@TB -

@MB is right to a certain degree:


except you are in Plan A. If you think this will be a huge $LB then I would extend the invitation. You did mention you did some LB just this morning.

I could be wrong. Only you can decide this. You know your WS more than anybody else.

IMHO, Plan A is not about the WS experiencing loss.

Went ahead with the holiday decorating last night with the kids. Had a great time. We have a small decoration of four elves with the letters N-O-E-L, one on each elf. Several years ago, we arranged them backwards, to spell LEON, took a photo, and sent that out as our Christmas card. Ever since then, we have always arranged them that way, and wait for visitors to point it out to us. It's a little inside family joke. DD took a picture of that last night and sent to WS. We also took a picture of the Christmas tree. She responded back to both msgs. She came to pickup DD for school this morning, and was in a foul mood. She has accepted my invitation for lunch today, so we'll see how that goes. I need to give myself a "no LB's" pep talk before I go. I am still trying to make LB deposits, but I am finally realizing that she is going to do what she is going to do, and I can't really do anything about it. All I can do is be the best father I can be to these children, and become the best husband that I can be, for her if she chooses to join me, or for someone else if she doesn't.

td, how long have you been inviting WW to things? How many invitations would you say you have given her?

Hey I am a newbie here too, but chin up when you meet with her.

She is going to have to deal with her own issues beyond plan A. You can't solve her issues if shes mad because she wasn't there, well that isn't on you.

She chose to marry you, to have kids, and then to cheat. Plan A talks about letting the weight of the decision fall on the cheating spouse. you did that, don't apologize for it and no love busters.

Good luck

WS has been moved out for about 3 weeks now, and we typically get together once a week or so for lunch or dinner, talk about the kids, etc.

Just got off the phone with WS. Apparently the full weight of her new financial predicament is starting to hit her. Also, she is pressing for more time with the kids. I knew this would happen as soon as the new wore off of her single life.

What is your current "custody" agreement? Do the kids live with you and just visit her, or are they bouncing between the two homes?

Clark, I have to respectfully disagree. Part of Plan A is the Carrot. WW needs to feel the 'Stick' part as well. Part of the Stick is for the wayward to see and feel the consequences of their affair.

Part of the consequence of td's WW affair is that she is no longer enjoying the warmth of her home and family. She is a visitor to her former marital home. She is a part-time mommy to her children. This woman was previously a SAHM, which IMHO makes the loss that much more relevent. Not only has she lost her marital home and the full-time enjoyment of her children, she has lost her past identity. I believe she's feeling enormous loss at this point, and that is all because of her affair.

I think td should take advantage of her feelings of loss, and he's doing a good job of that.

Kids live with me full-time, visit her. I wouldn't agree to the bouncing back and forth thing, and she didn't fight me on it.

I think you have hit the nail on the head. She just sent me an email, let me know that she was upset about the Christmas decoration pictures- said it is still bothering her today. Also wants to find a way to spend more time with the kids. Cancelled our lunch plans for today- said she is too emotional right now. Carrot & the stick.

Okay, is she paying any sort of child support? Are there daycare or transportation costs that she is contributing to? Because these are going to be a part of her financial reality if she chooses not to return to the marital home. She needs to start realizing the full implications of what she is doing.

It's good that you got your wife to leave without the children. At least now, if she chooses not to return, you will have a good case for abandonment, and your chances of getting full custody will be much greater.

This is very good. Be very kind to her right now.
"WW, I am so sorry you are missing this holiday with us. I hope you would reconsider your path and would come back home to your family."
Leave unsaid the conditions. She already knows your conditions. Be firm if she tries to negotiate those, and she may well try. NC is non-negotiable.

She is not paying child support. No daycare- kids are all in school. I have not pushed these issues because I am not trying to talk divorce right now, and going from what she had to what she has now, she is about to experience more reality than she can handle. Between the abandonment and the adultery, I think I have a better than even chance at full custody, but I hope it never comes to that.

@TB -

Does it feel better to be in the driver seat?

Doesn't having a plan feel better than what you had before?

Hang Tough!

Already working on that, just as you described. Should be a great opportunity for major LB$ deposits. Wish me luck.

Work the plan with no expectations- that's the only way it will work.

Had a brief face-to-face with WS last night when she came to pickup the kids. She was very emotional, tearful, missing the kids. Holidays are going to be tough for her. I told her I am sorry that you are missing these events in our kids lives, but you can rejoin them at anytime by moving back home. She said, "I know, I'm just not ready yet." I told her that I wanted her to know that she had a safe place to land here, in our home. I also told her that if she ever decided that she had made a mistake and wanted to come back home, I didn't want her to feel that she needed to stay away for some length of time because of embarrassment about moving out, what people may think, etc. The only people who matter right now are you, me and our children. Whenever you are ready to make that commitment, I am ready to pack you up and move you back home. I need my wife, and our babies need their mother. She tearfully replied, "I know, and I am really trying." Of course their will be firm boundaries, and she knows this, but I didn't feel that this was the time to bring that up.

I appreciate that she's feeling emotional right now, but I'm missing the part where she's 'really trying.' I don't see her trying to do anything but cake-eat.
Don't let her tears dissuade you, td. (And I know they won't - you're doing great.)

This is all very good. After she leaves you and the kids she has to go back to her apartment alone and think. At this point, she will more than likely be in contact with OM in order to fill the empty spot. Here's the good thing: OM can't fill the EN she's missing right now. He doesn't possess that ability. All he can do is talk sweet to her. That's not going to get it for your WW.

Let Plan A keep working.

Just a word of caution:

If you don�t have a legal separation agreement in place, then she can legally take the kids into her apartment without your approval.

I recommend you consult a lawyer and draft custody papers just in case. Slam her with them if she takes the kids when she is done �trying.�

I agree that she�s trying to eat cake. She wants both lives and is torn between OM and her family. Well, OM looks pretty bleak right now because her kids are missing. Don�t think it won�t cross her mind to take the kids without your approval.

I know you're right about the cake-eating, but nothing I can do about that. I have established my boundaries, and I am enforcing them. You're absolutely right about his inability to fill this EN. He also can't fill her EN of financial support either, and that is about to become a major issue for her. In the last few days, I have actually sensed some very serious withdrawal form her, almost to the point of mourning. The last time I saw these same behaviors from her was the last time that she made a serious break with him, at which point he told her to fish or cut bait, he was tired of waiting for her to make up her mind. It is possible (just possible)that this has happened again. It's hard to say, but I can't let any of that affect what I am doing. Work the plan with no expectations, work the plan with no expectations,......... (this is my mantra).