Total, you seem to be catching onto this Plan A stuff real nicely.

Thanks, Scotty. It's taken me long enough to figure it out.

Maybe that's another reason why BH's have 6 months for Plan A, it's the learning curve.

Okay OKAY. I was only KIDDING.

You ARE wielding a stick in your Plan A as well thought right? Just make sure you don't do a full carrot with no stick or it could cross the line into Plan Doormat. Just when you thought you were getting it(and you ARE) I throw you a curve ball.

Good point. Wielding the stick by allowing the weight of WS' choices to fall squarely on her shoulders. Financial difficulties, missing the kids, missing out on holiday stuff. We are carrying on with our lives. Trying to back off on contact a little, not in pursuit, then being careful to avoid LB's when in contact. Also, letting her know when something she does or says is hurtful, but in a respectful and non-judgmental way. It is very difficult to balance the carrot and the stick, and all of this being good to her is natural and normal for me anyway, so I am always in danger of Plan Doormat. I am open to suggestions.

Talking to DD18 tonight when she came home from work. She said "I feel like my mom is dead." Heartbreaking.

It IS heartbreaking and at the same time, SPOT ON. Waywards are but a shell of themselves. To everyone who loves them, they are a different person. Hug that DD18 and let her know that you understand.

Sounds like you have a good grasp on Plan A. Keep it going.

Truer words have never been spoken- she is a shell of her former self, and I wonder if she'll ever be back. DD18 is very perceptive. She says WS is acting just like a middle-school teenager- self-absorbed, obsessed with appearance and what others think of them, unable to think two steps ahead, thinking only of themselves. This is such a 180, and so totally out of character for WS, that it is quite shocking to watch.

Just got a nice thank you note email from WS for bringing her the medicine & OJ last night. Wow, I almost fainted. The expressions of gratitude have been almost non-existent since all of this started. Do I sense a crack in the wall that she has erected between us? Who knows, but it feels good to be appreciated just the same. No expectations, just enjoying the moment.

TD,

How is your 18 yr old doing? Is she handling all of this well or does she need some guidance?

JL

She is handling it reasonably well, but she is somewhat bitter. She says she is not bitter about the A, but about the way WS treats her now. She is not getting the attention she needs, obviously, because WS is not living with us. When she does visit with her, she wants to unload all of her 18-yo problems on WS, and WS is very inwardly-focused, so she doesn't want to hear all of that. DD18 says she feels like WS thinks she is in competition with her. Those two have always clashed, but it is much worse now. DD18 is trying to act as if it doesn't bother her, but she may actually be taking things harder than her younger siblings. She and I have always been quite close though, and I spend a tremendous amount of time listening to her. WS questions all of the kids to find out what I am saying to them. She is under the impression that I am plotting to "turn them against her". Nothing could be further from the truth. I have expressed to WS on more than one occasion that she is not the enemy here. The A is the enemy, and I will do anything and everything within my power to kill the A.

Bingo!

It's her choices and actions costing her. Nothing that you do.


If you don't want your friends and family to know that you are a slimy, selfish cheater... well, then don't be a slimy, selfish cheater!

Quiet couple of days- not much interaction with WS. Going to church Christmas party together tomorrow night. I did send her a funny picture yesterday and she commented that it was hard to laugh because she was feeling kind of down. (Withdrawal? Missing kids? Reality setting in?) Who knows? I do know that she is really unhappy about not being able to be at home with DD11 while she is home sick. She was a SAHM for many years, and then worked with me part-time, so she is accustomed to always being home to take care of her babies when they are not feeling well. I went home and checked on DD11 yesterday. She was looking kind of puny, so I took a picture of her with my phone and emailed it to WS at work. She emailed me back, "Please give her hugs & kisses for me." (I'm thinking, if you would pull your head out, you could be at home with her right now.)My best hope is that her love for the kids will eventually cut thru the fog. Meanwhile, full-throttle Plan A.

Remember Total, it is all about the pebbles being thrown into the stream. You might not see it, but as they begin to stack on top of each other they get closer to the surface. Let the pebbles keep building up and don't think about them.

I've read the analogy of the rocks in the stream before, and I love it. It really does describe exactly how it is.

Another thing that I constantly tell myself when I start to wonder is, "I may not win every battle but I WILL win the WAR." Doesn't mean I will end up with a recovered marriage but "I" WILL be recovered.

I like that- it's not about the battles, it's about the war. I have been keeping myself busy with an exhaustive list of home improvement projects. I say I am fixing up the house for my new wife, whether that is WS or someone else. I even told that one to MIL. She laughed and said "that's right".

TD, I just got back to my PC, but sounds like you are having some progress in the right direction. Good to hear it man, keep it going!

Think about that statement.

She don't know what she's giving up, brother.

Thanks for all of the support. It is an absolute lifesaver to be able to come here and share this, as no one who hasn't been here can truly understand.

WS and I will be taking the kids to the Christmas party at church tonight. Should be some good opportunities for LB$ deposits.

WS was asked to make stuffing and a dessert for the party, and she asked me, half-jokingly, if I would like to help her out with the dessert. "You can just buy something pre-made to take", she says. I say, "Of course I'll take care of it, don't even worry about it." Yesterday afternoon she calls and asks me if I remembered to pick up a dessert for the party. I said, "Oh yeah, the kids and I are going to make Christmas cupcakes tonight. I may call you if I get into trouble." She laughed.

So last night, DS10, DD11 and I make the cupcakes. WS calls to talk to the kids around bedtime. I talk to her briefly and say, "I've got to frost all of these cupcakes." She says, yeah, I've got to make my stuffing, too." So, right before bed, I took a picture of the completed cupcakes, emailed it to her with a message- "Cupcakes frosted, mission completed, sweet dreams." Another example of something that we would be doing together with the kids under normal circumstances. Baking with the kids is one of her favorite pastimes. I hope she is realizing all of the experiences that she is missing out on.

TD, you're my official Poster Boy For Plan A.