One side note- WS told me at lunch that her mom is coming over to visit her tonight, and wanted to know if the kids could come. I said of course. This will be the first time that she has had a real, face-to-face conversation with her mom since I exposed. I have talked with MIL weekly, and she is firmly in support of the marriage. WS and her mom are very close, so this could be BIG. MIL told me that she was going to be somewhat delicate during this first meeting, but that she would be dispensing some "mom advice". I will be very interested to hear how that goes, and to see if WS even talks to me about it. MIL & FIL have been very supportive of me and the kids, especially helpful with domestic issues, taking kids places, etc. They are both distraught at the choices their daughter is making. FIL is not really handling it well (he has hardly spoken to WS), but MIL has really reached out to her in love, without condoning the A. I am hopeful that this will continue the effects of exposure, which is the only thing that has really made WS make any sort of decision at all.

You may be right about overnight, but I'm not so sure. She has really put the pressure on herself by mentioning it to the kids. They will not let her forget it, and when she said "I might", they heard "I will", which means they will be severely disappointed if she backs out. That, of course, means that it will be even more emotionally taxing for her. I had no expectation that she would even entertain the idea, so I am elated that she is even considering it, whether she does or she doesn't. It just demonstrates to me the incredible amount of inner conflict she must be feeling. I really feel sorry for her.

I agree - she's got herself in a spot. I think she may have told them that just to give them something positive to hang on to, without considering the fallout.
But this is good. I don't feel sorry for her, but I think it's very considerate of you to do so. I'm rooting for her, though - I think she's probably in a lot of turmoil right now, and there are a lot of good things that can come from that.

So do I, because I have been in her shoes and it sucks. Having an A is a very painful and conflicting experience. Yes, a lot of people will point out that it is self-inflicted pain, but I think this actually makes it worse. On some level, I was aware of the pain I was causing myself and everyone else even during my A, but I just didn't know how to stop it. A's have their own momentum, and it's very difficult for the foggy wayward mind to figure out how to get off the roller coaster.

For what it's worth, I think you're doing a fabulous Plan A. I really admire your composure throughout all of this. You're doing a great job. Keep it up.

Writer1- Thank you so much for following my thread and sharing your insight. It is so helpful to me to hear from FWS. It is so difficult to understand what she must be thinking and feeling, and it is hardly ever logical or intuitive, so hearing from others is extremely helpful. I am still deeply in love with my wife, and it causes me incredible pain to see the pain that she is in, and to imagine the pain that I can't see. I know that it is self-inflicted, but I just have alot of compassion and empathy for her. I don't have as much composure as you might think- every day includes tears for me now, but not as many as before, and not for some of the same reasons. I am just determined to fight for my marriage, my children, and my family for as long as it takes. I told my wife I am willing to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes. I need, no I MUST be sure that I have done everything in my power to save our marriage and restore our family. She has a right to choose, and I can't take that away from her. That doesn't mean I have to make it easy for her. If she decides to walk away from us, I want it to be the hardest decision of her life.

Total: You remind me a lot of my H. It really was his love and his unwavering desire to love me no matter what and not give up on me that eventually brought me back. I spent 6 months insisting that our M was over, all the while carrying on with the OM, and he continued to love me. I know how painful that time must have been for him, but it did pay off. I did finally see come to understand the depth of his love for me and his commitment to our M and family, and once I realized that, I knew I couldn't just walk away.

The road to recovery is very long, but I think it is a road worth traveling.

You have no idea how much I needed to hear that. My wife is a people pleaser, and I am a problem-solver. One of her complaints with me is that I am controlling (although she never mentioned this until the A). We have talked about it some lately, and I have told her that I have never intentionally tried to control her, but I do try to control situations. It is in my nature to identify problems, find solutions, fix the problems, and plan for any possible contingencies. Part of this is due to my career (formerly in quality control and logistics). So, this whole process has been very difficult for me, in that it is hard to continue the process without seeing any measurable results, and it is very difficult not to try to analyze every word, action, facial expression, body language, etc. I also have a tendency to want things fixed right now, and I have come to realize that we are very early in this process, and I have to think in terms of months, not days or weeks. I have tremendous faith in the MB principles. I don't think I have ever read anything, outside of scripture, that just rang so true to me the instant I read it. That, coupled with the fact that so many of the cases that I read here sound exactly like my WS, right down to the exact words that she uses. Stories like yours are what give me the hope and strength that I need to keep up the fight. Thank you for your support.

TD, these are qualities that a lot of women would love for their H's to have. I would like to think that your WW is bringing them up now as a 'reason' for her A.

Think about it. Think about a truly 'controlling' person. What would they do?
"We're not leaving for church until I say we're leaving!"
"You are NOT ALLOWED to wear that outfit! I FORBID IT!"
"I don't CARE if you like pasta! When I was growing up it was never served in our house, so you are NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE IT!"

Now, THAT'S controlling. (Especially the pasta part - I'd kick my H's butt if he tried to deprive me of my favorite food! )

But you get my idea. She is casting about, looking for justification. She is wayward. Some of your best qualities could be ammo for her. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have those qualities.

Total, a lot of the times that people use the "controlling" word to describe their spouse, it is a manipulation and an attempt to get their own way. That way, when you say "No" you just proved how controlling you ARE.

TD,

The "controlling" issue has always intrigued me. If you were truly controlling, then she would not be doing what she is doing right?

If you were not good at controlling, then maybe she would do what she is doing, but really could not argue that you did/could/would control her because you were not any good at it, right?

This particular conundrum has always puzzled me, but as others have said, they are just grasping at straws to justify what they are doing.

Just confusing thoughts from JL, read at your own risk.

JL

The funny thing about that is my wife is not the type of person to be controlled by anyone. She can take care of herself, and she gives as good as she gets. We were always proud of the way we gave each other complete trust and freedom, when so many of our other married friends had to know each other's every move. Sadly ironic that this very trusting nature allowed this A to take place. As someone said, if I am controlling, I'm not very good at it.

MIL reported that she had a good visit with WS & kids last night. Was only able to talk privately for a few minutes, but said it went well. The reality of WS' financial predicament continues to come into focus for her. DD11 has a sinus infection, so WS took her to the doctor this morning, then dropped her by my office, so I good take her home. She was very cordial, and even gave me a kiss good-bye, so affection seems to be back to normal after being very closed off yesterday. We will be going together to DS10's choral concert tonight, so more opportunities for LB$ deposits.

Keep up the good work and remember to let exposure do it's thing. If MIL wants to rip into WW, let her. I have handed out my WH's number and email addy and even sent OW's number and email too, to all of my friends and family. I dunno if anyone has sent them anything, because I am in Plan B, but I did it anyways.

Oh, I have no intentions to interfere with anyone's reaction to exposure. MIL is not someone who would be interfered with anyway. She told me that she wanted to give her a gentle nudge this time, but the day of reckoning is definitely coming.

Glad to hear it. It always makes me smile when I hear that a MIL will sand up to their cheating offspring. Believe me, if I ever heard that one of my boys were having an A, they wouldn't be able to run far enough away. Big ol pat on MIL's back.

MIL is 100% in support of our marriage and 100% against the A. She and FIL have both said that WS cannot come and live with them, nor will they give her any $ to support her moving out. That is good, because that is about to be a very big issue for her. The only other sources of $ are her sister in PA and OM. Sister is currently financially strapped, and told WS that she was only supporting the move based on her assertion that the A is over. She told her that if she found out she was still in contact with OM, she would "wash her hands" of this situation, meaning withhold any more support, financial or otherwise. This is significant, because WS cell phone is on her sister's plan, so she has the ability to monitor it. OM is in no position to give any financial support, as he is a loser, and is basically destitute. If she goes to him for $, I expect that to cause major conflict. MIL is one tough cookie, grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father, who basically disowned her over her religion. She's as tough as they come.

UHUHUH. You EXPECT that your WW will go to OM and he will falter. EXPECTATIONS ARE BAD.

HOORAY FOR MIL.

Please don't speculate on what other people may or may not do. You have no control over that. MIL/FIL may waiver and allow WW to stay there "for one month" or whatever. Sister, to me, didn't step up to the plate. She should never have agreed that moving out was a good idea in the first place. OM? You don't know what his actions will be.

Don't spend energy on pondering what-ifs, okay? Just stick with a plan that appears to be working.

Of course you're right, MB. Expectations, especially about others' actions/reactions, are a recipe for disappointment. I agree about SIL, she definitely contributed to the move-out. She is very big on WS being independent. As far as FIL and MIL go, their total lack of support for a wayward would be consistent with their past behavior relative to their other kids in similar circumstances. You never know though, so your point is well taken. None of this can affect my working the plan. Thanks for your input.

WS and I sat together at DS10's concert tonight. Again, she was very warm and cordial. I resisted my impulse to hold her hand or put my arm around her during the concert. Afterward, as we were talking with some friends, she leaned in and gave me a very affectionate hug. (First time she has initiated such contact in awhile, especially out in public.) We had talked about grabbing a bite to eat w/ the kids, but WS is coming down with something. Asked her if we could bring her something, she said "if you don't mind". Grabbed some Chinese food and picked up some cold meds and a big jug of her favorite OJ. DD15 and I dropped it at her house- another affectionate hug and a kiss on the cheek. And the LB$ balance continues to grow......