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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
spouses can surf across this thread and read it's all TexasBob's fault b/c he has weak boundaries...and what's taken away from that is that regardless if one spouse is neglecting the others needs, that one spouse not having needs meet should have superman morals with boundaries of steel...

How would that be a problem?

(Suggestion: start a new thread.)


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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
[
spouses can surf across this thread and read it's all TexasBob's fault b/c he has weak boundaries...and what's taken away from that is that regardless if one spouse is neglecting the others needs, that one spouse not having needs meet should have superman morals with boundaries of steel...

What you don't seem to GET is that even in the best marriages, where needs are superbly met, affairs occur because the WS has sloppy boundaries. Therefore it is misleading and dangerous to focus on unmet needs as the cause of affairs, THEY ARE NOT. Most marriages have phases where the participants needs are not met and they don't run out and have affairs.

In other words, all the need meetin in the world will not compensate for sloppy boundaries because there is always the chance that someone else can come along and meet those needs BETTER. It happens all the time on this forum. We have numerous affairs here where the WS's needs were being met superbly. They still had an affair.

So lets not focus on the wrong thing here, mranderson. I find your posts very distracting and inappropriate on a thread of a WS who is already blaming his wife for his affair. You are just giving this man more ammunition to continue his irresponsible thinking.


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TB, I would suggest that you work on yourself. Learn all that you can. Read all of the material on this site and any of the books by DrH that you can get your hands on.

No one here is going to fault your wife for continuing with the D. There is always a chance that you two could remarry.

Why don't you tell her about this place and ask her if she would come on here. That way she can make the decision for herself with all of the info at hand.


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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
again, Dr. Harley's theory is that couples need to strive to meet the needs of their spouses to in essence affair proof their marriages...the jist is not about setting "boundaries" to affair proof a marriage...although boundaries are certainly essential in any relationship.

The "jist" very much is about setting boundaries in Surviving an Affair and numerous articles and newsletters on this website. You just haven't read much, which begs the question: why are you disrupting a newcomer's thread on the SAA board when you have not availed yourself of the reading material?

How about letting those of us who have experience and background in this arena help this man?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
again, Dr. Harley's theory is that couples need to strive to meet the needs of their spouses to in essence affair proof their marriages...the jist is not about setting "boundaries" to affair proof a marriage...although boundaries are certainly essential in any relationship.

I've always felt Dr. Harley did a poor job with the subtitle of His Needs, Her Needs.

If you listen to a lot of what Dr. Harley says, he makes clear that two things need to happen to affair proof a marriage. One is the meeting of emotional needs. But the other is the establishment of extreme precautions ("boundaries").

His Needs, Her Needs explains part of that story, the meeting of emotional needs.

But Dr. Harley mentions numerous times (in the radio broadcast, at least) that, for someone who has had an affair, His Needs Her Needs can give the wrong impression: that they had the affair because their needs aren't being met. A better book for such a person to read first is Surviving an Affair, which makes the wayward's responsibility much more clear.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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allow me to requalify...the lack of meeting needs HABITUAILY, MAY lead to extramarital affairs...
Only if boundaries are removed and not maintained. Lack of meeting needs can also lead to divorce when the spouse tires of living in a loveless, EN-less M. But that didn't happen here, did it. Nope. Bob chose to disrespect his personal and marital boundaries in order to have an A.

still the point behind Dr. Harley's HNHN's book proves the case here with TexasBob by his own admission in his opening post...

the OW did all the things his wife wasn't doing...showing attention and being interested in what he did...
Why didn't Bob go to his wife instead of some strange woman who obviously disrespects him, his wife, his marriage, and herself? Whatta prize! puke

again, Dr. Harley's theory is that couples need to strive to meet the needs of their spouses to in essence affair proof their marriages...the jist is not about setting "boundaries" to affair proof a marriage...although boundaries are certainly essential in any relationship.

If one person is meeting their spouse's needs, and that spouse doesn't have boundaries it can still be a quick slide to an A. Or a one-night stand. The M is not affair-proof without boundaries. All it takes is opportunity at that point.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 12/09/10 04:49 PM.

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Originally Posted by markos
[
But Dr. Harley mentions numerous times (in the radio broadcast, at least) that, for someone who has had an affair, His Needs Her Needs can give the wrong impression: that they had the affair because their needs aren't being met. A better book for such a person to read first is Surviving an Affair, which makes the wayward's responsibility much more clear.

Yes, I have heard him say this. Therefore, someone has only read one book, HNHN, is likely to walk away with a very skewed perception. We have so many waywards that use this as an excuse. It is dangerous thinking because all the need meetin in the world will not compensate for bad boundaries. Establishing sane boundaries has to be the first step of any serious wayward.


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and i would agree with Harley Jr. here...there are times and circumstances were EN's may go unmet...could be the result of sickness or the other spouse has to be away from the other spouse...there's many reasons...and in cheating cases as these, there's no excuse to cheat...
So, let me get this straight: there is no excuse to cheat if someone is sick or out of town. Other than that, let the extramarital boinking begin. Is that how you interpret this? faint


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Why don't you tell her about this place and ask her if she would come on here. That way she can make the decision for herself with all of the info at hand.
I think this is a fine piece of advice, Bob. You would do well to follow through with this.


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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Quote
and i would agree with Harley Jr. here...there are times and circumstances were EN's may go unmet...could be the result of sickness or the other spouse has to be away from the other spouse...there's many reasons...and in cheating cases as these, there's no excuse to cheat...
So, let me get this straight: there is no excuse to cheat if someone is sick or out of town. Other than that, let the extramarital boinking begin. Is that how you interpret this? faint

Misinterpretation. Riled up?

Restated; sometimes you can't meet needs - being ill, out of town, whatever. This isn't an outright refusal to meet needs, it's a temporary inability. As stated; if this is the reasoning behind "unmet needs" then there is even less excuse comparatively.

Make more sense?


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I plan on sharing the site with her. Aside from MelodyLane's charge of being a rapist and a seemingly hate for all cheaters, I gather that I need to focus on strengthing those boundaries, serve her and the kids in any way allowed, and let time go by.

MelodyLane, please understand I'm here because I want change and I want to make amends. At this point the damage has been done, so what good would it do to continue on with who's fault it was leading up to the infidelity? There isn't any point cause ultimately I chose the absolute wrong choice. Help me do what I can to correct me behavior and attempt to bring happiness into her life again.

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Originally Posted by TexasBob
At this point the damage has been done, so what good would it do to continue on with who's fault it was leading up to the infidelity?

The good it does is that it allows your victim the opportunity to see you taking absolute and total responsibility for your decision to engage in an adulterous affair (an act that feels like rape) -- without any hint of finger pointing at anyone else.


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Originally Posted by TexasBob
I plan on sharing the site with her. Aside from MelodyLane's charge of being a rapist and a seemingly hate for all cheaters, I gather that I need to focus on strengthing those boundaries, serve her and the kids in any way allowed, and let time go by.

MelodyLane, please understand I'm here because I want change and I want to make amends. At this point the damage has been done, so what good would it do to continue on with who's fault it was leading up to the infidelity? There isn't any point cause ultimately I chose the absolute wrong choice. Help me do what I can to correct me behavior and attempt to bring happiness into her life again.
look, anyone that comes to these boards and admits guilt is going to get a 2x4 **edit**, especially by those who were cheated on...it's just going to happen...

you told your story from your perspective...and it follows Dr, Harley's thinking of how most extramarital affairs begin...we don't know your whole story, you cheated on your wife more than once at that...you allowed the OW to meet your needs, for whatever reason that may be, it happened...learn what you need from this site...try and get your wife to participate, consider phone counseling with the Harley's and get all in in saving your marriage, but know it's going to take time and dedication...

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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
look, anyone that comes to these boards and admits guilt is going to get a 2x4 up the azz, especially by those who were cheated on

But it's not just about getting 2x4ed.

There's a difference between sorrow and true contrition.

Perhaps TexasBob is genuinely contrite. Only he knows. But when there's the slightest hint at finger pointing or excuses to explain away bad behavior, it makes others wonder about his true repentance and contrition ... others such as his wife, in all likelihood.

People here ARE trying to help him get it right.

Here's a great article:

"Regret, Sorrow and True Contrition: The Reason Some People Feel Badly But Just Keep On Doing Hurtful Things"
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/08/10/regret-sorrow-and-true-contrition/

So, TexasBob, where's the evidence? What's your plan of action?


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Originally Posted by TexasBob
I plan on sharing the site with her. Aside from MelodyLane's charge of being a rapist and a seemingly hate for all cheaters, I gather that I need to focus on strengthing those boundaries, serve her and the kids in any way allowed, and let time go by.

TexasBob, don't you hate people that harm others? If you don't then the problem lies with you, not those with those who hate evil. The equation to a rapist is very valid. What you did to her is WORSE than rape.

Quote
MelodyLane, please understand I'm here because I want change and I want to make amends. At this point the damage has been done, so what good would it do to continue on with who's fault it was leading up to the infidelity? There isn't any point cause ultimately I chose the absolute wrong choice. Help me do what I can to correct me behavior and attempt to bring happiness into her life again.

And I am trying to help you change. But you can't change until you get honest and start taking accountability for your actions. You have not done that. I am asking you to take an honest look at yourself and clean up your boundaries and stop with the pity party.

I SEE why your wife is reluctant to take you back. If you don't listen to us, you are not likely to get her back.


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***********EDIT*************

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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
look, anyone that comes to these boards and admits guilt is going to get a 2x4 up the azz, especially by those who were cheated on...it's just going to happen...


That's bullcrap. The ones who get 2x4's - BOTH BS'S AND WS' - are those who are foggy. Has butkus to do with admitting guilt.

mranderson, I view you as a distraction and nuisance to this thread and have reported it to the mods.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Last edited by Fireproof; 12/09/10 06:09 PM. Reason: TOS disrupting thread
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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
Originally Posted by DeltaDriveDeceit
What's your plan of action?
that's the reason he's here posting his situation...he's looking for the plan of action...i'm still waiting for someone to actually take the helm and propose a plan of action with him...


If you would STOP arguing with a very well respected VET of these boards about WHY affairs happen on a new posters thread you would see that there ARE plans that have been set out.

We are NOT about hand holding around here. We are about learning and growing.

See, MrA, when someone remains foggy, be it BS or WS, there will be no actual recovery from an affair. The marriage that remains after all of this fogginess will NOT be affair proof and will most likely lead to a DIVORCE. We want to give the marriage the BEST chance it has and that would be for BOTH spouses to become DEFOGGED.


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DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
i'm still waiting for someone to actually take the helm and propose a plan of action with him...

mr anderson, why don't you go back and read page 1?

Originally Posted by jmwc95
Tell her you have no expectations of her. Tell her you are working on yourself and in time you hope she might want to take you back, but that you don't expect it.

Originally Posted by maritalbliss
You, sir, need to do some serious work on bettering yourself and your boundaries. And that's going to take some time.

He needs to work on his boundaries.

That's what this entire thread is pointing him to.

Establishing proper boundaries and establishing extraordinary precautions.



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