My Dearest WH-
My hearts desire is to have a marriage with you where we recreate and sustain our feelings for romantic love. The light bulb has gone on for me. We can do this. We can succeed with this goal regardless of the past. Our hope lies in following a plan that isn't our own. As we both know from the past our own path to recovery for recovering our love was not effective. So my love, here is the path that I need and would love to take with you.

1. We will care for each other and learn to create a lifestyle of being each others source of happiness. We will learn to meet each others emotional needs.
2. We will protect each other from future hurts and have a no tolerance policy
3. We will spend a minimum of 15 hours per week of undivided attention, using the time to meet each others emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship.
4. We will be radically honest with each other, an open book, full transparency-

EMOTIONAL HONESTY: Reveal your emotional reactions, both positive and negative, to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse's behavior.

HISTORICAL HONESTY: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure.

CURRENT HONESTY: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse.
FUTURE HONESTY: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives. open book, transparency, etc
5. We will make decisions together and work towards never doing anything without an enthusiastic agreement between each other.
6. We will be each others exclusive source of happiness
7. We will take extraordinary measures and precautions with accountability to have no further contact with past lovers and past relationships that have been destructive to our marriage.

I will commit to following this path with you and make myself a source of happiness for you. If you choose to take my hand and walk together my resource for this hope is www.marriagebuilders.com.

Please let me know if we can start our recovery process.

With all my love,
BS

Yeah. I wrote a bunch of letters like this during Plan A. Don't know if they worked or not... got absolutely NO response from my FWW during that time.

Your energy is best spent on meeting intimate emotional needs together. Maybe a letter like this meets the need for intimate conversation, I dunno. Go ahead and send it, but do so without any expectation of a positive response. And you may even get a negative response.

Hi doormat_no_more-
Jennifer H-C. reccomended that I send this letter to WH. I know I will not get a positive response. But that is ok since Plan A is doormat phase correct?
Thanks for the response. The more the merrier.

I wouldn't bring him to this website.
This needs to be your safe haven for advice and strategy.
Bring him here if he ACCEPTS your offer and wants recovery.

The letter sounds just a bit authoritative to me. we WILL do this, we WILL do that. Maybe change it to I WILL, and I ask the same from you.

Hi Lexxxy-
Thanks for the suggestions. I will mull it over and try to come up with better wording. I think Jennifer H-C wants it to show the steps we must take and that we will do xyz to achieve our recovery.
I am leary about adding the website too but Jennifer H-C recommends it. Any other thoughts?

What do you all think of this change.....


1. We would care for each other and learn to create a lifestyle of being each others source of happiness. We will learn to meet each others emotional needs.
2. We would protect each other from future hurts and have a no tolerance policy
3. We would spend a minimum of 15 hours per week of undivided attention, using the time to meet each others emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship.
4. We would be radically honest with each other, an open book, full transparency-

EMOTIONAL HONESTY: Reveal your emotional reactions, both positive and negative, to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse's behavior.

HISTORICAL HONESTY: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure.

CURRENT HONESTY: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse.
FUTURE HONESTY: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives. open book, transparency, etc
5. We would make decisions together and work towards never doing anything without an enthusiastic agreement between each other.
6. We would be each others exclusive source of happiness
7. We would take extraordinary measures and precautions with accountability to have no further contact with past lovers and past relationships that have been destructive to our marriage.

Hi kartoread - I'm a FWW who is trying to Plan A my BH, so our situations are different, but JC also gave me the same advice re: writing a letter. JC suggested to me using the words "I promise" instead of "We will/would." Maybe that language suggestion is b/c I'm the FWW trying to win back my H and encourage him to participate in MB, the vets may chime in to offer some light on that. I think the point is that whatever shoes you're wearing, you are the spouse trying to convince a reluctant spouse to engage in recovery. I can't make promises for my DH to keep, just as I can't control his reactions to me - I can only make promises for myself, and I can only control myself.

My Dearest WH-
My hearts desire is to have a marriage with you where we recreate and sustain our feelings for romantic love. The light bulb has gone on for me. We can do this. We can succeed with this goal regardless of the past. My hope lies in following a plan that isn't our ownAs we both know from the past our own path to recovery for recovering our love was not effective. that will save our marriage. So my love, here is the path that I need and would love to take with you.ask you to take with me:

1. To learn to care for each other and create a lifestyle of being each others source of happiness. We can learn to meet each others emotional needs.
2. To protect each other from future hurts.
3. To spend 15 hours per week of undivided attention, using the time to meet each others emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship.
4. To be radically honest with each other, an open book, full transparency.
5. To make decisions together and work towards never doing anything without an enthusiastic agreement between each other.
6. To be each others exclusive source of happiness
7. To have extraordinary measures and precautions with accountability to have no further contact with past lovers and past relationships that have been destructive to our marriage.

I will commit to following this path with you and make myself a source of happiness for you. Please take my hand and walk together on this path.

Please let me know if we can start our recovery process.

With all my love,
BS

I really don't understand the letter writing.
My XBH wrote me such a letter and it really just annoyed me.
I didn't treasure it or hang on to it. I destoyed it almost immediately. My only thought was "what a bunch of hooey".

Maybe men recieve such things differently than women...??

But if its recommended by the expert, you should do it.

Don't be in a rush to send it yet!
Give it a couple days to collect replies.

You'll get some great replies from others if you are patient.

(speaking in a soft, gentle voice) I will comment that as a FWH, it needs some help..... Not much of a love letter to me, it reads more like a list of things I'm gonna have to do for you..... Like a honey-do list.... Sounds like work, not romance.

I'm sure it's hard to write a love letter to someone that's hurt you so much... I admire your efforts!

I wouldn't send it. Mainly because of your second sentence. Also, most waywards aren't in a position to be receptive to Plan A love letters.

I fight it, but I agree.

Rather than a letter outlining anything, why not cut the program stuff out - declare your love and commitment etc.

In the early part of all this, I slipped a little letter into FWW's purse each and every morning. They may not have meant much then.... maybe. She still has them all now, if that is a signal for anything.

I suppose I have to weigh in here.

As a general note, it isn't a love letter. It's a plan-for-the- marriage letter. Which is fine, if that is your intent.

But....and you knew it would be there.....the emphasis on this letter really isn't even on the plan, or what "you" want to do.

From my standpoint, if your hubby were to bring it to me, I would tell him you are giving him a message that YOU WANT HIM to be HONEST with YOU. And that the letter is geared to push him towards a compromise with you, to an agreement that he will try a program to recover the marriage, but that the major issue you are speaking to right now is HONESTY.

That you have a burning desire, a need, to feel that you have the truth about everything that has happened recently, but also something that you feel that you do not have the truth about that perhaps happened awhile ago in the past.

I have not read any of your other threads, if there are any.


My next post will change this to a love letter, if that is what you really want to send. Your choice, of course.

Schoolbus

Dear hubby,

I have made mistakes in the course of our marriage. I think we both know that. I've come to understand some things about myself that I wish I had known years ago, but hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

Now I am faced with losing you, because I have done the unthinkable - I became passive in my own marriage, and I have learned that marriages require much more than just "being there". If anyone would ever have asked me if I loved you, my response would have been "Yes, of course". Only the problem was that I didn't love you in the way that you needed to be loved - and I went about life loving passively and taking you for granted, and expecting somehow that this was enough to make our marriage be a terrific place for both of us to be. The fact is that the state of our marriage prior to your affairs was not conducive to a loving relationship - and I now understand that we both contributed to that. I see my part in the marriage, and understand what I can do to change myself, and our relationship, if you are willing to join me.


More than anything, I want you to know that I love you, and through this terrible ordeal that is the one thing that has really come out of all of it - the vibrant truth that I love you and want our marriage to recover.

I realize that your choice may be that you do not want this to happen, and that you may choose another path. Either way, I will make changes in myself - because for my own future I must become a better person. I have a plan, and have been working on these changes within myself, so that we CAN move forward in a marriage that is strong, and one that is better protected from future affairs.

I ask that you consider working this plan with me, and returning to the marriage so that we can do this together. I believe in you, and I believe in the love we have for one another. Somehow I know that love is still there, and that we can rebuild our marriage on the foundation of that love, and along with the changes to the relationship (and ourselves), I believe our marriage will thrive.

Here are just some of the things I have been doing, and part of the plan I think might work for us:

1. We would care for each other and learn to create a lifestyle of being each others source of happiness. We will learn to meet each others emotional needs, by understanding what the needs are, and being ACTIVE in meeting them.
2. We would protect each other from future hurts and have a no tolerance policy for other relationships (such as opposite sex friendships) in the marriage.
3. We would spend a minimum of 15 hours per week of undivided attention, using the time to meet each others emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship.
4. We would be radically honest with each other, an open book, full transparency-

EMOTIONAL HONESTY: Reveal our emotional reactions, both positive and negative, to the events of our lives, particularly to your spouse's behavior.

HISTORICAL HONESTY: Reveal information about our personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure.

CURRENT HONESTY: Reveal information about the events of our day. Provide our spouses with a calendar of our activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse.

FUTURE HONESTY: Reveal our thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives. open book, transparency, etc.

5. We would make decisions together and work towards never doing anything without an enthusiastic agreement between each other.
6. We would be each others exclusive source of happiness, advice, and the first destination for friendship or encouragement when in time of need.
7. We would take extraordinary measures and precautions with accountability to have no further contact with past lovers and past relationships that have been destructive to our marriage.


I believe in our marriage. I believe in our love. I believe that we can recover our relationship and make it stronger than it has ever been, even better than when we first began. I believe in you.


kar

Schoolbus, you have such a magnificent way with words!

Much better. This, I would go with.

That's why they pay me the big bucks. In my dreams.

Thanks schoolbus-
I like what you wrote and I also liked the ideas I got from others. Thank you all for your help. I am still deciding when to send the letter so hopefully I can get some more feedback from others.
You all rock.
Kar(kartoread)