviour, they become just another divorced loser trying to get a date and aren't as "special" as they thought.

Heh.


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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FWIW, I think that being predatory is a necessary quality for any person to seek out or continue a relationship with someone who is married to another person. Clearly, most OM/W do not even consider the feelings of the BS or even the WS. Yet if someday, they end up being cheated on,well then it somehow seems different. I know that in my sitch, the OW really believed that she was the victim because my FWH and I did stay together. The fact that she knew he was married and worked dilligently towards enticing my FWH into an affair, never seemed to sink in.



I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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Originally Posted by WhoMe
Clearly, most OM/W do not even consider the feelings of the BS or even the WS. Yet if someday, they end up being cheated on,well then it somehow seems different.

I would agree if OW were a SANE person. However, in my sitch, WH told me that OW had been cheated on in the past. That she went through extensive counseling to deal with it. YET -- she had no problem being the cheater this time? Sick! Makes you wonder if she saw the POWER of the OW over the wife in her past experience and this time -- she wanted to be the OW, the one she saw with this so called POWER since she's very, very aggressive towards me and very, very controlling of their relationship.

At the beginning, OW went along with being in the shadows, the dark, hiding like the cockroach... actually more like a black widow spider. Then she made her move. Cold and calculating and manipulative. Exposure didn't matter to her. She kept WH away from his kids, his parents, his friends. Anyone who would speak up and voice their objections. Instead, she surrounded him with her friends, her family, people who make it feel right, all the while feeding the high -- his addicitions. With him in HER house, it was easy. Like a captive. Brain washing all the while.

I've posted before that WH was led to believe that I sent OW offensive text messages and voice mails DAILY. He said she's fearful because of these, can't stay home by herself, blah, blah, blah. I am not doing this nor is anyone I know. She's lying as part of the manipulation. I've since learned that there are free phone aps that send fake messages that appear to look like they are from a particular party. Even the phone bill shows the incoming text or call as coming from a phony number. She has my cell number. I have no doubt that she's orchastrated the whole thing. She set me up to look like I'm harrassing her to turn WH away. And she's succeeded!

Am I bitter? Of course. I live in this town too, my 25th wedding anniversary is this month and "Slick and Slut" FLAUNT their togetherness without regard to civility, to common decency, to any kind of code. The public display was gradual. Now it's full blown. And why not since they're ENGAGED despite the D being no where near settled (funny since WH is not cooperating).

Another thing -- these predator types... I believe want to be married. That's the final punch in the stomach and F U to the wife. It buys them legitimacy. It buys them financial support when the marriage ends in divorce. Being the woman WH MARRYS ends most chances of friendship or recovery or CHEATING with BS. Face it, people think BSs are IDIOTS if they hold out hope once the wedding happens. When you ask BSs on the board, most say that their WS marrying the OP is the "deal breaker" the final straw to their love bank. Once that happens, they give up and move on.

The POW knows this final act destroys the competition. That's what the predators goal is.... to "win" at all costs.

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First of all I'm sorry for those who have once dealt with/are dealing with the predator op's.

The difference in the ema's with the predatories is this..my former m was not bad. Nope. Not at all. It was the addition of MORE attention than he got before. And being with a woman who he didn't have to share being in 1st place with (as I had a small child at the time).

Mulan is so right. The predatory op seriously stalk their prey. They will twist and do whatever they can to change the alliances of their mm or mw. I mean, similar to Mulan's case, my xh's ow (was single), when he told her he wished to break it off with her and go back to me and our child, she told him she'd support him in that since they were such good friends. puke j So she took him to a church seminar on how to strengthen your marriage..with HIM. With my H. And he of course got busted by my friends from our sunday school class who were there w/their spouses. She was what I call a mind [censored]. Seriously a mind warp.



Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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But the op who is predatory will not respond imho to plan a or b or d. Nothing. Now the ow did respond to plan D b/c I placed her sl*tty name out there for the world to see and re-exposed even again.

One thing that is important is the op getting the ws and finding some way of becoming legitimized. That is their goal 100 percent. Legitimacy. My xh's ow (the first one, as there were two at the same time..go figure), was on the prowl for a sugar daddy hubby. She aimed high and ended up after wrecking several marriages, marrying last year a rich guy who is old and imho, not at all attractive (recon from friends back home). Literally she is the girl from the eagles song "lyin eyes".

She tried to be "mommy" to my child, she did all kinds of subversive evil things. Very under the radar evil things. So if you are dealing with the type of predator which has a 100 percent agenda, as mine did, you have to know that unless exposure works on your end, and plan a and b works on your end, that's all. There was in my case, no reason for the ow to end with my xh.

Another thing they do want is marriage 100 percent. Why? They know how we felt to be cheated on and that we probably wouldn't want the ow/or om's sloppy seconds. It is indeed the final nail on the coffin. Like Mulan, my xh was engaged to ow2 when he got her pregnant. We weren't even close to divorced yet either. He married ow2 (her family put intense pressure on him) the first day the office was open after new years', like the day or two after our d was final. She was to give birth on my birthday (but damn thankfully she didn't).

So I was one of those xw's who had to first of all mourn the loss of the m, but only also have to feel the sting of both a wedding and a baby immediately after. It's not funny.

And yes, the op who is the predatory type is seeking usually somebody who (if it is the ow) can support them financially. After all, that marriage ain't gonna last, so they want to live it up. But they end up in the last chapter of their affair story, destroying themselves. Never fear Mulan (and other posters), that they will end up unhappy. My x and the ow are divorcing right now. And I sure hope that the affairage of my xh's ow1, the vile and evil monkeyho, is lovin' going to bed each night with her rich prune of a hubby. I give that maybe five years. Or else she may end up the star of an episode on "snapped". lol!

I would like to see a way to deal with these types. They are almost indestructable when it comes to getting what they want. Guilt? No such thing. Mind trips? Always the daily special.

These types are the ones that imho have to be seriously mentally disturbed b/c nobody in their sane mind could carry on like that hurting families and marriages without a conscience. Imho, all it takes is for a man or woman to be at the wrong place and either have one too many beers or cocktails, or meet the wrong friend of a friend of a friend when they're out and suddenly there is a target on their back.

Yes, for some of these op (mostly ow imho), they do set a trap and they do have targets. Specific types they seek. I know this for a fact, as ow1 did the same thing to a family right before she went after my xh meeting him out during an innocent guys' night out for Monday night football at the local irish pub. He had been (the former guy she targeted) a good looking pilot with two small kids and a pretty w from what I've heard. I also heard she loved his cars and his house. So that was how she got the guys in her crosshairs. She had single and married gf's and would go out with them and her guy friends. If somebody knew somebody they'd talk to them. She would use basically her circle of friends to do recon on guys. Somebody, somewhere that sunday night told her, oh that guy? Yea M is a friend of a friend of mine who works at x company. He lives in x subdivision, you know the one w/the golf course. He's a ceo. He's got that cool beemer out in the parking lot too.

That is what happened and how my xh got a target on his back. He was a friend of a friend of a friend of the ow. She heard about him and went into hunter mode.

That is how these work. Like networking if you will. They do affair networking. Some of us do social networking, they do ho-networking. What was funny was a few of her friends on that night (I have confirmation of this now as her friend is a friend of my bff back home)she was indeed 100% told about my H from somebody who once knew me in college. Said all the right things about how much he made, what he did, etc. And the funny thing was they warned monkeyho, "Oh please don't do that. He's married and his w is nice. Go talk to a single guy."

She didn't. And she carefully planned out how she would accidentally run into him over the next few months, finding out from mutual friends. Scary, scary stuff. Almost stalker-like.

Last edited by peachyisback; 11/13/10 08:53 PM.

Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Dealing with a predatory OW/OM? Well if all else fails there's always;

twoxfour



The Macnut-42, W - 45 3 stepkids,
SDD - 27, SDS1 - 22, SDS2 - 18
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