Precisely. OM will attempt to communicate with you. He may try to drag you into communicating with him by arguing or making accusations so that you feel the need to defend yourself. This is a common strategy.

Athena, what is your specific plan for dealing with his attempts at contact?

The Harleys say "if you don't have a plan, plan for failure."

Athena,

No real advice from me. I just wanted to throw my support to your H and you through this whole ordeal. As a Recovering BS I can tell you without a doubt that MB, this forum and its vets saved my marriage. My FWW said almost the exact same things you were, but we are proudly in recovery now!

Listen to the advice given and follow the program. For me Melodylane was an angel from heaven with her advice. (Thank you ML)

Prayers to your entire family,

Zeke351

Thank you, Zeke!

I am so grateful for everything I have received from this group the last few days. I pretty much let you guide me through the process and do what was necessary because I had no clue.

I know it is only the beginning, but at least it isn't the end of my marriage.

I would strongly suggest you go to your supervisor, tell him the truth and explain that you must be separated from the OM. Ask him if he can transfer you.

This will be a disaster for your H with you going to work with the loserOM every day. A DISASTER. I would brainstorm ways to avoid all contact with him and to get out of there ASAP.

If the OM does approach you in any way, your H should consider having a come to Jesus with this bum.

Like Delta said, having no plan is a plan to FAIL.

p.s. you are doing great, Athena!! You have made it through these first tough steps like a trooper!!

Tomorrow is going to be a real test of your resolve.

My plan for tomorrow. Yeah - I know I need one. It is pretty much just to sit in my office and ignore any attempts at communication. I can keep my distance and not need to interact with him at work.

BH and I are meeting for lunch to touch base and help keep me focused.

Right after D-Day, OM had said he may be quitting. While I know I shouldn't rely on him to do anything to benefit me right now, I wonder if I can take the cowardly approach and see if he even comes back to work or gives notice right away.

Can he come in your office and get you? I would have him make a special visit to your office so the OM knows his deal is done. Another suggestion is exchange cell phones.

I would brainstorm with your H tonight on ways to assure him. This is going to be a nightmare for your husband, I hope you know. Every day you go there is going to be a knife in his heart. You have to end contact somehow. SOON!

I would go to work and walk into your supervisor's office. Tell your supervisor about your affair. Tell him/her that you and your BH have decided to attempt to recover your marriage and that you need their help. You need to stay AWAY from OM. I would even think that a personal day may be in order.

You need to understand that anything that happens to OM are the consequences of HIS choices just as anything that happens to you are yours.

Your BH has NOTHING to feel guilty over. He did the right thing. The right thing isn't usually the easiest thing to do and it doesn't always feel right at first, but as the dust settles, you KNOW you did right.

Athena, PLEASE don't just TRY not to talk to OM. DO NOT talk to OM.

Give YOUR cell phone to your BH. Block OM from ANY avenue of contact, ie EMAIL, IM etc. YOU do this for your BH, your children, your marriage and most importantly YOURSELF.

OM is NOT your soul mate. In reality, you two would be HORRIBLE together. Blending a family is hard under good circumstances, these are HORRIFIC circumstances. Get that fantasy out of your mind and understand that right now, your BEST choice is a recovered marriage with your BH

Sterling advice. I will only add:

OM may try to contact you on your office phone. Have a plan for this. If he calls you, say "I have someone in my office right now. Let me call you right back."

Call BH and tell him. BH can then call OM and tell him to...well, I'm sure BH knows what to tell him.

It'll be even better if BH has your cell phone - it'll look like it's you calling him back. Finding out BH has your phone will make OM reluctant to ever call it again. Good stuff!

I gave BH my cell phone - man that was hard. I also plan to block OM from IM and do as you suggest re my office phone.

If OM sends me an email, as much as I may want to read it, I will just have to delete it. Good idea to let BH know if any contact attempts are made.

BH will come get me for lunch.

This is my plan. Hope it works ...

Good for you, Athena. Handing over your cell to your H was a good move.

And absolutely tell him any time any contact is attempted.

Every tie you cut to OM is drawing you closer to your husband, your true partner in life. That is so exciting. A lot of healing needs to take place, but you are setting the stage right now for an honest, loving relationship with him.

It sure would be nice if you could take the week off for Thanksgiving and regroup. Any chance of that happening?

Well, I got to work and no sign of OM. However, as soon as I sat down, my phone rang. Didn't recognize the #, but answered (could be a client). It was OM.

Thank GOD I had been prepared for that. Thank YOU GUYS for giving me that advice. I just said "I'm sorry, I can't talk right now" and hung up. I called BH and asked him to call OM back from my cell. He said there was no answer, but he left a message.

I feel like I am living in a soap opera right now. OM tried to contact me on IM (I had forgotten to block him), but I closed the window (sight unseen) and blocked him.

I am feeling quite in control now, but still a bit nervous as OM is obviously reaching out.

I can take some time off, but BH can't. I don't think I'd feel ok being home all by myself if OM is trying to contact me.

I also feel like such a b*tch. OM was my friend, and up until a few days ago, I was there for him. He has been there for me (so many times) when I needed help and I feel like I have completely abandonded him when he needed the same. However, I am being strong and know that if he is feeling alone, he has a wife who will hopefully be there for him - he just needs to go to her. Of course, if she kicked him out, he may not feel he is welcome there anymore. He is a grown man and responsible for himself, but I feel like a crappy friend right now, even though I am the last person who should be offerring him any kind of support.

Athena, don't answer your phone and don't turn on IM, because he will keep trying and eventually you will give in.

The OM is not and never has been your "friend." That is a lie. A man who does a married woman is not her friend anymore than the "friend" who hands a gun to a suicidal person. He was just using you. Nor are you his friend. You have been instrumental in destroying his marriage so you have not been a friend to him. If he was your friend, he would have respected you as a married woman and left you alone.

The best thing you can do for the OM is leave him alone so he and his wife can work things out. If you truly care for this loser, as you say you do, then you will leave him alone. Leave him alone. The more you leave him alone, the more likely he is to save his marriage. He can't save his marriage if you are talking to him.

Your H needs to pay a visit to him and contact him EVERY TIME he contacts you. Will he go have a mano to mano with loserboy?

Good for you to stick to the Plan! Keep it up, Athena!



No, don't even consider thinking about this in a foggy way. Think about it in a RECOVERING way:

OM was no friend to you, or he never would have disrespected you and treated you like a tramp. And that's exactly what he did, Athena. Resist the temptation to dress it up and make it more than it was. Soulmates, God's gift to each other, lightning striking your humdrum life...this is all trash-talk to pretty-up the tawdriness of an affair. If he'd really been your friend he never would have allowed your friendship to be destroyed.

And you treated him the same way.

The two of you were sharing support that never should have happened. You have a husband for support. He has a wife.

What happens to his marriage now as a result of his terrible betrayal to his wife is of NO concern to you. It is immaterial to your marriage. He chose to have an affair and endanger his M. While you were the willing accomplice in his betrayal, the ultimate decision to endanger his M was HIS.

I know you feel guilty that there is someone in anguish and you contributed to that anguish. But your guilt is misplaced, Athena. Don't feel guilty that you crawled into the gutter with your 'friend' and now he's feeling the repercussions, feel guilty that you would destroy a woman's marriage. Use that knowledge going forward so that you're never tempted to destroy another woman's life again.

It is tough. But thanks for reminding me why I am doing it. It is really easy to forget to stick to the plan when emotions are flying all about.



Yes - I know that I owe OMW the respect to leave OM alone so she has a chance of recovering her M. I have destroyed her life and I need to stop interfering.

Repeat as often as necessary.

you got it!! Just keep telling yourself this over and over again. It is in the OM's best interest to save his marriage. So be a real FRIEND to the OM and OMW and do not take his calls.

I did some thinking last night, mostly about how I need to look at OM. Being on this site, I know I need to look at my A completely different than I had been. I need to see OM as a person who was interfering in my M and never respected or cared for me. He didn't choose me over his W and had no intention of ever leaving her.

Then I thought ... that's how OMW and OM are probably looking at me too. At first I felt annoyed that someone could think that of me, but then I realized ... it is true.

I think I knew all along that I would never leave my M. I was just using OM and had no respect for his M or OMW. I took what I wanted and never let the A go farther. I kept OM at a distance so I always had an escape. I suck. I think that may be how I approach my own counselling now - helping me become a better person and learning to respect myself again.

I have to admit, knowing that BH called OM to ask him to stop calling me ... is nice. I feel like BH is protecting me and I haven't felt that way about him in some time. I know it was hard for BH to do, but I am glad he did.