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No, it sounds like they're confused by the change in your demeanor toward each other. The blanks would be filled if you responded to their confusion over the sudden change in physical affection: "The truth is, kids, that I did something wrong. I made a bad decision to give my affection to someone other than your dad for awhile. I've hurt your dad and we're healing from that hurt. But the good thing is that I love your dad so much that I want to hug him and show him that."
Last edited by maritalbliss; 11/21/10 12:18 PM. Reason: remove quotes
D-Day 2-10-2009
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So, I think telling them now would really confuse them. It is just the opposite. Not telling them will confuse them greatly. There is great tension in your marriage right now and not giving them an honest explanation will confuse them. Athena, your husband has just been dealt a blow that is as traumatic as rape or physical assault. Pretending like your adultery is something GOOD that happened to your family is incredibly obtuse. Your marriage is in serious trouble and your children need to be told the truth about why. Your affair is very as much their business as it is his. Your children will see that something is very off here. Don't whitewash your affair to them. They need to be given truthful explanations for the tension in your home.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"The truth is, kids, that I did something wrong. I made a bad decision to give my affection to someone other than your dad for awhile. I've hurt your dad and we're healing from that hurt. But the good thing is that I love your dad so much that I want to hug him and show him that." And I would be sure and use accurate language when you do this. Call it what it is: ADULTERY. Explain to them why adultery is wrong. Tell them who the OM is so they will know he is the enemy of their family. As a child I was a victim of doublespeak and it is very frightening to a child when a parent steals reality by bastardizing the English language with weasel words and weirdly vague, incomprehensible explanations. The world makes sense when adults use ACCURATE language in a truthful context. The world needs to make sense to a kid.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Plus, none of them really know OM or OMW and wouldn't be able to police me anyway. Understand this, Athena: the OM was not your soul mate that God placed in your life for your pleasure. He was available at a time when your needs were not being met by your BH. It could have been the milkman, if the two of you had time to develop a relationship. If you do not address the needs within your M, you run a high risk of entering into an adulterous relationship again. Being transparent with everyone around you will help ensure that doesn't happen. Exposure to your circle of friends/family isn't just about keeping an eye on you and OM for the resumption of the A. It's also a way for them to keep an eye on you around their loved ones. Especially the married men.
D-Day 2-10-2009
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Athena, I really struggled with telling our children, too. Why involve them in adult issues, I wondered. Turns out that telling the truth about FWH's A to our kids, our family and friends was a wise choice. I deserved to know the truth, our kids did, family members did, friends did. Here's what I wrote in my thread a few months ago: By the way, we did tell our kids about the affair over the weekend. Separately. There were a lot of tears and upset of course, but I was expecting it to go worse than it did.
Our daughter (14) wanted more details than her brother did and talked more about her feelings. We expected this. Our son (12) just cried and cried and had a tough time putting his emotions into words. Their main concern was how we would be proceeding as a couple, as a family, and we reassured them that we love each other and intend to work through these betrayals and heal the wounds caused by the affair and the pursuant lies.
My husband apologized for betraying me and them and for hurting me and them, he talked about his failures, what his marriage vows mean to him, what I mean to him and what he hopes our relationship will look like in 10 years and in 30 years.
We also talked about appropriate boundaries, about how actions have consequences beyond what may even be apparent at the moment and about the importance of telling the truth.
They both said they were very happy we told them the truth about this. See? I don't know how I could have felt differently just last week. Of course they want the truth. Everyone would rather know the truth. Thank you all for clearing all that up for me.
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OM and OMW were friends of ours. As such, we do share some close mutual friends and BH and I agree that we should tell them. Should we let OMW know who we are telling or is that against NC? There seem to be rules here that are not intuitive to me and I don't want to mess this up more.
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BH got a reply from OMW. She got his email. Do I still need to send a NC letter to OM? Or is NC just understood now?
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Ok. I think I do need to send OM a NC letter. He hasn't heard from me that it is over. I need to close that door, right?
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BH got a reply from OMW. She got his email. Do I still need to send a NC letter to OM? Or is NC just understood now? NC is never just understood. Yes, you should still send an official NC letter to the OM. Have your H read it and approve it before you send it. You're doing great Athena! Keep up the good work.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Should we let OMW know who we are telling or is that against NC?----Nope your BH and your decisions have nothing to do with her, this is for your marriage and the actions to protect it are yours. If OMW chose to be on this forum or review the posts she would follow the same advice.
This is for your family and your marriage, do what needs to be done
Last edited by Xau; 11/21/10 02:43 PM.
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OM and OMW were friends of ours. As such, we do share some close mutual friends and BH and I agree that we should tell them. Should we let OMW know who we are telling or is that against NC? There seem to be rules here that are not intuitive to me and I don't want to mess this up more. Here's another reason to tell your kids. There are too many people in common. Don't let them find out from someone else. They're also probably going to be confused about the sudden shift in your social circle.
D-Day 2-10-2009
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BH got a reply from OMW. She got his email. Do I still need to send a NC letter to OM? Or is NC just understood now? You're not doing this strictly as a firm ending with OM. NC letters are an act of care for your BH. Show him that you are willing to do this as an act of care and contrition. You write the letter, he approves of it and he mails it. Do you need help wording the letter? There are good examples on this site.
D-Day 2-10-2009
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As for the NC letter, Yes send one.
The only additional item may be you hand write the letter and sign it, I have had an occasion when the OM claimed the OW wrote the letter under duress, hand writing helps take away that thought. This assume you know where to deliver it to.
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Just a suggestion. Wait to send the NC letter for when you really end contact. It makes no sense to send a nc letter when you are going to see him every day at work.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would not warn the OM OMW about exposing the mutual friends.
Also be prepared that some friends may drop you. When bad news travels people tend to circle the wagons.
Foxes are not welcomed any where near the hen house. Or home wreckers.
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athena, regarding telling the children, you said that things are better right now than they ever have been. But reality will set in for you in withdrawal, and for your BH as he processes things. Then there will be a rollercoaster. You need to tell your kids NOW while they can see your closeness. If you wait until things get chaotic...it may make them more insecure. Plus, kids fill in the blanks however they can. We didn't tell our kids right away, and my DD filled in the blanks with some very upsetting stuff. It would have saved her a lot of pain if we had told them right away.
Don't shy away from this.
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Athena, you are getting some EXCELLENT advice right now. You have done some things right, go the distance.
ITA with MelodyLane that you should hold off on the BC letter until there is actually NC.
As far as if your children will find out, they will. It could be after one of you die. It could be from someone at school. It could be a drunk relative. You NEVER know. And their world will come crashing down when they realize that they have been lied to for so long. How will they EVER trust ANYTHING that happened in their lives?
You also need to tell your family and friends for YOU. You need to help accountable for your actions. That way you won't remain in a wayward mindset. You also won't be lying to everyone. It has been said that telling the truth is easier than lying because you only have to remember ONE story.
Please Athena, do the right things and actually TRY to save this marriage. Don't just go through the motions.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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So, BH just got a note from OMW. OM is not in her house anymore. I don't know the details, but I assume she kicked him out.
This is upsetting to bH. He feels guilty about what has happened to OMW. He is second-guessing sending the email to her instead of OM.
I told him we did the right thing. She needed to know the truth (which she probably already felt). But now we are unsure of what to do next.
I have promised BH I will not try and contact OM. But with OM out on his own right now, he may not have the same respect for OMW.
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Do not worry about their relationship only on yours, she has made the best decision by kicking him out of the house, other wise he would still be talking and sleeping with other woman.
So focus on your relationship.
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So, BH just got a note from OMW. OM is not in her house anymore. I don't know the details, but I assume she kicked him out.
This is upsetting to bH. He feels guilty about what has happened to OMW. He is second-guessing sending the email to her instead of OM. Your H has nothing to feel guilty about. If she kicked him out it was because of his adultery. Your H only told truth to the victim. That is a good deed. I told him we did the right thing. She needed to know the truth (which she probably already felt). But now we are unsure of what to do next. What to do next is to focus on getting out of that place and getting a new job. That is of utmost importance. I have promised BH I will not try and contact OM. This is meaningless. You will be seeing him tomorrow at work. But with OM out on his own right now, he may not have the same respect for OMW. You are responsible for no contact, not the OM. Please assure your H he did the compassionate thing by telling the OMW the truth. If he knew his neighbors bookkeeper was embezzling money from him, would he hesistate for a second to warn him? Of course not. It is the same principle here. All he did was warn the woman she was being harmed behind her back. He did a good deed. Please give him a hug and tell him he did good!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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