Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 11 12
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
I'm going to shorten your list for you. Are you ready?

YOU INDEPENTENDTLY LED A LIFE. YOUR BW WASN'T ALONG FOR THE RIDE.

You were married. There were TWO of you involved, here. And you have an exhaustive laundry list of independent behaviors that were meant to serve YOU. Not your marriage.

And...here's the great part: YOU SEE THIS. How cool is that! hurray

If. If you're sincere. If you're willing to work the plan. And walk the walk. And take your twoxfour when necessary.

It's your call, Bob. You get to pick. I'm not saying it's going to save your M. It WILL make you a better person. Someone who is suitable M material.

What do you want to do?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
Thank you. I have ordered Surving An Affair. I will get HNHN.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
I'm ready!

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
(and of course, you know that nobody posting here makes a dime off of book sales or anything else on the site. we just recommend the books because we know they will help you. you can get them for free from a library, too, if you don't want to buy them.)


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Originally Posted by TexasBob
I'm ready!
So if I understand it right, you're living apart right now.

There aren't too many parallels between our situations (for instance, I stopped after one Other Woman, and my wife never spoke of D), so I'm not sure what much I have to say for your immediate situation; but for starters, maybe you'd better make a list of all the reasons why you were wrong, and all the reasons you want her back, and give those lists to her. Get on your knees. (I did.) Beg her to take you back.

It's no silver bullet; it's not much more than words, and your words won't buy you much for a long time. But you need a toehold to buy time for your actions to back up your words.

Lay down any pride, beg her for a chance. Then figure out what you can help her with -- stuff around the house, stuff with the kids -- and do it as best you can, to the extent she'll allow. Consider a good counselor who relies on MarriageBuilders, if not the Harleys themselves. Maybe you've sunk a lot of money on lawyers already, but [good] counseling is still a lot cheaper than maintaining two households instead of one. (But make sure it's good, MarriageBuilders counseling. You can't afford bad counseling.)

Beyond this, you're going to have to figure out a way to make her feel safe with you (by unambiguously cutting off any & all contact with any of the other women, forever), and figure out a way to spend plenty of time with your wife.

Read Surviving An Affair. It is a book that our counselor put us onto, which may have saved our marriage. Ask questions. Read everything you can on this site, not with a view toward educating your wife, but with a view toward understanding your own conduct & how to make it better in the future.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by TexasBob
I'm ready!
Okay. Talk to us again. Here's your first question: How long did you expect to pull off your affair. Did you ever play out in your head how you would explain this tacky mess to your BW? What was your goal?

Last edited by maritalbliss; 12/09/10 09:44 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
At first I thought that I would get divorced and have this new life and still have my kids. Then I ran back to my wife because I realized I wanted her more than the affair. So there was initially a short term plan but it changed to wanting her. I messed up again and worse during the separation. No plans of anything but satisfying that urge for sex. There was no connection the the women, and there was no contact afterwords.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by TexasBob
Thank you. I have ordered Surving An Affair. I will get HNHN.
I ordered mine one day, it showed up within 48 hrs. They're on it.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
What are the beginning and end dates of all your affairs?

Did you send a no contact later to this latest OW?

Quote
How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over?

I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.


FBW in recovery
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
I thought I was past the sorrow and remorse and was beginning on being contrite.
These aren't steps on the path that you check off as you go and then never revisit.

You'll know you're really starting to get it when you realize that you will never be past the sorrow and remorse.

My FWH says that he grieves about his poor choices and actions to this very day, and always will. He uses his grief as a reminder and as a catalyst to continue to better himself and our M. His terrible decisons of a few years ago will impact him for the rest of his life.

I suspect that you may be thinking similar thoughts about your BW - that she should be past the devastated part and be ready to get back together with you and put this whole pesky affair business in the past. Would that be correct? Do you understand that your infidelity has permanently altered your marital landscape (picture a nuclear blast)?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
EA: 10/31/08 - 12/18/08
PA1: 6/27/10 - 8/25/10
D-Day 7/20/2010
PA2: one night, end of September, can't recall.

A no contact letter was never written to any of the three. The EA thing paused over Christmas and then she text me to ask if I was still married. I told her things were good in my marriage and contact was lost. I believe she moved out of state. PA1 and I sat down and I told her I was wrong in what I had done and that I loved my wife. PA2 was a bit harsher and it was through messaging. But the point came across that there was to be no contact. Do you think I should still write the letters and have my wife approve them? If she's told me me she's indifferent to me will she care when I present them to her?

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 248
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 248
Originally Posted by TexasBob
Do you think I should still write the letters and have my wife approve them?
morning TexasBob...yes, not only is the letter a no contact letter between you and the affair partner, i also look at it as a contract between you and your wife...

so are you and your wife talking about reconciliation? is she open to working on the relationship? are both of you living in the same house?
Originally Posted by TexasBob
If she's told me me she's indifferent to me will she care when I present them to her?
my bet is that she's thinking this is just a ploy to try and win her respect back...and that you really haven't changed...so I wouldn't expect a big earth shattering moment...

a marriage needs two things...trust and respect...and right now she has neither for you, so your job is to earn that trust and respect back and that's going to take a long time...

Last edited by mr_anderson; 12/10/10 08:23 AM.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
Originally Posted by mr_anderson
a marriage needs two things...trust and respect...and right now she has neither for you, so your job is to earn that trust and respect back and that's going to take a long time...

Sorry, but wrong again, mr anderson.

A healthy marriage needs several things, but trust isn't one of them, according to MB. And let's remember that this is a MB site.

Quote
One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should never have been trusted in the first place. I shouldn't be trusted by my wife, and I shouldn't trust her. The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it. The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening. Basing a marriage on the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward preventing an affair. Being each other's favorite leisure-time companions, and not being away from each other overnight are also important safety measures. Meeting each other's most important emotional needs, avoiding Love Busters and building an integrated lifestyle, free of secret second lives, are all ways to affair-proof your marriage.


FBW in recovery
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
Originally Posted by TexasBob
Do you think I should still write the letters and have my wife approve them?

Yes

Originally Posted by TexasBob
If she's told me me she's indifferent to me will she care when I present them to her?

Yes


FBW in recovery
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
Originally Posted by DeltaDriveDeceit
Originally Posted by TexasBob
If she's told me me she's indifferent to me will she care when I present them to her?
Yes

But whether she cares is irrelevant.

Even if your W never spoke to you again, remember that it's time to work on YOU.

You are going to do whatever it takes to establish proper boundaries and establish extraordinary precautions in your life, regardless of which woman is a part of it.

Right?


FBW in recovery
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Here is what I would do. Write up the NC letters, but don't send them out. Then I would go to your wife and beg her to just postpone finalizing the divorce. Let her know she does not have to commit to taking you back. Let her know you have no expectations. Give her the NC letters to send out (if she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to, but SHE should be the one sending out the NC letters), change all your contact information, give all the new contact info and passwords for email, computer, voicemail, etc. I would seriously get rid of a Facebook page if you have one. If you stay together, you can create a joint facebook page in the future. Just give it all your information. She'll act like she doesn't care anymore, but it will show her that you appear to be serious. Tell her your goal is to eventually make yourself a person she wants to be with again. Now she still may divorce you, but you still can continue with my next advice.

Read up on plan A. I know it is for cheating spouses, but it is also for disconnected spouses. Figure out her emotionsl needs, and try to meet them. Now, you are going to have to start off lightly with the ones she will allow you to meet, like conversation. Pretend like you are a stranger courting her. Just start chatting her up and compliment her on how she's looking, etc. Eventually you may see she's a bit more receptive. Try and organize fun outings (dates) with her and the kids at first, but hopefully with just her as well. Think of things she likes to do. Does she like art? Is there a new gallery opening up? Would she like a trip to the botannical gardens? Think of things she would like to do and ask her along. Now, don't seem overly needy and kind of let her know that you don't NEED her to come along and sound disappointed if she doesn't. Schedule things with some MALE friends as well (NO FEMALES).

Your biggest problem is that you don't have enough time around her. It is out of your control. You should have NEVER moved out of the house and abandoned your children. That was the stupidest decision you made. She couldn't force you out of the house until after the D was final. Now you have less access to her to get her back, and you lost much of your custodial rights to your children. IF you can eventually find a way back in your house, you need to move back. Try and make it seem like zero expectations and move back into the guest bedroom first. If you are living in the same house, you have a MUCH better chance of saving your marriage as well as keeping other prospective men out of the picture with your wife.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
My wife and I live apart, about 4 blocks from eachother. She remains at our house with the kids. I'm in a 3 bedroom rental and have a roommate (male) upstairs. My wife and I are nice to eachother. Sometimes I take things wrong like in a text or conversation as if she might be giving me some hope, but that usually fades. The only talk of reconciliation is from what I heard from a friend when she said she was going to take me back when I had just made out with PA1 until she was told that during separation I was infinite with PA1 and PA2. Now she is telling me maybe in 3 years we can date.

I'll get started on the NC letters. Should I post them here for review?

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 248
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 248
Originally Posted by jmwc95
You should have NEVER moved out of the house and abandoned your children. That was the stupidest decision you made. She couldn't force you out of the house until after the D was final.
yes, moving out looks bad in the eyes of the court too...get back in the house asap...but i believe at the time TexasBob was wanting to separate until he realized the grass isn't greener on the other side...

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
...not infinite, intimate.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
No I moved out at her request. I had already figured out the grass wasn't greener. I tried getting back in once and it caused a huge mess. This was when it clued in on me that D was inevitable and I went off the deep in like having a pitty party for myself. This is when the intimacy took place with the 2 women.

Page 4 of 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 11 12

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (2 invisible), 33 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Almak, A3W, OnTheRocks, Alise245, CVT
71,702 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,697
Members71,702
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5