NC will indeed mean having to quit your job, unless OM leaves first. But you cannot work together anymore if you hope to save your M. There is no way for you to work with the OM and work on your marriage at the same time.

If I won the GA and FL lotteries, I wouldn't have to worry about paying the rent.

The point is, you ARE married...to other people. That makes it wrong. If I had stolen both my children from the hospital, it wouldn't matter how much I loved them.....they aren't my children.

I thought I loved the OM. I thought I felt things I had never felt before. I just knew that I had married the wrong man and that I only married him because of my parents and that I knew all along he was not for me. But it was all a lie I told myself. And you know what? Even if it wasn't a lie....even if I DID love the OM and DH HAD been the wrong man....it was still wrong. Because it's adultery.

End all contact. Tell your BH and some friends who will keep you accountable EVERYTHING. Tell your boss. Have your BH contact the OM's W. Every time you think about the OM make yourself think of something else...and remember how much pain adultery causes.

For the next several months at least, your sole job is to make amends and take responsibility.

OM has been my best friend for so long. Not having him around to talk to is going to be hard. I don't have any girlfriends and BH has told me I need to get one so I can have someone to talk to about things.

But shouldn't HE be the one I should be talking to? Instead he tells me to go outside of the marriage to fill that need. In his mind, I guess so long as it is a woman that is ok.

BH isn't a great talker. We've never discussed non-practical things before. This part isn't foggy - he's just a practical guy and emotional stuff isn't his forte. I don't see me curling up with him and waxing poetic about our hopes, dreams and love for each other.

Honestly, it's been so long since you have given him a real chance to do those things....you don't know.

The thing is....if you had never had an A and had made the decision that you weren't getting what you needed....you could have asked him for this. Now, you have dealt a nearly mortal blow to your M and your BH. Before he is able to even wrap his mind around opening up to you.....you are going to have to do some work.

I know this sounds harsh. I remember. But the best thing to do right now is look what you have chosen/are choosing to do right in the face. No qualifications, no justifications. No pride, no "buts." For 10 years you have lived a lie with your BH. It will not be okay in a week....or a month. That's part of the deal.

Do what is right because it is right. That is what people of character do.

Athena,

he thought of losing the one person who has kept me sane is frankly quite scary..... One time when my guilt got the better of me and I told OM I needed to focus at home, he got quite down on himself and tried to fight for me.

I'm sorry to say this, but this is a common male ploy to keep a woman hooked to him, play to her sympathy, it is a watered down version of how pimps keep their women emotionally enslaved to them. I can't tell you how many men I've seen "break down" when their spouse/so gets sick of their crap.

Unfortunately the constant mystery and drama of such a relationship seems more exciting than an honest relationship.

This isn't sanity, but it seems like sanity when you compare it to the pain of separation.

God Bless
Gamma

He can learn to be romantic, just as you can learn to stop being deceitful. I am much more worried about your ability to even be in an honest, open relationship because of your long term habits of dishonesty. But that can change with this program. It is your dishonesty that has been the greatest impediment to intimacy in your marriage.

You need to get over this kind of thinking. The OM was not your best friend. He did not care about you. He did not have your best interests in mind. You know how I know this? Because someone who is truly your friend and truly cares about you would never do something as low and hurtful as having an affair with you. Someone who loves you would want what was best for you. An affair hurts everyone, including the people who are involved in it, and we do not intentionally hurt people who we care about.

But the truth is that he HAS hurt you. He is degraded and used you in the worst possible way. That is not love. Shagging a married woman is not love. I am sorry, but his actions speak the truth and it is clear from his actions that he has a very low regard for you.


Right. Because he wouldn't leave his wife and children for an affair. He wasn't stuck on any fence. He was firmly in his marriage while getting some cheap side action. It is very unlikely that you are the only one.


You tell me? Can you be honest?


No, your affair has kept you depressed. Violating your conscience with a situation where you are degraded and used causes depression. Depression is a DIRECT RESULT of adultery.


But he would never leave his marriage for you.


Yes, it will feel awkward and forced with your H at first. But once you start giving him the same attention you gave to loserOM, you will see the dynamic change. You once felt awkward with the OM, but overcame it. You can have the same thing with your H.


You must change jobs if you want to recover. There is no other way to withdraw.


Traditional counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and have an 84% failure rate. Most don't even believe that romantic love can be created in a marriage much less HOW to achieve it. Counselors usually cause more harm than good.


Actually, being used is nothing "special." He has something "special" with the woman he honored by taking wedding vows with her.

You cannot achieve NC without leaving the job.
Useful thread here.

Stop insulting the father of your children.

You're not going to be able to repair your M until OM is out of the picture. Right now the two of you are trying to have it all, and you've already seen that that doesn't work.

OM is an addiction for you. You need to leave your job immediately and begin NC in order to give your M any chance at all. Until you do that you will not be able to recover your M.

And you aren't totally insulted and embarrassed by this??? OM could have refused and professed his undying love for you! And yet..."Yes dear, I'll end it with her, dear" What, do you think you're trash or something?? Do you think you're in a better place by slinking around with a married man who has already demonstrated that he will pick his wife over you, as opposed to your faithful husband at home?? What the hell am I missing, here? Are you not totally offended that this OM thinks so little of you that he uses you at work and then goes home to his wife and family?? That he spends his free time with them because THEY are his family, not you??

Then your M has been tainted by your affair from Day 1. You have no way of knowing how good your M could have been - you've been unfaithful from the beginning. And read that line I put in bold: YOU'RE MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE! END OF SPECULATION!!

Sure. As soon as you are on board with recovering your M.

quote]Can he change his body, his scent, his eyes, the way he carries himself? Yes, this sounds unbelieveable shallow and I know that. But if I don't have an emotional connection to him AND I don't find him physically attractive ... what do I do? I can't talk to him about this. I have hurt him so much already that laying the physical attraction thing on him seems so incredibly terrible.[/quote]
Fog babble. We promise not to remind you of these words after you're on board with recovery. Think about it. You've got three kids. You must not have been totally repulsed by him on occasion, yes?

"quote]Can he change his body, his scent, his eyes, the way he carries himself? Yes, this sounds unbelieveable shallow and I know that. But if I don't have an emotional connection to him AND I don't find him physically attractive ... what do I do? I can't talk to him about this. I have hurt him so much already that laying the physical attraction thing on him seems so incredibly terrible.[/quote]"

turkey baster

You guys can be so harsh - but I really needed to hear that. Thank you.

Last night I opened up to BH and told him about the broken NC. He was disappointed and sad, but glad I told him. I went against what my heart was screaming not to do and told him of all the ways I had continued to lie. Now he knows he needs to monitor my email and phone. I am embarassed to admit that I need him to keep me accountable, but I know how weak I can be and it would actually be easier to resist OM knowing that I have to face BH and not just avoid him. I asked him to make sure he asks questions and I answer them - not to let me off. I will try to be transparent, but I know how easy it is for me to keep things to myself.

We are working on a plan together to send a NC letter to OM and make the changes necessary to ensure it sticks this time. We even talked about me changing careers and the sacrifices involved. It might be nice to downsize a bit - so long as the reason is that we get a healthy marriage out of it.

What are my next steps? We've got the "Surviving an Affair" and "Love Busters" books. Should we start trying the techniques in there or would it be best to start with counselling from MB? BH and I agreed that maybe we should try MC again and perhaps I should stay away from individual counselling for now.

athena, you did wonderful! By telling your H, you have enlisted a valuable resource in holding you accountable. You will need his help.

I would hand over all your phone and email passwords to him. The more transparent you are, the harder it will be to contact the OM.

I would strongly urge your H to come here so we can help him with next steps.

The fastest horse towards recovery will be the MB online program. They assign you a marriage coach and you have daily access to Dr Harley. They guide through the lessons over a period of weeks until romantic love is restored to your marriage.

The next fastest horse is to get phone coaching with either Dr Jennifer Chalmers or her brother, Steve. The sessions run around $200. They don't believe in endless sessions, though, because the bulk of your work will be done via homework lessons.

The cheapest way is to do it yourself through the books with the support of the forum. This has worked for a few and can work if you are very diligent and stick to your lessons.

The most impactful things you can do now would be to end all contact with the OM [and I do mean ALL!!] and start spending 20+ hours per week with your husband ALONE giving each other undivided attention. You would focus mainly on the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. <------this program does not work without this step.

"You guys can be so harsh - but I really needed to hear that. Thank you."

Same back at you for having an open mind.

"BH and told him about the broken NC..... and told him of all the ways I had continued to lie. Now he knows he needs to monitor my email and phone. I am embarassed to admit that I need him to keep me accountable, but I know how weak I can be and it would actually be easier to resist OM knowing that I have to face BH and not just avoid him. I asked him to make sure he asks questions and I answer them - not to let me off."

You realise that you need help and were right to ask for it.

"We are working on a plan together to send a NC letter to OM and make the changes necessary to ensure it sticks this time."

What changes are you talking about?

"We even talked about me changing careers and the sacrifices involved. It might be nice to downsize a bit - so long as the reason is that we get a healthy marriage out of it."

What sacrafices?

Why change carrers?

Why not just employer?

Thanks for the link to the thread entitled "Read My Lips: NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT".

It really opened my eyes. I really believed I could keep things professional and reading that made me see how difficult it would really be. There was one post by lifechoice that really spoke to me.

athena, can your husband sign up and come here and start a thread?

I could just change employers and we talked about that too. Right now I have a very cushy job and a decent salary. It would be kinda silly to throw it all away for a minimum wage position somewhere.

Am I just being naive in thinking that I can take the next couple of weeks to look for a new job while still working with OM? Or should I just quit and worry about the new job after? I really should give 2 weeks notice and I am not comfortable airing my personal business in the office so they can make it easier for me.

As far as changes to make sure NC sticks - I want to be fully accountable to him. I can't keep lying.

Though even reading this, it is obvious that if I see OM anymore at work (even in the hallway) there really isn't NC. I can promise not to initiate any kind of communication, but until I quit, things are still in danger. I guess I'll be polishing up my resume, like YESTERDAY!

When I talked to BH last night, he seemed ok with me not having to quit work. Then I read the POJA to him and he admitted he was not thrilled about me still being there. I guess that stuff really does work I just need to suck it up and do what I have to to make him comfortable (something I haven't even been giving any consideration to in a long time).

BH and I are both aware that I have many ups and downs and these roller coaster rides are excruciating (for both of us). Are these normal? I feel like when I am on the top of the ride I want to tell him everything and when I start heading back down again I get secretive and defensive. My demeanor changes SO MUCH. Last night was an up night and I let it all flow out. It felt good. Yet I worry (with good historical reason) that things will freefall soon and I will start feeding him bulls**t again. I only hope that over time these cycles will get shorter and less frequent and that I don't do something irrepairable in the meantime.

I will talk to BH about coming here. He is a private person but I should give him the choice and not speak for him.

Is it sad and pathetic that I am nervous about letting him here because then I will have to be even more transparent? My first reaction was that I will have to lie here if I screw up and am afraid to have him find out.

But having just admitted that makes me see that I can be truthful. And it feels good.

What is your plan if you can't find another job right away? If you are going to wait to quit, then I would tell your bosses about your affair so you have folks watching at work. And keep in mind, recovery will not happen until you are out of there. Every time you see him is the equivalent of an alcoholic taking a drink; he is in a state of perpetual withdrawal.


You are in the habit of being dishonest. But you can get out of that habit if you create a completely transparent life NOW. That means giving him all your passwords and access to your work computer, everything. Accounting for every minute of your time. Having lunch with him every day if that is possible. That means bringing him here TO US so it is impossible to maintain secrets with him.

Additionally, he needs to be in touch with the OM's wife so they can compare notes and keep you two busted up forever. Your older children should be told the truth about the source of the tension in your home. Giving them false explanations to white wash your crimes just teaches them dishonesty.