Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 16 of 17 1 2 14 15 16 17
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 54
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 54
I have know you a long time. Hon! You need to get off the pot and expose this. Your going to lose your love if you don't. You have tried everything your way. Ignored the advise of others and it isn't working. Why not try the marriagebuilders way. Expose and get a letter of exposure out to everyone.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 3
F
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
F
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 3
I want to find a way to make a new start. We have been together for 35 years -- maybe ho-hum for some. He wants to find a new love. We have both made numerous mistakes but we still love each other. How do we do this?


Living to be the kindest,most loving, most alive, most compassionate,most thoughtful, healthiest and most caring person that I can be.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 270
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 270
What...I feel very strongly that you need to get into individual counseling and try to find yourself. You are so entwined in this constant uproar in your marriage that you cannot guide yourself to do what's best for you.

How long are you willing to live with a man who is totally rejecting you? It is long past when you should go to Plan B and totally cut off contact with him. Yes, you may lose him totally, but what do you really have now except hurt, uproar, rejection, constant discussions that get no where. He has shown he will not make any decisions....just threatens to leave you all the time, says hurtful things to you. So what if you did some things wrong in the past that helped make your marriage vulnerable. All of us do....you have tried everything to appease him and get him back.

You are not protecting yourself. You are becoming a victim. Go to Plan B. Totally cut contact with him. If he misses you, if he has any regard for your marriage, it might have an impact on him. Right now he just goes back and forth between you and OW whenever he pleases.....sets up arguements to justify being gone from home so he can be with her. You're actually helping him keep that relationship going.

Please get some backbone and go to Plan B....the pros here can help you do this. You're caught in a trap of repeating the same things over and over again now and its doing nothing.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by fromourhearts
I want to find a way to make a new start. We have been together for 35 years -- maybe ho-hum for some. He wants to find a new love. We have both made numerous mistakes but we still love each other. How do we do this?
hearts,

Did you post this to the wrong thread?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
I would suggest the same thing. If you are totally unable to confirm a physical affair, you know there is at least an emotional one. This has dragged on long enough.

I knew a woman who was in the same spot. She did what you're doing, and her H eventually lived in two households - he would spend Christmas morning with BW and the kids, then leave and spend Christmas evening with OW and her kids. For decades. Every holiday. Every weekend - all of their married life was split between their home and the home of OW.

You don't want that, do you?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
Wow no I do not want that.

He thinks that nothing is going change that the problems we have/had will always exist and that we can't fix them.

So any advice on moving into plan B then. I guess I need to get a letter started. I want him to know that I am willing to work things out but he needs to be willing and he needs to never talk to OW ever agian.

I can't afford to pay for our house on my own. How do I do finances?

He has already been looking at apartments but hasn't made that move yet. I guess I have to kick him out? Not sure I can do that. He has already made comments about him having to be in a crappy apt while I live in our house. To which I have responded that he is welcome to stay and we can work on our marriage.

I have to go complete no contact. Ahhh that's going to be hard.

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
I have already looked into individual counseling but I haven't made the move yet. I guess I could get started on that. I'm not really sure how I feel about going to counseling but I guess maybe I really need to.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
He thinks that nothing is going change that the problems we have/had will always exist and that we can't fix them.

You gotta love those waywards - they are so good at finalizing their marriages when it suits them. crazy Ignore this drivel. It's from the Wayward-speak Handbook.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
Thanks. It's hard to ignore but I will try. One of the things that led to problems is he thinks I want kids. He still brings it up even after I have told him all the reasons I don't want to have kids yet.
Then he will be like I think we could work it out but I'm afraid that 5 years from now we will be looming at the same situation only we will have spent 5 more years of our lives and there will be a kid involved.
That doesn't even make sense. You think were gonna go an have a kid in the next 5 years without making sure we are ready? When he swears now he doesn't want kids ever but didnt feel that way before we were married.

I always wanted kids but I was always clear that I wasn't going to be ready for a long time. Anyway he says alot of things like this. They don't make sense and I have tried to make sense of them.

FYI so you don't have to go back and look I'm 26 and hes 28. By the way OW is 30.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by WhatToDo33
I have already looked into individual counseling but I haven't made the move yet. I guess I could get started on that. I'm not really sure how I feel about going to counseling but I guess maybe I really need to.
Why do you think you should go for individual counseling?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
He's just as confused as me. He even has said there are alot of times he wants to stay and others he just feels like leaving. And even though he won't admit to anything he knows the relationship is wrong. And now he's asking me things.

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Originally Posted by WhatToDo33
I have already looked into individual counseling but I haven't made the move yet. I guess I could get started on that. I'm not really sure how I feel about going to counseling but I guess maybe I really need to.
Why do you think you should go for individual counseling?

I said that because ladylonglegs suggested it. I have thought seriously about because it may help. I don't know if it would or not. I haven't gone yet because I'm not sure that it would make me feel any better other than having someone to talk to face to face.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
Originally Posted by WhatToDo33
He's just as confused as me. He even has said there are alot of times he wants to stay and others he just feels like leaving.

Please don't fall for this. He is not "confused". He wants what every cheater wants - he wants both a wife *and* a girlfriend, and he will tell you anything to keep you dangling and waiting and hoping while he enjoys going back and forth between both.

It's working. Don't let him do this to you.

And have you seen this thread?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
I have thought seriously about because it may help.
If you feel there are personal issues that you have and counseling would help you, maybe it's something to consider. If you think it will help you regarding the affair, skip it.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Quote
I have thought seriously about because it may help.
If you feel there are personal issues that you have and counseling would help you, maybe it's something to consider. If you think it will help you regarding the affair, skip it.


Well H believe that is my personal issues that led to the falling out but I can't really believe anything he says.

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by Mulan
Originally Posted by WhatToDo33
He's just as confused as me. He even has said there are alot of times he wants to stay and others he just feels like leaving.

Please don't fall for this. He is not "confused". He wants what every cheater wants - he wants both a wife *and* a girlfriend, and he will tell you anything to keep you dangling and waiting and hoping while he enjoys going back and forth between both.

It's working. Don't let him do this to you.

And have you seen this thread?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1


Thanks for the link didn't even make it through the first post and was thinking this is what's happening. No lids of course so we don't have that but he specifically told me one time I still want to be friends. I thought how could we possibly be just friends after a divorce.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
Well H believe that is my personal issues that led to the falling out but I can't really believe anything he says because he's a wayward and we all know that if they're breathing they're lying. Or rewriting their marital history to try to justify their affair.


There you go, whattodo - I fixed the last part of your post for you. grin

Pay no heed to WH when he attempts to dump the responsibility for his affair on you. Waywards don't like to take responsibility for their bad decisions.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 11/29/10 03:16 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
Thanks! I just wish he would admit to the affair now. He still refuses. He knows I know.

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 146
So yesterday he emailed me(he is out of town for work) he asked if he should be looking at apartments. And that he feels like there I no chance for us because all I want to do is continually talk bad about him to people(specifically the two people he is really mad that I exposed the affair to and I have talked to them several times since)
I responded: I do not sit around and talk bad about you to them I talk to them and they offer advice. And we do have a chance but I can't force you to want to be with me. If you are willing to really and truly try I am here and want to make it work.

I specifically didn't mention that there needed to be NC with OW but since I told him the other day he knows it. I will mention it agian for sure.
he never responded to this but later he emailed me to ask me a question about ordering something for us online. Like everything was normal.

I need to get plan B planned out agian. When he gets back I'm going to put my foot down and say either we work on this and the includes saying bye bye to OW or you move out.

I have my letter I started before I will pull that back out and rewrite it as needed.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
Quote
So yesterday he emailed me(he is out of town for work) he asked if he should be looking at apartments.

He wants you to be the bad guy and throw him out, so he can blame you for ending the marriage.

Quote
And that he feels like there I no chance for us because all I want to do is continually talk bad about him to people(specifically the two people he is really mad that I exposed the affair to and I have talked to them several times since)

Exposure is working. That's why he's trying to bully you into backing down by making threats about "no chance for us".

As long as you are in Plan A, the only response to his wayward babble should be, "I would like my husband to stop seeing other women, and come home." Repeat like a broken record.



Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
Page 16 of 17 1 2 14 15 16 17

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,254 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5