Well after reading so many similar posts I thought I would put up my story just to get a few opinions.These forums have been a life saver for me so far.

My wife and I have been together for 15 years and have 2 beautiful boys aged 4 and 7 who we both absolutely adore. It happened the 2nd of August this year when I found out my wife had cheated on me.

She had ventured down the path of the past and had discovered a long lost friend on Facebook from some 25 years ago. She made contact with him and had been open and honest with me about her contact. She had arranged to catch with him to talk about the old days and of course I was more than happy and wished her a good day, I mean they were just going to have lunch. She told me about the day and what a good time she had. I didn't think anything of it at all.

Our relationship I believed was strong, we had common goals, built a beautiful home for our children and work hard. We had no financial problems, great group of friends and enjoyed a laid back lifestyle. We had however had our fair share of hard times. My wife had lost both her parents through cancers and was abused for years by her father. Me on the hand have had a kidney transplant (10 yrs ago) and had suffered on and off through depression and anxiety. This periods were hard for my wife and she was never really able to cope with this and the ups and downs that came.

Well back to her meeting the other guy. One day she was sitting on the lounge and was crying. I approached her, cuddled her and asked what was wrong. She told me the guy from her past "had been hurt in the past as he loved her so much and that his life hadn't been the same since they were together". At this stage I was very angry, not with her but how dare a man make somebody feel that bad after so many years.

From here she began to see him, it started as friends, then came the emotional attachment and the affair.
When I found out (i just sensed it and confronted her) I was overwhelmed with every emotion known to man. I acted badly, yelled, screamed, cried, begged and fell apart.
I moved to a apartment not far from the family home to get some breathing space and of course the affair got bigger. I never for one second ever let my family down and have always had my boys 50% of the time. This means that i actually see my wife every 2nd day.

To this day she hasn't shown any true remorse and has walked away into his arms and not looked back. I slowly rebuilt over the next 3 months and obviously always tried to talk to her, sometimes 3 steps forward 6 steps back.The only hint about the way she thinks is that she said "she never wants to live a life with regrets"

The affair partner would not ever come to the family home as I confronted him there once and he vowed to never come near the place. Only last month she moved out to a rental (only up the street) and this has allowed him to become a little closer. He however works away and is only there 2 days a week. I have been happier as I have moved back into the family home, but sometimes struggle with memories of her.

I have thought long and hard about what she has done to this family and why after 5 months I still feel the same about her. My hurt and pain has died down to degree and I'm trying to make more rational decisions about the future.

For the past 2 weeks I decided not to confront her relationship with him. We became a little closer and things felt like the good old days, we laughed, smiled, and she even help out a little around the family home. I unfortunately cracked when Christmas was mentioned and the pain came rushing back. We are now back to square one and distant again.

The affair partner is extremely controlling and has basically told her if she has anything to do with me then it will be over between them. He doesn't want us to be friends in any shape or form but i don't see how this is possible with young kids. She however is listening to his every word and says she is madly in love with him. (and ouch that hurts so much to hear)She at this moment would chose him over me completely.

When we spent time recently together I still feel a strong connection (not sure about her) and can see so much potential to put the wrong right. I am in this for the long haul, I believe in marriage and took my vows seriously. It is just so sad to throw 15 years away without even a discussion on what went wrong. I wont even date again till after I am divorced. At this stage she doesn't believe in any councilling or sees any future in us.

My thoughts are away
1) Tough love - withdraw and take me out of the equation or
2) Slowly bring her closer as a friend, wait patiently for the affair to end (which it may not) and go from there.
At the same time I am focusing on me to take back some control but getting my emotions under control is very hard.

Thanks for any suggestions

Wes

Have you moved back into your family home? Who is supporting your wife?

What�s the situation with your kids? You get them 50/50?

What have you done to expose the affair? Have you told your family? Hers? Does OM have a wife?

Here are a few solid steps you will be told by everyone to do:

1. Expose the affair to everyone. Family, friends, and anyone who can put pressure on the affair.
2. You�re in a battle with an alien that has taken control of your wife�s body. You�re not in battle with your wife. There is a BIG difference. She�s not your wife right now and you can�t treat her as such.
3. You have to do things that will feel wrong, but are the right things to do to end the affair. Exposure is a good example.
4. Get a lawyer and prepare to file for abandonment, child support, and spousal support. This doesn�t mean you�re getting divorced.
5. Sue the other man for alienation of affection, if your state has that law.
6. Hardball is the only way to deal with a WW. There is no middle ground. Being her friend and hoping the affair will end is a recipe to let her stay in the affair indefinitely.
7. Plan A is hard to do when she�s out of the house. It may be time for Plan B.
8. Make a phone appointment with the Harleys. They are cheaper than lawyers and are well worth the money.
9. Get the book, �Surviving an Affair�.

This list should give you a good start.

I have moved back into the family home and now am paying child maintenance every month for my children. This kids still see this as a home and I am far happier at home. She works as a hairdresser and makes good cash money. In Australia she now gets Family Assistance, Maintenance (from me), and Rent Assistance so she is in no financial hardship (quite the opposite)

Are you court ordered to pay maintenance? Is there a legal separation in place?

I just re-read and found out that you made a big mistake. Move back into your home ASAP. You can�t fight the affair effectively otherwise. If she wants out of the marriage SHE can move out.

Part of the beginning of the affair fight is that you go home and basically reclaim your marriage. You go home, unannounced, and move back in. She�ll confront, and you simply say, �This is my home. This is my marriage. You�re my wife and these are my kids. I�m not going anywhere and leaving was a big mistake.�

If she says that she needs space, you tell her to go to the mall and walk around if she needs to. You�re staying and aren�t going anywhere. Then go and pee in the corner. (I�m kidding)

If you want your marriage back, you must be assertive, act like a man, cool under pressure, and block your emotions. You�re a military man on a mission. You�re Mr. Spock, James Bond, and Bruce Lee all rolled into one. You�re cool, calm, and a man of action.

Do this TODAY!

helpforlostdads, he did move back, but she moved out.

The affair has been exposed to everybody, so many people have been hurt. She now does not see it as a affair, rather our marriage is over and she is in a relationship.

I agree a little about the push forward strategy. If i ring the affair partner he gets angry and they end up in all sorts of fights with my wife (between them). He becomes possessive and angry. If i continue this 2 things might happen
1) the seperate
2) the get stronger together and I get to see my kids less.

My wife however has said if I push too hard, they will move away to get some distance and there is a chance it will be hard to see my children and be quite painful for them. She wanted to be friends but that is just heartache for me.

Do they live together? Is this guy married?

They don't live together as such. He works away in mining so is only there about 2 nights a week. The rest of the time she is alone or with the kids.
He was previously engaged to a girl who he has also left. My wife did mention how he just switches off and doesn't contact her anymore however my wife is the type of person to want to keep some communication open.
For the 2 weeks when were friendly to each other we were quite open and talked about many things and she did mention he comes with faults, but she still was in love with him.

As far as the house goes, I financially have the upper hand as I can afford to buy her out whereas she couldn't, the banks just would loan her the money. However she was never really concern with financial assets

You must take some steps ASAP to protect your rights as a father. How father friendly is Australia? Will you get custody of your kids if you file for custody?

If you were in America, I would tell you to file papers to have an order issued to have the kids returned to the marital home and have her pay you child support and alimony.

Get a lawyer. Tell them what�s happened and ask how you can get your kids back. You may be able to sue the OM for adultery.

Don�t sit idle. Don�t let her threats of moving away stand. Fight!

Wes, I'm sorry you have to be here, but you've come to a good place for help.

Your wife is wayward. Waywards have to do a few things in order to be wayward:

They rewrite their marital history ("I've never really been in love with you...I've been unhappy for X years...You've always been more concerned about your job/health/parents/whatever than me." And so on.) They have to do this in order to justify straying.

They get these rosy pictures in their head about how wonderful their life with their affair partner is going to be, how all of their problems will be solved. If there are children involved they want to remain 'good friends' with their BH. That makes it easier on them when it comes to child care and custody arrangements. You, of course, need to let her know that that will never happen. You will NEVER be good friends with her. Or her POSOM.

They rewrite the dictionary. She is not 'in a relationship'. She is having an affair by virtue of the fact that she is laying with one man while married to another. Don't let her get away with calling it something cute like a 'relationship'. It's an adulterous affair. Make sure you call it that when you talk to her.

As far as contacting OM, hell, yes I would! I would let him know that he will never have a moment's peace for inserting himself into your marriage! And if he gets into a 'fight' with your WW, so much the better! You want them to have conflict!

Oh, yeah, the wayward will also threaten, cajole, shriek like a banshee and do whatever else it takes for them to get their way. Don't let her do this to you. Tell her that you will make sure that she is legally unable to move your children anywhere.

She wants to be friends.

I wonder if this guy is married? Have you done a background check on him? It is very odd that he wouldn't move in with her. This should be very easy to check out. Have you done it? He could very well be married and if so, you could blow up this affair and save your marriage easily.


This makes me suspicious that he is married.


Their affair is in a free fall.

Are you court ordered to pay her maintenance?

I would get the book Surviving an Affair ASAP and read it so you understand what is going on here. Her affair was based on a fantasy and is currently in state of fast erosion. All the things that made the affair possible, thoughtlessness, deceit, dishonesty, will kill it off fairly quickly. 95% of affairs never make it to marriage and fall apart in under 2 years.

My feeling about your situation is to focus on doing a FABULOUS Plan A for another couple of months, meeting her needs, attracting her back, making your home a wonderful inviting place. Look for any opportunity to make the OM jealous and cause fights between them. [innocently, of course ] Focus on courting her and wooing her back.

HOWEVER, if you are paying her any money that is not court ordered, I would cut that off ASAP. Be sweet about it and just tell her you have been told by a lawyer not to pay that. It is a very bad idea to finance your wife's affair. It is enabling.

Then after a couple of months of wooing her back, go into a very dark Plan B and do not see or speak to her until she ends her affair and agrees to commit to the marriage. I believe by that time, you will have built up such good feelings [because you are going north] and the OM will have built up such black feelings [he is going south] that you will have the effect of yanking her off the fence.

The OM is probably barely meeting 1-2 top needs and you are meeting 3-4 minor needs. She also knows you are there for her on the sidelines. Staying there basically props her affair up. When you exit the picture in a dark Plan B, it will fall to the OM to meet those need and the expectations will raise on him. This will cause renewed conflict in the affair. They will start lovebusting since they don't have benefit of this program. i predict the affair will fall apart quickly if you go into Plan B.

In Australia there is a document that is filed with the Family Law Courts over here. It is as simple as agreeing to custody on the children. At the moment as mentioned we have it set as 50/50 but I don't have the legal documents done and filed with the courts in case she changes her mind. The maintenance I pay is simply based on her wage vs my wage and how much care we have of the kids. My wage ($65000) Hers ($10000) even with 50/50 care means I pay her money every month. However I don't haven't filled out the forms to make it legally binding.
She knows I am a good father, and I truely believe she would not want me never to be part of the children s life, but then again I didn't see the affair coming

Exactly this guy is married or has a full time GF. OM sounds like a player juggleing several women at once. MAkes me wonder if hiring a PI to prove this may be worth the cost if you can afford it.

Time to lawyer up. Cut her off financially, file for full custody this was WW can't move the kids out of the family home.

Thanks for the reply MelodyLane,
Even though we are not talking much at the moment, i know my wife like the back of my hand. I can pull her close again in the coming months and get close as friends before going to plan B. I just need to emotionally be strong enough to not fall to pieces as I have done in the past.
I can't speak to the affair partner, yes it causes fights between them but also puts me back to stage one of her blaming me for the fallout of it all and then she won't be talking to me again.
It may take 2-3 months of getting her close before plan B, and it is so hard when you love your wife dearly.

This could very well work in your favor. Your WW is forced to be by herself for long periods of time, without POSOM there to distract her from her conscience.

I would suggest that you make it difficult for your children to fill up those empty hours, so that she is forced to be alone with herself. Do they have lessons to study for (in their own room in their own home) or activities outside of school that would eat up a lot of time?

I would stop paying her spousal support of any kind. Family money should not go to finance an affair. Financing her affair is not in any of your best interest. She should be getting that money from the OM, not you. Giving her money is to enable her affair. I wouldn't fill out any forms. Make her take you to court with her money to squeeze anything out of you.

And I would blame it all on the lawyers. Just say "my lawyer advised me not to pay this anymore. Sorry."

And I would implore you to do a background check on the OM ASAP. I bet you find something.

Full custody is impossible as I work full time and in Australia they wouldn't grant it on terms of adultery, but putting the legal documents in place will always make sure she brings the kids to me when things go bad.

He is definitely single. He was engaged to a girl in Spain in a long distant relationship and just sent her a email and cut her off. I have told him "you are very lucky to have such a wonderful women in your life, treat her well as I will never give up on her and am only 2 seconds behind" and he hates it.

Help me out on this. When you say 'maintenance' what, exactly, are you 'maintaining'? What is the formula in Australia for determining child support?