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athena, she did your husband no favors by contacting you first. She should have contacted him herself and given him the evidence. Asking the bank robber to bust himself rather than just busting him leads to unneccessary complications that more often results in the victim not getting the truth.
If you want to do the right thing for the OMW, you will ask your H to pick up the phone tonight and call her. Don't delay and don't place the important job of passing on this critical information on the shoulders of a liar who has an emotional investment in hiding the truth.
She has a right to know she is being harmed behind her back and withholding that information frm her because of some silly notion that you want the perp to do it only delays justice for absolutely no good reason.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok - BH is seriously considering posting here. I am proud of that Yay, athena's BH! We're waiting to help ...
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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So did you tell OMW that he broke NC.
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Athena, the reason that I asked how you found this place is because I had a feeling that OMW sent you here. She is a good woman. Also, think about this. OMW and OM use MB. They are reading the books. OMW is in a FALSE RECOVERY and she doesn't even know it. She thinks that the affair is DEAD. She believes that they are trying to SAVE THEIR MARRIAGE. BUT.....HE IS LYING. WAYWARDS LIE.
Now, suppose that the OMW stumbles across YOUR thread, THIS THREAD. And she reads it HERE and THAT'S how she finds out. Because believe me SHE WILL FIND OUT. Then she will see the date that you started posting and she will be even MORE angry and hurt because she could have been saved from more DAYS, WEEKS or YEARS of pain from this FR.
Even if she does kick OM out, you won't know, because......YOU WILL BE IN NC FOR REAL THIS TIME.
Give the BW the courtesy of telling her before she reads it on here.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Glad you're here, Athena. It sounds like your interactions on this forum have at least begun to reshape your views in a positive way. when OM sent the NC letter to me after D-Day, he listed some of the links to here. He and OMW have been looking at this site. Have you read posts on this forum that you think are from OM or OMW?
FBW in recovery
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To tell you the truth, I haven't looked around for posts that look like they are from OM or OMW. Should I?
BH just sent an email to OMW. I guess the sh*t is going to hit the fan now ...
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@athena -
If you really want to start recovery, you need to be thinking of your BS. Covering for the OM is not going to help in your recovery one bit.
Who has your BS exposed your affair to besides OMW?
Exposure is the number one catalyst for ending an affair.
Transparency is the key.
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I think BH and I are hoping to keep my A just between us. I don't think exposing it to our families or friends is going to help at all. I would feel ashamed and defensive, even though I know I did something wrong.
Am I being naive? I get that exposure can help end an A, but if I am committed to NC, do we still need exposure? Maybe one day, but not while we are so raw - I don't need anyone poking their noses in and bugging BH and I while we are trying to work on things.
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Other people knowing helps keep you accountable.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Glad you're here, Athena. It sounds like your interactions on this forum have at least begun to reshape your views in a positive way. when OM sent the NC letter to me after D-Day, he listed some of the links to here. He and OMW have been looking at this site. Have you read posts on this forum that you think are from OM or OMW? That's what I was wondering too. Hopefully Athena is being honest with us here and this (posting on MB) isn't just a ploy to intrude on OM's marriage yet again. THAT would be horrific.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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DO NOT GO SEARCHING FOR OM AND OMW. NC MEANS NC.
Work on YOUR marriage. Hopefully, since it IS anonymous, you will NOT find OMW. Although, I am CERTAIN that if she pointed you here, she is looking for YOU. That is what I would do.
As far as if you should tell people, I agree with Karmarose. I think you two, TOGETHER should tell the most important people in your lives. I also think that you SHOULD tell your workplace. If you are going to quit anyways, you may as well be HONEST about it.
Start practicing honesty in all facets of your life.
The A didn't end BEFORE. So, you may as well go full on MB and expose this thing. You should apologize to HIS parents and siblings.
If your BH came here, we would be telling him that he needs to expose and every time that there is contact, he would re-expose. THAT is what we would tell OMW too.
Make sure you do it, with your BH by your side so you are less likely to LIE.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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To tell you the truth, I haven't looked around for posts that look like they are from OM or OMW. Should I?
BH just sent an email to OMW. I guess the sh*t is going to hit the fan now ... Is there any chance at all that OM can intercept that email? Can he follow up with a phone call when he knows OM isn't around his BW?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I think BH and I are hoping to keep my A just between us. I don't think exposing it to our families or friends is going to help at all. I would feel ashamed and defensive, even though I know I did something wrong.
Am I being naive? I get that exposure can help end an A, but if I am committed to NC, do we still need exposure? Maybe one day, but not while we are so raw - I don't need anyone poking their noses in and bugging BH and I while we are trying to work on things. Help comes from surprising places. There may be a lot of people in your circle you have been where you are, and, like you, hid it from their circle of family/friends. Those people can be a source of support. Others can help by keeping you accountable. YOU will be better at policing yourself if you know that everyone knows. Athena, do you really think they'd 'poke their noses in'? Really? I don't think so.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Athena99
Why don't you and your BS meet with your close friends and family together and just tell them you had the affair and who with. It will be so much better for you to do this and the honesty will go a long way. Some will be shocked however you will be surprised how many will reach out to support you, even if they use words only. It has the added advantage of taking the guilt and deceit of your chest and helps keep you on track going forward.
You call it exposure I call it honesty and giving your marriage a chance
Last edited by Xau; 11/21/10 09:00 AM.
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If OM and OMW have posted here, I really don't want to find it. All I know is that they have been reading the books and looking at the information on the site - I don't know if they have been on the forums.
I don't want to interfere in their M anymore and I truly do wish them well. We all used to be friends. That is all over now.
BH sent OMW an email and followed it up with a text. I seriously doubt OM could catch both. BH asked her to respond after she gets it to confirm. He hasn't received anything back yet.
I feel like I threw OM to the wolves and I know I shouldn't care. He will be mad at me and feel betrayed, but that is a good thing - he needs to know there is nothing left between us.
BH and I really need to give some thought to this exposure thing. He doesn't seem enthusiastic about it and nether do I. While I wouldn't like being outed, I get that I brought it on myself. However, BH doesn't deserve everyone to know we were failing to meet each other's needs and that I cheated on him. We so rarely have contact with family or friends, that it doesn't seem important. Plus, none of them really know OM or OMW and wouldn't be able to police me anyway.
However, there are a couple of mutual friends who would plan events and invite all of us - if they knew, they could choose not to invite one set and there wouldn't be any chance of meeting OM or OMW at one of these events. Otherwise I guess we'd all have to avoid these friends since NC would mean we wouldn't know if they are coming.
At this point, moving to a new city is looking pretty good.
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Athena, I'm so happy to hear you've made wise choices in the past few days. Good for you! If it is doable for you, the move sounds like a promising plan ... a fresh start in a new area without negative triggers surrounding you and your husband. I may have missed it in this thread but do you have kids? --- Edit: Nevermind, I found the answer to my question. We have 3 kids 9,7,5 (2 boys, 1 girl). The kids are the reason I didn't leave 2 years ago.
Last edited by DeltaDriveDeceit; 11/21/10 11:14 AM.
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I feel like I threw OM to the wolves and I know I shouldn't care. He will be mad at me and feel betrayed, but that is a good thing - he needs to know there is nothing left between us. Actually, he threw his wife and your H to the wolves and he has only been exposed. He is the betrayer here. Exposing someone for betraying others is not betrayal. And I applaud you for having your BH do the right thing. The OM is not the victim here, Athena, he is the perp. He has committed a horrendous act against his wife, his children, your H and your children. The one who deserves your pity is your HUSBAND, not the loser OM. And yes, he is a loser, Athena. NOW, how will you handle seeing the OM at work? What is your plan for this? You will be a perpetual state of withdrawal every single day you see him at work. Your H will be traumatized every day you go see the OM at work. What is the plan to get out there ASAP? However, there are a couple of mutual friends who would plan events and invite all of us - if they knew, they could choose not to invite one set and there wouldn't be any chance of meeting OM or OMW at one of these events. Otherwise I guess we'd all have to avoid these friends since NC would mean we wouldn't know if they are coming. I would send them all an email letting them know what has happened and ask them to not include you in any invitations. Heck, you might discover that the OM is having an affair with other women in your group. It is not uncommon at all. Your H should also feel free to expose the affair to his own family members so he can get some much needed support. He really needs that support so if his parents or siblings would be supportive I would encourage him to tell them. Your children should be told the truth about the affair and not given false explanations about the tension in your home. At this point, moving to a new city is looking pretty good. Good idea!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, Athena, here is DeltaDeceit's post about Dr Harley's advice to her about her husband's continued contact with his affair partner - Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Marriage Builders. This is how you should view your continued contact with the OM every day: "The main reason I have the no contact rule, no contact meaning that if the spouse has had an affair, he or she is to have no contact with the lover for the rest of his or her life, is for two reasons. One is for himself to make sure he doesn't rekindle the relationship and for there to be no opportunity for it to re-emerge. The other, of course, is for the sake of the betrayed spouse, that any contact made is a terrible offense to the betrayed spouse.
It's basically a two-barreled shotgun approach to things; there are two reasons for it, and each of the two reasons are sufficient to create the no contact rule. Together, there is no question this should be the way it is ...
Let's suppose someone were to rape you and it were to be a devastating experience, you would be held for three days, raped repeatedly ... yet you or your husband would have to be around (OW) on certain occasions. You can see how unreasonable that would be. Well, in this case, (OW) would affect you the way your rapist would affect you. (OW) literally affects you the way someone who had done the most disgraceful, despicable thing to you imaginable would affect you.
The pain and suffering you would experience being around (OW) or your husband being around (OW) for any event would so far outweigh (any benefit) that there's just no question that it is something nobody should want you to experience and you should not make yourself experience.
The way I would approach your situation is viewing this as if it were a rapist. That's a very good analogy. A lot of women have told me who have experienced rape and infidelity that the infidelity is worse, is harder for them."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't think the kids have any idea anything is going on. In fact, now things are better than they've ever seen.
We have not been visibly affectionate since they were born - we didn't adjust well to parenthood and our marriage sufferred. I had PPD and he didn't know how to help me. I didn't get the outside help I needed either. So, the stage was set for me to become more distant.
Anyway, the last month has seen us have more PDAs (hugging) in front of the kids than ever before. The kids actually said "is this going to become a habit?" in a joking and smiling way. It felt nice. I want them to see that love in a marriage and until now it had not really been there. The kids see us hugging and rush over to join in. I like it.
So, I think telling them now would really confuse them.
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