That is a good suggestion, journaling. I am sorry you are going through this. My H did not have a PA, but a very brief EA and it getting through the last two years have been very, very hard and raw. I imagine you will be hurt for a long time.

One year ago today was d day. I'm sitting here in tears.

I'm still so hurt and angry inside. Just got off the phone with my brother.

It seems that all involved are moving forward and finding some joy. I feel stuck and damaged.
My husband and I are doing good. He continues to be there for me and our relationship is better than it has been in a long time.

I asked my brother if his wife is sorry at all for the hurt she has caused me personally, in hopes that knowing wether or not she is will help me on the inside. I wonder if I keep looking outward for help for the inside.

I feel like I'm missing some pieces to the puzzle of healing. My anxiety disorder has been bad and had to go back on meds after trying to go off.
My self esteem is dog poo. There are times I feel hatred for myself.

I can't seem to find peace and my heart just aches.

Someone please tell me where I'm going wrong.

Here's a pretty good recent active thread with some good posts seemingly on the subject of what you are experiencing:

Half Units thread


The only thing you may be doing wrong is not developing and implementing a recovery plan. Recovery doesn't just happen by itself. You said things are going "pretty good"...well, after infidelity that's often not good enough. Great...should be the goal and you'll need a plan to achieve it.

Is your husband willing to do some work? Such work doesn't mean you two are going back and rehashing what happened in the affair. The "work" is what you two do going forward to build a spectacular marriage.

Again...what's your plan?

Mr. Wondering

You are doing nothing wrong.



^ read this to yourself. This was what came from you. You admit it, you feel it.

Time. It takes time.

So far, how has time served you? Well, it seems.

Well, I'm not convinced you have "gone wrong".
How's that for a response?

Try not to make comparisons with the seemingly better/faster recovery of your brother. You only know what they want to tell you.

Try keeping a gratitude journal.
Every day make your focus on something you are grateful for an appreciative of.

(((( hugs ))))

Carka,

My Dad died Sept 15.
He was a very old man & his death was expected..
However, I am grieving the loss daily, in a very real way.
I signed up for a daily affirmation email from the mortuary.
They have helped me a lot.
Here is today's.

Today it is raining.

See, that's the frustrating part.
He is here and willing to do what it takes to heal.

At this time it is me who feels like the problem. My husband and I spend a lot of time together and we are doing pretty good. The stuggles I'm dealing with, I feel, are inside me and eating me up.

Took me a minute, but I get what you are saying.

Have you thought about opening up a new thread in the "In Recovery" forum and closing this one down? Usually, the issues you face while recovering are different than the issues you face fighting an active affair. And a very different mental discipline.

You're one year out from D-Day. It may be a good time to change your focus from dealing with the fallout of his affair, to building an interdependent and happier lifestyle.

Take it a day at a time. Enjoy the good moments of the day... each day. Give yourself a chance to love and to be loved again.

You are lucky. I am not so. My WH is still holding on to his A. Trying to let go but can't. I don't know if I will have the chance to be where you are and to move on to recovery.

If my WH can let go, then I can't wait to start anew and appreciate that chance for a saved marriage.

Appreciate what you have managed to save. I wish you all the best. You are lucky to be on recovery. You will be okay.

Hello Carka,

Just wanted to let you know that there are several of us here that are dealing with your situation of an affair between family members.

Part of the problem with recovery is that the family just wants to put everything back the way it was which it cannot ever be because you MUST NOT EVER HAVE CONTACT WITH THE FAMILY MEMBER OP!!!

I have not spoken to my brother in FOUR years and probably never will again except for family legal matters for inheritance and funeral matters.

This has created a LOT of anger in my dad who doesn't want to see the truth of what my unrepentant brother is doing. He manipulates the situation to appear that HE is the victim and my dad feels sorry for him...

My dad when we invite him to family gatherings comes and pouts the whole time so that everyone sees how horrible Mrs.Flint and I are for having no contact with my brother.

Dad fails to see the truth which is that my brother is the OM.

If my mother had had an affair (she passed away in 2007) and I suggested to dad that we invite my mother's OM to the event he would think it was absolutely ABSURD to invite my mother's ex-lover to family events!!! He doesn't see that contact with my brother would be the EXACT SAME THING!!!

The point is you can't put your family back the way it was.

You have to develop a new way of dealing with family members.

ANYONE WHO DOES NOT SUPPORT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND IN YOUR MARRIAGE MUST BE EXCLUDED FROM YOUR LIFE!!!

If my father EVER suggests that I should choose my brother over Mrs.Flint I would be forced to exclude my father from my life.

What my dad doesn't seem to get is that even IF I were to divorce from Mrs.Flint it STILL would not restore the family because I would STILL not want anything to do with my ex-brother because of who and what he is...

You will never get your family to see the truth because they just want to have the family back together again.

Read my thread on my signature line and you will see that I had to deal with a lot of the same things you are going through and it's because I thought I could put scrambled eggs back into the shell.

You can't.

Make a new life with those that support your M.

God bless.

Jim

Thanks Jim!

Just wondering if I could get this whole thread moved over to recovery? How would I go about that?

Thankyou all! This site is amazing!

I do very much appreciate still having my marriage.
I wish you recovery as well. Hang in there and stay strong.

Oh, I forgot to add a new bit of info.... My brother and his wife are expecting.

It's hard to know how to feel about it knowing that her and my husband talked about what their baby would look like if they were to have one.

Hit the "notify" button and make your request to the mods.

Yeah, but you know that this is just a bunch of junior-high drivel, right? Maybe it would help you if you thought about their discussion, and then immediately visualized them carving their initials into a tree, like puppy-love children do. Imagine that ridiculous image. And really mentally camp their actions up to make it as ridiculous an image as you can. Maybe that'll help.

Hello Carka,

Do you suspect that your brother and sister in law's baby may be your H?

Or simply that you are triggering over what they had said?

Have you back tracked the gestation date to see what the condition of your M and the state of mind of your H was at that time?

Lastly, how much curiosity has he shown in the pregnancy?

Hopefully it's just the worry we all had during early recovery rearing it's head.

Either way, you have friends here to support you!

Jim

Husband and I have been in recovery for a year and we are doing really good.
There is no possible way H is the father. My Bro and his wife are very newly expecting.

I think it just triggers stuff from the past for me.

H could care less that they are expecting.