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Originally Posted by TexasBob
No I moved out at her request.

What was the date?

Did you move out before both of these:
PA1: 6/27/10 - 8/25/10
D-Day 7/20/2010
PA2: one night, end of September, can't recall.

And you had sex with both of these women?

Why did your wife think you only kissed the first woman? Because you lied to her? How and when did she find out if there was more to it?


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I moved out beginning of August. At the time I had not been intimate with the OW. I told my wife I would change all while baggering for an answer on whether we could work things out or she was divorcing me. I was trying to change for her, and not myself see. It was when the consequences of my actions led her to divorce I reverted and was intimate with the OW.

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This might be a personal peeve of mine, but could you please stop calling your affair "being intimate" and refer to it as sex?

I can imagine that if your W hears you call it "intimacy" it grates her soul as well.


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Originally Posted by DeltaDriveDeceit
This might be a personal peeve of mine, but could you please stop calling your affair "being intimate" and refer to it as sex?

I can imagine that if your W hears you call it "intimacy" it grates her soul as well.
No, that's a good catch, Delta. Another good descriptive term would be 'rutting'.


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[/quote]No, that's a good catch, Delta. Another good descriptive term would be 'rutting'. [/quote]


A lot of twoxfour 2x4's being swung around here until now, now they're twoxfour starting to swing not logs but log cabins. IMO.

Last edited by TheRoad; 12/10/10 09:02 AM.
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just curious TexasBob, we're at page 9 now...you been able to formulate a plan through all this?

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
A lot of twoxfour 2x4's being swung around here until now, now they're twoxfour starting to swing not logs but log cabins. IMO.

ooops, so sorry about that.

Bob, by all means, whenever discussing your affairs with your W, be sure to continue to describe your behavior as intimacy. You might even call it making love.

That ought to deposit some coins in her love bank.


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Originally Posted by TheRoad
A lot of twoxfour 2x4's being swung around here until now, now they're twoxfour starting to swing not logs but log cabins. IMO.

Why? Because we refuse to give adultery any quarter? You think his BW has comforting visuals when he refers to his adulterous sex acts as 'being intimate'?
Do you think we're wrong for refusing to sugar-coat this nastiness?

Last edited by maritalbliss; 12/10/10 09:10 AM.

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Originally Posted by DeltaDriveDeceit
Originally Posted by TheRoad
A lot of twoxfour 2x4's being swung around here until now, now they're twoxfour starting to swing not logs but log cabins. IMO.

ooops, so sorry about that.

Bob, by all means, whenever discussing your affairs with your W, be sure to continue to describe your behavior as intimacy. You might even call it making love.

That ought to deposit some coins in her love bank.
also TexasBob, tell your wife too that per Dr. Harley, you should never trust her...that should deposite a few coins in that LB too...

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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
also TexasBob, tell your wife too that per Dr. Harley, you should never trust her...that should deposite a few coins in that LB too...

Look, mr anderson, I don't know what your beef is with MB, but why are you on this forum if you want to dispute MB advice?


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Originally Posted by DeltaDriveDeceit
Originally Posted by mr_anderson
also TexasBob, tell your wife too that per Dr. Harley, you should never trust her...that should deposite a few coins in that LB too...

Look, mr anderson, I don't know what your beef is with MB, but why are you on this forum if you want to dispute MB advice?
I don't have a "beef" with the MB program...i even listen to Dr. Harley and his wife's show when i have the opportunity online and own several of his books...even the therapist we go to speaks highly of the Dr.'s advice...but does that mean I have to believe every word that comes forth from the doctors lips? NO...his plan to reconcile marriages works...that's what I believe in...

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*********EDIT***************

Last edited by Fireproof; 12/10/10 09:37 AM. Reason: TOS disruptive
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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
I don't have a "beef" with the MB program...i even listen to Dr. Harley and his wife's show when i have the opportunity online and own several of his books...even the therapist we go to speaks highly of the Dr.'s advice...but does that mean I have to believe every word that comes forth from the doctors lips? NO...his plan to reconcile marriages works...that's what I believe in...

And part of his plan is that trusting your spouse is not a good idea.

It's a basic part of his plan.

Quote
Sometimes you may hear alternative opinions that conflict with Dr. Harley's Ten Basic Concepts. These are often raised by those who have not solved their own marital problems, but still feel they are qualified to advise others. When this happens you can expect some members to explain why their approach won't work, and why Marriage Builders� offers a better solution. There are many who are offended when that happens, but please keep in mind that the ultimate purpose of this Forum is to discuss and learn Marriage Builders� concepts.




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and for the record, i do believe every marriage should have some level of trust attached to it...i can't imagine living an unhealthy lifestyle staying anxious, being suspicious and second-guessing my wife's every move...that would eventually erode the very foundation of a marriage and you will end up divorcing over nothing...

so i don't box the doctor in by saying i should have no trust whatsoever in my wife...

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Quote
I told my wife I would change all while baggering for an answer on whether we could work things out or she was divorcing me. I was trying to change for her, and not myself see. It was when the consequences of my actions led her to divorce I reverted and was intimate with the OW.

@Bob -

More wayward babble. You only had sex with other women because she wouldn't do what you wanted. You weren't trying to change anything. You were trying to weasel your way back into your marriage without any consequences.

IMHO, you need to be honest about why you had these affairs.

1. I had an affair.
2. BS decides to divorce.
3. I had another affair.

Do you see your sense of entitlement? Do you see how selfish you are?

After step 2 you should have been doing everything to win your BS back, instead you have another affair. LOL!

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Quote
also TexasBob, tell your wife too that per Dr. Harley, you should never trust her...that should deposite a few coins in that LB too...
mr. anderson, this is absolutely something that both of them need to acknowledge in order to keep their M safe. That 'trust' is what got them into trouble in the first place!

Bob will be able to share this with his wife when they are in recovery and learning how to build a fantastic, affair-proof marriage.

The terminologies surrounding affairs has been gussied-up to protect the guilty. Let's call things by their proper names.


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A reminder that the purpose of this forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders concepts. If you cannot do that, then please refrain from posting. Please read our board policy in the announcements section. Marriage Builders policy

Do not disrupt this thread anymore with personal agendas.

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
EDIT

I get that, TheRoad. My H used the same term on this forum (intimate) instead of using the word sex when talking about his A, even though he used an entirely different (nasty) term with me.

Trying to help the OP with what to say/not to say to his W.

Last edited by Fireproof; 12/10/10 09:38 AM. Reason: removing quote

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Quote
EDIT

It is absolutely critical that good posts are seconded where necessary. One of the things I think Bob needs to work on is his perception of his actions. I think he's remorseful but still foggy. It's important to point out things that will retrain his interpretation of his actions.

FWIW, I suspect that Bob used the word 'intimate' as a way of being delicate. That's understandable, but isn't helpful to him. I think Delta's comment may give him some enlightenment. That's a good thing.

And hey, thanks for terming my post as 'GRAND standing'. I thought it was pretty good, myself. grin

Last edited by Fireproof; 12/10/10 09:39 AM. Reason: removing quote

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Originally Posted by TexasBob
No I moved out at her request. I had already figured out the grass wasn't greener. I tried getting back in once and it caused a huge mess. This was when it clued in on me that D was inevitable and I went off the deep in like having a pitty party for myself. This is when the intimacy took place with the 2 women.

Who cares if she requested it. It was stupid to move out. I just want to make sure you realized that you made a mistake and made your problem worse by moving out. It's a lot easier to fix things when you live together.

The D was NEVER inevitable and it still isn't now. Your wife was just acting like she didn't trust you had changed yet, and you obviously hadn't. If you would have changed then and stayed in your home, you would most likely be recoving right now. For future reference, I don't care if you are in the process of divorce. It's black and white. If you are married, you don't have any intimate conversations or dealing alone with the opposite sex. Period. End of story. There are no shades of gray.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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