It has been too long WHen i had talked to Steve H he said that its okay Plan A has to be in person in order for it to be any effective. I will have money after the income taxes and I will have to place a call to Steve H myself.

TRying to reach my pyschiatrist I'm not taking this well at all.

It has been too long WHen i had talked to Steve H he said that its okay Plan A has to be in person in order for it to be any effective. I will have money after the income taxes and I will have to place a call to Steve H myself.

TRying to reach my pyschiatrist I'm not taking this well at all.

I needed to use the phone to make payments so I rehooked it. Saw that he was calling both of my house and then cell phone. I didn't answer

Am I doing the right thing right now?

I think the question is for you, are you doing it to make him wonder what's up or to try to cut off the communication because it is hurtful to you?

{{{{{{Smiley Girl}}}}}}}}}

Take a deep breath. You are going to get through this. Your kids need you strong no matter what. Be strong for them.

I am so sorry your WH has his head up his fourth point of contact. I believe he is still deep in the fog and actively wayward, but you already know that.

I think it's time you start with a plan instead of reacting to whatever happens. Put yourself in a position of strength and be pro-active. I know, easier said than done. You have already started some Plan B actions, but I don't think you have done the letter yet. Plan B is more for you than anything else and maybe you need it. I think you need to expect NOTHING from him at all, and that may ease your disappointment.

I suggest you start at least thinking about what actions you need to take towards the divorce end of things. I know it's probably not what you want, but you may feel better by simply preparing for it anyway. I'm not saying to file or anything, just research and take other steps for yourself and your kids. Research some financial options.

I can't believe he would come home and not want to see his child. Then again, I can't believe my WW would willingly leave her kids either. Waywards are a strange breed indeed.

Let me think a little more on your sitch. Hang in there though, OK?

Thanks for responding SoL. I was just thinking that Pinky's trip with her POSOM is sort of like my WH's trip if you could call it that. I was thinking why am I not getting the same advice that you got during her trip? I mean you still came home and Plan A some you didn't go straight into Plan B right?

I don't know if he was gaslighting me but he prbably was when he was saying he wants to show me instead of just telling me he wants us to work. And that this trip was a good thing and that he was going to be miserable. I even come to accept the trip but wasn't sure how I was going to take it while he was on it. And I was right - I'm not doing so well. I can't sleep, and my appetite is gone. I need to make an appointment to see my pysch soon this is getting bad.

Family is coming in a week. I can call Jag on Friday to make an appointment on Wed hopefully they are still open. I know they aren't going to help me specifically but give me information and pass on some pro bono lawyers which is what I need. I tried to contact one but she only does ones that are referred to her from certain companies.

I also wanted to comment on how great my IM is so far.

I sent her the IM rules from this forum and she did great. He contacted her after not being able to get a hold of me. he was angry about an email I sent beforehand. I told him to come see his kids otherwise i'm going to do something drastic. He took it as a threat which looking back I shouldnt' have said that. Anyways she wanted to know wwhat to tell him.

I told her to tell him that I believe he's with somoeone else, and I can't allow myself to be hurt like this. But he can talk to the kids just call our her, she will send me an email and I can give her a time when to call

I said I may not be taking it well but the kids are fine, they are being taken care of etc. But if he wants to call he can call at 8pm. Sure enough he called.

I went in another room while the older 2 talked to their dad but I could somewhat hear. I heard my DD ask if he was in Iraq. He said no, and she said Where are you then? She told me that he told her something but she forgot.

I heard my DS asked if had had another DS. (for example if my DD's name was Suzy, they were asking WH if he had another Suzy). My kids filled me in on this part of the conversation.

WH said no. Then later on he asked who told you I had another DS or DD? And they said you did. And he said when did I say that?? and my kids insisted to me that he did. He told them they cannot be replaced.

I felt bad seeing my kids cry after the converstation. My DS cried because he wanted to tell WH to have a good night. I actually heard DS say good night, but hten he was like oh I forgot to ask you something but by then WH had hung up.

My DD cried the hardest - she said she just wanted him to come home. I gave her a hug and told her she can talk to me anytime she wanted to about her feelings. She did talk to me a little bit and I assured her that no matter what I love her and her daddy does too. Then i made them all laugh to cheer them up.

A key part was when my DS asked if WH wanted to talk to me. Wh said I don't think your mom wants to talk to me. I told them both that I do want to talk but I wil talk to him later.

I later emailed my IM and said i assume you gave him the message since he called. hope the converstaion wasn't too bad. She just messaged me back saying it was ok. I'm not sure if she really is filtering it or there really was nothing to the conversation. But I think she's doing great.

Another sleepless night - hopefully today will be better.

I found out where my kids got the idea of the "other kids". My Dd said that he told them over the phone in one of their conversations that he's going to get Another DD, another ds1, and another Ds2 from iraq to come over to beat them up (playfighting). I know from that he was joking. It's a little funny but not funny hearing how bad my kids took it.

SG,

You're doing great, good job! Are you going to post your plan B letter here? I know that there are a lot of folks that can provide help with that on here.

Stay strong for yourself and your kids! Just like when you ride a plane and they go over the emergency rules, you need to place the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help your kids or others!

Best,

ba

so you wh went on vacation to the OW?

Logan, UTAH?

Maybe you could send the Plan B letter to him via a message to his "Logan" FB account?

no Iowa.

I do like the idea of sending Plan B letter to him to his alternate ego account.

I have a couple of more months before he gets here for good. He comes home in March. I will do my preperations legally financially as well.

I feel like this has been another D day and I LBed all over the place sigh.

he hasn't yet said where he was or confirmed he was with her. The private number that pops up when he calls makes me know that he's using *68 to make it private. By me assuming he is, is this an LB?

Ty for reading and the ideas.

Also wanted to add he does not know that I know about the account.

You are in a very tender period of your children's lives.
Your actions will be very instructive for your kids, and will show them how to endure really bad times. That's right, I said endure.
Learning to endure the bad times in a productive way is essential for a happy life.

And, LOOK what you did right !
You encouraged them to discuss their thoughts and their feelings.
You put things/events into context.
And then, after all the salt .... you sprinkled some sweet stuff, laughter.

This is an awesome recipe to teach your kids.

Make a house rule.
Crying is definitely allowed.
And, there must be some counter balance after crying.
Like a silly dance, or a silly face-making contest.
Or arm pit farts.
Whatever provides that endorphin effect to counter balance the tears.

Now, one small comment.

Next time.
Assure the kids YOU love them and YOU will BE THERE for them.
Leave Daddy's love for them in his court.
If you say "Daddy loves you" as Daddy is conducting himself in unloving ways, it is very confusing for them.
You do not want your kids to associate unloving actions with love.

You just do not comment on his feelings at all.
You say: "Ask Daddy how he feels."

OK ?

GOOD JOB YOU !

Thank you Pep - got teary eyed when I was reading that. I think I need to focus more on them than focusing on what he could be doing right now. It's hard but we will get through this.

Yes, you will get through this.
You will more than "get through".
You will, believe me or not, triumph over this.
In time.

Please, remember what I said.
You never comment on WH's feelings.
You may comment on his behavior as necessary, when your kids ask questions about his misdeeds.
You do not know "why" he does things. You only know that behaviors XYZ are (insert descriptive word such as inappropriate/hurtful/sinful) and as such are unacceptable.

You're going to do fine.
I just know it.

Nope. By assuming that, you are being a smart cookie.

Smileygurl, are you in Plan B now, or are you just using an IM to save you from abuse? I am just asking so I can advise correctly. If you are in Plan B, you need to not ask the kids about what your WH said. I know the temptation. Believe me, I DO. BUT, it serves to harm you. You could shore that up. Also, you shouldn't ask IM if the exchange was okay, you don't need to know what was said or how it was said. You don't even need to know that anything else WAS said. You should just know that this was the message. That's it, that's all.

You are doing great. Keep it up.

I think I'm more in the protecting myself phase. I didn't think it through when I was doing it I just couldn't take it anymore. I kept checking on FB, staying on FB to see if he would write. Kept the phone by me to see if he would call. I was and am still going crazy but I think once I go see my pychiatrist and get me on something else and once he is back in Iraq I will be better.

It just drives me crazy thinkign he's with her. WOuldn't it anyone.