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So I am planning to call POSOM this weekend, but still trying to meet her needs. She was supposed to have the boys for dinner last night, but after practice I saw she left me a text saying she had a stomach bug and was sicker than a dog and throwing up. So I called her and offered my sympathy. I then stopped on my way home and brought her some Gatorade and dropped it off for her to keep her electrolytes up. She seemed appreciative. Let's see how ugly things get after my phone call though!


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Good luck!

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Okay, I'm a wuss. I tried to call him 3 times this weekend, I dialed it and it rang one of the times but I hung up. After my relationship with my wife I'm become proficient at avoiding confrontations. I still believe it needs to be done, but I have to do it next time I am angry and determined and not wait. Must be genetics, my mother always avoids confrontations as well.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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I did talk to the wife tonight. We chatted for over 0.5 hours. It was serious talk about us. I told her I was mad that we did not talk about us at the last session. She said she is getting a vibe from the counselor that he doesn't like her. I know this is her guilt and low self-esteem, but I can't tell her this. I told her that there is no sense in going to counseling unless she is ready to talk about us. She said if we go again there is a lot of things she has to say and I need to listen to. I brought up marriage builders and told her there is a way and that we need to be completely open and honest with each other. She is still afraid after I told her that if we can't be spouses, then I want nothing to do with her. I reminder her that before I said that, I also said there is a way to build a great relationship and if we both commit to it it can work. She is thinking seriously about it.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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She wants to talk about it in the very near future, but with the holiday coming it may be next week or the week after. She is flying down to Long Island to see her mother and brother from Wed. to Sat. next week so we may not get to talk until the week after. We did talk about POSOM. Without saying I know her frequency because I see her texts, I said as long as she still communicates with him, she can never think about moving ahead to repair us. At first she denied it, she said she is just helping him train for marathons. She did say that he made her feel wanted and appreciated, but said that part is over. I said as long as there was once feelings, she can never talk to him or the connection will never go away. I said let him find a trainer down there to work with. She didn't respond to that, but got very introspective. She can't see that he doesn't really want a trainer, but is seducing her. I feel we are close, and she is very seriously thinking about it. I just wish I knew what would push her to commit. I did bring up marriage builders several times and the books I have read. If, when we talk I feel a real sense of commitment from her I will push for a session with the Harleys.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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So - instead of exposure you are just trying to negotiate with your WW to end her affair?


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
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Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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Awokehubby

WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"At first she denied it, she said she is just helping him train for marathons. She did say that he made her feel wanted and appreciated, but said that part is over. I said as long as there was once feelings, she can never talk to him or the connection will never go away. I said let him find a trainer down there to work with. She didn't respond to that, but got very introspective. She can't see that he doesn't really want a trainer, but is seducing her."

Your letting your WW go down to where the OM lives without you?

I won't ask if you are crazy or do you have manure for brains for your actions answer that question.

Your WW won't stop contact with the OM. This means your WW is going to continue training the OM.

Train him for the SF marathon as soon as she gets back down there.

Who have you exposed?

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The road,
POSOM lives in Fla., she is going to Long Island NY; still 1,000 miles away. She is not going anywhere near him. I am already planning on making sure she is going to see her mom and not him.

Recon, I am trying to get her to see it on her own. I know this isn't the smartest, but I think if she does it, it will have a more lasting effect. As for exposure, everyone here in NY knows. Our neighbors, friends at church, mutual friends, all of my friends, all of her family, all of my family. The only one I haven't talked to is POSOM.
I feel a connection growing bet WAW and myself and I sense her starting to come around and believing we can make it work. If what I am doing is working, and every talk we have, I hear more change and her leaning towards trying, then I am going to go down this path. I can always call him anytime I sense this road ends. Yesterday she even said if we meet with the counselor to work on us, she has a lot of things to say. This is the first time she has wanted to open up. I also said that I would not go to counseling unless it is to work on us. That is when she suggested it. If we get into it, any counselor will tell her that her relationship with POSOM has to end completely. That will be a neutral party that she can't take as me trying to control her life.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Quote
POSOM lives in Fla., she is going to Long Island NY; still 1,000 miles away. She is not going anywhere near him. I am already planning on making sure she is going to see her mom and not him.

How do you plan to do this?

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I am trying to get her to see it on her own. I know this isn't the smartest,

Correct.

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The only one I haven't talked to is POSOM.

This is the one phone call that could kill this A and you won't do it. Because you don't like confrontation?? awoken, roll up your sleeves and get in there!

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I can always call him anytime I sense this road ends.

Uh-huh. Yeah, you can always do that. awoken, have you thought about the fact that the 'road' may be ending because she's decided she wants OM??? You're really gambling on getting to that point??

Quote
Yesterday she even said if we meet with the counselor to work on us, she has a lot of things to say. This is the first time she has wanted to open up. I also said that I would not go to counseling unless it is to work on us. That is when she suggested it.
Please be careful making assumptions about this, awoken. There have been countless waywards who have agreed to go to counselling so they can say 'at least they tried'.

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If we get into it, any counselor will tell her that her relationship with POSOM has to end completely.

No, not necessarily. MCs are very good at 'exploring childhood issues' and 'addressing your inner child'. They are adept at looking for deficiencies in personality and 'fixing' those in the individual. They are laboring under the false assumption that the individual 'needs fixing' when it's just that an affair needs to end. That makes counselling in that case a waste of time.

A lot of times these counselling sessions also devolve into a recitation by the wayward of all the ways the BS is a bad person. It's the waywards opportunity to rewrite marital history and produce their laundry list of reasons to validate the A. I can't imagine how that can be productive.

How about at least doing this, awoken: start calling MCs and 'interviewing' them. Ask them if they are familiar with Dr. H and his concepts, and if they agree with his approach to healing from adultery.
If they don't know who he is, or they don't agree with Dr. H, hang up and move on to your next MC. Find one who does.

I don't mean to rain on your parade, awoken, but I worry about you. I've seen this movie before.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 11/23/10 07:55 AM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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What happend about exposure to OM GF?


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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Marital,
I am worried as well. I know this is my marriage hanging on by a thread, but I am getting good feelings about our talks and her position on us.

As for how do I know where she is flying, I am going to call her mother and talk to her and ask her once again to talk to WAW about her choice to leave. If she knows nothing about her coming down, then I know her destination is not Long Island.

The counselor I go to doesn't follow the Harleys specifically, but his approach is the same. He doesn't believe in rehashing the past, but building a future and put behaviors in place to ensure love and no lovebusters. He is also my IC and we have talked about her EA and he is in complete agreement.

As for her blaming me, she is actually blaming herself for the problems. That is what is holding her back, she is afraid if she comes back, she is going to drive me back into the depression and we will be back where we started/ended. I am working on showing her I have put in place the behaviors to prevent this. I need to see her behaviors in place to treat me right so hopefully I needn't worry about my coping mechanisms. I am going to IC tonight and this will be our main focus.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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As for her blaming me, she is actually blaming herself for the problems. That is what is holding her back, she is afraid if she comes back, she is going to drive me back into the depression and we will be back where we started/ended.


This is twisted logic, awoken. Read this again, this way "Honey, I'd love to come home to you because I know that you are devastated by my adultery and that you want nothing more than for us to recover. I know that that would make you happy. But I don't think I will, because that will depress you."

Which is it?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Recon,
I can get no info on her, except that he may have one. When I call, I am going to try the landline and see if she answers. If not, there is no more info if she is even real.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
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Okay, I am going to tell you a bot about what my mom, a WW says about the counselor my mom and dad see together. I call my mom a WW because she has NOT earned her F. She is still in contact with OM even though she went back home 6 months ago. My dad talks about them being still separated. So, they went to a counselor who actually said,(through my mom though who IS wayward and we know they ALL lie)to my dad, "I see a lot of anger and you don't seem to be very unforgiving." Are you freaking kidding me? Of course my dad is ANGRY. Unforgiving? Please. My mom has been back "home" for 6 months and continues to talk to OM. Of course my dad is unforgiving, my mom hasn't done anything to show that she DESERVES to be forgiven.

So, my mom holds on to what that counselor said. When I told her that her counselor was a turd and that she should use MB she actually told me that I know NOTHING. How do I know that DrH has saved THOUSANDS of marriages. How do I know that people like MelodyLane, maritalbliss, Pepperband, markos, and the countless others on here even went through infidelity and how do I know they are recovered. See, when a wayward is left to their own devices, they go even deeper into the fog.

What do you need to get out of the fog when you are in a boat? DING DING DING. A lighthouse. BE THAT LIGHTHOUSE. Do what you need to to keep that light bright in the fog.

Listen to the advice that people have told you here for MONTHS. Follow it to a T and maybe you can save your marriage. Otherwise, you may as well file for a D now and save yourself months even YEARS of pain.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
As for how do I know where she is flying, I am going to call her mother and talk to her and ask her once again to talk to WAW about her choice to leave. If she knows nothing about her coming down, then I know her destination is not Long Island.

but why wait to find out once she's in florida? you were so determined to call OM...but now you're afraid of confrontation. if anything he's the one who should be afraid of THAT talk. You do not want to look back knowing you didn't do everything to stop this A, because of what your emotions told you.

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I know that you are all right. I am being a donkey for delaying this. I need to get my spine back and make the call. Thanks for the 2 x 4s. They are justly needed and deserved. I know I have only come this far through all your good help and advice; as well as any movement I have seen from WAW is from following the advice from the Harleys and this site. Like I said, this is genetics in my family, but avoiding it won't work. If I can get it to end, then maybe she can think straight. I just need to stay mad at him and determined to get her back. I will post when I do it and what the response is. I don't know if I can call in the next few days; I am attempting to make my first thanksgiving dinner by myself. Having mother sisters and nieces over. I'm trying to keep it as normal as possible. I even invited her, I knew she wouldn't accept. So I'm crazy preparing and cleaning right now.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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You don't seem to be doing anything. Do you want her back or not?

The more you take action, the easier it gets. You should never be afraid of confrontation if it affects your health and your well being.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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I have followed this from the get go and like this guy. Having said that I don't think he does want to get back together. Oddly, it seems awokenhubby has found freedom from his wife's infidelities IMHO.

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Okay, time for an update. Life has been way too busy. I have a lot going on at work. I had my formal evaluation at school. I had wrestling matches this week and tournaments the last 2 weekends. The holidays suck. This was always the best time of year for us and is very special time. That being said it is lonely without her. I am having a hard time during the holiday season. I am fighting the depression big time. We have had some very serious talks in the last 5 weeks. She admits that I have changed and am doing a great job with the boys, but she isn't ready to come back. She admits how she is a bad christian for leaving, and a bad mother and wife, but she can't come back. she says that she is following Christ's path and doesn't know where it may lead and it may lead where neither one of us wants, but she can't believe in her faith enough to see that we can make it work. As I continue to go to church, my faith has grown stronger and I can see that through faith and work and counseling we can make it work, but she can't. I am losing hope that we can ever fix our marriage. I know we can, but she wants to see nothing of it. I still haven't called POSOM; I don't think he's the main problem, but her psyche is. She claims her counselor told her she doesn't need counseling anymore, but she is as confused and messed up as ever. She told me how someone went to hug her last week and she almost threw up from the contact. That is not someone who doesn't need counseling. But how much is she telling the counselor? I don't know how to get through to her. Every time we talk I can sense she is on the edge of wanting/trying to make it work; but I don't know how to get her over the hump to actually try. She has accused our counselor of being biased against her because he is my IC and thinks I have told him terrible things about her. I told her let's go to someone else; I even suggested calling the Harley's, but she has been cold to both suggestions. Sorry this is so long, but it has been a while and I have so much more to say but don't want to extend this. I am in a slight lull with coaching, no tournament this weekend, but a BIG match on Wed. I want to call POSOM this weekend before I get busy again. Kenmore, I want to get her back, but I don't think she has changed, and don't know if she ever can or will. Her infidelity with POSOM bothers me, but it is only emotional and I can get past it. She still wants to blame me for it all. She treated me like her mother treated her and her father; didn't like it when I became who I was and ran away. She doesn't want to accept any responsibility for this. She wants to tell me she won't cone back because she will always be worried that she will send me back into the depression, but she can't see that with following the Harley's principles we would never treat each other like that again. I am rambling again and need to stop this now.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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awoken, I am so sorry you remain in this situation. It sounds like you didn't do Plan A or Plan B, but instead relied on religion to do the work for you. Obviously that didn't work.

Your post indicates a huge commitment to a Christian faith. Can you go into more detail about this?

Remind her that Christ followed His own path. She is not following Christ's path, She is following her own. How ridiculous of her to presume otherwise.









Last edited by maritalbliss; 12/18/10 10:26 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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