WS does work, and she is footing all of her own bills. I am definitely not financing this in any way. She had worked with me in my business, but went back to a company where she had previously worked when she decided to move out. She has also assumed all of the bills that were in her name (including her car), so her budget will be extremely tight. This has already begun to severely hamper her freewheeling single lifestyle. Things will only get tighter as time goes by. For most of our married life, WS has been a stay-at-home mom, and has been dependent upon me for her EN of financial support.

Maybe it would be a tipping point for her to have to go through Christmas Eve without the kids?

I thought about that, too. I'm a little unsure about what to do here. Any vets want to weigh in?

It needs to be tough on her. That's what separation (by her choice) is. At least let her ask you. But if I were you I would hope she wouldn't. This is part of you not chasing her. You cannot protect her from the consequences of her choices. When you do she learns nothing.

Well, I screwed up Plan A last night. DD was unusually late coming home from work, and I couldn't get an answer on her phone, so I called WS to see if she had heard from her. She said no, so I asked her if she wanted to go with me to look for her. She said "I'm not home right now." (12:45am). I asked where she was, and she said "out with some girlfriends in xxxville." Well, this is the same story she used the first time she met OM for SF, so this was a major trigger for me. I didn't really lose my cool, but I dropped alot of LB's on her about her not being available for the kids, being out this late on a weeknight, need to grow up, etc. (I know, disrepectful judgments.) That was so stupid, but I just couldn't help it. Now it is back to the drawing board on rebuilding the LB$ balance. Plan A is really hard sometimes. I am 50/50 on whether she was really out with girlfriends or with OM. Not much I can do about it either way. (By the way, DD turned out to be fine.)

Out late on a week night.

Living the single life style.

Refusing to help go look for DD.

In the town where OM is.

I buying stock in the red flag company. This affair ain't dead.

I'm sorry this is happening, but there really is no reason for her to have moved out of the marital home other than to continue the affair. A WW doesn't get her own apartment so that she can work on her marriage and try to rebuild her family.

Has your WW talked with the Bishop yet? What is the status on what's going on as far as disciplinary action in the church?

One clarification- not in the town where the OM is. In fact, actually farther away from him than our town. Also, this "going out with the girlfriends" is nothing new. She was doing alot of that even before she moved out (and I followed her on several occasions to verify). I'm not saying I think it's over, I'm just saying it is plausible that she was where she says she was.

She has talked with the Bishop about needing to make an appt. with him, but that appt. has not happened yet, to my knowledge. I have said all along that beginning that process would be a huge step for her.

Its ok you slipped and got mad, don't apologize. Just go right back to the plan. Shes got to know you have the stones to hold her accountable. When this is all over and you are recovered or if this never happened would she not be accountable to you?

I wouldn't sweat the LBs you did, anyone would have. Just stick to the plan now that you're calmed down.

Good advice Reynolds. I texted her this morning to see if she was okay, then called her a few minutes ago to invite her to lunch tomorrow, which she accepted. It just frustrates me that I work so hard to build up the LB$ balance only to make huge withdrawals. I'm just disappointed in myself and my lack of self-control. However this turns out, I will be a better person on the other side of it, with her or without her. I do still love the girl though, so I will keep working. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

@TB -

It is okay to make a mistake. But when you do make a mistake and realize that you did what now? APOLOGIZE! Take responsibility for your LBs and own them. You are in Plan A. Use this mistake to reflect why and what you will do in the present to stop them.

Plan A is not just winning your WS back, but is also part of the process of you growing as a person.

Once again you need to accept that she is not in recovery she is wayward. It matters not wither she is with OM or GFs. At a minimum, it is IB.

IMHO, there is a positive in her doing her thing. It is hastening the day for her to run into financial problems. Financial Support is an EN. Her spending money on her IB is going to cause conflicting desires for her. Pay the rent or go partying. Either way you will benefit. Reality will be hitting the fantasy.

Concerning XMAS, my opinion would be to invite her. You are in Plan A. To me the benefits far outweigh. Do not use Plan A to beat the WS over the head.

How long is your Plan A?

What are you doing to prepare for Plan B? Remember that your children will be the weakest part of your Plan B. Take this into account.

I did actually apologize in my text. I didn't apologize for calling her out on her behavior, but for the way that I did it (DJ's, etc.).

I have no illusion that she is in recovery yet- still very much wayward, possibly in some beginning stages of withdrawal, though. Impossible to tell if she is still in contact, although I have done ALOT of snooping/verification of whereabouts since the move, which has all turned up zilch. She has consistently been exactly where she said she would be, doing exactly what she said she would be doing.

I think you are right about her "doing her thing" hastening the end of the fantasy. Finances will eventually be a problem, which will force her to slow her roll. I am in a much better position to meet that EN than OM, but I won't meet it while we are living apart.

I am planning to go ahead with Christmas plans as if she isn't even around, and wait for her to ask me about it. At that point, I plan to invite her. If she never asks, I will wait until the last minute and then invite her anyway. I agree the benefits outweigh the costs. The children are my biggest influencers here, and they have started to become vocal with her about their unhappiness. My youngest son (10 yrs old)told me that WS called him yesterday. I asked him what he said to her. He says "I told her I miss her and I want her to come back home." I asked what did she say"? He said, "She said she would try." He is mommy's baby, so I'm sure that was a very uncomfortable conversation for WS.

I am going to try to hold out in Plan A for as long as I can. I think I can do it for the full 6 mos., unless her IB escalates. As it is going right now, I think I can hold out.

Plan B is going to suck, mostly because of the kids, but also because our lives are so intertwined (both families are close, lots of relatives on both sides nearby, we go to church together, etc.). I am really not prepared at all for Plan B at this time. I have alot of work to do to get ready for that.

I have a great idea. From now on lets put your son in charge. Every WS who wants to have an affair has to ask their child first. Every person who wants to have an affair with a married person has to clear it with the kids in the family being torn up.

Why is it your 10 year old is wiser than you or me or our WWs?

Sorry when I read this last post I thought of what my 2 year old would think of this. Its always been part of my motivation that when hes twenty five he is both proud of what I did and never has to do this himself.

If you or anyone else is having a tough time, theres all the strength you'll ever need - right there. Everybody always says they would go through hell for their kids. Some of us get the priviledge.

So true.

Okay, need some advice. Tonight, the kids and I have planned to do the Christmas decorations inside the house. This has always been WS' area, and she is into it bigtime. My first instict is to carry on without her, and let her see the next time she comes over. Option B is to let her know that we are doing it and tell her she is welcome to join us if she wants. Part of me wants her to experience missing out on some of our holiday tradtions, while realizing that we are carrying on with them in her absence. Again, the decorating has always been a big deal for her. Perhaps we can help create some of that "sense of longing" she keeps talking about? What do you think?

If this is something she's always been in charge of, she'll already be feeling that sense of longing.

You've already told her the door is open to return to the marriage, right? I think you should leave it at that. If she returns to the marriage she gets to enjoy all the festivities with her family.

There has to be a point where you stop inviting her to everything. I can envision a life for you, where she comes and goes by your invitation for all of the high holidays and events, and never has to experience loss. Why would she? She's not losing anything.

I would suggest you gather the trimmings and the kids, and really do a bang-up job with the house. If she happens to be there at some point over the holidays, you could point out a decoration and say something like "I'm glad you're seeing this one. The kids were excited to see what you would think of the job they did decorating it."

Let her conscience be her guide.

TD,

Just a thought. She knows the decorations will go up. She knows your phone number. She knows the kids will be into it. She knows she can call you and see if you need "help".

Her silence, her missing this is HER choice. Let her live with the consequences of her choice. If she calls and asks, invite her, otherwise she misses out.

Just my thought.

JL

Thanks for the input. I am going to continue with my plans to leave her out of this. She doesn't really know we are doing this tonight, unless one of the kids has told her. However, I agree with maritalbliss, she needs to experience some loss. We're going to have a good time, and I am extra motivated to do this up right.

I have found that take-out pizza is always a great decorating tradition for kids