Already met with attny before she left. All ducks are straight in a row. Attny says situation couldn't be better if it comes to D- A takes alimony off the table and abandonment puts me in a great position for full custody. I would be very surprised if she did anything with the kids. Other than her waywardness, she is a wonderful person. I just don't think it's in her nature. I am prepared though, thanks for the advice.

Am going through this now myself. Recently discovered WW having an PA with a coworker.

Action points:

1) She told me about the affair, (though I suspected something for a long time,) while hospitalized for suicidal thoughts.

2) Once informed, I asked her to write a letter to OM and his wife as well as her manager since this was a coworker.

3) Discovered her secret email account, viewed emails, and had her delete account.

4) Monitor her cell phone

5) We play hard, read together, and do family devotions

6) Pastors at our church were informed

7) Our intamacy is growing leaps and bounds... I take every moment I get to compliment her or just give her an encouraging word (This is key as she was on the brink of suicide and very depressed from the affair.)

8) Have discussed work options to include her changing jobs or working from home. (This has not been a process started yet and has me very concerned.)

My only question here now is how do I monitor what she does at work, i.e. her work computer. This is where she did all her emailing and contact with OM.

She has told her therapist, "This is not my first affair, but it had better be my last one."

Brian,
Sorry you find yourself here, but you are at the right place. Some of the veterans will be along soon- listen to everything they say. Question- does OM still work with your wife? If so, she will need to find other employment. Complete no contact is critical. My best advice to you is this: expose this affair to everyone you can think of. If I had known about MB in the beginning, and had done a complete exposure when my WS' affair was still just emotional, I feel very confident that I could have stopped it in its tracks. Even now, complete exposure is the only thing that has done anything to derail the affair. I was very reluctant to do it, and my WS was furious (she still is), but if I could do it again, I would only have done it sooner. The two best pieces of advice I have received here are these: (1) Complete, nuclear exposure, as soon as possible. (2) Have absolutely no expectations from your WS during Plan A/Plan B. That is not to say don't set boundaries and enforce them, but don't expect your WS to reciprocate your acts of kindness, to be thankful for them, or even to acknowledge them. (In fact, she will very likely resent them at some point.) Just keep working the plan with no expectations. Expectations are a killer.

Total, I would love it if you tweeked your mantra just a tad by saying, "I will stick to MY plan NO MATTER WHAT." This implies no expectations during your Plan A.

Good advice Scotty. Expectations during Plan A equals absolute torture. I know this because it has taken me awhile to figure it out. Thanks for your help.

I think I have finally pulled off a perfect day of Plan A. WS came over to p/u kids today. We had an excellent discussion about our relationship. I told her that although I could not accept responsibility for the A, I do accept responsibility for not meeting all of her needs. I had given her my copy of HN/HN, and she has started reading it. I told her that this book has changed my life, and the changes are permanent, regardless of what happens with us. I told her that I would like to have the opportunity to show her what our new life together could be. She invited me to eat dinner with her and the kids. This is the first time she has invited me to do anything. We had a nice afternoon together with the kids. Plan A'd my butt off, with absolutely zero LB's. I think the LB$ balance is beginning to grow again. I actually sensed some feelings of genuine affection from her. I can see that she is beginning to become increasingly conflicted about her choices. No expectations- work the plan, no matter what.

Sounds good Total. Did you have FUN? Did you share some laughs with your WW?

Could you write an email once a day or so with a remember when, or thinking about you type thing? As I was told during Plan A, you will take over some spots in your WW's mind so that OM isn't in there as much. You need it to be good though, okay? Keep it LIGHT.

I am very encouraged for you, td! Keep it up!

I did have fun- kept it light, and yes we shared some laughs. Interestingly, we drove past one of the first houses we lived in- DD11 commented on the Christmas decorations. WS said "did you know we used to live there?" I said, "yes, your sister was born while we lived there. That house is where we had our first nursery. WS, remember the carousel horses that you hand-painted on the walls?" WS said "yes, we had a lot of good times there." Again, this admitting to/discussion of actual good times in our M is something new. Previously it has been only the negative.

Good idea about the email. I do try to fit something like that in each day, but I need to work harder to make sure it is something meaningful.

What your doing is working. Good job.

Another good Plan A day, so far. WS came by on the way to church with DD11 + DS10, because they had forgotten various articles of clothing. I suggested that we all ride together, and WS agreed. We sat together as a family in church, and WS and I sat together during Sunday School. I was extra careful to be sweet and cmplimentary, no LB's- real or perceived. When she dropped us off, I said "the kids and I are going to make hot chocolate and watch the Christmas Devotional tonight @ 8. We would love it if you would join us." She said she would think about it. So, kids and I have Christmas lights on, candles lit, and hot chocolate ready. Will she come- who knows? We're doing our thing anyway. No expectations.

Well, WS didn't show up, but that's okay- kids and I had a great time anyway. Sent her my nightly "sweet dreams" text, and didn't even mention it. Told her she looked pretty at church today, sweet dreams. She immediately texted back "thank you, good night". My goal now is one full week of stellar Plan A, with no LB's. Work the plan, no matter what- no expectations.

I agree with the emails. I have started either emailing, texting, or even, (say it isn't so...) actually writing a note to my WW everyday. I know she enjoys the affection, and it shows in our relationship. Keep it up!

Total, that is GREAT. You are doing AWESOME. Keep it up.

Great job on sliding in some good memories about the family. Those are things that the OM can NEVER take away from you. Your WW may become more conflicted with what you are doing, but your goal is just to learn how to become the best spouse that you can be.

I am glad that you went through with your plans even though your WW didn't come over. That is a good thing. GREAT WORK.

I think the increase in internal conflict is already happening. We went to lunch together today, (this is the first time she has accepted my lunch invitation), and everything went great. No LB's. I told her how beautiful she looked (she really is stunning). I pointed out how all of the mens' heads were turning when she went to the salad bar. (Admiration is one of her top EN's, plus she now has the typical WS narcissistic streak.) We had a nice conversation, but she seemed uncomfortable. Yesterday and today she has been increasingly "standoffish". What I mean by that is, normally we would hug or even kiss hello and goodbye, but yesterday and today she has gone out of her way to make sure that we don't. I'm not quite sure how to interpret that. Sometimes I think she is trying to bait me into some LB's, to make herself feel better about what she is doing. I have taken that bait in the past, but not anymore. Working the plan.

There is a very good chance that she is still in contact with the OM and still involved in the A.

When I had my A, the more involved I became with the OM, the more I distanced myself from my H, because having any sort of affectionate or intimate contact with him made me feel as though I was being disloyal to the OM. I know, , but that's how I felt at the time.

It's very conflicting for a woman to have feelings for more than one man at a time. We're not biologically programmed like that.

I have no illusions that she is not in contact with OM, even though she swears she isn't. I am working under the assumption that she is. In the past, I have let that alter my Plan A activities, but not anymore. The more of this internal conflict I can create, the better. There are several of her EN's that he is unable to meet: family commitment, domestic support, and financial support. She is really missing her kids right now, and she is beginning to get in a serious financial bind. I am concentrating on her top EN's which he does meet: affection, admiration and conversation. I can't do anything about SF right now, so I'm not worrying about that. I have finally learned that I have to work my plan, regardless of what she does. No expectations, that's the key. It does help tremendously to come here and get a good pep talk, though.

This is exactly what you need to do. Keep it up, TD. I suspect that the lack of her children is incredibly difficult for her right now. And there is NO WAY OM can meet that need.

I realize that my children are the most important thing that I have going for me right now. WS has always been a wonderful mom, completely devoted to her kids. That is part of what makes this whole situation so unbelievable. I asked her Saturday if she would like to come over and spend the night Christmas Eve here in OUR HOME, so that she could be here with the children on Christmas morning. I told her that she didn't need to answer right now, but just think about it. No pressure, and if she decided against it, of course she is still welcome to join us on Christmas morning. I didn't mention any of this to the kids. Last night, DD11 said, "Mommy said she might spend the night here at home on Christmas Eve." I asked "when did she tell you that?" Yesterday morning before church. Needless to say, that surprised me. WS, of course, hasn't mentioned that to me. So, I am seeing little glimmers of hope, among the mountains of discouragement. I guess what I'm learning is that this takes a tremendous amount of discipline to execute properly.

I suspect she will not stay overnight - OM will see to that. But she will be there Christmas Day, and that's huge. Not because she'll be there, but because she'll have to drive away afterward. I'm crossing my fingers for you that this will be the beginning of a turning point.